by Leah Meers
I hadn't sat down with my family for dinner since I told my dad to call off the interview in North Carolina. We passed each other in the house, or I spotted him pulling in the driveway when I was on my way out to hang with Gabe. My mom tried to get us to talk, but I really had nothing to say.
The thought I could lose my family in this whole mess ripped through my mind, and I hit "Reply" before thinking about it.
Cody: Yeah, I'll be done with work soon. Dinner at 6?
The blue dots started flashing right away, and I imagined my mom's jaw dropping open. They flashed, stopped, and flashed again before the simple message came through.
Mom: Six like always. It'll tell your dad to put on another steak.
I tapped over to my texts with Gabe and glanced up and down the path to make sure I was alone.
Cody: Hey Gabe. Eating with my mom and dad tonight, so I'll be late to Revere's.
Gabe: You mean I'll have to work without watching you fend off pretty boys all night like usual? How will I cope?
Cody: I'll wear my tightest t-shirt and flex a lot, so the same number of guys hit on me in a shorter amount of time later. Will that help?
Gabe: Yes, that's exactly what I wanted, you ass. Paul has the air turned up. Wear a bulky sweater instead.
I bit back my laugh and peered around to make sure no one caught me slacking. A quick goodbye and I turned back to the mulch.
~ ~ ~
After a shower and change into the clothes I'd wear to Revere's – not a bulky sweater – I jogged downstairs and met my parents out on the deck. My dad slid the steaks onto a platter without a glance at me while my mom gave me a squeeze.
"It's good to have you here, Cody. The camp keeping you busy?" She shifted potato salad and a dish of grilled vegetables to the side to make room for the meat.
"Yeah. Tons of stuff to do. The first guests are coming next weekend, so it'll be more customer service and less raking mulch, I guess."
Mom smiled and sipped her iced tea while Dad scowled down at his steak. "Made some new friends? You got a girlfriend keeping you out all night?" A forced smile appeared and vanished just as quickly. It was the first full sentence he said to me in weeks, and it was a minefield.
I chewed and swallowed carefully while my mind tripped over what to say. "Some new friends, yeah. No girlfriend. Mostly, I've been hanging out with Gabe. Remember my old roommate from college? He moved back to town." A voice in my mind screamed at me. Why? Why did I mention Gabe at all? Was this it? Holy shit… was I about to come out to my family?
Dad's scowl deepened, and a red flush crept out of his collar. "Gabe Bellamy?" He spit out his name like it was something nasty. "What could you possibly have in common with someone like him?"
That tiny hopeful sliver of light vanished as the door inside my mind, the one that hid the real me, slammed shut again. I shrugged. "He's a good guy."
The silence grew too long as we stared at our plates and shoved food around.
"Chaz Prentiss came into the shop the other day looking for some summer work before he joins his father's firm in the city."
The piece of steak in my mouth threatened to choke me as I whipped my head up toward my father.
"You two used to play baseball together, right? I'm sure he'd like to hang out sometime." He fisted his knife and sawed off another bite of steak.
I managed to swallow without dying. "No, Dad. He's kinda a jerk. Used to bully people pretty bad."
My dad shrugged and stabbed another piece of steak. "All guys mess around in high school. I'm sure he's over that silly stuff now."
The memory of Gabe's haunted eyes the morning I showed up at his place flew through my mind. The mind movie of Chaz pushing him up against his car in the Bowline parking lot played in a loop. "No. He's still like that."
The shrug and look of disbelief on my father's face shot through me like an arrow. "I saw him threatening someone at the Bowline. He nearly ran over Gabe at the diner a couple weeks ago." My mom's eyes widened as my voice grew louder.
"Bull," my father snapped. "Your little friend probably had his nose buried in a fashion magazine and didn't look where he was going."
My fork clattered against the plate as I shot to my feet. "Fashion magazine? What the fuck, Dad!"
"Cody, language!" Her head whipped from me to dad and back again. "Lower your voices, both of you."
Dad got up and leaned hard against the table. "He's not your kind of people, Cody. You're a goddamn baseball player and he's… he's. I don't know! A hair stylist or cupcake decorator or whatever people like him do." His finger jabbed the air between us. "You stay away from him. It's bad enough you want to go play camp counselor instead of get back on the field, but now you want to hang out with—"
"I got hurt, Dad," I spat as I stepped closer to him. For the first time in my life, I realized he was shorter than me. "You act like I ruined my shoulder to spite you. And you know what? I'm glad. I'll take the pain just to get you off my back." I took another step closer, and he rocked backward. Something besides anger flashed through his eyes.
"And Gabe? You couldn't make me stay away from him if you tried. You know nothing about the type of man he is. Nothing."
My mom's gasp broke the silence, and I turned away from my dad's molten glare to storm back into the house and upstairs to my old room. Sandy barked from the living room and trotted after me to the bottom of the steps.
My clothes and other personal stuff filled out my old baseball gear duffel. I slung it over my good shoulder and pounded down the stairs. I could hear my parents arguing on the deck, but I didn't falter on my way out the door.
There was only place I wanted to be, and I could only be glad no cops saw me fly through town on the way to Revere's. Gabe bounced to the heavy beat of the music as he worked the controls on the DJ booth at the far side of the room. I pushed through the crowd until I reached the corner of the dance floor where I usually waited for him. My chest heaved as if I just ran a mile, and crazy nervous energy ran down my spine.
Gabe looked up, met my gaze, and a glorious smile spread across his face. He tapped his wrist and raised five fingers. Five minutes until his break, and I didn't know if I could wait that long. Every cell in my body wanted him, needed his hands on me and his voice in my ear telling me I didn't just make the biggest mistake of my life.
Chapter Eleven
Gabe
My gaze strayed to the corner of the dance floor where Cody usually waited for me to finish the second set of the night. Revere's throbbed with music and the beautiful men I played it for, but there was only one I wanted to see. A few minutes before my last break, I looked up and spotted him standing there in his usual t-shirt and jeans. Of course, he wouldn't wear a bulky sweater to keep the thirsty boys away from him. Not only was it too hot in the bar, but he knew I wanted to see his muscles just as much as they did.
I switched on my favorite break playlist and hopped off the DJ stand and into Cody's arms. He pulled me against his chest and kissed my forehead in that adorable way he had. As much as I loved the affection he showed here at Revere's, I fought the uncomfortable thoughts that wound through my brain repeatedly in the past week or so.
Revere's, yeah. In my apartment? Oh, yeah. Anywhere else? It was like we were back in college again. He never asked me out on a date, and it scared me to try in case he turned me down. We didn't even grab lunch or do any of the millions of other things friends did. Our schedules didn't really mesh. He went to the camp early in the morning while I was still in bed from my late-night shifts. I could come up with a million excuses, but it all came down to not having a real, out-there relationship.
I leaned my head against his shoulder and brushed my lips across the stubble on his jaw. A tinge of smoke smell overlaid his usual soap and Cody scent. "Why do you smell like a barbecue?"
He pulled back and tried to smile. "My dad grilled steaks."
I narrowed my eyes at the tone of his voice. "Something happened."
The arms around me dropped to his sides. "Can we talk about it later? At your place?"
Of course, at my place. Not like I would ever want to go grab some food at the diner or take a romantic moonlit walk along the lakeshore or anything. "Yeah. I better get back to work." I watched him meander toward the bar until I returned to the controls. The crowd was hot tonight. They mobbed the dance floor, and I had to keep them feeling the vibe so they stayed to close the place down.
~ ~ ~
Paul polished the other end of the bar, Whit pulled on his leather jacket, and Houston slumped over a bar stool and rubbed the back of his neck. The crowds had filtered out half an hour ago, and Cody disappeared with them. I waved a goodbye and pushed out into the chilly after-midnight air.
Cody leaned against his car, baseball cap tipped back as his eyes tracked the stars. He didn't look at me as I approached, but lifted his arm to wrap it around my shoulders.
I tucked myself under his arm. "You okay?"
"I don't know," he said, still staring up at the sky.
A twist of nerves raced down my back. This didn't sound like Cody. My brain filled in all sorts of horrific stories about what could have gone wrong. Another fight with his parents at dinner? Something happened at work? Maybe… The thought struck my brain like a thunderbolt. Maybe he came out? An ecstatic thrill chased the nerves through me.
"Talk to me, Cody. What's up? What happened?" I rubbed my chilled fingers over the thick scruff on his jaw, but he wouldn't turn to look at me. I followed his gaze up to the stars as if they somehow held the answers to all my questions.
"It's cold," he said and glanced at me at last. "Let me follow you to your place?"
My eyebrows shot up. This was new. We always took my car and then he would catch an Uber back to get his before heading home before morning. If Cody was okay with leaving his car outside my apartment all night long…
I tried to fight back the smile. "Okay, let's go."
The whole way there, I snuck glances in my rearview mirror to make sure he was still following me. He parked and followed me silently upstairs. On an ordinary night, we'd get water, maybe try to watch something on TV, and end up in bed within half an hour. Then, after quick showers and a cuddle, he'd head out while I passed out from exhaustion.
Cody settled on his usual side of the couch while I fetched two glasses of water. The moment I sat down, he reached out and twisted his fingers through mine.
I couldn't stand it anymore. "Cody, did you come out to your parents tonight?"
He jerked back and curled his hands into his lap. "No! I mean, I don't think so."
The emphatic negative sank through my brain and woke the same dark doubt that had grown over the past few weeks. I slouched back onto the cushions. "What do you mean you don't think so?"
He took his ball cap off and scrubbed a hand over his hair before nibbling the side of his thumb. "I mean, I didn't. My Dad was being an asshole about you. Saying shit like usual, and I just… I didn't—"
"What do you mean saying shit like usual?" The doubt transformed into something darker. Cody's dad ragged on me, and he couldn’t even stand up for me? Was that it?
"He's an asshole," he repeated. "He doesn't think I should hang out with someone like you, ya know?"
I shot to my feet. "Someone like me." Cody stood up and stepped toward me, but I moved to the other side of the couch. I wrapped my arms around myself and tried to control the shivering that had nothing to do with the fall temperatures outside.
"Gabe, I told him off. I told him he's wrong."
"But you couldn't tell him you're with me." The last words seemed to echo in the air as I wordlessly begged Cody to say what I needed to hear. The silence stretched out, and I choked in a shuddering breath as my knees threatened to spill me onto the rug.
It happened again. I had told myself not to let it happen, but it was too late. What an idiot I was. Why did I fall for a man who couldn't even stand by my side?
Memories flashed through my mind. Cody on the couch in the college dorm room. Cody looking up at me with such want in his eyes at Revere's. Cody stepping away from me in the supermarket when I forgot for a second and reached for him when we randomly met in the cereal aisle. The words 'I can't do this' balanced on my tongue when Cody spoke again.
"I left. All my stuff's in the car." His shifting, complicated gaze sank into my mind and made the words in my mouth dry up. "Can I stay?"
The next question was the hardest I ever had to ask, but I refused to let myself take a step backward. Miriam would have been so proud of me. "Do you just need a place to stay, or do you want to stay with me?" I clenched my teeth together in an attempt to control the quaver in my voice. I wanted to believe what his frown and the tender look in those sparkling turquoise eyes told me.
"Gabe," he said, his voice a bare rumble as he walked toward me. "With you." He reached out so slowly and cupped my jaw in his broad hand. "I'm not trying to use you for a place to live, Gabe. I want to be with you. You have to believe that."
I did have to believe that or I would fly apart into a million pieces, and I wasn't sure I could put myself back together again. My body sank against him until we connected from lips to knees. Instead of the wild heat that so easily roused between us, tenderness took over as he pressed and slipped across my lips and wrapped his strong arms around me. "I'm tired." More than sex, I wanted snuggling and sleep. "We can talk in the morning, right?"
"Yeah," he said and pulled back without letting go. "I don't need to be to work until one." His eyes narrowed as they met mine. "Are you sure it's okay that I stay here tonight? I'm not asking to like… move in, but just maybe a day or two until I can find somewhere."
"We'll talk in the morning, Cody." I brushed his lips with another kiss before letting go.
He fetched his gigantic duffel bag from the car while I took a shower. I cuddled under the blankets in flannel pants and an old tee and waited for him to get out of the bathroom. Cody climbed into bed, and I pushed over next to his warmth. It felt so right, but still a million miles away from where I wanted to be.
* * *
Birdsong and the muted rustle of leaves overhead filled my mind in the pre-dawn hours while I slept deep. The dream always started the same way at the moment when my everyday life transformed into a nightmare. I had been hurrying back to my tiny off-campus apartment. My backpack dragged on my shoulders, my earbuds piped music from an indie band into my brain, and all I cared about was getting home, getting changed, and getting food in my belly.
Everyone took the path through the woods at the east end of campus. It wasn't a dark and scary trail with no trespassing signs and urban legends warning against using it. I bobbed my head to the music and walked down the path the same way I did after every day of classes… and every time this dream crept into my head at night.
The first hit from the broom handle laid heavy fire against the backs of my thighs, and I pitched forward into the dust of the path with a cry. The second hit my calves, and I tried to roll away from the pain. Hands tugged my backpack off before grabbing my t-shirt. One fist barreled into my face hard enough to bloody my nose and splash an explosion of stars across my field of vision. Again, and my lip split. Again, and the initial shock blurred into terror.
A foot connected with my ribs and the broom handle cracked across my hip as I struggled to crawl away from my attackers. A white sneaker splattered red came down on my hand, and I felt the crunch of bones snapping. Blood burbled out of my nose and mouth with every harsh breath and cry. No matter which way I turned or what part of my body I tried to cover with ineffectual hands, there was another attack coming at me from a different direction.
Why, why, why? echoed through my mind, and then they told me why.
"Fucking faggot," one low voice growled as the person I could hardly see through swollen eyes knelt and twisted his fist into my hair. He slammed my head against the path and spat in my face. He got to his feet again as another powerful kick hit my ribs.
>
Every breath triggered a sharp pain in my side. Every swallow tasted like blood. Every pleading sound fell on deaf ears as my attackers continued their assault. Grunts, curses, and low laughter filled the bubble of pain and fear my world had condensed into.
"Come on," the voice said. "Let's give this little fag what he wants, huh?"
Rough hands yanked on my arm and flipped me over to force my head down into the weeds by the side of the path. A fisted hand. A blood-splattered sneaker. My jeans yanked down to my knees as two of them held me down in the bloody dirt.
"Give me that broom handle," the voice said again, "and keep him quiet."
A dirty hand smashed against my bleeding lips as I tried to kick and buck and fight. Fingers hooked into the back of my boxers, and—
"Hey!" A new voice burst onto the scene. "What are you doing?"
Another voice, a young woman's, cried out, "Oh my god. Let him go!"
Pounding feet fled down the path. New footsteps approached. I scrabbled to pull up my jeans with fingers that didn't want to work right. My sobs tore out of a throat coated with blood, and every gulp of air wanted to tear my chest apart with slicing, stabbing pain.
"Call 911." When the owner of the unfamiliar voice kneeled beside me in the dirt and reached toward me, I finally found the breath to scream.
* * *
I jolted upright in bed, the sweaty sheets pooled around my hips, the same way I had hundreds of times before. My breath came in harsh gasps, and it took me a few minutes to realize they didn't make my broken ribs hurt. My ribs were fine. Whole. I was safe at home in my apartment.
Cody slept on his stomach next to me, one arm curled around the pillow, his lips slightly parted. With each breath and the knowledge that I somehow managed not to scream that time, my heart rate returned to normal, and my mind released the memories of the attack from my senior year of college. I gulped down the glass of water Cody had left on the nightstand.