by Layla Silver
We both laughed, and I sighed. "I really miss you, C."
"I miss you too."
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell her everything. That I had no idea what I was doing with my life, and I could use some help, but I held back.
"Oh, I have to go now. Just wanted to check in on you but I'll call you properly during the weekend, okay?"
"Okay, thanks, Catie."
"Love you, bye!"
She hung up, and I sighed again, wishing my life was as simple as hers. Only a few months ago my problems had consisted of figuring out a way to get to college. Now I had a solution to that problem but even more problems on top. I played with my phone, debating whether to call Julian or not. Hearing his voice would make me feel better, even though he was one of the reasons I needed to feel better. In for a penny, right?
I stopped myself and opened my calendar instead, remembering that I had an appointment coming up at the clinic soon. I checked my appointment schedule and saw that I had an ultrasound coming up in two days. It was like I was going to meet my baby again and I was very excited. Expect about one thing, namely that this baby wasn't mine. I would watch it grow on a machine and get a few black and white images of what he or she looked like. And one day I would go into labor, and after that I wouldn't even get to hold the child I had helped bring into the world, let alone watch he or she grow. Logically, I knew that I had signed up for this and surrogates did it all the time. I had gone through counselling, and they had told me all about this process. This child was not mine to keep, and I needed to snap out of it. I knew all of this, I really did. I just couldn't seem to get it through to my stupid heart.
I sat down and put my feet up, trying to relax. Then I remembered something I had come across whilst I had been doing some online research on surrogacy. There were virtual support groups all over specifically for surrogates. Perhaps it would help to check some out and see what other surrogates had gone through and how they handled it. The good thing about the virtual platform was anonymity. I couldn't very well go to the clinic counsellor and tell them that I was getting attached to the baby, could I? I didn't know what they did in such situations, if they ever had a situation like this. Could someone be talked out of caring about their surrogate child? I wondered.
I searched for some open discussion forums and started going through some stories from former and current surrogates. Most had to do with the decision aspect of surrogacy, but that ship had sailed long back. I found some interesting articles as well on how to deal with relatives and friends not handling surrogacy well, and it made me smile as I thought of my uncle. I finally found a blog on the emotional aspect of surrogacy, and I settled to read it. The final advice was to re-visit my motivations to do it in the first place and check my feelings because it was natural to feel overprotective of the child you were carrying. These feelings weren't necessarily maternal in any way.
I sighed and put my phone aside, this wasn't helping me at all. How did I stop myself from getting further attached to the baby? And even if I remained feeling this way, would I be okay after giving the baby to its parents? Because the truth was that I wouldn't be giving the baby away; it was not mine to give away. The unborn child belonged to someone else, and I was just helping them bring it into this world. I needed to focus on that and nothing else. Maybe then I would be able to get through this in one piece.
I put my hand to my belly and whispered, "I'm not giving you up, sweet pea. I'm just giving you back."
Why, oh why, did I feel like the world's biggest liar?
Chapter 17 - Julian
I watched as the water pooled at my feet before swirling over the drain and washing away my shampoo. If only life was that simple, and I could wash my thoughts away with a warm shower. The warm water hit my skin in the most soothing manner, and I rubbed my neck trying to ease some of my tension. All this tension was the result of trying so hard not to think of April, and then I'd end up thinking about her anyway because I was making such a conscious effort not to.
I ran a towel through my hair when I walked out of my bathroom. After an intense exercise session, a long shower had been in order. Ever since I'd spent the night with April, I had needed more of those. Both the exercise and the long showers. It only took a thought of her to get me all worked up, and it was becoming ridiculous. Something had taken over my body and turned me into a hormonal teen. But it wasn't only that, it was the other stuff that bothered me more.
The annoying, emotional stuff.
I didn't have any other word for it really, I only knew that I found myself missing April even though it had only been days since I'd last seen her. I'd think of her laugh and find myself missing it so much that I would reach for my phone without even thinking about it. Just one call to hear her voice, because I missed that too. But I needed to give her a bit of space and not be breathing down her neck every single second. So I would put the phone away and go back to pining.
I threw my towel into the laundry basket and took out some clothes to make myself presentable. I was having a meeting with my board in a few minutes over video conference, and I didn't think they would take too kindly to me wearing only a towel. Even though I was working from home now, I still had other responsibilities that I couldn't run away from. And my board meetings were something I couldn't push onto someone else. So I took out a white button down shirt and some black jeans, opting to just wear socks since they wouldn't be able to see my feet anyway.
I walked downstairs to my home office and switched on my laptop, laughing when Natalie's reminder of the meeting immediately popped up. I got settled behind my desk and opened some emails until the meeting started. It was just an update on our investments and basically reassuring one another that we were not running the company into the ground. Because if that ever happened, I doubted most of them would survive it.
When the meeting finally ended, I breathed in relief. I probably needed a vacation to get my head on right again because I was losing my passion for it. I longed to spend my days being carefree with a certain young lady and my child, coming up with new ideas for a new business. Maybe that's what this business needed, something new and fresh to focus on.
My phone drew me out of my thoughts, and my guess was that it was Natalie checking if the meeting had gone well and I'd played nice with the board. Not that I ever misbehaved, despite my many threats to rile up the old men and bring some excitement. I took my job very seriously, ninety nine percent of the time. It wasn't my assistant on the phone though, it was the agency, and I worried for a second that something was wrong.
"Hello, Julian speaking."
"Good day Mr. Rollett, how are you?”
“I'm well, thank you,” I said and waited for Elton to tell me what was going on.
“Good. I'm calling to let you know that we will have a new ultrasound of your baby this afternoon."
"Really?" I asked, wonderfully surprised. I couldn't stop my grin even if I wanted to.
"Yes, and this time, you're welcome to come through to the clinic if you're available. You'll get an update on how the baby is developing and anything else you might want to find out at this stage."
"I'll be there, thank you very much."
"You're welcome, sir. We'll see you when you come in, at 2 pm."
"Great!"
I laughed in joy after hanging up and ran a hand over my face. I still couldn't believe I would get to see my child today. It was only just a picture for now, but it was a real confirmation that my son or daughter was on the way and that meant the world to me. The baby had already changed me in ways I never knew were possible, and I hadn't even met him or her yet. Amazing.
I checked the time and saw that I still had about two more hours before my clinic appointment. The anticipation was going to kill me if I stayed in the house any longer, so I decided to get some lunch on my way there and get to the clinic early. It dawned on me as I reached for my keys that I didn't have anyone to celebrate this moment with. Had my life always been this lonely? If
so, how come I had never felt it before?
Maybe I would call April afterwards and convince her to have another dinner with me. It made me wonder what she would think of all this if she knew. It was probably so out of character for the person she thought I was that she wouldn't believe me anyway. Or she would, and it would work in my favor. Nothing said serious and responsible like having a child, right? And nothing said whipped and infatuated like making everything about the girl you were infatuated with.
You could probably call me Romeo and I would answer right now.
I took the keys to my car and made my way out, grabbing a quick lunch and driving towards the clinic in the shortest amount of time that I could. I was thirty minutes early by the time I arrived, and I waited impatiently in the waiting room. Time was now moving at a snail's pace, and I tapped my foot as I flipped through the magazines.
There was one with baby names, and I looked through it, smiling to myself when I saw some of the names. No way was I ever naming my kid something weird and difficult to spell or pronounce. I had always been a fan of short names and I would probably lean to that side. One thing for sure was that I would not be leaning towards Martin's joke of naming the child after myself. I hadn't really thought about names yet, but it was something I'd have to look into when the baby was about to be born. A shortlist for boys' and girls' names respectively because I didn't want to know the sex of the baby beforehand. I didn't care either way, I was just hoping for a healthy baby. Because whether it was a boy or a girl, I was still going to teach my child how to fix a bike, how to make a mean breakfast, and how to run the family business. If it turned out that they weren't interested in any of those things, at least they would still have the skills for life.
"Good luck with the baby, you've been doing great so far."
I looked up when I heard Dr. Carlton's voice, my heart stopping when I saw the profile of the woman she was with. In a loose yellow dress and the ugliest pair of boots I had ever seen, I could swear that I was looking at April Grant. And when she turned slightly, I saw the face that had been haunting my thoughts so often lately it had become engraved in my mind. There was no way I was mistaken.
What the hell was April doing here? With my doctor? And why had Dr. Carlton just placed her hand on April's belly? Hadn't she just wished April good luck with the baby? April was pregnant? My thoughts came rushing at me all at once in staggering questions, and my feet carried me to where they stood even while my mind was struggling to make sense of it all. Because nothing about this situation made any sense and I wondered if there was a good explanation for what was going on.
"April?" I said hesitantly.
Her smile disappeared instantly as she looked up at me, her eyes widening in shock. She was obviously just as surprised to see me here as I was to see her, although this had been the place where it all began with us.
"So that day..." I said, still in shock. "You were here because..."
"Julian, I'm sorry about all of this," my doctor said, looking every bit as sorry too.
April looked pale, and I worried for a second that she might pass out, but she stood where she was. She just chose to remain silent like she had the day I'd met her in the parking lot.
"Will you both please come into my office?"
I gestured for April to go first after the doctor, never taking my eyes off her. I forgot all about my excitement to see the first images of the baby as I walked into Dr. Carlton's office. It seemed like such a long time ago when I had been thinking of baby names, and now my doctor was about to tell me something that could change all of that. I had no idea what was going on, but I needed to find out. Two things were certain for now; this really was my April in front of me, and she really was pregnant.
I closed the door behind me, and Dr. Carlton gestured to the chairs. "Please take a seat."
I didn't feel like taking a seat, and I wanted to just demand that she explain everything. But I had no idea what was going on yet, and it wouldn't help for me to be impolite now. So I sat down. April sat to my right, and I noticed her hands were shaking in her lap. I wanted so badly to reach out and comfort her, but I wasn't sure what I was comforting her for yet.
"Please allow me to apologize to both of you, I don't know how I made the mistake of making your appointments so close to one another's. This never should have happened."
My jaw clenched. "And what exactly is happening, Dr. Carlton?"
She took a deep breath and looked like she wanted to apologize again. I didn't care about that anymore, I just wanted to know what was going on.
"Please, just say it as it is," I said.
"We don't usually let a surrogate mother and the father meet if they don't want to," she said, making my heart stop again.
This had to be some sort of mistake and not the kind she was apologizing for. She had it all wrong, surely. There was just no way April was my ideal match. It wasn't possible that she was the surrogate chosen for me and that she had been carrying my child all along. There were no such coincidences in life, were there? My mind felt like it would explode, and I wanted to ask her if she was saying what I thought she was saying.
"What are you saying, Dr. Carlton?" April finally spoke, her voice shaking as much as her body was.
I was shaking my head before she even replied because it couldn't be true. Was she trying to tell us that all this time my baby had been closer to me than I thought? That didn't seem right, and I had to have misheard. Yet when Dr. Carlton looked at me and said her next words, there was no misunderstanding now. It was as clear as day.
"You are carrying Julian's child."
Chapter 18 - April
Tears came to my eyes as I dry heaved for the third time. It didn't make any sense, and I could feel the food in my throat, just threatening to come out. Or maybe it was my heart? I just didn't know how to handle it all, and my body was not helping matters. It was like there was a short circuit between my brain and my body, and nothing was functioning the way it was supposed to. Another wave of nausea hit me, and I clutched my stomach and silently sobbed.
"April, please. Let me help."
I closed my eyes and tried to breathe through my nose, hoping when I opened them again, Julian would finally be gone. He had been knocking outside my bathroom for over thirty minutes now, and I wanted nothing more than for him to go away. It wasn't his fault, it wasn't anyone's fault, but he was the last person I wanted to see right now while I tried to process it all. Thank God my dad wasn't home.
After the shocking news that the stranger whose child I'd been carrying was a stranger no more, I had been in denial at first. Surely it couldn't be true. The same man I was struggling with feelings for and had a crush on most of my young life was the father of the child I was carrying? What were the odds, or fate, or whatever this bad reality show was?
I was trying to process a million emotions right now, and I was afraid I would probably have a minor stroke with all the stress I was feeling. Whatever my body was going through wasn't good for the baby, and I was terrified of affecting the baby's health in any way. Luckily, Julian had driven me home because I couldn't have handled that simple task in my current state. But now I wanted him as far away as possible so he wouldn't see me like this. So he wouldn't get a chance to tell me that he was going to take his child in a few months. What would happen to us then? Would I see my child growing up but never be a mother to them?
Thinking about everything again brought on a fresh stream of tears, and this time there was no nausea involved. My mind was being pulled in a million different directions, and I had no idea what to focus on. I didn't know what to feel or what to say or do. So I decided to start with the concrete facts. Things that I couldn't change or do anything about.
These were the facts.
Fact number one: A few months ago, I had decided to become a surrogate for an anonymous father-to-be, and the agreement was that my identity would remain anonymous as well. We would never meet, although they could have full access t
o information about the child I was carrying for them.
Fact number two: I'd had a crush on Julian Rollett for most of my life.
Fact number three: I'd slept with Julian Rollett.
Fact number four: The man I'd never thought I'd have, the man I'd eventually had and the man whose child I was having were the same man.
It was like my entire existence was revolving around Julian Rollett. The man had too much power in my life now, and Dr. Carlton had just dropped the biggest bomb on us and left me with the consequences of dealing with the radiation.
Sure, she'd said it was up to us to decide what to do now, but as per fact number one, I was never supposed to be in a situation where I got to decide anything of the sort.
And Julian was having a baby via surrogate? What else didn't I know about the man? The surprises just kept coming where he was concerned and I never, in my wildest dreams, thought I'd be part of one of those surprises.
I was carrying Julian's child.
I was pregnant with Julian's baby.
I had just heard Julian's baby's heartbeat a while ago and seen a picture of the unborn child.
No matter how many times I tried to let it sink in, it was just too much.
"April?" he called again, making my heart ache for him a little. My Wolf was probably reacting to his confusion and panic.
"Please let me in, I just want to make sure that you're okay. Should I call a doctor? Anything? Just say something, please."
Maybe I did need a doctor, just not one who would deliver more weird news to me. But I wasn't feeling sick, at least not really. I had no idea what was going on with my body, but it was mostly just shock. I just needed to breathe and rest, away from any kind of pressure. I waited for a couple of minutes until I felt like myself again, then stood and walked to the sink slowly. My face was blotched, and I looked like I had been run over by something wild. After splashing my face with some cold water, I grabbed a towel and dabbed a little bit to absorb the droplets. Then I took a deep breath and unlocked the door, and Julian was right in my face.