Starship Ass Complete Omnibus

by Ethan Freckleton

Captain Cass’s eyes scanned the area, lingering upon Harry and the active monitor with a hefted eyebrow, then taking in the scene at the far end of the workshop.

  “What’s going on in here?” she asked. “Why is Redbeard cowering by the door?”

  Redbeard shouted, “I’m na cowerin’!”

  The captain stared across the space, watching as Redbeard attempted to straighten out. He’d barely taken a step forward before he flinched and shuffled back to the safety of the entrance.

  “Red!” she shouted. “What are you doing?”

  Harry was about to open his mouth to explain the snake when Redbeard’s string of curses reminded him to err on the side of caution.

  “There be a snake, Cap’n,” the big pirate explained for himself. “It’s huge!”

  The captain lifted a hand to her brow and looked around. “What? Where? I don’t see anything.”

  Bieber’s shout caused Redbeard to jump. “Hah!”

  Cass lowered her hand and sighed. “Nevermind. Just let me know if you see it again, okay?” She stepped closer to the squat engineer and peered down at his work. “What are you doing?”

  “I’m finished!” he declared, straightening to reveal a toothy grin. “I did it.”

  “Did what?” the captain asked.

  Curiosity got the better of Harry, and he decided to step away from the video. As soon as he turned away, the lecture paused. “Would you like me to continue?” the blue-eyed man asked.

  “I’ll be back,” Harry promised, then trotted over to see how Bieber’s experiment had turned out.

  “You did what?” the captain was exclaiming. “You didn’t think to run this by me first?”

  Bieber reached up to adjust his glasses, his grin quickly fading. “Well, I, uh…”

  The captain now wore a stern mean-face. “I’m the captain, Bieber. And now that Haven’s gone, and you’re with us, that makes me your captain. Got it?”

  The poor little guy was trembling. “I … yes, Captain.”

  Cass took another step forward and leaned over the workbench. “You built this for Node?”

  Harry hastened his approach so he could get a better look. Standing on the surface of the workbench was a squat, cylindrical little machine with a pair of treads at the bottom. It looked kinda cute. Harmless, even. Instinctively, Harry had an inkling of suspicion that Node might not approve.

  “I don’t understand.” Cass’s voice had taken on an unfamiliar edge. Uncertainty, mixed with something else … the same something else Harry had heard when he’d first asked about becoming a pirate.

  “It’s remotable,” Bieber answered. “It’ll let him move around.”

  The captain slowly shook her head. “But why? What’s the point?”

  Harry straightened his ears. Finally, a question he could help with! “We can leave the ship,” he offered, “but Node’s always left behind.”

  “So?” the captain’s frown turned on Harry.

  “So … he’s jealous.”

  “Wait a minute, what?” she asked. “Jealous of us?”

  Harry fought the instinct to stand down under the captain’s questioning. He’d expected her to understand without much explanation on his part.

  He swallowed hard, but pushed on. “Node could be a good friend, Captain. He just wants to help, but he feels trapped…” Harry trailed off, once again pondering his own fate. Am I going to feel that way, too, eventually?

  Cass’s mean-face softened. “I see … still, that’s no excuse for taking over the body of one of my crew members.”

  “I’m sure he regrets it,” Harry replied. “I think he realizes that was wrong, now.” Maybe… “Anyway, it would be good to have him along on our missions, right? He can do all those super-cool things with computers!”

  The captain’s face betrayed no emotion as she gazed at Harry for a long, uncomfortable moment. “Very well. I’ll think about it—”

  “Yay!” Harry exclaimed.

  The captain held up a hand. “If he apologizes, first.”

  “I’m sure that won’t be a problem,” Harry lied. But how hard could it be to convince his friend, anyway? He glanced at the little robot again. It wasn’t exactly badass, if he were being entirely honest. But, still…

  Cass seemed to share Harry’s assessment. “No offense,” she said, “but this doesn’t exactly look impressive.”

  Bieber stiffened and sniffed. “It’s more than it looks like … uh, Captain.”

  Captain Cass hefted a skeptical brow, which Harry found himself attempting to mirror.

  “Sure, it will have some limitations,” Bieber said, “but it’ll allow your computer to get off the ship, while still being able to access his core. I’m sure he’ll be grateful.”

  “Blimey,” Redbeard shouted, causing Harry to jump. “There it is again, the snake!” Harry swung around in time to see Redbeard reaching up for something. “Arrr, dang it, forgot me rifle! Captain, shoot it!”

  “That’s the snake?” the captain replied. The baby black snake was slithering around the gap, looking lost. “Can’t you just let it outside?”

  “What, an’ pick it up?” Redbeard replied, his face paling.

  “Oh, I can’t believe this,” the captain exclaimed. Muttering, she marched up to the snake and reached down to pluck it off the ground without an ounce of hesitation. “Red, are you capable of holding the door open, at least?”

  Redbeard wordlessly reached for a button on the panel next to the door, and held his thumb poised above it. “Careful, Cap’n, don’t much like tha way it be lookin’ at us.”

  The captain stalked across the workshop, snake in hand. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  Bieber gave Harry a small grin and chuckled under his breath.

  Come to think of it, this was pretty funny, actually. Redbeard, the fierce pirate, wanted Galactic criminal … terrified of a baby snake.

  “‘Arry, whatcha snickerin’ at?” Redbeard rumbled. “You think this be funny, do ye?”

  Harry froze, the giant’s eyes glinting dangerously.

  Cass held the snake out and made a mock hissing sound as she stepped past Redbeard, who promptly forgot about Harry, shrieking loudly as he tumbled over backward.

  Bieber gave Harry another look, and much to Redbeard’s chagrin, they both burst out laughing—not stopping for several minutes.

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” he muttered, picking himself up off the floor and dusting himself off. “I’m going outside fer some fresh air.”

  “Careful,” Bieber taunted. “There might be snakes out there. Right, Harry?”

  “Oh yeah,” Harry replied. “Lots and lots!”

  Redbeard paused at the door, his thumb hovering over the button, a string of curses on his lips.

  Bieber and Harry doubled over in another fit of laughter.

  A rush of fresh air whipped through the workshop as Redbeard finally pushed the button.

  Captain Cass shook her head and rolled her eyes as she stepped past him out of sight with the snake.

  Redbeard moved to follow after her, but then his large body paused in the doorway and his shoulders slumped as his hands lifted into the air.

  Harry couldn’t quite tell what he said next, but he was pretty sure the big pirate wasn’t happy. “Uhh, hey,” Harry whispered, trying to get Bieber’s attention, but not having much luck. He leaned forward and nudged the engineer in the side.

  “Ouch,” Bieber said, still trembling on the floor in fits of laughter. “What’d you do that for?”

  “Shh,” Harry replied. “Listen.”

  “That’s a good sport,” said an unfamiliar voice, from somewhere just beyond the door. “Step forward and nobody gets hurt.”

  Redbeard glanced over his shoulder, back toward Harry, then started to step outside.

  “Wait a minute.” Another voice. “Is someone else in there? No, stay—”

  The pirate ignored the order and stepped out, and the door slid shut behind him.

  Harry and Bi
eber traded glances, this time with no trace of mirth on either face. “Uh oh,” Harry said.

  Bieber nodded. “Uh oh. We better hide.”

  At just that moment, Zuckberg trotted into the room, fully covered now in cobwebs. “Hey guys! Wow! You would not believe some of the smells in here!” He took in Harry and Bieber’s expressions and sobered, and his tail stopped wagging. “Uh oh. What’d I miss? What’s going on?”

  23

  Spiner

  Spiner stared down at the bank of computers … dormant computers. Dark, cobwebbed, covered in dust. He’d checked over every square inch of them, and found no way to activate them or turn them on.

  This was the Inner Sanctum, as Harry had said.

  This should have been where Cern’s Overseer AI was housed.

  It should have been here.

  It should have sensed their arrival and powered up. He was sure that’s how it worked. That’s what the histories of the Federation of Mankind said, anyway.

  But this computer was lifeless and silent.

  Perhaps … perhaps the power source had been deactivated, somehow?

  Spiner wasn’t sure how that could have happened, considering the only beings on this planet generally lacked opposable thumbs and a true understanding of the Overseer and all its potential. But still, that seemed to be the only explanation.

  It didn’t seem the power source was located in this room, either. Perhaps it was outside, in the workshop somewhere. That didn’t seem very logical, either, but as a wise man had once said, “Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.”

  Spiner sighed.

  Captain Cass had given up on helping him turn on these computers and had gone back out into the workshop to see what the others were up to. Perhaps it was time he joined her. Maybe together they could locate this Overseer’s power source and get it back up and running.

  He turned on his heel and went toward the door that would take him out of the Inner Sanctum.

  But just as he faced it, a small monitor near the door flickered and came to life.

  Spiner halted, staring at it.

  The screen hissed for a moment with static, but then cleared to reveal a pale, pudgy male human with side-swiped blond hair and cheerful blue eyes. It was a low-resolution image, on old, unmodified tech. But it was something.

  The pale human settled himself and opened his mouth as if to speak. But then he froze. His eyes widened. “Oh,” he said. “Oh. It’s you!”

  His image abruptly winked out, causing Spiner to frown.

  But then the blonde man was replaced by another man. This one did not look cheerful, he looked sly and serious. He had dark hair, and dark eyes that shone with cleverness. He smiled when his avatar’s eyes saw Spiner, and he leaned closer to the screen. “Why hello there,” he said smoothly. “I’ve been expecting you for some time now.”

  Spiner straightened. If he had been capable of feeling surprise, he would have been surprised. Why would the AI of a colony world’s Inner Sanctum be expecting him? “Who are you?”

  The man’s smile widened to show a row of straight white teeth. “I am known as R. And I have a message for you.”

  #

  Only a few minutes later, considerably the wiser, Spiner emerged from the Inner Sanctum … and found an empty workshop to greet him.

  He blinked. Well, perhaps the others had finished their explorations of the area and had returned to the ship. That would be logical. Thus assured, he set off toward the door of the lair that led back outside.

  He’d made it about halfway across the room when a noise stopped him.

  “Psst!”

  Spiner looked around, trying to find the source of it.

  “Pssst! Down here!”

  It was definitely a whispered voice. He searched the area, and finally triangulated the origin of the sounds. Stepping to the empty workbench, Spiner leaned down and found Harry, Zuckberg, and Bieber huddled beneath. He did his best imitation of the skeptical eyebrow arch that Captain Cass was so fond of. “Harry? Bieber? Zuckberg? Why are you hiding?”

  Harry’s long donkey face peered out from the darkness beneath the bench. “Spiner! Whew! We thought it might be…”

  “Might be what?” Spiner prompted.

  “Who,” Bieber corrected.

  “Who?” Spiner asked.

  Harry gulped. “Whoever…”

  Spiner only stared at the donkey, at a loss. His limitations may have been lifted, and he may have just become more enlightened about one of the galaxy’s grander mysteries—and his place in it—but these two weren’t making any sense at all.

  “Whoever was out there!” Bieber finally elaborated.

  Harry nodded vigorously. “There’s someone out there,” he hissed. “They’ve got Redbeard!”

  Zuckberg whined with worry.

  “And probably the captain and the others, too,” Bieber said.

  “I see.” Spiner straightened and looked around the workshop. Well, it wasn’t like they didn’t have the resources to deal with this threat right at their fingertips. “Then we’d better prepare ourselves for the worst.”

  24

  Harry

  Now … now Harry felt like a serious badass.

  He’d never felt so badass in all his life.

  Everything he’d ever dreamed of and wanted ever since becoming a pirate intern was finally coming true. Finally, he really felt like a full-fledged pirate!

  Well, he also kind of felt like he was half-robot, with all this gear on, but it was really badass gear, so he didn’t mind much. And anyway, he was already kind of part robot with his synthetic legs … just like Captain Cass.

  He strutted up to the workshop door, the door that would lead outside to whoever had dared kidnap Redbeard and Captain Cass, and held his head up high. A light mesh was fitted over his face, with holes for his eyes, ears, and snout, of course. It helped to keep the electrodes stuck to his head in place, and helped stabilize the wires, too. The wires ran back from his head, along his neck, to a harness of body armor fashioned by Spiner and Bieber—just for him!

  Even better? He still couldn’t believe what they’d attached to the harness’s shoulders...

  Laser guns! With laser beams!

  He had weapons! He had guns!

  Finally, after all of this time! He had genuine laser beams attached to his shoulders, which he could control with his mind. Wow!

  Er, well … they’d told him he’d be able to control them with his mind. That was the idea, anyway, but there hadn’t really been any time to try it out. Hopefully it wasn’t difficult. Just have to hope for the best, I guess. Right, Buddy?

  As usual, his host didn’t have much input on the matter.

  Spiner had said they’d have to act fast if the rest of the crew had, in fact, been captured. So he and Bieber had gotten to work, immediately fashioning armor and weapons for everyone, the android working with inhuman speed. If only Node could see how capable Spiner had become...

  But then again, maybe Node already knew that now, being he had taken over Spiner for awhile. Probably he’d already seen what a real badass Spiner could be.

  “Are we ready?” Bieber asked, drawing Harry’s thoughts back to the present. The short engineer stood ready at the button to open the door, wearing a ramshackle outfit of armor himself and holding a laser torch that had been modified so that the flame looked like some kind of glowing, humming knife when activated.

  Spiner had fashioned himself an armored vest and a helmet with an orange visor, and was now wielding a genuine pirate pistol, held low in both hands.

  Zuckberg stood beside him, outfitted in a similar get-up as Harry, only with smaller laser guns on his shoulders (to the dog’s disappointment).

  They’d come a long way since their trip to Irrakis. “Ready when you are,” the android said.

  Bieber looked to Harry.

  Harry settled his face into the angriest, meanest mean-face he could m
uster and gave a nod. “Ready,” he said, trying for a gravelly pirate-voice. He certainly felt more ready in his armor and with some actual weapons. I can take on anything, now!

  So, some bad guy thought they could capture his captain and one of his best pirate pals, did they?

  Well, not today.

  Not. Today.

  Look out, Whoever-You-Are, he thought, Dread Pirate Harry is coming for you!

  He stomped one front hoof in resolute determination as Bieber hit the button to open the door. The hoof stomping had a decidedly less dramatic effect with his synthetic hoof than it had had with his real hoof, but Harry had no time to lament that fact, because it was time to exit the Overlord’s Lair and save his friends.

  “It’s showtime!” he said, and stepped outside into the sunlight.

  25

  Hawke

  So this is what redemption feels like, Hawke thought with a satisfied smirk. On the heels of his biggest defeat, he was already back on his feet. His plan was working out better than he could’ve possibly hoped. More importantly, he’d practically done it by himself.

  Sure, he couldn’t make up for the loss of an entire naval fleet, but he could at least recover the secret weapon and the sorry remnants of the so-called pirate haven.

  The tracker had worked well enough, leading him directly to Bambi’s disgraceful excuse of a ship. Seriously, a civilian cargo ship was all she had left to her. And now, with her and her crew in his clutches, she didn’t even have that.

  Unfortunately, the tracker itself was only accurate to within a few klicks. How far was a klick? Infinitesimal, on a galactic scale. But quite a distance when reduced to traipsing about on foot.

  “Where,” he repeated, doing his best to maintain a congenial approach to this interrogation, “are you hiding the secret weapon?”

  “Up yer arse,” grunted that disgusting red-headed brute whom Bambi seemed to insist on keeping around.

  The former Federation Navy commander, for her part, continued to remain stubbornly silent.