Starship Ass Complete Omnibus

by Ethan Freckleton

  “Um, okay. Sleep well, I guess.”

  Node didn’t answer, presumably already asleep.

  Harry sighed heavily. He should have asked Node to put on more DS-9 before he’d left. Now, Harry was stuck having to clean up poop for who knew how long, and with no one else to talk to, either.

  Buddy’s stomach growled.

  Or, I could head up to the commons and get something to eat.

  It had been awhile since his last snack. And those protein cubes were pretty tasty. Better than the hay and grain provided to the livestock, anyway. And, maybe he could get one of the other pirates to unhook him from the cart again for awhile. The straps were starting to chafe.

  Mind made up, he trotted toward the bay’s exit and the corridor that led up to the commons.

  Buddy’s stomach was really growling now, and the donkey was getting rather cranky. “Don’t worry, Buddy, we’ll have some food soon!” Harry promised.

  He trotted up to the doors, but paused when he caught his name being said on the other side. Wait, are they talking about me?

  His ears perked up and he took a few steps backwards so as not to trigger the doors’ opening mechanism. He held his breath and listened, then heard his name again.

  Holy Overlords! They are. They’re talking about me!

  Excited to learn what they had to say about him, he inched a little closer, straining to make out the muffled words through the doors.

  A rough voice, clearly Redbeard: “Cap’n, I don’t see how the Effin’ Feds be trackin’ us so easy.”

  A clear, commanding female voice: “Go on. Ideas?”

  “I trust Kitt n’ Spiner. It’s gotta be somethin’ else. A tracking device. A stowaway we missed—”

  “Our scanners didn’t detect any additional lifesigns.”

  “Then it must be a device … or one of the livestock. Any come to mind?”

  Harry frowned. He could vouch for the donkeys. Maybe there was a spy amongst the chickens or the cows? How exciting, a spy!

  “Maybe we should forget about this donkey contest,” Redbeard continued, unanswered. “Space tha cargo an’ make a getaway. Start over.”

  Wait a minute, how does that help anything? Harry still wasn’t sure what spacing entailed, but coming from Redbeard, it didn’t sound pleasant.

  “I thought you were all about the big paydays? You’ve said it yourself, we’re almost out of money.” That was Captain Cass, Harry was sure of it.

  “I am,” Redbeard admitted. “Our coffers arrr runnin’ low, but we’re not equipped ta handle a run-in with tha Feds. If they’ve somehow figured where we’re going…”

  Harry heard the sound of the captain’s legs whirring as she moved. “Spiner’s already been over the ship with the scanner. There’s no reason they should know where we’re going.” She gave an amused grunt. “You know, for a big, bad pirate, you’re getting awfully jumpy.”

  It was already easy for Harry to imagine the scowl on Redbeard’s face as he replied. “Bein’ jumpy is part of tha job description. And you still ain’t given an answer ‘bout the livestock possibility.”

  There was a heavy sigh. “All right. Your concerns are noted. I’ll take them under consider—”

  “All hands on deck,” Spiner’s voice broke over the intercom, nearly making Buddy jump out of his skin, and nearly making Harry lose hold of his host. “The cloud is thinning. We should be out of it soon.”

  Oh crap! All hands on deck! Harry scrambled back away from the doors as he heard the footsteps inside approaching it.

  “Let’s get back up to the bridge,” the captain was saying.

  “Aye, arrr.”

  Harry backed around the nearest corner in the hall, heart pounding. If Redbeard suspected a spy on board, it wouldn’t look good to be caught sneaking around.

  The doors to the commons whisked open, heavy footsteps approaching. Then a hiss as they closed. A long moment later, the footsteps thumped along toward the bridge, away from Harold.

  Harry stuck his long head out around the corner and let out a breath of relief, sagging in his harness.

  That was close.

  Getting caught eavesdropping didn’t seem like the best idea for a pirate intern. But maybe he could do something to prove himself?

  Maybe I can catch the spy, if there is one!

  An exciting thought.

  What was not exciting, however, was what might happen if Redbeard had his way. They wouldn’t space us, would they, Buddy? Yet, Captain Cass had said she’d consider what he’d said. Catching the spy himself would be the best course of action, if Harry wanted to avoid whatever Redbeard had planned.

  Failing that? Buddy’s stomach turned, and Harry agreed. Being spaced didn’t sound pleasant.

  Harry thought of his herd, still penned up in the hold.

  He couldn’t let them be spaced, either. It would be a violation of his duty to the Overlords … and to the Gods themselves. Nevermind that the Gods would be the ones spacing his herd.

  If I fail the Overlords, my tribe will never take me back.

  Harry swallowed hard, appetite all but forgotten, and shuffled toward the bridge, head and heart in turmoil.

  Being a pirate intern was cool, but things were getting dangerous. The tribe wouldn’t approve of Harry letting something bad happen to the donkey herd. Maybe it was time to consider doing something safer.

  11

  Harry walked onto the bridge, his cart trailing behind him. His host’s stomach knotted up with what might’ve been hunger ... or tension.

  Just play it cool, like nothing happened.

  Kitt, standing at a station near the entryway, turned her head to peer at Harry as he entered, the irises of her eyes nothing more than tiny slits.

  Everyone else stared at the viewscreen.

  The vibrant colors of the nebula had dissipated into a fine mist. With each passing moment, the mist thinned further, until the void of space and stars surrounded the ship once again. Countless dark specks dotted the horizon.

  “We’ve left the nebula,” Spiner stated.

  Harry suppressed the instinct to run, and attempted a smile for Kitt. “How goes the pirating?”

  Kitt bared her teeth, the hairs of her tail standing tall. Harry thought he might be done for, until she suddenly turned her attention back to her station.

  “Okay, that’s cool,” he croaked, trying to sound casual. “I get it if you’re busy.”

  He practiced baring his own teeth as he studied the screen and pointedly left Kitt alone.

  The field of view ahead was filled with floating chunks of rock, many of them turning in lazy spins. The ship made several small adjustments, picking its way past the obstacles.

  “Why are there a bunch of big rocks floating around in space?” Harry asked.

  Spiner looked up from his station. “It’s an asteroid field.”

  “Oh,” Harry mumbled. That didn’t help much.

  Spiner looked back to the navigation controls just in time to narrowly avert a collision with a smaller asteroid hurtling past the viewscreen.

  “Keep yer eyes on where yer flyin’, android!” Redbeard, seated next to the captain, had both arms of his chair tightly clutched in his hands.

  The captain, by contrast, appeared to be at ease. She pointed at the screen. “What’s that over there?”

  Harry squinted, trying to follow her pointed finger to the item of interest. All he saw was a bunch of rocks.

  Oh. What’s what?

  A couple of the bigger rocks had large rectangles attached to them, held up by long poles.

  Spiner asked, “Shall I take the ship closer to investigate, Captain?”

  “Yes, please.”

  The objects grew larger in the viewscreen. Harry realized they had pictures and large lettering on them: GAS STATION AHEAD.

  “What’s a gas station?” Harry asked.

  Kitt shook her head, at which point Harry noticed her impressive-looking claws had extended again. At this moment
, they were digging into her console.

  “Arrr, we be in luck, Cap’n,” Redbeard said.

  Captain Cass nodded. “Follow the signs, Spiner. They might lead us out of this asteroid field.”

  As the first sign drew closer, Harry noticed there was an ongoing trail of more signs on the horizon, each affixed to an asteroid-rock-thingie.

  The captain swiveled to face the rear of the bridge. Her gaze flicked to Harry, causing his stomach to clench, but then she settled her attention on Kitt. “Is the ship’s computer back online?”

  Kitt tapped at the console. “I’m not sure.”

  “You could just ask me, you know,” said a familiar voice.

  Harry turned his head toward the ceiling. “Did you have a good nap, Node?” he asked.

  Node didn’t reply to that.

  Redbeard muttered, “Damn computers.”

  The captain’s brow lifted as she kept her gaze locked onto Kitt. “Status report on the rest of the systems?”

  “All systems nominal,” Kitt replied.

  Redbeard turned to look back for the first time. His eyes widened as soon as he caught sight of Harry … or, to be more accurate, his composting cart.

  He practically shouted. “Arrr, blimey, someone get tha’ shite cart off the deck!”

  Kitt’s claws slid off the console, producing a rather unpleasant sound as she stepped away and turned to Harry.

  He gulped as she advanced on him. “Uhh, nice kitty,” he squeaked.

  The blacks of her eyes widened into saucers as she reached out toward his neck, her claws extended like daggers.

  Harry squeezed his eyes shut, trembling. Moments later, he was still alive, and free from his harness.

  Redbeard was practically shouting again. “Arrr, gross! The arse went an’ piddled on the floor.”

  Harry opened his eyes and hung his head down to get a look between his legs. Sure enough… “Oops.”

  Kitt grabbed a towel from the cart and glared at Harry. “Step away,” she said with a growl.

  They sure are upset at me. Only then did he realize that, unlike his donkey companions, his pirate companions didn’t appear to utilize bodily functions in the same way.

  Where does their food go after they eat? He made a mental note to ask about it later, maybe when the crew looked less murderous.

  “Sorry!” Harry hoofed it forward, his ears turned out to the sides.

  As Kitt mopped up his mess and wheeled the cart off the bridge, still looking furious, the captain swiveled back to face the viewscreen. “Computer, it’s good to have you back. I assume you can figure out where we are and where to jump next?”

  “Of course. Although, I might advise you to refuel first. The ship is running low.”

  Redbeard angrily pushed the floor with his feet, causing his chair to go into an impressive spin. Harry got dizzy trying to watch. Finally, the chair came to a rest. “Any reason ya didn’t think to tell us this sooner?” His voice was a low rumble.

  A red smiley face winked into view on the screen. “You didn’t ask. And anyway, why do you think I brought us here in the first place? You think it’s coincidence there just happens to be a gas station nearby at the exact time we need fuel?”

  Redbeard’s face turned several shades redder itself, contorting into his most impressive mean face yet. “Why you—”

  The captain held a hand out. “That’s enough, Red. How many more jumps can we make without refueling?”

  “Two, at best,” Node replied, blinking back out of view. “And there are no other gas stations available within that radius.”

  “Fine. When we get to the gas station, we’ll refuel. Any signs of military vessels in the system?”

  “Nothing within range,” Node said.

  Spiner inserted himself back into the conversation. “Where’s the gas station?”

  Captain Cass started to swivel, but stopped when Node started to laugh.

  “Hah hah, seriously?” he asked.

  “Node, what did I tell you about being mean to my friends?” Harry stepped up to Spiner and nuzzled into his leg. “He doesn’t mean it, I promise,” he said to the android.

  Node made a coughing noise. “If the android is unable to deduce the location from the signs, I’m happy to take over navigation.”

  “I can too deduce the location,” yelled Spiner, his seemingly impenetrable demeanor cracking. “I’m not an idiot.”

  “Id-i-ot, noun, informal,” Node intoned. “Meaning a stupid person. Origin, Middle English, denoting a person of low intelligence. Shall I continue?”

  Redbeard made a sudden gasping sound, drawing the attention of everyone on the bridge. His lips quivered, then he exploded in a fit of hysterical laughter. “Harr harr harr! He’s got the measure of ye, mate!”

  Kitt stepped back onto the bridge, the door hissing shut behind her. Her ears lifted as her gaze darted back and forth between them all. “What’s going on in here?”

  “They’re being mean to my friend,” Harry said, sending his best glare toward Redbeard. “Friends aren’t mean to their friends, not unless they’re a bunch of mean-hearted—”

  “That’s enough!” Captain Cass’s icy voice cut through the ruckus.

  That caught everyone’s attention. The room went dead quiet, right up until Redbeard unmistakably passed gas, creating a thunderous echo on the bridge.

  As intimidated as Harry was by the Captain’s icy glare, he couldn’t help but giggle. Not because the big man had farted, but because of the expression on his face, halfway between stunned silence and obvious self-satisfaction.

  Captain Cass doubled down on her glare, directing it at Redbeard.

  Kitt sniffed the air, her open mouth curling into a sour expression. “By the gods, that smells. Permission to leave the bridge?”

  Instead of glaring at Kitt, as Harry expected her to, the captain slumped in her seat and buried her face in her palms with an audible groan.

  Spiner picked that moment to say, “Can I drive, Captain?”

  Captain Cass pulled herself up from her chair, her shoulders sagging. She made to leave the bridge, not making eye contact with anybody, but she paused at the doors as they slid open. “Red, you have the bridge. I don’t care who drives.”

  Harry debated asking if he could give it a try, but the captain stepped out of view before he could get the question out. And he wasn’t about to ask Redbeard.

  Another time, then.

  “Right,” said Redbeard, straightening in his chair. “Let’s get on with it, shall we? Spiner, you can drive so long as yer up to it.”

  “I can handle it,” replied Spiner stiffly.

  Node’s laughter filled the air.

  “Stow it,” Redbeard ordered, his eyes glinting under bushy eyebrows. “We got a serious pirate operation ta run here.”

  The gas station was the most impressive thing (on a growing list) Harold had ever seen. Being a space pirate intern was turning out to be an eye-opening experience, to say the least.

  It wasn’t just the gas station that was impressive. It was the entire setting. Space. Countless stars. The giant rock—asteroid, he amended to himself—was jagged and full of jutted outcroppings.

  The gas station itself, enclosed beneath a protective bubble, sat inside what Spiner had told him was an “impact crater.” Harry had accepted the explanation without further questioning, too awed by the sights to spend time contemplating such details. The station comprised a handful of docks for small- and medium-sized vessels. The central structure was bright yellow and orange, and looked like a set of three more bubbles resting on top of the asteroid’s surface. Only these bubbles weren’t see-through. The paint was still vivid, but had been scratched off in some places. Harry wondered how that had happened.

  Towering over the station was another rectangular sign that read, SPACEWAY FUELING CENTER. Under that sign was a second sign: DILLBILLY’S GENERAL STORE.

  “What’s a store?” Harry asked.

  Redbeard si
ghed. “Do you ever stop askin’ questions, donkey?” He rolled his eyes. “No, don’t answer that.”

  Harry supposed he’d be finding out the answer soon enough. The SS Bray was in a holding pattern just outside the outer, see-through bubble. There weren’t any other ships around, but the voice on the comms had instructed them to “sit tight” while he “dropped off the kids.”

  Maybe I’ll get to meet the kids! Harry liked baby goats.

  A hissing sound, followed by whirring thumps, caught Harry’s attention. Captain Cass stepped back onto the bridge, looking more or less fully composed.

  Curled up protectively at Spiner’s feet, he felt a jolt of excitement. “Captain Dax, you’re back!”

  She quirked an eyebrow in his direction and gave a shake of her head before returning to the captain’s chair.

  He smiled as he watched her, and she seemed to be feeling her normal calm-and-in-control self again. If he was lucky, he reminded himself, he might get to ride her someday.

  Spiner leaned down and whispered, “That isn’t Dax.”

  Harry replied in less-than-a-whisper. “Oh, I know. Dax is a kickass character on Deep Space Nine.”

  “What’s that?”

  Harry rolled his eyes. “Only the best thing ever. I mean, besides space pirates.”

  A loud, drawling voice suddenly filled the comms. “SS Bray? Y’all still there?”

  Captain Cass pushed a button on the arm of her chair. “Affirmative. This is the SS Bray.”

  There was a pause, then the voice came across softer, almost purring. “Ohhh, who’s this then? You got a purty voice.”

  Captain Cass gave Redbeard a sideways look. He winked back.

  She pressed the button again, her voice much more stern this time. “This is Captain Cass. Do we have permission to dock?”

  “Captain Cass, is it? Alrighty, then. I’m Dillbilly. Welcome to Spaceway. Come on down, any dock y’all take a fancy to.”

  On the viewscreen, a circular section of the protective bubble withdrew upon itself, creating an opening large enough for a spaceship to pass through.

  “Shall I take us in, Captain?” Spiner asked.

  “Affirmative.” The captain turned toward Redbeard. “Do we even have enough credits to get fuel and resupply the ship?”