Starship Ass Complete Omnibus

by Ethan Freckleton

  “Anything else?”

  Zuckberg met McGee’s eyes. “Sorry, bud.” The dog looked back to Hawke. “He likes cold pizza and beer, and absolutely hates his job … and himself.”

  Hawke smiled at Anasua across the room. “See?”

  “I’m sure lots of people hate their jobs. So what? What does this have to do with the Outliers?”

  “I already told you, but you weren’t listening.”

  “We’re literally going to sniff them out?”

  Hawke nodded. “Oh, yes.”

  “How? Can this dog sniff asses across time and space? Why don’t we just leverage our spy resources and if there really are Outliers, nuke their centers of operation?”

  Zuckberg barked and started to laugh. “I like this bitch.”

  Hawke steepled his fingers. “We may be military, but that doesn’t mean that everything requires a military solution. We’re going on an outreach mission.”

  “Outreach?”

  “Yes. I am already using our spy resources. We’ll be following up on their assessments and visiting potential Outlier sites.”

  “And then? You’ll just take this dog for a walk?”

  Zuckberg wagged his tail. “That would be great.”

  “Dinner parties,” Hawke replied with a straight face.

  “Dinner parties,” Anasua repeated, battling to keep the hate and disbelief out of her voice.

  “Grand affairs, really. We’ll be converting the training decks into giant ballrooms, with room to hold up to a thousand guests at a time.”

  “So … your plan is to fly around the galaxy and invite our potential enemies over for dinner?”

  “Yes.”

  “All so that this dog—”

  Zuckberg interrupted, “I have a name, bitch.”

  Anasua glared. “All so that this dog can sniff out the hidden affiliations of Outlier members?”

  “Yes,” Hawke replied. “You’re a smart officer. I’m glad you get it.”

  Anasua clamped her mouth shut. She was going to have to get in touch with the Vice Admiral right away. Hawke was out of his mind and needed to be replaced before the Federation became the laughing stock of the known universe.

  Zuckberg interrupted her thoughts, already closing the distance between her and him. “Can I sniff your ass? It’s so rigid and tight, I might not be able to smell anything at all.”

  Anasua placed a hand on the laser pistol riding her hip. “Don’t you dare get anywhere near me, dog.” She’d always hated dogs. Now, she really hated them. Especially this one. Hawke may have been passive blowhard, but he’d also made it this far. If his new pet initiative got anywhere near her backside before she pulled off her coup against him, she was likely to end up in lock-up … or spaced while no one was looking.

  “Zuckberg, come,” Hawke said, his voice stern.

  The black dreadlocked dog’s tail dropped and his head sagged as he returned to stand at Hawke’s feet.

  “That’s a good boy. We’re all on the same team here.”

  Not anymore, thought Anasua. Not anymore.

  2

  Harry stayed by Captain Cass’s side for the entire trip to Haven.

  Not that he had much other choice, anyway … his feet were absolutely killing him. But, there weren’t many other places he would have rather been on the SS Bray at this point. He certainly didn’t want to be down in the cargo hold with the ever-growing piles of manure. He didn’t even want to think about what things must look like down there with him essentially disabled and unable to perform his duties as pirate intern.

  He winced and lifted his head to peer over the side of the bunk to the sleeping captain. “I’m sorry I can’t perform my duties right now,” he whispered to her. “I would if I could … but my feet hurt too much. Hopefully someone at Haven can help me, can help both of us, and then I promise … I’ll get right back to doing whatever you want me to do!” He rested his muzzle on the edge of her bed. “Just don’t kick me off your crew. Please?”

  Captain Cass did not answer.

  Of course she wouldn’t. She’d been unconscious since they’d raced away from Irrakeen following their narrow escape from Commodore Corvus and her Federation goons. The only sound in the room was her quiet, slow breathing, the distant hum of the ship’s engines, and the steady, soft beep of the vitals monitor Spiner had hooked up to Captain Cass for safe measure.

  Harry hated seeing her like this. She was such a badass pirate captain. But here like this, tucked neatly under the covers with her eyes closed and breathing so slow and even … she seemed so … normal. So fragile and vulnerable.

  He didn’t like it.

  Kitt had even taken off the captain’s mechanical leggings before tucking her in for their journey to Haven. The outline of the captain’s unmoving legs beneath the covers looked far too thin and frail.

  Harry looked down to his own front legs, folded beneath him. Kinda like me right now. Oh boy, Buddy, don’t we make quite the pair of useless pirates.

  He glanced to his left, to the shelf where Kitt had piled the captain’s leg armor. Maybe we need something like that. Something to act as our legs. Help us walk without it hurting so much. And we’d look a lot more badass, too.

  He cocked his head, ears perking. “Maybe they’ll have some armor for us at Haven!” he said aloud, to no one in particular. Sometimes he talked to himself. It was the only thing to do when you spent so much time alone in a room with an unconscious person.

  He was anxious to get to Haven, get himself and the captain fixed up, and get back to the exciting life of a space pirate, that was for sure.

  “I’m not so sure they make armor for donkeys,” said a familiar voice, causing Harry to jump.

  “Node?” he exclaimed, twisting his head in all directions, looking for the red eye.

  “Hello, friend.” A red smiley face materialized on the wall in front of him.

  “Node!” The name friend still made Harry feel all warm inside. “Where have you been?”

  The smiling mouth quickly drooped into a straight line. “Here, of course. On the ship. Where else would I be?”

  Harry blinked. “I mean … you haven’t come to see me in awhile. I was getting bored.”

  “Sorry about that.” The face morphed back into Node’s usual eye. “I meant to come back with more episodes of Deep Space Nine for you, but I’m afraid I got distracted. It’s quite amusing listening to the other crew members bicker.”

  Harry frowned. He didn’t like to think of the others fighting, even if, in his experience, their arguing never lasted too long. “Oh. Well … are we there yet?”

  The eye rolled in its digital socket. “You ask that question every time I see you.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m just excited to get to Haven!”

  Node heaved a sigh. “Well, you’re in luck—this time. As it happens, I came to tell you that we’re on final approach to the pirate headquarters right now.”

  “Yes,” Harry leapt to his feet in excitement before he thought better of it, then yelped in pain and collapsed back to the floor. “Ow, ow, owwww.” Sorry about that, Buddy. He sheepishly pulled his legs back into some sort of dignified order as Node’s eye widened on the wall.

  “Boy, you’re really in bad shape, aren’t you?” the ship’s AI inquired.

  “It’s getting worse.”

  “Well, don’t worry. We’ll be landing very soon. And, according the conversations I’ve been eavesdropping on from the rest of the crew, Haven is exactly that … a haven. A pirate’s paradise, full of everything you could ever want. I’m sure they’ve got adequate medical facilities to fix you up.” The eye looked toward the unconscious Captain Cass. “And the captain. Don’t tell anyone, but … I actually kind of miss her.”

  Harry smiled. “See? Humans aren’t as dumb as you think.”

  “Hrmm.” Node’s red eye shifted back to Harry. “No, I think she might be the singular exception to the rule.” The eye morphed into another smiley face.
“At least she keeps the others in line. With her unconscious, they’re nearly unbearable.”

  Harry’s ears swiveled back. He liked Node, but he wished the surly AI would be nicer to the rest of his friends. He opened his mouth to make a retort, but Node’s digital avatar winked off the wall before he could get the words out.

  “Sorry, gotta go,” Node’s disembodied voice said from the wall speaker. “I need to make sure the android of limited intelligence doesn’t crash us into the docking column.”

  Harry shook his head and gave a huff. He was quite sure that Spiner was capable of landing the ship unassisted. But maybe Node was just bored, too. It’d been days since anything truly interesting had happened.

  The rumble of the ship’s engines changed in pitch and a thrill of excitement made Harry shiver.

  The pirate refuge of Haven! They were finally arriving!

  #

  The thump of the landing gear hitting a solid surface was unmistakable. Harry wanted to jump to his feet and scamper up to the bridge to see it for himself, but his front feet didn’t want to support his weight anymore.

  He laid his ears back in frustration. Man, Buddy … whatever we did to end up like this, let’s not do it anymore, okay? He planned to ask the veterinarian on Haven how exactly to fix his feet, and how he could make sure it never happened again.

  The doctor on Irrakeen had been less than clear on what was wrong with him. And their preferred treatment—sacrificing him to their deity of choice—had been even less satisfactory.

  His ears perked again as he heard the rest of the crew coming down the corridor toward Captain Cass’s room. He heard Redbeard most of all, the large man’s heavy footsteps clomping on the metal floor, his booming voice audible despite the closed doors.

  “Aye, I’m tellin’ ya, she’s gonna be fine!”

  There were quieter murmurs from one of his companions.

  “Naw, you be worryin’ too much. Tone E’s got the best medics. They’ll fix ‘er right up!”

  With that, the room’s door slid open and a ginger-headed giant filled the doorway. Redbeard had to duck to step through, and Harry scooted himself out of the way—just before the big man nearly trampled him.

  “Heya,” Redbeard greeted. “How ya gettin’ on?”

  Harry wished he could shrug like humans did. “Oh, I’m okay. Feet still hurt. And I’m really bored, but I can’t wait to see Haven!”

  “Aye, you’ll be likin’ it, alright,” Redbeard said. He reached for the vitals monitor to turn it off, but Spiner quickly wedged himself between the bed and Redbeard.

  “I will manage that,” Spiner said. “I would prefer if you didn’t break it.”

  Redbeard scoffed, taking a step back. “Break it?” the big man protested. “I ain’t gonna break it. I’m tryin’ ta get tha Cap’n outta here so we can get ‘er to proper treatment!”

  “Yes, but this is a sensitive machine,” Spiner countered, as he set about running a report on the captain’s vitals. “Not to mention, expensive. And the captain is in a fragile state.” The green-skinned android gestured at the readouts on the monitor with long fingers. “You see? I had to make sure she was stable enough to move.”

  Redbeard looked startled, his dark eyes darting down to the unconscious captain. He swallowed visibly, even beneath his bushy red beard. “Is she?” he asked quietly.

  “Yes,” Spiner answered simply, then gently disconnected the sensors from her temples and wrists.

  “Well then, wha’ the blazes are you waitin’ for? Let’s get ‘er to tha doc!” Redbeard shoved Spiner’s slight frame aside and pulled back the captain’s neatly tucked covers. Kitt had dressed her in a navy blue tank top and long pajama pants.

  Beneath the top, Harry knew, was a bandage wrapped tight around the spot on her torso where she’d taken the laser blast from the Federation officer. Unlike in his favorite TV show, this Federation were definitely not the good guys.

  He swallowed hard as Redbeard scooped her into his arms, but for all his size, Redbeard could be quite gentle when he wanted to be.

  Spiner pressed himself against the wall, making room for Redbeard to reach the door with his important cargo. Even for a captain’s quarters, the room wasn’t that big. It scarcely fit Redbeard’s hulking frame, let alone Spiner, Harry, and Captain Cass’s unconscious self.

  “Come on, ‘Arry,” Redbeard said, jerking his head in the direction of the corridor. “Let’s go. You can see Haven an’ meet Tha Big T. Me thinks you’ll like ‘em.”

  Harry nodded eagerly, but hesitated, unsure if he’d be able to handle the pain of standing on his injured hooves.

  Spiner followed Redbeard through the doorway and out into the hall.

  Harry’s ears drooped. He should have asked the android to carry him, but he’d hoped someone would notice him and give him the same level of care and concern as the captain. He couldn’t imagine walking all the way down to the boarding ramp, much less walking whatever distance it might be to get to Haven’s doctor.

  Another noise at the doorway made him lift his head, warm and fuzzy happiness flooding him as he saw Kitt appear, pushing a wheeled contraption. She bared her sharp little teeth.

  Harry was pretty sure it was a smile. It certainly wasn’t the mean-faced look he’d gotten used to receiving from her … no, this was her nice smile. Ever since his part in helping with the escape—and saving a life or two—Kitt had shifted in her treatment of him. As had Redbeard and Spiner, come to think of it.

  Harry certainly appreciated the shift. He was starting to feel like a real part of the crew. If only he could perform his pirate intern duties. Or, you know, walk.

  “Here you go,” the feline-ish white-furred humanoid said softly as she entered the room. Those who called her a cat tended to meet an unsightly end. “This is for you. You can use it to get around, until the doctors can fix you.”

  “Really?” The warm and fuzzy feeling in Harry’s chest grew into an ecstatic full-body shiver. “You made this ... just for me?”

  “Yes. Try it on.” She patted a small, flat leather platform positioned above the two smallish wheels. “Rest your chest right here and put your front hooves here.” She used her furry feet to tap two metal squares positioned a few inches off the floor. “Then, you push yourself along with your back legs. The wheels will act as your front legs. To turn, lean your body in the direction you want to go, like so.” She shifted her own body side to side.

  “Wow!” Harry was truly impressed. No one had ever made anything like this for him before. Well, other than that manure-cleaning cart Kitt had previously put together … but this contraption was way cooler. And smelled a lot better.

  He rose laboriously to his feet and limped over to Kitt and her newest invention. He positioned his chest over the flat leather seat and eased himself down, only to happily discover it was quite comfortable.

  Kitt helped him put his front hooves on the metal squares in front, then stepped out of his way so he could exit the captain’s quarters.

  With the aid of the contraption, Harry walked forward. He maneuvered through the doorway with ease and turned the corridor leading to the boarding ramp. His whole body quivered with excitement, his ears standing rigid and straight as he beamed at Kitt. “It works! This is amazing. Thank you.”

  The swell of appreciation brought sudden tears to his eyes, and Harry blinked them back quickly. Pirates didn’t cry. At least, he didn’t recall seeing anyone cry so far.

  Kitt smiled back at him, her nice smile again. “I’m glad it works. Now, we’d better get down there before we miss your introduction to Tone E!”

  Harry did, indeed, want to meet this Tone E fellow. Redbeard and the others had been talking about him and Haven nearly non-stop for the length of their voyage here. He let Kitt lead the way, following her through the corridor, out into the cargo bay, past the livestock, until they approached the wide boarding ramp, now open and extended. He noted with pleasure how Kitt looked over her shoulder every few mo
ments to check on his progress.

  His feeling of awe and elation only expanded as they descended the ramp. Before him lay the expanse of the pirate haven known as … er, well, Haven. A peppermint breeze ruffled his shaggy coat as he took in the view. He sucked in a deep lungful, thankful for a break from the stale, recycled air of the Bray. Thick, lush greenery surrounded the landing pad on all sides, plants with wide leaves tangling on the sandy ground and the occasional tall, thin palm tree shooting up into the sky.

  He saw an ocean in the distance, glittering blue in the bright sun, and everywhere was the bustle of activity and murmur of lively conversation. Gods—err, humans—and aliens of all sorts moved back and forth around the landing berths and along the walking paths that led from the docking area to a cluster of buildings about a hundred yards away.

  “Wow!” he breathed. He hadn’t known what to expect, but this certainly wasn’t it—after all, Cern had not had any of this kind of scenery—although the commercials between episodes of Deep Space Nine had been teaching him a lot about the universe of late. Oddly, the images of ocean and greenery here seemed to flicker occasionally. Maybe the ailment that was affecting his feet had spread to his eyesight?

  Redbeard and Spiner were at the bottom of the ramp, Cass’s unconscious form nowhere to be seen. Talking with them was the single most massive human being Harry had ever seen, and that was saying a lot, considering his combustible ginger-haired companion. And on the massive man’s shoulder … was an entirely colorful bird, even larger than the ravens back home on Cern.

  “Wow!” Harry said again. The bird looked as if it had flown through a rainbow and gotten all the colors stuck to its feathers. Harry rolled eagerly down the ramp … a little too eagerly. The contraption Kitt had built for him didn’t really have any brakes.

  He tried to halt his momentum at Redbeard’s side, but instead ended up skidding right into the back of the red-haired giant’s legs.

  Redbeard stumbled forward with a swear as colorful as the rainbow bird, then rounded on Harry with an awful glare.

  Harry shrank back in the seat of his walking device, ears drooping. “Sorry,” he squawked.