Starship Ass Complete Omnibus

by Ethan Freckleton

  For a moment, Harry forgot his dread and depression, head lifting as he picked out the shapes of other donkeys in the wall paintings. They all looked very happy, frolicking and dancing across verdant green fields.

  Hey, that kind of looks like Cern!

  In the midst of them all looked to be a young man. He rode a donkey also, and his hands were outstretched towards the others dancing around him. Light seemed to stream from his palms and the top of his head, and eventually those painted lines turned into other things. Trees and plants and all kinds of other animals. Even some other humans.

  Harry gawked. “Hey, who’s that?” he asked. “He looks pretty cool. And it looks like he really likes donkeys!”

  “He does,” the grand marshal stated mildly. “You will get to meet him soon enough.”

  “Wow, really?”

  Some of Harry’s concern faded. Maybe this final ceremony wouldn’t be so bad, after all. Those painted donkeys sure looked happy.

  “Step up here, if you would,” the marshal instructed, gesturing to the largest slab.

  Harry did so, still staring around at the painting.

  He did not notice the mysterious dark stains that marred the stone beneath his hooves, nor the carefully carved groove around the edge of the slab and finely decorated clay bowl positioned beneath the groove’s spill point.

  The entourage that had accompanied him surrounded him once more, taking their places along the edge of the stone block.

  The grand marshal stood near Harry’s head. “Now, lay down, with your head there.”

  Harry glanced down at the spot where the marshal pointed, but hesitated. “That doesn’t look very comfortable.”

  “Do it.” The grand marshal reached inside his robes and pulled out a long, jagged blade.

  “Uh,” Harry said, gulping as he settled onto the slab, then rolled over onto his side. “What’s that for?”

  24

  Captain Cass and her crew climbed out of the truck, already exhausted from the effort of driving through the crowded streets of Irrakeen.

  No one had bothered to move when Captain Cass had laid on the horn, but the locals had been more responsive to the angry ravings of Redbeard, who’d leaned out of the passenger window, snarling and salivating like a madman.

  The docks were quiet. In fact, the SS Bray was the only ship left. A lone figure emerged from one of the squat buildings that served as an operations center.

  Unlike the rest of the locals, this man wore a simple jumpsuit with a large utility belt. Several of the items looked innocuous enough, except for a current generation wide-arc laser pistol and stun stick. As he approached the group, he held his hands at his hips. “Are you the crew of this ship?” he asked, tilting his head in the direction of the SS Bray.

  Redbeard stepped up alongside the captain and set his feet wide, scowling as he folded his arms across his chest. “Who be askin’?”

  Cass glanced to Redbeard, but decided to let the moment play out. If she needed to act quickly, better to let her second-in-command provide a distraction.

  The man in the jumpsuit stood his ground. If he was intimidated by Redbeard’s act, he didn’t show it.

  A professional, then.

  “I’m Inspector Mufatish. Will you do me the courtesy of identifying yourselves, or shall I assume that you are the wanted criminal known as Redbeard?” He nodded to the ginger giant, then flicked his gaze to Captain Cass. “And you, the declared captain of this vessel?” He ignored Kitt and Spiner, standing a few paces behind her.

  “Arrr, a wanted criminal?” Redbeard started.

  Cass cut him off, staring back at the inspector. “What you should be concerning yourself with instead is the thief who stole our winnings.”

  Mufatish hardly blinked. “A thief, you say? Well, there was a man here a few minutes ago. As you can see, he’s no longer on this planet … and no longer my concern. You, however…”

  Several figures stepped into view then, out of the shadows, each of them holding long rifles.

  “Hey,” Harry tried again. The marshal was ignoring him. “You’re not going to cut me with that, are you? I’ve never been cut before. I’m afraid.”

  The grand marshal waved his blade in the air over his head, chanting. “Lord of the Light, we call upon you on this, the One-hundred-sixtieth anniversary of your ascension to The Golden Fields.”

  “The Golden Fields? Lord of the Light? You don’t mean my homeworld, Cern, do you? Because my friends have a ship. We could take you there, if you like. Seriously. There’s no need for a ceremony. You can just ask for a ride.”

  The grand marshal paused and frowned down at Harry. “There is only one way to access The Golden Fields … and that is via sacrifice.”

  Harry chewed on his lip, thinking. “Oh, that must be inconvenient, then.”

  Droplets of blood from the grand marshal’s wrist plopped onto the surface next to Harry’s ear.

  “Wait, no, no no! What are you doing? Are you okay?” Harry asked, feeling more than a little faint at the sight of blood. “That had to hurt.”

  The grand marshal swapped the dagger over to his other hand, and repeated the process on his other wrist.

  “No, please don’t—” Harry began, hearing the rush of his own blood in his ears, his heart pounding. More droplets of blood fell from the space above his head, landing with a sickening pitter-patter against the stone.

  Harry promptly passed out.

  “This doesn’t have to come to violence,” Captain Cass said, trying to keep her voice level even as she felt her heartbeat elevating in her chest. How long had it been since she’d been in an even fight?

  Mufatish looked smug as the figures drew closer, standing in a loose semi-circle around the pirate crew.

  Cass ran some quick mental calculations. If they moved quickly, they could probably avoid the first round of fire. It was good that they’d left their own rifles behind, and only carried their sidearms. Quicker on the draw, and more accurate at this range.

  “You’re right,” Mufatish replied. “It doesn’t. You can lay down your arms and put your hands over your heads.”

  Cass heard Kitt mewl softly. Of all of her crew, Kitt would be the most likely to draw first blood.

  “Captain, I calculate our odds of escaping this encounter without injury at one-to-five,” Spiner said, his voice flat of emotion.

  Spiner wasn’t much of one for joking, but Cass couldn’t help but appreciate the irony of the statement. After all, he’d never specified who might escape the encounter without injury.

  Mufatish lifted an eyebrow. “See, this will go better if you do as I say.”

  “Pah,” Redbeard spat. “We’ve seen worse odds, ‘aven’t we, Cap’n?”

  Well, that much was certain.

  The chanting continued, penetrating Harry’s subconscious as he drifted in and out of a dream-like state. He was back home with Buddy, roaming the green grassy fields of Cern with the rest of the donkey herd.

  “Who would’ve thought the Gods could be so cruel, Buddy?” Harry mused, as his host trotted behind a cluster of jennies. “And bloody.”

  Buddy ignored his symbiont tag-along, consumed with a more basic desire to catch up with one of the females who was starting to fall behind the others.

  “We shouldn’t have let ourselves be separated from our friends.” Harry continued his monolog, permitting himself space to acknowledge and accept his fate. “I don’t want to die alone.”

  Buddy stumbled, his hooves still sore. The jennies ran off, hee-hawing at the poor jack as they did so.

  “It’s okay, Buddy. None of us are perfect, are we?” Certainly not me. No matter the tribe, I’ve always been left behind.

  Harry wondered what it must feel like to be loved. To be unconditionally accepted. To never be abandoned.

  A tear trickled down his snout.

  For a brief moment, Harry considered letting go of his control of his host. Even jumping off, and experiencing the feeling o
f grass and dirt one more time before he died.

  “What’s that, Buddy?”

  Maybe it was his own imagination, but Harry thought he sensed the flicker of a thought from his host.

  Don’t leave me.

  Harry paused. “Oh, Buddy, I’m so sorry for even thinking of abandoning you like that. You’re right … we’re both going to die. And as long as I’m here, we’ll be together.”

  Harry felt a surge of warmth from within as Buddy picked himself up off the grassy ground.

  I’m not alone … I’m NOT alone!

  “Buddy! I’ve been thinking I’ve been alone all this time, but you’ve always been here with me. How could I have been so blind to the obvious?”

  Buddy took a cautious step forward. It didn’t hurt. So, he took another step. Then another. His feet didn’t hurt anymore!

  “Wow, it’s a miracle, Buddy. You’re cured!”

  Buddy ran. He caught up with the herd of jennies, to one who was especially responsive to his renewed advances. She didn’t run away from him. She didn’t even try to kick or bite him.

  “I love you, Buddy!” Harry nuzzled into his host’s spine, fully committed to riding things out with his lifetime friend.

  Meanwhile, his host proceeded to ride things out with the jenny.

  Nothing like a bright moment in this dark, cruel world, Harry mused.

  “Yes, Red,” Cass drawled. “We’ve seen worse odds. Now and then.” She eyed Mufatish, but his smirk stayed in place. Ballsy bastard. Obviously, he was confident—to the point of arrogance—in the ability of him and his men to deal with her crew. And he struck her as just bored enough to enjoy a violent means to an end.

  So be it. She had a traitor to deal with, and no dockyard watch dog was going to get in her way. Not today.

  Cass slowly lifted her hands, splayed out to the sides, but only to about hip level. She watched Mufatish closely, a plan forming quickly in her mind. “But maybe this fight’s not worth it,” she said. “Just like that time on Aresh Five. Remember what happened there?”

  “Arrr, aye,” Redbeard muttered. “How could I forget, Cap’n?”

  Kitt hissed in acknowledgement.

  “I remember well, Captain,” Spiner said.

  Cass kept the smile from her face with difficulty. Good. They remembered. They knew what to do. She raised her hands higher. “We surrender,” she said.

  Mufatish’s dark eyes gleamed. “Wise choice, Captain. Now, throw down your weapons and kick them towards me. Slowly, mind you. My crew has itchy trigger fingers. Don’t give them a reason to shoot.”

  His companions did indeed look eager for a reason to shoot. That would up the challenge a bit.

  Redbeard grumbled. She knew he always hated this part.

  Obediently, Cass and her crew slid their pistols from holsters and tossed them to the pavement, then kicked them toward Mufatish. The sound of so many weapons skittering across the concrete was loud in the tense silence.

  Mufatish smiled in self-satisfaction, then tilted his chin up and gestured for his people—men and women both, Cass realized as they drew closer—to move in for the arrest.

  Just as they’d done on Aresh Five, she and her crew put their hands on their heads and waited. They stood quiet and motionless as the Irrakeen customs officers approached.

  It wasn’t until the man aiming to arrest her reached for the manacles on his belt that she finally reacted.

  At precisely the moment one of his hands left his rifle to retrieve them, his steady gaze shifting from her for just a second, she smashed her armored knee into his groin, both hands locked around his rifle and wrenching it from his grip.

  She spun the weapon as he doubled over, brought the butt of it hard into his temple, and whipped around to face Mufatish before the other man had even hit the ground.

  Mufatish’s mouth was agape, face as white as his jumpsuit as his hand scrambled for his own pistol.

  Cass fired.

  The laser bolt blackened a hole in his chest.

  He staggered backward, hand falling limp from his holster. He stared blankly at her for a moment, then toppled to the pavement.

  Cass turned a quarter step to her right, already sighting down the barrel at her next target; the poor sap who’d chosen to go after Redbeard.

  The large pirate had the much smaller man by the throat, suspended in the air. Redbeard’s other hand held the man’s rifle.

  That one was taken care of, then.

  Cass executed another quarter turn to Kitt, only to find the Homo lyncis sapius bounding after her would-be arresting officer, the woman already fleeing, limping and screaming, a trail of blood in her wake from a large gash on her leg.

  Spiner filled her sight, and she quickly lowered the rifle.

  The android gazed at her impassively, the woman who’d attempted to arrest him lying unconscious at his feet. His large black eyes blinked once, and the electrodes protruding from his fingertips withdrew.

  Shouts echoed across the docking area, and Cass whirled again to see another group of customs officers running toward them, rifles at the ready. They fired, fast and sloppy. Not troops, then … just bureaucrats with guns. Laser bolts flew wide as Cass and her crew crouched and ran for cover.

  Redbeard emptied his hands—tossing both the man he’d been strangling and the man’s rifle to the ground—and scooped up his own pistol, then hastened toward the Bray’s boarding ramp.

  Cass and the others did the same, though Cass held onto her borrowed rifle. She tucked it under one arm and fired both weapons at the new group of officers, felling two with practiced ease.

  Beside her, Kitt let out a horrific, hair-raising roar, her fully automatic pistol mowing down another three.

  Cass swore under her breath and ducked another shower of incoming fire. She’d forgotten how ferocious Kitt could get when her bloodlust was stoked. They needed to end this fight, and fast, or the seemingly passive engineer would go into full predator mode … and no one wanted to see that.

  Cass still had the occasional nightmare from the last time Kitt had lost control.

  She threw herself behind one of the Bray’s landing struts, pressing her back against it, then leaned out to squeeze off a few more shots.

  Redbeard had taken cover behind another strut, off to her left, and Kitt and Spiner huddled behind the one to her right.

  Cass glanced to Redbeard, but he was in full battle mode, too, gleefully mindful to nothing but destroying their opposition. His battle cry mingled with Kitt’s second roar as he swung around his cover to fire unhindered.

  “Red!” Cass barked, but he paid her no mind. “Red, get your ass back—”

  An incoming laser bolt chewed into his shoulder and he roared in pain, spinning back behind his cover.

  Cass swore again, louder this time. She looked to Kitt and Spiner. Only Spiner seemed unaffected by the heat of the moment.

  The approaching officers were getting nearer now, their shooting more precise. But their numbers had already drastically thinned.

  Bureaucrats or not, these were dedicated—if overmanned—professionals. Of course, Kitt hadn’t launched into a rampage of rage yet, either.

  Ballsy bastards.

  “Spiner!” Cass yelled. “We need to end this! Now!”

  “Affirmative, Captain.” Spiner’s voice was completely calm. He reached down to a false pocket on his thigh and opened the flap. Then opened a small compartment built into his leg and removed three small spheres that resembled silver marbles. Touching a fingertip to each one, he leaned around the landing strut to toss them at the feet of the dockyard officers.

  They didn’t react.

  Well, not until the marbles exploded, releasing a charge strong enough to knock out beings twice as large as Redbeard for a full twelve hours.

  Those were an upgrade from the ones Spiner had used to get them out of the mess on Aresh Five, and Cass greatly appreciated not being in proximity to their blast this time.

  The offic
ers collapsed mid-run, some skidding to a rest, the rest flopping onto the ground, their bodies rolling several feet from their momentum.

  The dockyard was silent.

  “Arrr!” Redbeard frowned at Spiner. “Why’d ye do tha’! Took all tha fun outta it!”

  Kitt growled low in her throat, tail lashing, seemingly in agreement.

  “We don’t have time for this!” Cass snapped. “We have a traitor to catch, remember?”

  Redbeard sobered, then winced. He cradled his right arm gingerly to his side. The laser burn in his shoulder looked pretty bad. “Arrr, right,” he said.

  “Everyone on board before more of those bastards show up!” Cass ordered. Fear tried to push up her throat, concern for Redbeard’s injury, but she clamped down on it. Now wasn’t the time.

  The lot of them pounded up the boarding ramp, and Cass slapped the button to close it. The Bray would protect them from any late arrivals who might try to arrest their departure.

  They raced to the bridge and hurriedly took their stations.

  “Node!” Cass barked. “Get this boat in the air!”

  “Oh, hello,” Node’s lazy voice filled the bridge. “Wasn’t expecting you all back so early. The ceremony isn’t even finished yet.”

  “Effin’ thief stole arrrr winnings!” Redbeard yelled.

  “Node, can you hack the dockyard system’s departure roster and find out if there was a ship that left about forty minutes ago, Corvette class, registered as Girlboss?” Cass barely paused to breathe. “If so, I want you to calculate its heading and set a vector to pursue!”

  “Um, okay. Scanning now.”

  There was a moment of ringing silence.

  Cass drummed her fingers against the arm of her chair.

  Beside her, Redbeard prodded at the charred hole in his shoulder, face tight with pain.

  “Stop touching it,” Cass barked, causing Redbeard to jump in his seat. “You’ll just make it worse.”

  “I found a ship matching your description, Captain,” Node spoke up at last. “It departed forty-five minutes ago. I have plotted its most likely trajectory. Engines are warming now. Are you sure you’d like to follow it?”