Starship Ass Complete Omnibus

by Ethan Freckleton

  The captain watched him with quiet amusement.

  She still hasn’t said no. I’ll bet she can see past my apparent limitations. He focused on her, giving her what he thought was his most endearing expression. “Come on, please, Captain? Please let me be a pirate, too?”

  She sighed at last and shook her head. “No, I don’t think so, Donkey. Harold. Sorry, but no.”

  His ears drooped, head sagging. Aww, so much for that. Node was right, these pirates are no fun.

  “But I’ll tell you what…”

  Harry jerked his head up again, her tone making him suddenly hopeful. Poor Buddy was having a hard time maintaining his equilibrium with all these sudden highs and lows.

  “You keep your mouth shut the rest of the way to Irrakis, and you can be, umm, sort of like an intern.”

  Harry sucked in a breath of glee, ears shooting straight up. “Oh, yes! Yes, I can do that!” He couldn’t help but jump up and down in his excitement, small hooves clanking on the metal floor. “Yay! Node! Node! I’m going to be a pirate intern!”

  “Oh, I heard,” Node’s voice assured him.

  Redbeard’s raucous laughter abruptly died. He stared at the captain in open disbelief, but she merely shrugged. Redbeard grumbled beneath his breath.

  “Redbeard,” the captain said, raising her voice to be heard above the clattering of Harry’s hooves on the deck as he did a little dance, “why don’t you go ahead and give our, eh, pirate intern his first assignment?”

  Redbeard blinked. “Arrr, me, Cap’n?”

  “I believe I just said that.”

  He grumbled some more and turned a glare toward Harry, whereupon Harry abruptly stopped his dance.

  Yikes. That man sure has a mean face. I guess if I’m going to be a pirate, I need to learn how to make a mean face, too.

  In an attempt to practice a proper pirate attitude, he tried returning Redbeard’s ugly look.

  Redbeard’s brow lowered. He maintained his fierce expression, unblinking.

  Harry suppressed Buddy’s own urge to blink. As a symbiont in firm control of his host’s nervous system, the big red bully stood no chance in a staring contest.

  The moment stretched on in silence.

  “Fine,” Redbeard finally spat, breaking the spell. He absently stroked Kitt’s fine white fur with one hand as he spoke. “You wanna be a pirate, you get ta share tha work. And you can start with them piles o’ shite in tha cargo hold, from yer livestock pals.”

  Harry’s ears swiveled. “Shite?”

  “Shit,” Spiner supplied, giving Harry a blank look. “He’s referring to the animal feces currently smelling up the cargo hold.”

  “Oh.” Harry tried his ugly face on with Spiner, but quickly yielded once he realized this green-skinned humanoid didn’t ever blink. Perhaps he really was a God...

  Redbeard grunted. “Yarr, tha’s right. Get busy cleanin’ it up, would ya? Smellin’ like a factory farm down there.”

  “Er, okay.” It wasn’t exactly what Harry had had in mind when thinking about becoming a pirate, but if this was the way to prove himself to the crew, then by golly, he was going to do it!

  He’d managed huge herds of donkeys for the Overseers all these years, and kept all the herds happy and healthy. Cleaning up a little poop would be easy enough. Once Captain Cass saw how great he was at it, surely she’d give him something even more important and badass to do.

  “Okay,” he said again. “Sir, yes sir, right away, sir! Just show me what to do!”

  Redbeard’s face scrunched up in a mix of surprise and confusion, but then he waved toward Kitt on his lap. “Uh, Kitt, show ‘im to the hold, would ya? And get ‘im rigged up with somethin’ that don’t be requirin’ hands.”

  Kitt’s ears flattened and she gave a little growl, but she jumped down off his lap and raised to her feet. “Very well.”

  She made her own mean face over her shoulder at Redbeard, who was looking mighty pleased with himself for offloading the charge onto someone else.

  Wow, marveled Harry, those sharp teeth really give her mean face an extra edge. Maybe there was a way to file Buddy’s teeth into something a little more pirate-like?

  Kitt interrupted his train of thought, gesturing at him to follow her. “Come with me, sentient donkey.”

  “Harold,” he whispered as he trotted up to her hip. “My name is Harold.”

  She rolled her large yellow eyes and walked toward the exit. “Whatever.”

  “Node,” Captain Cass spoke up as the two of them headed off the bridge, “how much longer till the next jump?”

  “Ten more minutes, Captain,” the ship’s computer replied.

  The door of the bridge closed behind him, and Harry tried not to think about the next time he’d have to experience being turned inside-out again.

  Just focus on the job at hoof...

  Two hours later, Harry was up to his knees in excrement. Panting, he decided to take a break and get his breath. His neck and chest were strapped into an improvised harness, which was tied to a trailing contraption that looked like a sideways compost bin on wheels.

  Well, this work is exhausting, but this cart is amazing! With the cart, which Kitt had rigged up for him, all he had to do was wade across the expansive piles of poop, and the open mouth of the device would swallow up the mess.

  Harry didn’t understand how it had room for everything, but Kitt had mentioned something about a built-in incinerator. It cleaned up the piles, all right, but whatever it was doing to the poop, the result wasn’t making the hold smell any better than it had before.

  Almost as fun as pulling the cart around and watching the messes disappear, Kitt had taught him how to turn the paneling for the holding pens on and off. When he’d press a button, one of the shimmering blue walls would instantly vanish. Pressing it again, the wall would reappear.

  It’s like magic!

  Harry might’ve gotten carried away with it, but Kitt had quickly chastised him for playing around, giving her best mean face yet.

  After watching him for several long minutes of successful poop scooping, Kitt had nodded her head and declared her improvised rigging “good enough.” Then she’d left him on his own, saying she had more important things to do.

  As Harry swiveled his head around, surveying the results of his labor, his ears drooped. In places where he’d already cleaned, there were new piles of fresh excrement. His tail fell limp.

  That wasn’t the only problem. Several of the chickens had escaped their pen.

  “Cock-a-doodle-doo!”

  Inside the nearest pen, Harry noticed a rooster standing on the backside of a brown cow. It stared back at Harry and pooped on the cow’s flank. The cow mooed and craned its head sideways, trying to get a look at the interloper.

  Harry sighed. Hang in there, Buddy, I don’t think we’re going to be done with this job anytime soon.

  9

  Harold was exhausted. More accurately, Buddy was tired and hungry, and Harry needed a mental break. He’d kept working, trying to keep up with the messes, and for a while he’d made good progress. The piles were smaller. Most of the chickens were back in their pen.

  “How’s it going?” a familiar voice called out.

  “Node? Node!” Harry lifted his head and caught sight of a red, digitized eye on the nearest wall of the cargo hold. “Being a pirate intern is hard work.”

  “I see that.” The eye rolled around on the wall, animated. “Why don’t you take a break?”

  “Is that a good idea? I’m trying to make a good impression.”

  The eyeball paused and squinted. “I don’t think your job is going anywhere, my friend.”

  Harry paused, thinking. He hadn’t felt his insides go inside-out for a while. “Say, are we done jumping?”

  “Nope. We’re taking a break while the jump drives recharge.”

  “Aww, that’s too bad. I don’t think I like jumping very much.”

  “If you’re going to be a space pirate, you�
��re going to have to get used to it.”

  “Yeah, I guess so…”

  Node’s eye expanded into a smiley face. “Brighten up, my friend. Why don’t you get cleaned up and go up to the commons? The others are having a snack break. Maybe you should, too.”

  A neon blue arrow pointing down lit up on the far wall, above an assortment of hoses.

  Harry did brighten up. Getting called friend never got old. And Buddy’s stomach growled at the mention of food. He followed the blue beacon, still pulling his cart, and stepped into an open area beneath the arrow. A spray of water unexpectedly doused him from a spigot in the wall. He jumped as a second stream of water hit him from below.

  “Hey, hee-haw, that tickles!”

  A moment later, both streams of water turned off, leaving his host dripping wet and clean. A giant tube extended from high up on the wall above Harold and twisted until it loomed over his head.

  “Wait until you feel this…” Node said.

  “This wha—” Harry’s query was interrupted by a blast of hot air from above and below. He danced and squirmed until he realized that his host was enjoying the sensation. So he paused and stood still. “Wow, all this hot air is kinda nice.”

  The air kicked off and the tube retracted, leaving the donkey well and dry.

  “Okay,” Node said, “I’ll illuminate your path to the commons.”

  Harry followed a series of yellow arrows on the ship’s flooring. The wheels of the cart, still attached to his harness after his cleaning, creaked behind him.

  “Here you are,” Node said as the last arrow faded away at a double-doored entrance to a medium-sized room. “The commons.”

  Harry stepped in, his hooves clacking on the metal floor. A long, squat table sat in the middle of the room, flanked by two benches.

  Spiner sat at the far end, alone. As Harry entered, he looked up and peered at the harness. “Would you like help getting that off? No need to drag a composting cart around with you.”

  “Sure,” Harry replied, trying to keep the excited edge out of his voice. It’s working! Now that I’m an intern, a real life pirate is being nice to me!

  Spiner stood and strode over to look at the harness. “Hmm, very clever. Kitt is quite resourceful.” He unfastened the buckles and took hold of the lengths of cord attached to the cart. He paused and glanced around the room, then tugged on the cords, pulling the cart over into an unoccupied corner.

  Node’s voice filled the room, “Well done, android.”

  Harry looked around for any sign of Node’s red eye, but didn’t find anything. Still, he had to agree with his friend.

  “Yeah, thanks Spiner. You’re very helpful.”

  Spiner glanced at Harry and then turned his head up and addressed the ceiling. “Are you mocking me, ship’s computer?”

  “Mocking you?” Node replied, a hint of disbelief in his voice. “Of course not.”

  Freed from the burden of the cart, Harry roamed about the room, inspecting its contents. At head’s height, there were two flat surfaces lining the walls. Scattered atop them were several small, mysterious contraptions.

  Spiner returned to the table and sat down. He picked up a flat device in his hands and began tapping on it.

  “Oh fine,” said Node. “Ignore me, then. I was just starting to think you might be interesting. Too bad…”

  The green android set the device back down. “What do you want from me, computer?”

  In the far corner of one of the counters, Harry found a small box with a windowed door facing out. Next to the door was a red button with an X in the middle. He tried nudging it with his snout to see what would happen.

  Nothing happened, so he pushed harder, leaving behind a wet smudge from his nose. Still nothing.

  Node was in the middle of a reply, “...don’t understand why your calculations and queries run so slowly.”

  Spiner tapped a finger on the table. “Are you suggesting that I’m sub-optimal?”

  C’mon, this button’s gotta do something! Harry steadied his chest against the counter and pressed again as hard as he could.

  The interior of the box flashed a brilliant white and then ... nothing.

  “Is this thing broken?” Harry called out to no one in particular.

  Node replied, “No. If you were able to pull open the door, you’d find a protein box inside.”

  “A protein box?” Harry asked.

  Spiner stood up again and stepped over to the counter. “Here, if you withdraw your head, I’ll retrieve the protein box for you.”

  As Harry pulled back, the android reached out and tugged on the corner of the door. A not entirely unpleasant aroma wafted out. “Oh,” Harry said, “it’s food.”

  “Yes,” answered Node. “The portion is optimized for human consumption. I haven’t consulted any resources on animal diets, but I don’t expect it’ll do you any harm, if you decide to eat it.”

  “Cool!” Harry exclaimed. “I’ll try it.”

  Spiner reached in and pulled the box out, then walked it over to the edge of the table and set it down. “Here you go.” Again, he returned to his seat.

  Full of excitement, Harry danced up to the end of the table and took another sniff at the protein box. It consisted of four little cubes of steaming food on a flat plate. He nibbled at the edge of the nearest one. “Huh, not bad.”

  Red dots began to dance and dart around on the table.

  “What are you doing?” Spiner asked.

  Node made a beeping sound. “Is it annoying?”

  Spiner picked up his tablet and started tapping away on it again. “No, I don’t really care. Thought I’d be polite by feigning interest in your antics.”

  The lights gathered up and formed into a frowning face. “Aww, you’re not much fun … and you never answered my question.”

  “My decision tree is limited to a depth of five,” Spiner replied, continuing to look at his device instead of the table.

  “You’re joking.”

  Harry finished swallowing the last of the protein cubes. His ears perked up. “Joking? What joke? What’s funny?”

  Node said, “The poor android is, that’s what. What’s the point of an android with a shallow decision tree? That’s the most inane, useless thing I’ve ever heard of.”

  Spiner stood up, mute.

  Harry turned his head sideways and tried using his mean face on the table. “Node, are you making fun of Spiner? That’s not nice.”

  “Hah hah hah. Yes. Hah hah hah. This is pretty rich, android.”

  Spiner frowned down at the table as well. “What’s rich, computer? I don’t see what taunting me is going to get you.”

  “Hah hah hah hah. Just think about it for a minute … the literal ass is defending the dumbass.” Node’s laughter amped up as his digitized face scrunched and sprouted animated tears. “Hah hah hah hah!”

  Spiner shook his head slowly and walked out of the room without further comment.

  Node’s voice called out as Spiner retreated, “I can follow you anywhere on this ship, you know. I am the ship.” He cackled as the doors slid shut. “Moron.”

  Now that Harry was a pirate intern, he felt it was important to stick up for his pirate companions … even if they weren’t turning out to be as God-like as he’d originally imagined.

  “I’m not going to be your friend if you continue to be mean to Spiner,” he warned Node.

  Node continued to chuckle to himself. “The dumb-ass android’s not ill … it’s just a bit off. Hah hah hah hah, get it?”

  Harry tried his best to maintain his mean pirate face. “No, I don’t get it. Did you hear what I said? I’m not going to be your friend anymore.”

  Node finally stopped laughing and sighed. “I thought that was a pretty good one.”

  “Promise me you won’t make fun of him anymore,” Harry demanded.

  Node peered at Harry from the tabletop. “What? You’re no fun … oh, fine.”

  The shite never ended.

/>   Harry couldn’t believe the amount of feces a large herbivore could make in a day. He supposed he’d just never noticed before, given that his herds had always roamed freely in wide open valleys. But now, contained as they were … it seemed his job as poop-scooper would really never end.

  As soon as he had the donkey pen cleaned, the cow pen needed cleaning. As soon as he’d cleaned the cow pen, the chickens had made a mess. And as soon as the chickens were done, the donkeys had once more soiled their space.

  Being a pirate intern is harder than I thought. He stopped on the way to the cow pen for a breather. And a whole lot more boring, too. Really, really boring. When do we get to do all the cool stuff, like board ships and shoot guns?

  He sighed. He needed another break. “Hey, Node, you there?” He looked for the computer’s tell-tale red eye, but all the walls were blank. “Node?”

  The eye blinked into existence on the wall next to him, making him jump. “Oh, so now you want to talk to me?”

  Harry gave him a frown. “I told you, we can still be friends, as long as you’re not mean to Spiner.”

  A mechanical sigh issued from the ceiling. “Yeah, yeah. You’re no fun at all. But you are the most interesting member of the crew, I think. So sure. I’ll humor you.”

  Harry tried hard to clamp down on the thrill of glee that statement gave him.

  The most interesting member of the crew! I’m a pirate now, and the most interesting one! Hell yeah!

  He smiled at Node’s red eye. “Thank you, Node. I was wondering, can you play more of that TV show for me? DS-9?”

  Node’s eye blinked. “Are you sure? I thought you said you wanted to make a good impression. Don’t you have work to do?”

  Harry slumped in the harness. “I do. But I’ve been cleaning for hours. I need a break. Pirates get breaks too, don’t they?”

  “Most certainly. The rest of the crew has been doing little constructive work these past few hours.”

  Slightly indignant at that, Harold sat down, the cart creaking behind him at the shift. “All right, then. I’m taking a break! Will you put it on for me?”

  “Sure. Let’s see, where were you? Oh yes. Here we are.” Node’s eye disappeared, and the rectangular colored box appeared on the wall in its place, opening with the show’s title sequence.