Say You Want Me

by Van Mol, Stefanie

  “You knew from the start?”

  Again, I nod silently.

  “Why did you wait for so long to tell me?”

  Even though I told him who I am, he still doesn’t know the real reason why I’m here. And I’m not planning on telling him now. I didn’t expect seeing him would have this much of an effect on me. As soon as I literally fell into his arms at the concert, he turned my world upside down. I fell for him, hard. I fought it with every fiber of my body, but it’s no use. The feelings I had for him never went away, they just came rushing back the moment I saw him.

  “I didn’t expect to feel the way I feel around you,” I sigh. “Ever since the day you left, I can’t stop thinking about that kiss you gave me before you left.”

  His pupils dilate; he probably forgot all about the kiss. God knows how many women he’s kissed in the meantime, or what kind of sexual escapades he’s had since he became famous. But that kiss is by far the most romantic moment of my life.

  “Of course I remember that kiss.” His eyes look at me intently. “How could I have forgotten about it?”

  A faint smile appears around his lips. He knows! Jonathan remembers who I am, and more importantly: he still remembers our kiss. The kiss he gave me on the day his life changed so radically. He seems to be lost in thought, but still he continues.

  “The memory of that kiss helped me through some difficult times over the years. Instead of thinking back to the other events of that dreadful day, I always thought of that moment.”

  I put my hand on his and squeeze it. I’m glad the kiss helped him through hard times.

  “Maybe I should give you some space, to process all of this. If you want to see me again, you know where to find me.”

  I take a piece of paper out of my handbag, write down my phone number, and give it to him. Because I can’t resist the temptation, I slowly lean over and press a soft kiss on his cheek.

  “Goodbye, Jonathan.”

  After those last words, I open the door of the car, jump out, and rush inside. Once I’m upstairs, I immediately go to my room. I throw my bag on the floor and don’t even bother to change into something more comfortable. I drop down on the bed. My thoughts spin madly inside my mind, and all of a sudden I’m not so sure telling him was such a good idea. What if he never wants to see me again?

  I can hear my cellphone beep in my bag. Even though I’m tired, I want to see who sent me a message. Maybe it’s him…

  Jonathan: Maybe I don’t remember correctly, but didn’t you used to have blonde hair?

  I laugh at his comment. After all these years, that’s what he wants to know?

  Me: You’re not mistaken, I was definitely a blonde. Is that the only thing you remember?

  Jonathan: I remember everything about you, Camille. I never forgot about you.

  The warmth of his words spreads through my veins. He never forgot about me? I never thought, in a million years, that he’d remember our moment. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, but for now I’m glad he’s back in my life. I don’t want to lose him ever again. So I can only hope that he’ll understands why I’m here when the time comes.

  I’m so exhausted that I fall asleep almost immediately. When I close my eyes, I dream about that day so long ago. But instead of the young Camille, it’s me sitting there on the bench. And the little teenage boy is most certainly no longer little. He’s grown up to into a fine young man.

  Jonathan

  Why on earth didn’t I figure it out myself? I could kick myself for this. Of course it’s her. Just her name should have given me enough of a clue. I had my doubts when I first heard her name, since it’s not such a common name, so I should have just asked her about it. It would have saved us a lot of time.

  When she told me who she was yesterday, I had no idea how to react. I don’t know how long I just sat there, but I couldn’t move. How I managed to drive home is a mystery. I can barely remember anything after those words left her mouth.

  Today we don’t have to play. We can enjoy a break. Which is why I’m the only member of the band who’s already awake so early. All the others are still in bed. I’ve been sitting at the breakfast table for a while by the time John comes down.

  “You’re awake bright and early. That’s not like you,” is all he says.

  I look up and see him standing next to me with a plate full of eggs and bacon. I made a plate of food myself, but the eggs are cold by now. After everything that happened yesterday, my appetite has left the building. When John sees the look on my face, he looks at me, clearly wondering what’s wrong.

  “Everything okay?”

  How am I going to answer that question?

  Camille’s confession of her true identity has turned my life upside down. Goddammit, she’s the only one I regretted leaving behind. I can still see her bright blue eyes looking up at me on that day. Fuck. I still can’t believe she was willing to leave everything and everyone behind just to follow me. I always swore that when I saw her again, I wouldn’t let her go. So what am I so afraid of? If I can make Camille stay with me, I’ll have everything I’ve ever wanted.

  “Earth to Jonathan.”

  John waves his hand in front of my eyes and pulls me from my reverie. John and I have always been close friends. It wouldn’t be a bad thing to confide in him.

  “Can I ask you something personal?”

  John arches his eyebrow at me. “Since when do you ask permission for that?”

  I laugh, happy that John can make light of the situation. He must sense my internal struggle. That’s why I love this guy. He’s always there for me and he doesn’t judge.

  “You remember the story about my parents?” He nods slowly, and I quickly go on before I change my mind. “Well, yesterday a part of that history reappeared in my life.”

  “Shit. Your dad came to visit you?”

  I wish it was just that. It would have been much easier to deal with than seeing Camille again. If my father was standing before me some day, I wouldn’t hesitate to tell him that I don’t want anything to do with him anymore. He made me choose, and I’m still happy with the choice I made. That’ll never change.

  “Did I ever tell you about the girl who lived next door?”

  His eyes start to sparkle. Of course he remembers that part of the story. “Absolutely, that girl you kissed right before you left—what was her name again? I think it was Camille.” He pauses for a moment, then frowns. “Wait, doesn’t Mike’s girl have a friend with that name?”

  When he sees the look on my face, he realizes he’s hit the nail on the head. “Holy hell, what are the odds?”

  Indeed, what are the odds?

  “What are you going to do now?”

  Isn’t that the million-dollar question? Of course I want her back in my life. From the moment she fell into my arms at the concert I’ve wanted her – I’ve felt that pull toward her. But I’m not the same Jonathan I was back then, and she surely isn’t the Camille she was before. I have so many questions. Like, does she still live next door to my parents? She probably still sees them regularly, and my brother. Do I want to hear stories about them? Or is it easier to ignore their existence, like I’ve done in the past years?

  “I don’t know. On the one hand I’d love to see her again, but on the other hand I think it’s better to leave the past be.”

  Silence hangs between us. Did I really expect John to give me the answer? No one can make that kind of decision for me; it’s something I will have to do on my own. But John wouldn’t be John if he didn’t manage to surprise me by saying, “What have you got to lose?”

  I hadn’t looked at it that way yet. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? That the past drives us apart once again? It’s not about what I stand to lose – it’s about what’s in it for me. What can I win? I could win Camille back. The only one that got away. I get up and start making my way toward the exit.

  “Thanks, man,” I yell at John over my shoulder before I leave the
dining room and head for the elevator. I can’t get to my room fast enough.

  I pick up my cellphone and decide to text Camille.

  Me: Would you like to spend the day with me?

  Camille: I didn’t expect to hear from you so soon. I understand if you need more time.

  Me: I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t mean it.

  Camille: What did you have in mind?

  Me: That’s a surprise. Do you trust me?

  I hold my breath, knowing how important that answer is to me.

  Camille: Yes, can you pick me up?

  Relief fills me, and I know I won’t regret reaching out to her.

  Me: I’ll be there in an hour.

  She trusts me.

  After all these years and after the way things ended between us, she still trust me. I know we’ve both grown up, but apparently that hasn’t changed. Suddenly I feel very nervous. Was this such a good idea?

  I remember what I had planned for today. It’s a tradition I’ve been carrying on for years, and I don’t plan on changing that tradition. So Camille will just have to come with me. I hope she hasn’t changed, because if she’s still the same inside I’m sure she’ll love what we’re about to do today.

  Camille

  The idea of spending the day with Jonathan does more to me than I’m willing to admit. I try to ignore the warm feeling I have in my stomach. I rush to the bathroom and try to get ready. What should I wear? I sigh heavily; since when do I have a clue about fashion? Or since when do I care what somebody thinks about what I’m wearing? I never put much thought into it, but – I’m going out with Jonathan! A rock star who’s used to dating top models. So I don’t want to disappoint him. After the fifth outfit, I still haven’t got a clue what to wear, so there’s no other way out than to ask for help.

  “Karen?” I yell down the hall.

  Only a few seconds pass by before Karen puts her head around the door.

  “Can you help me pick an outfit?” I ask. “Jonathan will be here any minute, and I don’t have a clue what to wear.”

  Karen gives me a bright smile, and I know she’s enjoying this. For years she’s wanted to have her wicked way with my wardrobe, but I never let her. She waves me over and points to her room.

  “All my clothes are in my room, you know,” I say.

  This time Karen’s eyes sparkle when she looks at me. “I think it’s pretty clear we’re not going to find the perfect outfit in your room,” she says cheerfully. “But don’t worry, I’ll lend you some of my clothes.”

  I follow her to her room and sit down on the bed. She shows me dress after dress after dress, but I don’t have a single idea which one’s best. Finally Karen decides on a simple navy A-line dress. She lends me a pair of earrings to complete the outfit. I put on a pair of white sandals and go to the kitchen.

  I’m a bit taken aback when I see Mike standing next to the kitchen table with the newspaper open on the sports section.

  “Did you stay over last night?” I ask him, surprised.

  It’s a pretty stupid question to ask. It’s only ten o’clock in the morning and he’s standing here in our apartment, almost naked. Of course he stayed the night, Camille!

  He looks at me from behind the newspaper. “Do you have a problem with that?”

  I cross my arms in front of my chest and give him a pointed look.

  “Listen, Mike, the only thing I want is for Karen not to get hurt.”

  “I don’t want to hurt her.”

  “That’s all I need to know. Karen is a big girl, and I’m sure she can take care of herself. She doesn’t need me to do that.”

  He smiles at me, and I hope the two of them can be honest with each other. Because if they really think this is still just a fling, then obviously the two of them are blind. Everybody can see what’s going on, so I just hope they will find out on their own.

  * * *

  Jonathan didn’t lie. Almost exactly an hour later, I see him driving his sports car into the parking lot in front of our apartment building. I’m already waiting for him in the hallway downstairs, but I don’t go outside just yet. I admire him from behind the window in the door. He looks as fine as I remember. He’s wearing dark, baggy jeans that hang loosely on his hips, blue sneakers, and a tight white T-shirt that shows off the tattoos on his arms. The T-shirt he’s wearing has short sleeves, so I can see all of the amazing tattoos he has on his upper arms. I was never the type of girl to drool over tattooed guys, but on him they just fit. They form an impressive pattern of tribal and other, more obscure symbols. A mystery, just like him.

  He’s wearing a black baseball cap on his brown hair, and on his nose he has big, black sunglasses so I can barely see his face.

  I open the door just before he rings the bell. He smiles instantly when he meets my eye.

  “Ready for your adventure, princess?” He takes a bow and points to his car. “Your carriage awaits.”

  I giggle like a little girl. Not just because of what he’s saying, but he used to call me princess all the time. Does he still remember that, or is it just a coincidence? Maybe it’s time I think less and just go with the flow. I have to enjoy the time I’m spending with Jonathan, because once he finds out why I’m really here, he might not be so eager to see me anymore.

  If someone had told me a few months ago I was going to spend a full day with Jonathan, I’d have laughed in their faces. And yet, here I am, only a few feet away from the guy who has always been on my mind ever since he left.

  We walk to his car together and, like a true gentleman, he holds the door open for me. Even as a little kid he was always so nice to me, and I see that is something that hasn’t changed. I feared things would be awkward between us, now that he knows about me, but it doesn’t feel that way.

  We drive for a while, but I still don’t have a clue where we’re going.

  “Where are you taking me?” I ask, curious.

  He smiles but still doesn’t give me anything.

  Well, I guess I just have to wait and see.

  * * *

  Half an hour later we arrive at a big shopping mall. My gaze wanders to Jonathan. Does he want to go shopping? I’m pretty sure he isn’t the kind of guy to be into that.

  “What are we doing here?”

  He parks the car, shuts off the engine, and takes off his sunglasses. His green eyes look at me, and I can see the twinkle in them.

  “I thought you trusted me?”

  I blush from ear to ear.

  “Of course I trust you, I wouldn’t have gotten in the car if I didn’t.”

  “Then stop asking questions and just follow me.”

  We get out of the car, and to my surprise Jonathan takes my hand and pulls me toward the entrance. As soon as we enter, a few fans recognize him and run toward him. I look at him from a distance and see how he takes the time to talk to them patiently. He signs a few autographs and even agrees to take a selfie with them.

  I can see it in his eyes; he loves this. He lives for his fans. He breathes and lives through his music. You can see it in everything he does. I think it’s great for him that he does something he obviously loves.

  “I’m sorry ladies, but I should be on my way. I’m expected somewhere.”

  He waves one last time and takes my hand in his again. Here and there, lights flash from a few cameras and some cellphones. We take the escalator to the first floor and arrive at a music store. He takes me all the way to the back of the store, and I see a group of about fifteen little boys standing there. They all start to smile as soon as they see Jonathan walking toward them.

  “Sticks, can I have your autograph?” asks a young boy. I guess he’s about eight years old. He looks up at Jonathan with his innocent, blue eyes.

  Jonathan releases my hand and gets down on one knee, so he’s eye to eye with the little kid.

  “Of course, big guy. What’s your name?”

  “Daniel.”

  The boy beams at Jonathan while he writes an autograph on
the T-shirt the kid is wearing. He makes his way through the whole group and takes his time for every single child. A girl who works at the shop comes over and stands next to me. She has the biggest smile on her face while she looks at the kids.

  “Hi, my name’s Amber. My husband and I run this store.”

  I shake her hand. “I’m Camille, a friend of Jonathan’s.”

  She looks me up and down, then looks back over to the group. “This is the third year he’s come over here. We’re so happy he’s willing to do this. He’s amazing with the kids.”

  “And what is it exactly that he’s doing here?”

  I hope she’ll finally give me some details on what’s going on.

  “He didn’t tell you?” Amber asks, shocked. “Every year we organize drumming lessons for children from poor families. Jonathan comes here every year to teach them and to spend the day with them.”

  Oh my God! Who would have thought a guy like Jonathan has such a big heart? I didn’t expect that this was how we were going to spend the day, but you won’t hear me complaining; I love it that he has his heart in the right place. I slip my hand over my wildly beating heart and try to calm it down a little. Then I look at Jonathan and see his eyes shining brightly. It’s obvious that the kids aren’t the only ones who are enjoying this day. He tries to share his love and passion for music with the kids. He tells them funny stories about the band, or about how he learned to be a drummer. They hang on his every word. Jonathan has the brightest smile on his face, and a warm feeling flows through me. Could it be that the sweet little boy who used to live next door to me is still hiding underneath his tough, tattooed exterior? He may try to hide it from the world, but I get more glimpses of that guy the longer I’m around him. I start to see he’s still the same guy after all.