Starship Ass Complete Omnibus

by Ethan Freckleton

  These were pirates, sure, but they were his pirates. And they might be operating outside of the Federation’s heavily biased regulations … but they had their own code they lived by, and he was proud to say the majority of his people followed the Pirate Code without fail a majority of the time.

  Here they were, thousands of beings of all species and races, all backgrounds, all cultures, living relatively peacefully amongst themselves on this lonely space station, hanging in space in the middle of nowhere. Proof that you didn’t need to try and make everyone the same in order to get along. A concept it seemed the Federation still could not seem to grasp.

  He stepped up to the podium and gripped its edges, breathing in deeply the … unique … smell of so many varied bodies gathered into one room. He smiled at those sitting nearest to the front, thinking of how far he’d come himself in the last decade. How much he’d built here. It was a well-oiled machine most of the time…

  Most of the time.

  Too bad some people had to throw a wrench into that well-oiled machine.

  His smile faded as his gaze wandered across the room to finally land on Djerke, the reason they were all here. The man who had violated the Pirate Code. The man who had decided to become a spy for the Effing Federation, for incomprehensible reasons. The traitor. He slouched sullenly in the Chair of the Accused, a chair that distinctly lacked the cushioning provided on the chairs of the spectators. His wrists were bound with heavy manacles, his dark gaze fixed on the blank wall behind Tone E.

  Tone E sighed and shook his head. He hated to do this. But the man had brought it on himself. To violate the Pirate Code—and to violate it so thoroughly—had to have consequences. For everyone’s sake.

  The big red-headed woman, Sonia, who Tone E had learned was Redbeard’s twin sister (not surprisingly, since they looked nearly exactly the same), occupied the spectator seat directly behind Djerke. She crooned soft words to him and stroked his hair.

  Tone E frowned at the sight and shifted on his feet. Well, that was awkward. And a rather large complication, too. But he supposed even villains had their own life stories, didn’t they? Humble origins, a day job, lovers, the whole lot. Come to think of it, even Tone E himself was a villain in the eyes of the Effing Federation … I guess we’re all villains in somebody’s story, aren’t we?

  He shifted his gaze to the other side of the room, where Redbeard had claimed a seat near the rest of his crew. Tone E had wondered, momentarily, what the big pirate would think of his sister having the hots for a traitor, but he didn’t have to wonder anymore. Redbeard was making his thoughts on the matter very, very clear.

  He hadn’t taken his seat yet, but stood facing Djerke, his meaty fists clenched and face as scarlet as his wild beard.

  Tone E then wondered if maybe it had been a bad idea to allow Redbeard to witness this trial in the first place….

  On his shoulder, Mr. Burton ruffled his feathers.

  “Yes, yes,” Tone E muttered. “I know.” He looked at the clock above the back doors. It was time to get this show on the road. He sighed again. Well, best to just get it over with. He held up his arms for silence, and gradually the buzz of general chatter in the room quieted.

  He cleared his throat. “Fellow pirates of Haven, thank you for coming today to witness this pursuit of justice. We may be pirates, but that does not mean we do not have a code we live by. That does not mean we do not have ethics or morals. And that does not mean that when one of us violates that code, or turns their back on our ethics and morals, that they do not face justice in turn.”

  Several pairs of boots stomped the floor in agreement at that statement, and a few pirates yelled, “Hear, hear!” and “You tell ‘em, Tone E!”

  He waited for them to quiet once more before continuing. “We are gathered here today to judge Djerke Hoff, who stands accused of violating several sections of the Pirate Code, namely: that he failed to obey his captain, that he stole a vessel that belonged to a fellow pirate, that he stole monetary winnings from another pirate in a situation other than by fair and mutually-agreed-to gambling, that he betrayed the location of a group of individuals under pirate protection to the Effing Feds, and that he did willingly and voluntarily—” Tone E suppressed a shudder, “—aid the Federation in their heinous attempts to obliterate all individuals who do not conform to their standards.”

  Mr. Burton gave a loud squawk as the room filled with angry mutterings and several colorful swear words.

  Tone E motioned for them to settle down. Though he knew how they felt. As much as he hated sentencing those who had broken the Pirate Code … to think one of his own could have done such things was hard to swallow. To think Djerke had betrayed them all so thoroughly … had betrayed him … Tone E himself, who had provided the man with a home and a job for so many years now.

  He took in a deep breath through his nose and exhaled through his mouth. Just as his therapist had recommended. It did help, a little. Once the crowd had suitably calmed down, he spoke again. “Are there any willing witnesses here who would speak to his misdeeds?”

  Captain Cass and her crew stood immediately. Well, except for Redbeard, who was already standing, and who had not moved a muscle for the entirety of Tone E’s opening speech. “We will speak,” Captain Cass said, her strong voice cutting across the room.

  “Aye,” Redbeard growled, “sure as shite we’ll speak.”

  “Very well,” Tone E said. He spread his hands. “As you are the party who was wronged, please tell all gathered here as witness what justice you believe Djerke deserves.”

  “SPACE ‘EM!” Redbeard bellowed, so loudly that Mr. Burton fluttered and squawked again, and several of the pirates nearest to the ginger giant startled in their seats. “Space tha no good traitor!” Spittle flew from his mouth in his rage as his accent thickened to near-indecipherable levels. “He led the Feds right ta me sis, he did! Woulda got her and me whole tribe murdered if we hadn’ta been thar to save ‘em!”

  Slouched in the Chair of the Accused, Djerke rolled his eyes. “Oh please,” he muttered.

  “Quiet.” Tone E turned a stern gaze to Djerke. “You’ll get the chance to defend yourself after recommended judgement has been taken from your accusers.”

  The man sunk lower in his chair and gave an even-more-exaggerated eye roll. Behind him, Sonia sat on the edge of her seat and wrapped a protective arm around his shoulders, staring at her brother in shock.

  Djerke, for his part, seemed to take no comfort nor pleasure from her ministrations.

  Strange. Tone E pulled his focus away from the unlikely couple and put it back on Captain Cass’s crew, who were all looking decidedly agitated, though none so much as Redbeard himself.

  Captain Cass cleared her throat and straightened. Tone E noticed her boots seemed particularly polished today. “I recommend exile,” she said firmly. “Exile from Haven and all resources provided to Code-abiding pirates, as well as excommunication from all organizations affiliated with the pirates of Haven.”

  Tone E lifted his eyebrows. Harsh. Not as harsh as being spaced, of course, but only just.

  Djerke’s handsome features paled, and the roguish smirk that was almost always fixed on his face faltered. Still, he kept his eyes locked on the wall in front of him and refused to react otherwise.

  Redbeard’s long-time companion, the cat-like (but definitely not a cat) Kitt Ten, hissed, and her neck fur bristled. “He betrayed us. He must die.”

  It was only then that Tone E realized Spiner, the fourth member of their crew, was missing. He blinked. “Er … Captain, where is Spiner? Didn’t he want to pass judgement as well?”

  Captain Cass and Kitt exchanged a glance, but then the captain shrugged. “Uh, well … to be honest, he didn’t seem particularly interested in these proceedings.”

  Tone E frowned. “No?” That wasn’t much like an android. Especially mild-mannered Spiner, whose implacable … blankness … had always been a stickler for regulations, including the Pirate Code.<
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  “Aye,” Redbeard muttered. “He’s off gazin’ at tha stars currently. I tell ya, tha’ android ain’t right in tha head no more.”

  “I see.” Concerning. Tone E made a mental note to have Captain Cass make Spiner an appointment with engineering. They should probably run a full diagnostic of his systems. “Well then, we’ll move on. So, we have two votes in favor of death, and one vote in favor of exile and excommunication.” Tone E faced the room and looked over all the expectant faces. “We have heard the preferred judgements from those who have been wronged. Now … are there any here who might stand in defense of the accused?”

  Silence.

  Djerke lifted his bound hands and rubbed them over his face.

  Maybe he was finally starting to realize just what kind of trouble he was in.

  Tone E nodded gravely. He opened his mouth to tell Djerke that he could now state his own defense, but at just that moment, Sonia stood from her chair.

  “I will,” she said quietly.

  Redbeard’s face colored a bright, crimson red once more. “Ya can’t be serious!” he spat.

  Tone E ignored the giant man’s outburst and faced Sonia. “Very well, then. What say you in defense of this man known as Djerke?”

  She straightened her shoulders, framed with a white fur mantle that trailed to the floor. She wore dark leather leggings common to her tribe and a dark blue tunic that highlighted her bright red hair. “I don’ know what misdeeds he may ‘ave done in tha past,” she said, “but I ‘ave tamed his wild heart.” Her hands went to cradle her belly.

  “Tha’s bollocks!” Redbeard roared. “Wha’ ‘bout justice?!”

  The tall woman looked across the room to her brother, her hands protectively over her belly now. “Wha’ ‘bout family?”

  “Blimey. Wha’ ya goin’ on about, sis?”

  “I’m pregnant.”

  A collective gasp issued from the room at large. Even Tone E, himself, contributed to the general shock at the news with a sharp inhale. Mr. Burton ruffled his feathers.

  “No,” was all Redbeard said, flatly.

  Sonia smiled. “Yes.”

  “No.” The word came out more forcefully this time, and Redbeard reddened to the point of turning purple.

  Tone E wondered if he should maybe page Dr. Bonecrusher. He’d never seen the man turn that color before, which coincidentally happened to match Bonecrusher’s own purple skin-color. Come to think of it, recalling the recent string of broken tablets, maybe pairing the two together right now wasn’t such a good idea.

  “Yes,” Sonia said again, and she looked fondly to Djerke, whose face was now an ashen gray.

  Safe to say the man hadn’t been aware of this news himself until just now, either, Tone E gathered.

  His attention was jerked back to Captain Cass and her crew by the sound of a loud thump, and more surprised gasps.

  Redbeard had fainted clean away, and now lay sprawled limply on the floor, several smashed chairs beneath him.

  Mr. Burton cackled laughter.

  Captain Cass crouched down beside him and pressed two fingers up to the side of his neck.

  Tone E shut his mouth, which had fallen open at the upsetting revelation, and grabbed the gavel he kept beneath the podium for just these kind of occasions. He banged it against the top of the podium as the buzz of excited chatter in the room grew louder. “Order!” he barked. “Pirates of Haven, I demand order! Order in this Court of Justice!”

  Gradually the gathered pirates settled down again, but there were still streams of whispers running back and forth across the room.

  Well, that was as good as it was going to get, he was sure of it.

  “I know he’s done wrongs,” Sonia spoke up again into the relative quiet, “but I’m askin’ fer leniency. This child is goin’ ta need a father.”

  Tone E stared at her, and felt a brick of dread settle in his stomach. His mouth went dry.

  Djerke had grown impossibly paler.

  Tone E looked to Captain Cass, who still crouched next to the unconscious Redbeard. Her expression was hard, but he saw her own uncertainty now about this situation in the way she looked up at him. Almost pleading. Almost relieved. Pleading for him to make a decision, and relieved she wouldn’t be the one to ultimately make the judgement on Djerke’s fate.

  And then there was Kitt, whose fur still stood on end. She bared her teeth at Djerke and Sonia, and her tail lashed back and forth.

  Tone E swallowed hard. “Oh hell,” he muttered, the words lost beneath the whispered mutters still circling the room. He still hated this part. Though over the years he’d realized there was no reason to hide the soft-sided part of his nature, a realization that had taken many years to arrive at, even with his therapist’s guidance (after all, he could have never started the refuge of Haven without that part of himself), his big heart was certainly an inconvenience when it came to specific parts of governance … especially in doling out justice.

  There was no way in this scenario to make everyone happy.

  Other people besides Djerke were going to suffer, whatever judgement he made. People who, unlike Djerke, did not deserve that misery.

  But that was a part of governing, he supposed. Part of being a strong and fair leader. Prior to founding Haven, he’d learned there were those who didn’t want fair leadership … they just wanted a strongman who could preserve the status quo. Those days were well behind him, but he still recognized the bitter taste of responsibility every time he had a difficult choice to make. Well, he could only do as best he could. He drew in another deep, slow breath and exhaled just as slowly.

  He’d let Djerke defend himself, at least. Maybe the man would say something that would make Tone E’s job easier.

  But before he could prompt the accused into speaking, the room’s back doors burst open. The muttering in the room fell silent and all pirates—except for Redbeard—twisted in their seats to stare at the new arrivals.

  Mr. Burton gave a loud, indignant squawk at the interruption.

  Norman Bieber waddled down the center aisle, followed by a prancing, shaggy, black-furred Zuckberg and a grim-faced, stoic Spiner. So much for star-gazing … the android had decided to make it to the trial, after all.

  Tone E sighed, leaning forward on the podium. “Norman, what’s the meaning of this?”

  “Sorry for the interruption, sir.”

  Zuckberg stuck his nose into the beaver-like alien’s posterior and then grinned, his purple tongue lolling out, as Bieber growled and swatted him away. “No he isn’t.”

  Walking behind the two, Spiner said nothing, but when Tone E looked to the android in question, Spiner’s black eyes seemed to hold more presence than the Big T could ever remember seeing in him before. Cass had said he’d been changed by their last mission….

  But it was … rather unsettling.

  Tone E cleared his throat and shifted on his feet, trying to mask his discomfort as he turned his attention instead to Norman. “Well? This better be important.”

  “Of course,” Norman said. He stopped in front of the podium and wrung his dexterous hands together. “Yes, sir, it is important. We’ve … well, we’ve been detecting some anomalies beyond the effective range of our scanners for the last few hours, and…”

  Zuckberg spotted Redbeard sprawled out on the floor and scampered over to him, giving his armpits a good whiff - practically burying his snout in the folds of the pirate’s tunic. Then he started to lick the big pirate in the face.

  “And,” Norman continued, dragging his beady black eyes away from the scene to look at Tone E again. “I’m embarrassed to say it was beyond my skill level to put the data together, but…”

  Redbeard grumbled as he roused, twitching. Then he let out a yell and a curse, shoving Zuckberg away as he surged into a sitting position.

  Tone E tried to focus on Norman as the little guy fidgeted, glancing from Redbeard to Tone E and back again. “But Spiner was able to put it together, sir.” Norman seemed
both bewildered and mildly annoyed by this fact.

  Curious. “And?” Tone E prompted.

  Spiner stepped forward then, speaking for the first time since entering the room. “A small fleet of Federation bombers are amassing on the furthest fringes of our present system, sir, in the shadow of an asteroid cluster.”

  Tone E’s heart dropped into his stomach even as the room at large erupted into panicked murmurs. But, it was his duty as leader of Haven to keep his composure. Before he could lose the room, he pounded the gavel against the podium for order. “Stay calm,” he instructed. “Everyone stay calm! Quiet down now!”

  Captain Cass stood from where she’d still been crouching next to Redbeard. “That … that doesn’t make sense. How could they possibly manage to find us out here?”

  Redbeard leapt to his feet, faster than Tone E would have ever imagined a man of his size could move. He pointed a thick finger toward Djerke. “Traitor!” he roared. “Tha’ traitor led ‘em ‘ere! It’s tha only explanation! He’s gotta tracker on ‘em!”

  Djerke lifted his bound hands in a gesture of innocence. “It wasn’t me!” he protested.

  Tone E frowned. Indeed, it couldn’t have been him. Upon learning of his betrayal, the first thing they’d done before allowing Djerke to set foot on Haven for trial was check the man for tracking devices. They had been very, very thorough in their search. And, in fact, they had found one—which Djerke had adamantly insisted he had not known about … but then they’d destroyed it. And promptly relocated to an entirely different unoccupied sector of space.

  It couldn’t have been him.

  Unless we missed something…?

  But they’d have to sort that out later. There was no time for that kind of thing now. “It doesn’t matter how they found us,” Tone E said. “We’ll launch that investigation later.” He sighed heavily and shook his head. Everything he’d worked so hard to build here … all about to be destroyed. “I always feared this day would come. Well,” he looked to Norman, “you know what to do.”