Starship Ass Complete Omnibus

by Ethan Freckleton

  “I would advise against any rash action, Grand Marshal.” It was Spiner who spoke up this time. “As you well know, in your Scriptures—penned by the mighty hand of the Lord of Light himself—it is explicitly commanded that the champion donkey be sacrificed at the precise moment the full moon reaches the zenith of the sky. If you sacrifice Harry now, you will be committing blasphemy yourself.”

  Redbeard and the captain both stared at Spiner, mouths agape.

  Spiner continued, “We are merely heathens, and as such, blasphemy is expected of us. But you? According to your rather lengthy biography in the local newspaper, The Irrakeen Word, you have spent your entire life in service to the Lord of the Light. If you botch this ceremony, do you think the Lord of the Light will offer you forgiveness? Or will he condemn you to eternity in the Barren Land of In-Between?”

  The marshal stared at the android, and Harry felt the pressure of the knife against Buddy’s throat ease.

  “On the other hand,” Captain Cass said, “you could give us Harold now, and then you can find another donkey to sacrifice at the correct time. Or, you know, just wait another twenty years to ascend, or whatever.”

  Spiner nodded. “The captain is correct. You still have a couple hours left to find a substitute.”

  The grand marshal was shaking all over now, his skin ashen.

  Harry realized with a start the man was still dripping blood from the small cuts on his wrists, and then there was the large chunk of his arm Harry himself had mauled.

  The grand marshal crouched there, silent, as if contemplating his next action or his next threat, drops of blood continuing to drip off his hands onto the floor.

  And then, abruptly, he collapsed to the floor face-first, the dagger clattering away from his still, limp hand.

  The pirate crew didn’t move, but stood staring down at the body, expressions of confusion flitting across their faces.

  “Er, I suppose that’s one way to go,” the captain said after a pause.

  “Very anticlimactic,” Kitt commented mildly.

  “Arrr, no one wants to see ya rip out another throat, me kitten,” Redbeard muttered, glancing sideways at the cat-like alien as she moved further into the chamber.

  Kitt only mewled innocently in reply.

  Captain Cass crossed the room quickly and knelt by Harry’s side. “Harold, are you all right?”

  Harry tried his best to speak. Wanted to shout. Wanted to say, “Yes, I’m fine. I’m so glad you came back! You missed the best part … when I was kicking their asses!”

  But all that came out was a small puff of breath from his nostrils.

  Spiner stepped up alongside Harry and pulled out his tablet. “Ah, his nervous system has been paralyzed by some kind of electrical charge. Probably the same charge they fired at you, Captain.” He leaned down and pulled a small pen-like device from his belt, then jabbed it into Harry’s neck. “There.”

  Harry had neither the time nor ability to protest.

  “He should regain use of his limbs in a few minutes.”

  “Thank you, Spiner.” The captain stood up and gestured at Redbeard. “Red, are you up to carrying him with that shoulder?”

  Redbeard slung his weapon over his back and grunted in response. He ambled over and lifted Harry with one arm. “Not a problem, Cap’n.”

  “Good,” Captain Cass replied. “Then let’s get out of here before someone else shows up.”

  All Harry could do was silently cheer. Buddy, we did it, we survived! No one can stop us now.

  And indeed, the pirates met no resistance on the way out of the palace. The truck was waiting outside for them. Captain Cass and Kitt got in up front, and Redbeard climbed onto the back with Harry, with Spiner following.

  “We should hide Harry,” Spiner said.

  Redbeard grunted again and laid Harry down on the truck bed, then threw a tarp over him.

  The sounds of celebration continued to fill the streets as throngs of parade-goers partied in clusters. But no one bothered the unremarkable truck as it made its way back to the dockyard.

  Finally, the truck came to a halt and the engine switched off.

  The starry sky returned to Harry’s view when the tarp was yanked off, looking even more beautiful than before.

  The pirates clambered out of the truck, and Redbeard picked Harry up again. Aside from the lone silhouette of the Bray, the dockyard appeared empty.

  By this point, Harry was feeling somewhat capable of movement, if groggy. Still, it felt nice to be pampered, so he relaxed and let his ginger giant of a friend carry him around for a while longer.

  “That was too easy,” Captain Cass said as they walked toward the Bray. She glanced around the yard, weapon at the ready as if she expected an ambush at any moment. “There should have been reinforcements here by now.”

  “Arrr, Cap’n. Guess we won’t be needin’ tha hostages, after all.”

  Spiner said, “Captain, shall I remove our prisoners from the hold?”

  “I’ll help,” Kitt offered.

  “Alright,” the captain conceded. She still looked uneasy. “Let’s get on with it and get the hell out of here.” She stepped up to the ship and opened a panel, revealing a button, which she promptly pressed. The doors to the cargo hold opened, and a ramp lowered to the ground.

  At the top of the ramp, a familiar uniformed woman stood at stiff attention, a pistol leveled at the pirate crew.

  A moment later, several more figures emerged from the hold, fanning out behind her. She took a step forward, a cold smile forming upon her lips. “Ah, Captain Bambi. We were starting to get worried about you.”

  26

  “Woah, the mean-faced lady is back,” Harry said, craning his neck past Redbeard’s shoulder to get a better view. Whatever Spiner had injected him with was working. He was able to move his head and lick his teeth. It was a start.

  Redbeard, for once, spoke quietly, his voice a harsh whisper in Harry’s ear. “Wha? Stop mumblin’ an’ stay quiet.”

  Captain Cass stepped up to the base of the ramp, her rifle hanging loosely from her hands. “What are you doing on my ship?”

  The mean lady, who Harry remembered as being called Commodore Something, took a matching set of steps forward, the metal of the ramp clanging as her boots made contact. “Your ship? Let’s give up any pretenses, shall we? You are a pirate and a deserter, and I am a commodore in the Federation Navy. You and your crew are going to surrender now, or I promise you will regret it.”

  The captain squinted up at Commodore Something. “I thought we had a week?”

  The mean lady in blue practically spat out her reply. “Rear Admiral Hawke is my superior, yes, but that doesn’t mean he gets to make up the rules. When it comes to deserters, Federation policy is clear. Hawke may have a soft spot for you, Bambi, but rest assured that I do not.”

  Captain Cass took another few steps forward, her own metallic boots causing the entire ramp to vibrate. She paused just paces in front of her pursuer. “So tell me something, Commodore. Since when does the Federation Navy work with pirates and thieves?”

  The mean lady frowned. “What are you talking about?”

  “The tail you had on us. He’s a pirate.”

  “Informants are not my department.”

  Harry lifted his muzzle to Redbeard’s ear and tried to whisper. “What are we going to do? Blast them?”

  Redbeard made a grunting noise, but didn’t reply. Though Harry thought he could make out an upward curve of the man’s lips.

  To the ginger giant’s side, Kitt and Spiner appeared frozen in place, maintaining an almost unnatural level of stillness.

  Harry put on a smile for their benefit, but no one showed any sign of noticing.

  “Did you damage the computer?” Captain Cass asked, gazing past the Federation officer into the hold.

  The commodore’s shoulders moved fractionally. “Why would I bother? I entered the Federation override code. All properly registered ships are programmed to
comply.”

  “Ah,” the captain nodded. “But do you know the override code for the holding pens? It’d be a shame if the livestock were to accidentally get loose or stampede about…”

  The Federation woman’s stern composure cracked, her forehead wrinkling as her nostrils flared. “That’s irrelevant. Quit stalling and—”

  Captain Cass cut her off with a shout. “Node, if you’re listening, I know you can read between the lines!”

  The commodore sneered and leveled her pistol at the captain. “That’s quite enough.”

  Then, two things happened at once. First, a loud series of snarls and roars erupted from the hold, sounding like the lions Harry had once learned about from his tribe’s elders. At the same time, the Federation officer squeezed off a shot, a tight laser beam slicing into the captain’s midsection.

  “Noooo!” Redbeard shouted.

  “No!” Harry echoed.

  Captain Cass crumpled to the ramp with a dull thud.

  The commodore bared her teeth in a savage grin. An alarmed shout from her men wiped the smug look off her face just as quickly. A chorus of moos erupted from the hold, followed closely by a growing rumble and the startled protesting of chickens.

  “Look out, Commodore!” one of the men shouted.

  “Ahhhh!” shouted another as a hefty bull knocked him to the ground, instantly trampling him.

  The Federation boarding party tried to scramble out of the way as a herd of cattle fled from the cargo hold, quickly followed by Harold’s herd of donkeys. A pair of officers grabbed a protesting commodore by the arms as they hustled down the ramp.

  “Hang on, ‘arry!” Redbeard pivoted and rushed to get away from the oncoming Feds and livestock.

  Kitt and Spiner were also on the move, taking cover at the base of the ship beneath the ramp. They held their own weapons at the ready, taking shots at blue uniforms as the Feds ran.

  Redbeard noticed his companions and altered course. Huffing, he set Harry down on the ground and leaned against the frame of the ship. “Arrr, I’ve got to get tha cap’n before she gets trampled!”

  The predatory roars from the cargo hold upped in intensity, and a moment later feathers were flying around everywhere as chickens trailed the donkeys out of the hold, half-flying, half-running.

  Spiner fired off a couple more shots, then replied, “I’ll cover you. Try to hurry.”

  Kitt mewled, her pupils fully dilated as her gaze flicked back and forth between blue uniforms and frenzied livestock.

  Harry tried to sit up. “I can help,” he mumbled.

  Redbeard reached out to restrain Harry, then winced. “Stay ‘ere.” He scanned the chaos as he crouched, licking his lips. A cow ran past, a hen clutching at its back. As soon as it was out of the way, Redbeard sprinted forward.

  Spiner took a few steps forward himself, risking partial exposure to the livestock, and laid down covering fire.

  Kitt had gone prone, her stomach inches above the ground as she crawled forward on all fours.

  “What are you doing?” Harry asked.

  “Shhh,” she hissed. A moment later, she paused and wiggled her posterior from side to side.

  Harry tilted his head in confusion at her antics. What is she doing? Is that a dance? Does she have to pee?

  Then, without warning, she sprang into action, bolting out into the chaos, a flash of white fur that moved faster than Harry’s eyes could track.

  He was so distracted by watching Kitt that he didn’t notice when the commodore crept up alongside the ship, closing in on Spiner.

  “Don’t move,” she said, her pistol pressing into the back of the android’s head.

  Harry’s stomach clenched at the sound of her voice. He turned his head only to realize his green friend was in peril. He tested his limbs, attempting to stand. He resisted the urge to let out an “ugh” as they wobbled, then collapsed beneath his unsteady frame.

  With her off-hand, the commodore reached up behind Spiner’s right ear and began to poke and prod. After a moment, she paused and pressed. A section of his skull appeared to peel back, revealing circuitry and a couple of small buttons.

  “If I may?” Spiner began.

  “No, you may not,” the mean lady replied, then pressed one of the buttons.

  Spiner collapsed to the ground.

  At that moment, Redbeard appeared around the ramp, an unmoving Cass slung over his shoulder. His mouth opened in shock to find himself suddenly at the business end of a Federation-issue pistol.

  The commodore regarded him coolly. “Set her down and put your hands up. Or don’t.” She leveled the pistol at his face. “It would bring me great pleasure to end you.”

  Redbeard opened and closed his mouth, sweat running down his face, which was quickly draining of color. “Blimey,” was as much as he chose to say.

  Oh, no! C’mon, Buddy, we’ve got to do something. Harry tested his limbs again, slowly scooting his body around to face the backside of the mean Federation officer.

  Redbeard knelt and gently laid Captain Cass down on the ground. His hand lingered on her face, cupping her cheek, his eyes filled with tears. “I’m sorry I failed you, Cap’n,” he whispered.

  Awww, I think he loves her, Buddy. Harry resisted the urge to whimper in sympathy. Instead, he dragged his body forward. Just a little further.

  The commodore stiffened as a white blur flashed across the ground a couple dozen feet away.

  A uniformed officer leapt out of the way, just dodging Kitt’s outstretched claws. She skidded along the ground, then flipped back onto her feet, never noticing the dire situation facing her fellow crew members as she bolted off in pursuit of another cluster of livestock and uniforms.

  The commodore shook her head. “You are a pathetic lot.” She gestured with the pistol at Redbeard. “Now, stand up and place your hands over your head. Good … now, turn around.”

  “Arrr you gonna shoot me in tha back, then?” Redbeard asked.

  “Shut up and get on with it.”

  Redbeard turned around as ordered.

  The mean Federation lady took a step forward, her pistol still outstretched. She aimed it at the base of Redbeard’s skull. “Do you have any family you’d like to pass a message along to?”

  Harry closed the remaining distance. All he needed to do now was get up and kick her. If he could stand up. His legs were beginning to itch, and a sensation of pin-pricks ran from shoulder to hoof.

  “Arrr, ya. Me little girl,” Redbeard muttered.

  The Federation officer smiled at that, sending a chill down Harry’s back. She was an awful, evil human, he decided.

  “I didn’t realize you had children.”

  I didn’t, either. Wonder why he’s never talked about them?

  “All the more tragic … for you,” the mean lady said.

  “Oh, I don’ have children,” Redbeard said.

  Harry blinked. Huh?

  The commodore seemed equally confused. “Excuse me?”

  Redbeard turned his head to the side and spat. “I was jus’ stallin’ so’s ‘Arry could get his feet workin’.”

  Ohhh. Oh!

  The commodore snarled. “What are you talking about?”

  Come on, Buddy! That’s us! Harry clambered to his feet and twisted around, hopeful that he had his legs lined up. With no time to waste, he’d have to hope for the best.

  “You know what? Nevermind,” the mean lady snapped. “I’m done with the lot of you. Prepare to die!”

  Harry felt his front legs wavering. He kicked back quickly, before he could fall over. “Oomph!” he groaned.

  “Argh!” another voice answered.

  “Ha!” a third voice called out.

  Harry collapsed, but not before he’d managed to fully extend his hind legs right into the side of the commodore’s knee. As he craned his head around to judge his handiwork, he saw her tumbling over the inert form of Spiner, then Cass, losing her balance and her pistol as she toppled to the ground.

&nb
sp; Redbeard spun around and pounced on the evil Federation lady’s back, yanking on her arms and pinning them behind her back.

  “Ouch!” came her muffled shout, her face pressed into the ground. “Get off me!”

  Redbeard busted out his best mean-face and pulled her up to her feet, nearly yanking her arms out of their sockets.

  “You been bested by arrr secret weapon,” he snarled.

  The commodore winced, whether at the words or from her rough handling, Harry couldn’t tell.

  Her eyes widened at the sight of Harry. “Wait, I was assaulted by a donkey?”

  Harry rolled his legs under him and struggled his way up to standing. Okay, let’s give her our best mean face ever, Buddy!

  The woman’s brows lowered over her eyes. “Is it smiling at me?”

  Redbeard grinned at Harry. “Cute fer an arse, ain’t he? Fierce, too.”

  “That’s right,” Harry said. “Get a good look at me. I’m the one who bested you.” He paused to puff out his chest. “Pirate intern Harold, the meanest, most badass donkey in the galaxy!”

  It took some time, but after reactivating Spiner, Redbeard was able to calm Kitt down. Together, they tied up the remaining Federation officers—those who had not fled or been trampled or mauled to death—and rounded up the wayward livestock.

  Spiner remained with Captain Cass in the captain’s quarters, where she’d been tucked into the bed. He scanned her with his tablet as Harry paced around them on his tender hooves.

  “Is she going to be okay?” Harry asked.

  Spiner reached down and jabbed her with a cylindrical object.

  “Is that what you used on me?”

  Spiner scanned the captain again, then paused to look up at Harry. “It is similar to what I used on you, yes. The captain is stable. She’ll be okay as long as we’re able to get her to a medical facility in the next twenty-four hours.”

  “Oh, good!” Harry cheered, then lowered his voice. “You know what, Spiner?”

  “What?”

  “Learning disability or not, you’re pretty badass.”

  Spiner stared at Harry for a long, silent moment, then returned his attention to the captain.