Love and Happiness

by Ben Burgess, Jr

  Pops knelt down on the floor and picked them up. “Girls, I know you’re upset. Daddy is a little busy at work. He should be home soon. He told me to tell you girls that he loves you,” he said, trying to console them.

  I was emotionally sapped. It had been two weeks since I’d seen Chris or heard from him. Pops had been a godsend. He’d been taking care of the kids while I worked.

  Tonight I needed to relax. Pops had agreed to watch the kids while I hung out with my girls. Chloe was picking me up at the house, and at the appointed time, I got a text from her.

  Hey, bitch face. I’m outside. Hurry up, so I don’t have to fight with Chris’s punk-ass daddy.

  I looked out the living-room window and saw her red Acura TL parked in the driveway. She was using her vanity mirror to put on her eye shadow. I kissed Pops on the cheek, thanked him again for all his help, hugged the kids, and told them I’d see them in the morning. I then headed out for a night of hard drinking to calm my nerves.

  “What’s up, K?” Chloe asked when I got in the car and fastened my seat belt.

  “Nothing. I’m still stressing over this Chris situation.”

  “Cheer the fuck up. What was he doing looking through your phone, anyway? You look for shit, you find shit.”

  “Whenever you’re with a guy, you always snoop through their phones,” I reminded Chloe.

  “Yeah, but women are inquisitive by nature. Unless he’s a bitch, he shouldn’t have looked in your phone. Besides, most of the time, I’m bored with the guys, and I’m looking for a way to kick them to the curb, anyway.”

  We laughed.

  “You should be happy Chris found out. Now you don’t have to worry about hiding things,” Chloe said gleefully.

  “Does Chris piss you off that much? You always sound like you hate him,” I replied.

  “I don’t hate him. I just don’t feel he’s the right man for you. Plus, when y’all first started dating, he told me that I didn’t have the self-discipline to finish college, and that I should aspire to be more than a cashier at a grocery store.”

  “But you hated school and didn’t finish. And you despise your job at the grocery store.”

  “Yeah, but it’s bad enough I kind of feel like a failure. I didn’t appreciate his bougie ass judging me. Besides, I’m head cashier at the store now.” She chuckled.

  “Well, excuse me, Miss Thang,” I laughed.

  “Seriously, K, have you considered that you cheated on him because he’s not right for you? You want someone who’s affectionate. You want someone who’s going to compliment you and make you feel special. What if he’s doing the best he can, but his best just isn’t enough for you? Should you settle? Should you sacrifice your happiness because that’s all he can give? Should he sacrifice his happiness by trying to be something he’s not to make you happy? Love shouldn’t be hard. If you feel it’s too much work with someone, then you shouldn’t be with them.”

  I didn’t agree with everything she’d said, but there was some truth to her statement.

  “All relationships take work. You’ll never find everything you want in one person,” I said.

  “You can believe that shit if you want, but I’m looking for Mr. Right, and I’m not settling for Mr. Right Now.”

  I put my elbow on the armrest and my fist against my cheek and looked out the window. I thought about what Chloe had said as we made our way to Lindsey’s place. What if Chris was doing the best he could do, but his best just wasn’t enough for me? Should I settle? Should I sacrifice my happiness because that was all he could give? In my heart, I still believed Chris was the man for me, but I couldn’t lie to myself. Those questions were still heavy on my mind.

  When we got to Lindsey’s, Lindsey, Judy, and Vivian met us at the door. Jeff was entertaining some of his coworkers and friends in the living room. He waved at us and then went back to laughing with his guests.

  “Y’all ready to go?” Lindsey asked.

  When everybody nodded, she said, “All right. Who’s driving?”

  “Not me,” Chloe said.

  “I came with Chloe,” I said.

  “I drive a two-seater,” Judy laughed.

  “My car is a wreck, and I’m low on gas,” Vivian chimed in.

  “You guys suck. I always drive,” Lindsey pouted.

  “You got a big truck, bitch,” Chloe joked.

  Lindsey smiled and rolled her eyes.

  We walked out of Lindsey’s house and piled in her Mercedes-Benz. As we headed to Webster Hall in the city, I told everybody about the horror that was my life.

  “I know he’s upset about finding everything out, but he’s a douche for leaving you to deal with the kids by yourself,” Judy said when I was done.

  “He’s just a douche, period,” Vivian said.

  Chloe and Vivian laughed together. Lindsey didn’t say a word.

  “Are you going to divorce him and get that alimony and child support money?” Vivian asked.

  “I don’t know if we’re going that far yet,” I said, feeling uncomfortable even thinking about us getting divorced.

  “It’s something you need to think about. If he wasn’t giving you what you wanted then, what makes you think that after finding this out, he’d give you what you want now?” Judy asked.

  “I don’t know. I don’t know what I want to do or what I want in life anymore. I wish I could just start over. I wish that Monday had never happened, and that this was all a bad dream,” I said as tears welled up in my eyes.

  “Wasn’t Raheem better than Chris in bed, anyway? Forget Chris and stick with what was making you happy,” Chloe said.

  “He was good, but Raheem wasn’t better than Chris. I enjoyed sex with Raheem, but Chris has always been the best. It was never about sex, though. I wanted passion. I wanted to feel appreciated and desired. Now I just feel stupid. All this shit is crashing down on me. I might lose my job. Chris hates me. I just can’t right now . . .”

  I broke down and wept. Chloe and Lindsey already knew everything, but while Judy and Vivian consoled me, I told them more about the drama at work, Tyrell’s talk with Chris, Chris attacking Raheem, and my talk with Tyrell. My girls all tried in their own way to cheer me up.

  “Your drinks are on me tonight,” Judy offered.

  “I’m going to find you a man tonight,” Vivian said.

  Chloe reached in my purse and pulled out my cell phone.

  “What are you doing?” I asked.

  “I’m texting Raheem to tell him to come out tonight. You need some dick bad.”

  I tried to snatch my phone away from Chloe, but she maneuvered her hand so I couldn’t grab the phone, then finished her text and sent it to him.

  “I don’t need any dick right now. My stupidity and dick are what got me into this mess,” I sighed.

  “What’s done is done.” Chloe shrugged.

  My phone chimed, letting me know I had a text message. Chloe read it.

  “See, he said he’s going to come out tonight. You have so much fun when he’s around. Take this time to enjoy yourself and stop worrying about Chris,” Chloe said, handing me my phone.

  “No. I’m not dealing with this shit tonight. I just want to have a drama-free time,” I insisted.

  I texted Raheem back.

  That was my sister that texted you with my phone. With everything that’s going on, I think it’s best if we don’t meet up at the club.

  I got a reply from Raheem right away.

  You seem to be having a problem with people getting hold of your phone and messaging me.

  I didn’t know how I should respond to that, but I needed to drive the point home that I didn’t want to see him.

  It won’t happen anymore. I promise you that. Stay home.

  He wrote me back right away.

  I want to see you tonight. We can put all the other shit behind us. I just want to have a good time with you.

  I knew that was out of the question.

  No. I need to fix my life ri
ght now, and seeing you won’t help either of us.

  He texted me right back, refusing to give up.

  You’re saying that now. Once you see me in person, you’ll feel differently. I’ll see you there.

  I kept my next text short and to the point, hoping that would dissuade him.

  No, seriously, don’t come.

  He didn’t respond this time. I sighed and hoped he wouldn’t show.

  Moments later we pulled up to Webster Hall.

  “I’ll drop y’all off here. Karen, can you stay with me while I look for parking?” Lindsey said.

  Usually, Lindsey had no problem finding parking on her own. This had to mean she wanted to talk to me alone.

  “Sure,” I said.

  Judy, Vivian, and Chloe hopped out and immediately started flirting with some guys standing in front of the club. Lindsey drove around the block and double-parked. After shutting off the engine, she turned to me.

  “Karen, you need to work things out with Chris.”

  “I don’t know what to do. I just want to be happy. I wish I had what you and Jeff have,” I told her.

  “You can’t have what Jeff and I have, because you’re not me, and Chris is not Jeff. I wish I could have what you have. I want to be a mother and have children more than anything in the world. I might never get the opportunity, and it’s not a major concern to Jeff. He loves me, but he likes the freedom of not having to be responsible for kids. I want kids more than I want jewelry, trips, or a big house.”

  I saw the sincerity in her eyes. Maybe I had been so busy dwelling on what I didn’t have that I’d stopped appreciating what I did.

  She went on. “The truth is, we’re never satisfied. We always want what we don’t have. I want your life, and you want mine. You need to put a lot of thought into what’s really important to you and what makes you happy. What might be good for me might not be good for you. We all gave you advice tonight, but you have to decide what’s best for you.”

  “As always, thanks for being the voice of reason, Lindsey.”

  “I’ll always have your back, bestie. You now that.”

  We hugged while tears streamed down our faces.

  We circled around for a while, found parking, and then met the girls inside the club. Chloe was sitting on a guy’s lap, while Vivian was laughing with another guy. Judy was standing by the bar, waiting for drinks. Lindsey and I walked to the bar and commenced our night of heavy drinking and dancing.

  Raheem arrived around eleven. I’d spent the past few hours trying to drink my troubles away and praying he wouldn’t show, so I was smashed when he got there. Lindsey had stopped drinking a while ago, because she was the designated driver, and so she watched Raheem like a hawk. She had always been protective of me, and I loved her for that.

  “Hey, Raheem,” Chloe slurred from her perch on that guy’s lap.

  “What’s up, Chloe?” Raheem said.

  “My sister here needs some dick! You think you can help her out?”

  “Chloe!” I shouted, feeling embarrassed.

  “Don’t be ashamed of it.” Chloe turned and addressed the guy whose lap she was sitting on. “I’m going to get some dick tonight too. Right, buddy?”

  He grinned and nodded.

  “She doesn’t speak for me. Dick is the last thing I want tonight,” I said.

  “Is that right?” Raheem asked, looking at me hungrily.

  “She’s fine, Chloe. Karen’s right. That’s not what she needs right now,” Lindsey said. She was sitting right next to me at the bar.

  Raheem frowned at Lindsey. Chloe shrugged her shoulders and went back to flirting with her new guy. I downed three more tequila shots, and then Raheem playfully pulled me to the dance floor. Surprisingly, he hadn’t had a single drink.

  In my absence, Judy asked Lindsey to keep her company after she found out the guy who’d been hitting on her all night was married.

  I had drunk way too much. I was at the point where I could barely stand, so dancing was out of the question.

  “Let me take you home,” Raheem offered as we stood on the edge of the dance floor.

  I was so drunk I would’ve agreed to anything at that point. I laughed and nodded yes. On wobbly legs, I stumbled my way to the entrance. Lindsey must have seen me heading out with Raheem, because she met me at the coat check and grabbed my arm.

  “Where are you going?” she asked.

  “Oh, leave her alone, Lindsey. Let these two adults enjoy their night,” Chloe said. She had followed Lindsey to the coat check.

  Raheem winked at Chloe and took my arm. Lindsey reached for me, but at that very moment, Vivian grabbed her hand and pulled her to the dance floor. Lindsey looked concerned as she gazed back at me. I was so drunk that I felt like I was watching a movie. Before I could even comprehend what was going on, Raheem and I were picking up his truck from the valet.

  Raheem put me in his truck and drove us somewhere. When we got there, he came around to the passenger side of the car, opened the door, took me by the hand, and pulled my wobbly body from the seat. I was way too drunk to take in my surroundings, but the next thing I knew, I was being placed on a bed. Then my clothes were being taken off. I heard the clank of his belt as his pants fell around his ankles. I heard him rip open the wrapper of a condom.

  I felt Raheem grab my ass and maneuver me until I was positioned the way he wanted me, with my ass in the air and my face mashed into the bedsheets. I struggled to angle my head to the side so I could breathe. Suddenly, I felt the fullness of his dick push inside me. I didn’t complain. I didn’t want sex right now, but I didn’t fight it. I was too emotionally exhausted to fight. Even in my inebriated state, I knew this would be a life-altering mistake.

  “Can . . . we . . . just . . . talk? I need to . . . talk right now,” I said, slurring my words.

  “Go ahead. Talk,” Raheem said as he continued to pump inside me.

  Raheem turned me over and laid me on my back. He grabbed my knees and forced my legs apart. I thought about Chris and how my life was so chaotic right now. I kept hearing Chris’s words in my head.

  You’re taking advice from lonely bitches who can’t find men for themselves? The only friend you have with any intelligence is Lindsey. The rest of them are fucking miserable, but you’ll take advice from them, right?

  Was Chloe really happy? Were Judy and Vivian really happy? They had all slept with their fair share of men, but their relationships didn’t last. While I was envious of Lindsey, she had confessed that she was envious of me.

  My buzz was wearing off now. And Raheem panting and sweating on top of me was making me feel filthy.

  “Can we talk, Raheem?”

  Raheem just grunted, then roughly turned me around, pressed my face into the pillow, and fucked me from behind again.

  “We are talking,” he said as he sped up his rhythm.

  He wrapped my hair around his hand, shoved my face deeper into the pillow, and pounded me relentlessly. His grip on my hair tightened so much that my scalp started to burn. I screamed from the pain, but the louder I screamed, the harder he fucked me. I grabbed the bedsheets, gripped them tightly, and my fingers clawed the mattress. The headboard slammed repeatedly against the wall.

  I felt disgusting, useless, and ashamed. I felt like a whore. Tears streamed down my face. Raheem didn’t care; he continued pounding me. Reality finally hit me. I loved the illusion that Raheem cared about me, but the truth was, I was just a piece of ass to him.

  In one swift motion, Raheem pulled out of me and turned me over.

  “Open your fucking mouth,” he yelled.

  I shook my head no.

  Raheem forced my mouth open, ripped the condom off, and shoved his dick in my mouth. I struggled to pull my face back and push him away, but he batted my hands away with his right hand and squeezed my jaw with his left, forcing my mouth to stay open. Raheem let out a low groan through his clenched teeth, fisted his cock, and forcefully jerked himself until his cock erupted and a
stream of hot, sticky cum shot onto my face. I twisted my head to avoid getting any more of it in my mouth. Not wanting to swallow, I closed my eyes and mouth while he continued to pump his dick and finish cumming all over my face. Most of the cum was around my mouth, but some got in my hair and on my chest. I almost threw up, but I managed to grab tissues from the box on the nightstand to spit the warm cum into. I wiped off my face and hair and then threw the tissues in the garbage bin next to the bed. I had never felt so disrespected.

  “Turn that ass around and give me some more of that sweet pussy,” Raheem yelled, shoving me back down on the bed.

  He fucked me raw without a condom throughout the night. I let him have his way with me. When he finally collapsed, exhausted, on the bed, I turned away and pulled the covers over myself, feeling ashamed, used, and humiliated. I curled up in the fetal position and cried myself to sleep.

  * * *

  The next morning, I woke up to find Raheem in my bedroom, closing one of Chris’s dresser drawers.

  “What are you doing?” I asked, squinting in the early morning light. My head was pounding, and my throat was dry.

  “I can’t find my socks. I was going to take a pair of your punk-ass husband’s.”

  I looked around the room as it dawned on me that we had fucked in my house . . . in my bed.

  “What’s wrong?” Raheem smirked.

  “What do you mean, what’s wrong? I can tell by the smug-ass expression on your face that you know exactly what’s wrong. Why the fuck did you bring me here?”

  “I asked you if you wanted me to take you home, and you said yes. I looked at the address on your driver’s license, plugged it into my GPS, and took you home. You handed me the keys to your door, so I thought everything was cool and you were inviting me in.”

  “You know damn well I was drunk. Why the fuck would you do that? You know I don’t do shit in my house. I would never sleep with you in the same bed that Chris and I share.”

  Raheem shrugged. “Oops. My bad,” he said, chuckling.

  I covered my face with my hands and shook my head. I wanted to hide under the covers and pretend none of this shit was real. “Oh my God! This can’t be happening right now,” I moaned.

  “Who was that old guy watching TV on your couch last night?” Raheem asked.