by Layla Silver
He looked panicked and as if he was on the verge of breaking down himself.
"Are you okay? Well, of course, you're not okay but how are you feeling?" he added quickly. "Can I help with anything? Do you want some water?"
I held up my hand to stop his rambling. I had no idea how I was feeling right now, and I didn't think water would help with anything. I needed something stronger, and I couldn't have that right now anyway. So there went my options.
"I'm fine," I said, unconvincingly if I was honest.
"April..." he tried again, but I cut him off.
"Julian, I'm fine. I'm trying to process what this means for me right now and you being here is making me more anxious."
Julian replied. "I'm just trying to help, April. I don't think you should be alone right now."
He sounded sincere, and I knew that he was being honest and caring. But he was wrong; I needed some time alone right now. He pressed his lips together, and it was strange seeing his dimple when he wasn't smiling or smirking, but rather looking so stern and serious.
"I need time to deal with this alone. We should probably have some time apart," I said.
He looked like he was ready to argue, and I placed my hand over his chest. His heart was beating steadily under my palm, and I wanted to lay my head there so badly but I couldn't.
"Please, Julian. Don't make this hard for me," I whispered instead, hoping he would listen this time.
"I don't think spending time apart will change anything; that baby will still be mine, and I intend to help you through this," he argued, then took my hand in his.
My other hand involuntarily went to my belly, and his eyes followed the movement. He was probably thinking about how his baby was in there and would have a ton of questions for me.
"This is not about what you want, Julian. It's about what I need and not putting me under any pressure and stress that might harm this child," I said.
'Your child,' I added in my mind. I was still unable to process that piece of information. I was carrying Julian's child. All along, I had known the stranger whose child I was carrying. The same man I was falling in love with. The same man whose child I was falling in love with. Our child.
"April..."
"Please, Julian, just go. You've done the largest part of your business preparations already so you don't have to come in here for a while, and we won't have to see each other. Maybe we can take some time to think of what this means."
"Okay," he replied, sounding defeated. "If that's what you need, April, I'll go. But if you need anything at all, I'm here."
I nodded and let him kiss me on the cheek on his way out. Only when he closed the door did I finally breathe and allow myself to completely break down. There were cute little tears you cried when you were happy, then there were the heavy sobs you cried when you lost someone. The interesting thing about tears was that much research had been done on why humans cry. There were different types of tears, and the most interesting type was emotional tears. What really made eyes water when there was emotional distress? What was the connection between the two?
My tears were a different story altogether because I didn't know why I was crying exactly. I just knew that I was completely overwhelmed by everything. Perhaps my tears were more like a baby's, maybe I was trying to catch the attention of someone to help me out of this mess. Maybe if I cried enough, my tears would wash away the memory of what had happened today. The exact moment Dr. Carlton had told me that I was Julian's surrogate. That wasn't going to happen though, so I just curled in my bed and wept silently. I didn't make a sound, I just let the tears fall.
Today had started out great. I had seen the baby. It was still really tiny, but I'd seen the confirmation that indeed, the little person in my belly was growing. I had heard the baby's heartbeat and had been excited, then I'd felt sad all at once. Sad because I knew that my days with the baby were numbered.
Then it had all gone south.
I cried some more until I couldn't anymore, until I was sure I'd become dehydrated if I cried more. I ran a hand over my belly and hoped the baby couldn't feel my sadness.
"I'm so sorry I put you in the middle of all of this," I whispered. "I didn't know it would be such a bad thing to love you, but none of it is your fault. Whatever happens, I will put you first, I promise."
I was growing attached to the baby, and I wanted my own happy ending. Julian had signed a contract and put up his money for the process, he was expecting his own ending. The clinic had facilitated everything, and they were also expecting a certain outcome according to their policies. In all of those scenarios, I would end up being on the losing side. My heart would be broken no matter what. But because I cared about this child, I would do what was best.
And I would. Whatever was best for the child was what I would do. This was not about me and my feelings, it was about doing the right thing. I was a mature adult, capable of doing at least that much. I wiped my face and got off my bed to go and run myself a bath. It was time to pull myself together and start moving forward.
Chapter 19 – Julian
I took off my gloves and looked at the work I had done so far on the final wall. I was painting the baby's nursery according to the woodlands theme I had been working with. The magazine was open on the room I had liked the best, and I was just doing exactly as they had done it in that picture. Various shades of white and cream, and a bit of brown. I would buy more stuffed animals, of course, enough to start a zoo of my own. I took a step back to get a different angle on the paint job I'd done, and it didn't look half bad. Of course, I wouldn't be painting any murals anytime soon but straight lines I could do well.
I took off my disposable plastic apron and went downstairs to my kitchen to throw it into the bin. I hadn't eaten since morning when I had decided to work on the nursery for a bit, so I opened the fridge to see what I could make quickly. Not that I had much of an appetite anyway, but I needed to eat something. I had skipped dinner the previous night because I'd slept on my desk, working late. By the time I'd woken up in the middle of the night, I could only muster enough strength to get to my bed and sleep.
This week had been particularly hard, more than the previous three. I never knew that a month could be so long and that it could be anything other than thirty or thirty one days. This one felt like a year within a month, and I felt every second of it go by slowly like it was taunting me. I had probably aged a lot too with the amount of worry I was dealing with, the anger and confusion adding to it as well. April had become like a ghost or someone I had just imagined. She wouldn't take my calls and was always conveniently absent whenever I visited her dad. She was impressively good in that regard, like she was some of sort of secret agent.
The first few times April would answer her phone and tell me that she had nothing to say to me and that I should stop calling. When I hadn't listened, she'd just stopped talking to me altogether. I got quite acquainted with her voicemail, and I left her enough messages to be considered insane. 'Hi, this is April, you know what to do' had become her theme song, and I was so sick of hearing it. When the messages hadn't worked, I had resorted to texts.
I had believed that if I remained persistent enough, she would see my efforts and agree to at least talk about everything. So far, nothing had worked, and I was beginning to fear that nothing ever would. I didn't want her to feel like I was stalking her.
I sighed and pushed my hair away from my face; it was too long now, but I didn't care. So was my beard. I looked more like my Wolf now in human form. For someone who spent his days doing nothing but worrying and calling April's voicemail, it was surprising that I didn't have the time to shave or get a haircut.
"Damn it, April!" I growled, pulling my hair and closing my eyes in frustration as I banged my head against the kitchen counter.
I wanted to give her the space she wanted, but I didn't understand why she needed so much of it. We needed to talk and sort this out. She was probably confused and scared as well, but hiding wou
ldn't solve anything. It was just making matters worse because who knew what she was thinking right now? She could be imagining all sorts of things about me that could easily be cleared by just talking to me. And so I was angry at this whole situation, and at the agency for putting us in this situation.
Yet, on the other hand, I was glad that I knew who the mother of my child was. That she was beautiful and smart and funny. That she was a terrible cook but never stopped trying. I knew what she looked like when she was happy, and her green eyes shone like emeralds. And that when she shifted, she was the most beautiful Wolf I had ever seen. I couldn't have chosen a better surrogate, and perhaps it was fate that had brought us together this way. I had never been a romantic or firm believer in that sort of thing, but even I had to admit it couldn't have all been a coincidence. That the one thing I'd never thought I'd do would end up making me so happy and it just so happened she had decided to do the same at the exact opportune time? Amazing.
I took out my phone and tried her number again, listening while it went straight to voicemail. That was the routine now; I'd call and then get her voicemail. It was a good thing I wasn't prone to angry outbursts, or I would have smashed my phone by now. So I put my phone down and made some sandwiches while blending some fruit. I sat down to eat and tried not to think of what April was doing wherever she was at this moment.
Was she having lunch and thinking about me too? Had she moved on? Did she ever want to see me again? I sighed and pushed my plate away when I finished. Being in the house all day was not helping matters, and I felt the urge to run and relieve some of the tension in my body. So I left my phone on the kitchen counter and went outside for a run, feeling better the moment I shifted, and my large paws touched the ground.
It was like shedding one version of myself that I didn't particularly like right now and embracing another. There was something truly magical about being in my Wolf form. It was like I felt the heartbeat of the earth beneath my paws. Every sound the soil made, mixed with the dry leaves. Every single tiny creature that crawled on the surface. And every sound that came out of the wind coming into contact with something. I felt it all and became one with it, one with the lovely thing that was nature.
It made me think of running with April, how complete I had felt in that moment. She understood it all in a way that other Wolves might take for granted. My Wolf senses heightened as I ran, always preparing for a chase. My ears peaked when I heard a sound on a nearby bush; it was probably a rabbit. I changed direction and started following the sound, catching the rabbit's scent in the air. I had no intention of hunting it; I just wanted something to focus on for a little while. I saw a flash of white and gray and followed it, feeling good when I caught up with it and jumped over it.
The momentary adrenaline rush subsided, and I lay on the ground, folding my hind legs beneath me. I let go of everything and just lay there, listening to everything around me. My Wolf whined in sadness and longing, and I knew what that feeling was. I had been separated from my mate, and a part of me was missing. Was this what love felt like? I thought. I wished I could lick the wound in my heart and make it better. Because if this was love then it sucked and could really use an update. Something less gloomy and painful, and a little more cheery and satisfying.
I catalogued everything that I felt for April in the best way I knew how.
The one thing that had always been certain and constant in my life had been my shifter form. I understood my need to shift, and I knew I would be incomplete and hollow without my Wolf. There was perfect harmony between my being human and also being a shifter. I wasn't half of each, I was completely both, and yet there were different parts of me as well. It didn't need to make sense to anyone else but me, and I liked it that way.
Did I feel the same way about April? Did she feel effortless and like I was coming home? Did I get excited every time to be with her, the same way I got excited to shift and become one with my Wolf?
The answer was yes. I knew she made me happy, and I liked the person I was when I was with her. It didn't need to make sense to anyone else but me. I felt incomplete without her now, and I wanted to be with her in every way. I connected with both her human and her shifter form all at once; there was that perfect harmony between us. April Grant had made her way into my heart, and now I was deeply in love with her.
I was lonely, and I was hurting, but I had no doubt that this was love. I was angry and feeling helpless, but this was definitely love. I knew this because if it had been anything or anyone else, I wouldn't have cared. But because I loved her, I cared that she was not with me now. And it hurt so badly, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
I wanted even more if it meant I got to have April and our child. We could be a family, the three of us. I didn't have to wonder anymore what characteristics the mother of my child could pass on to our child. I didn't need to imagine what kind of mother she would be like and I certainly didn't have to think of a way to start a relationship with April while raising a child on my own. Perhaps love wasn't as complicated as it would have me think; this was the simplest situation I'd found myself in in months. All I had to do was stop wallowing and take action. I needed to show April that I was meant to be with her.
I pulled myself up, feeling much better than I had earlier. I now knew what I had to do and I felt really good about my decision. I couldn't believe it had taken me a month of wallowing to do this, but it was better late than never I supposed. So I ran back to the house and shifted, then took a quick shower. I drove to the mall nearby and picked a few items for the baby, needed for the delivery bag, according to my research. It consisted of two pairs of rompers with matching socks and hats, a cotton blanket, some diapers, and a teddy bear. I also bought the same flowers I had brought for her on our date and some food for the picnic I intended to take her on.
Armed with my purchases, I drove to April's house to get my family together.
Chapter 20 – April
I looked at my belly and couldn't help but smile. Despite my somber mood in the past few weeks, the baby had continued to grow as if trying to remind me that no matter what Julian and I were going through we would have to face him or her in the end. My belly was expanding, and I would have to face Julian someday soon.
Just not today.
I missed him, though. There was always this intense sadness I felt whenever I read his texts, and I had wanted to call him back so badly that I had to switch off my phone to avoid doing that. I missed everything about him and the way he made me feel when I was with him. I also couldn't lie to myself about the fact that I was actually happy he had turned out to be the father of the child I was carrying. At least now I knew that this baby would be going to someone who would love it and raise it well. It had absolutely nothing to do with the fantasies I used to have of having Julian's babies, but everything to do with the man I knew he was now.
I dressed and went to the kitchen to prepare something to eat. I seemed to be hungry all the time now and could eat just about anything. On the plus side, I still didn't have any weird cravings, but on the negative side, I was putting on weight really fast and would need some new clothes soon. I was still keeping a good exercise routine, and it did well to keep me busy. Exercising, eating, and spending my time reading medical journals. Some would say my life was complete, and I would even go as far as lying to myself that it was too.
But I knew better.
I was putting way more effort into avoiding Julian than anything else. Because if I saw him, I knew that I would totally lose it. I really missed him, and knowing that I was carrying his child was making me daydream about things that I shouldn't daydream about. Which just made everything worse. The effort he had been putting into trying to reach me gave me hope that he might be serious after all and really wanted to be with me. I just couldn't bring myself to be vulnerable enough to believe it could work.
Then there was the issue with my dad. Would he really be able to accept our relationship with how complicated it was
? Not only was Julian an old friend of his, but he was also the father of the child I secretly wanted to keep but was never supposed to. Deep down, I knew that my father would want me to be happy, and even though it would be weird at first, I could definitely see him accepting us.
It helped that I hadn't seen much of him lately, or he hadn't seen much of me. Because if he had been around enough to notice what was going on with me, all hell would have broken loose. Luckily he had been travelling a lot, coming back home for two days at a time at most. I envied his busy schedule, I wished I had something to keep my mind off everything that was going on in my life.
A loud knock on the front door startled me, and I went to answer without thinking. My heart stopped when I saw Julian with a teddy bear under his arm and a bunch of flowers in his hand.
"Julian, what are you doing here?" I asked.
It was a stupid question, but he had really taken me by surprise. And he looked like the past month had been rough on him as well, with his long hair and beard. He somehow made it work, though, but he wasn't the Julian I knew and loved.
"Hi April," he said, giving me a nervous smile.
I didn't blame him for being nervous, especially after the way I had been treating him lately. He probably was wary of how I would react to whatever he wanted to say. But now that he was right in front of me, I wanted nothing more than to hear his voice and let him hold me and comfort me. So I would listen to whatever he wanted to say. I owed him that much.
"Why are you here, Julian?" I repeated, now feeling nervous myself.
I didn't know it until that moment, but I really wanted him to say something I needed and wanted to hear. I couldn't handle anything else.
"You have no idea how great it is to hear your voice and to see your face," he replied. "I suppose I have a thousand reasons why I'm here."