Starship Ass Complete Omnibus

by Ethan Freckleton

  Buddy was almost full on grass and twilight was upon them by the time Harry heard the whir of Captain Cass’s mechanical leggings again. He stirred himself from his absent wonderings and resumed control of Buddy, so he might look up.

  Most of the rest of the crew appeared to have fallen asleep, even Kitt in her spot near the prisoners. Hawke and McGee were also asleep, propped back-to-back against each other for support. Redbeard was snoring loudly. Spiner was perfectly still sitting on his stump, and Harry wondered if he’d temporarily shut down. Zuckberg let out another fart.

  Only Bieber still appeared active … Harry could see his flashlight beam still moving around under the ship.

  The captain strode up to her crew in the quiet darkness of dusk on Cern and clapped her hands. “Aren’t we a lively bunch?” she said loudly, which had the intended effect of shattering the peacefulness of the moment.

  Kitt yowled and sprang to her feet in one smooth motion, claws extended, teeth bared, and fur fluffed.

  Redbeard, surprisingly fast himself, surged to his feet, though much less gracefully, and groped clumsily for the pistol at his hip. “Huh? Wha’s happenin’?” he slurred.

  Zuckberg and Spiner stirred a moment later, each turning to look toward Captain Cass; Zuckberg with his ears perked forward, and Spiner with a questioning look.

  Hawke and McGee awoke with a start, seemed to forget they were tied up, struggled for a moment, and then gave up, sagging back against each other with looks of disappointment.

  Something clanged from over by the Girlboss, and then Bieber yelled, “Ouch!”

  Captain Cass crossed her arms and looked them all over one by one. “I see you all have been very productive while I’ve been inside doing checks on the ship.”

  Redbeard blinked at her.

  Kitt slowly retracted her claws, sulking. “It’s been a long time since I’ve feasted like that. Fresh meat makes me sleepy.”

  “Aye, me too,” Redbeard said.

  Zuckberg farted again. He turned his head to look at his own bottom, ears twitching and tongue lolling. “Apparently it makes me gassy.”

  Cass rolled her eyes and moved away from the dog. “That much is obvious.” She paced past the fire pit, then turned and came back again, running her hands up through her dark hair.

  Harry tilted his head at this behavior. He’d never really seen her do this before. It almost seemed like maybe she was—

  “Captain?” Spiner inquired quietly. “Is something wrong? Your heart rate and breathing pattern are accelerated.”

  Concerned, Harry blinked and stepped forward.

  “Sure,” Cass said. “I’m fine. It’s just that … well, while you all were napping, I got a transmission from The Big T.”

  This brought everyone fully awake, if they weren’t already, except for Hawke and McGee, who only frowned in confusion.

  It was funny how after just a little time back home, even with Hawke’s interruption, Harry had almost managed to forget about their abrupt departure from Haven. Harry had been fortunate enough to have a ‘home’ to return to, but how many more pirates had lost everything? One mention of Tone E Robbins, and Harry was all too aware again of why they were back on his homeworld.

  Bieber came waddling over from whatever he’d been doing on the Girlboss, lifting a tinted visor from over his face. “Tone E?” he asked eagerly. “How is he? Where is he? What’d he say?”

  Cass held up her hands for the engineer to calm down.

  The rest of her crew drew in closer around her, their curiosity piqued.

  “He’s calling all available and willing pirates to his aid,” Cass said. “He’s planning a revenge assault on the Grand COG.”

  Redbeard let out a whoop that echoed across the field. “‘Bout damn time! When do we leave?”

  Cass held up a hand toward Redbeard this time. “Now, wait, Red. We still have the Zeta Protocol to consider.”

  Kitt hissed, her claws extending again. “Forget that, let’s shred some Feds!”

  “Aye, arrrr!” Redbeard shouted. “Tha’s it, me kitten!”

  Cass shook her head. “I’m afraid it’s not quite that simple.”

  “Eh?” Redbeard asked. “Why not? We don’ have anythin’ we need ta be doin’ here, tha’s fer sure!”

  “That’s right,” Kitt added. “We were just going to lay low until a new Haven was found, anyway. Why not spend that time more … productively?”

  “Aye, arrrr,” Redbeard agreed, nodding vigorously. “I’ve enjoyed me naps in the grass, Cap’n, aye, and some good, fresh red meat. But I ain’t meant to be jus’ lazin’ about overly long.” He gestured a hand at Cass. “Neither are ye. We’re pirates! We’re meant to be out thar,” now his hand flung up toward the sky, “plunderin’ and pillagin’!”

  “Yes!” Kitt said. It seemed the two of them were working each other up into greater and greater excitement at this prospect. The homo lyncis sapien bounded over toward Redbeard and jumped up into his arms, then crawled around to perch upon his massive shoulders. “The Big T needs our help, Captain! Those bastards destroyed our home … it’s time we showed them what happens when they pull the cat’s tail.”

  “Or take the snow snake’s eggs!” Redbeard hollered.

  Zuckberg jumped to his feet, apparently catching the enthusiasm himself. His tail wagged furiously. “Or steal the dog’s bone!”

  Swept up in the excitement of the moment, Harry let out a bray. “Hee-haw! Or kick the hornet’s nest!”

  Everyone turned to look at him.

  Harry took an uncertain step backward, and his enthusiasm waned. “What? You’ve never done that? It’s … terrible.” He shuddered at the memory.

  Redbeard blinked and turned his attention back to Captain Cass. “C’mon, Cap’n. Ya know the Big T needs all the help he can get if he’s gonna go up against that golden bastard.”

  Cass sighed heavily. She rubbed a hand across her forehead. “I know, Red. And normally I’d be right there with you. But … well, it’s just that—”

  “You were the one chosen to find the new Haven,” Spiner said abruptly.

  All eyes turned toward him in surprise.

  He finally stood from his stump and nodded toward the captain. “Weren’t you?”

  All eyes turned toward Captain Cass.

  She stared at him for a heartbeat, but then exhaled explosively. “Yes.”

  There was a long moment of shocked silence. Then Redbeard muttered, “Blimey.”

  “So,” the captain said, “if we go help Tone E now, that means finding a new location for Haven will be delayed...” She wiped her palms against the hips of her power armor, then drummed her fingers against the casing. “I was thinking of maybe declaring Cern as our new home...”

  Harry’s ears perked up. His homeworld as the new pirate base? Imagine that!

  “...but after they showed up,” she twisted to glare down at Hawke and McGee, “I started to rethink that idea.”

  Harry’s ears fell again. Oh well. He remembered the mixed welcome he’d received from the Elder Council, and how they’d managed to bring up the cow tipping incident, again, no matter how subtle the reference might have been. His head lowered as yet another wash of shame coursed over him. Well, he probably didn’t want the new Haven to be here, anyway. Did he?

  “Effin’ Feds,” Redbeard cursed. “How’d ye be findin’ us way out ‘ere, anyway?” When neither Hawke nor McGee answered, the burly pirate surged forward and kicked at their feet. “Hey! I be askin’ ye a question, ya no-good Feds!”

  Hawke strained against his bonds, attempting a mean face that fell well short of Redbeard’s malice. “Assaulting a captive, really? Not very classy.”

  “Oy, class? I’ll be showin’ ye class!” Redbeard reared his leg back, drawing a loud reprimand from the captain.

  “Red!” she shouted.

  Redbeard pulled his kick up short at her warning. Losing his momentum, he struggled to keep his balance and ended up tipping over and colla
psing onto his bottom. Eyes widening in surprise, he twisted on the ground and attempted to regain his footing. Finally, huffing, he stood, wiping dirt and ash off his leggings as he glared at the prisoners.

  “So,” he muttered, then trailed off.

  Kitt, who had stalked up to face Hawke, picked up the slack as she extended her sharp claws. “You were going to tell us how you found us here.”

  McGee swore (very unbecoming for a man of the Federation!) and Hawke struggled against the ropes again, as Zuckberg jogged over and attempted to jam his nose into the space intersecting their rear-ends and the dirt below.

  “Give up your secrets,” came Zuckberg’s muffled demand. “C’mon, stop wiggling!” A moment later, he lifted his snout, the tip covered in grass. His characteristic grin faltered as his tail fell low. “Huh...”

  Captain Cass regarded the spectacle with an impassive gaze. “Well?”

  “I can’t believe it,” Zuckberg said, his voice flat, then he let out a growl as he regarded his former handler, McGee. “How could you?”

  McGee’s face fell.

  Zuckberg shoved his snout in McGee’s face, his fangs bared. “I thought you just said we were pals! You told me the veterinarian was my friend. That they had to remove that sock, or I’d get really sick!”

  “That was true!” McGee protested. “I didn’t know about the rest of it!”

  “Know about what?” demanded Captain Cass, starting to look annoyed.

  Hawke sighed. “Look, I’d like to get some sleep at some point. Here’s the deal: I ordered the vet to plant a tracker … in the folds of the secret weapon’s large intestine.”

  Zuckberg turned his attention to Hawke, and barked in his face. “You shit-eating, lonely failure of a former Federation officer—how dare you!”

  “Former?” asked Cass, her eyes wide with surprise, then her features relaxed into a smile. “They punished you for losing your precious flagship, didn’t they?”

  Hawke slumped, his chin falling to his chest, and said nothing.

  McGee heaved a sad sigh. “Look, Zuck, I’m sorry, I didn’t know about the tracker. But I’m not with the Federation anymore, either, okay? And I wasn’t kicked out, like that loser,” he jerked his head in Hawke’s direction. “I left on my own.”

  “You did?” Captain Cass looked surprised again.

  “Yeah.”

  Zuckberg growled in his face, clearly still upset. “Just shut up!”

  The dog handler gulped and closed his mouth.

  Redbeard’s shoulders started to shake, then he broke out into laughter. “Look at ‘im!” He pointed at Hawke. “Be takin’ a special talent ta get booted out of tha Effin’ Federation!”

  There was general sniggering from the gathered group of pirates, all except for Spiner, but then Captain Cass held up a hand for silence. “Okay, okay. That’s enough entertainment at the Blowhard’s expense. Let’s refocus.” She turned to Kitt. “Kitt, can you work on something that will enable us to locate exactly where that tracker is?”

  She nodded. “Of course, Captain. Shouldn’t be too difficult, now that I know what I’m looking for and know the general area it’s in.”

  “Excellent. Um. Does anyone here have medical experience?”

  Only silence met her inquiry.

  “Okay, great. Well, I guess that means we’ll need to work on some kind of shielding or scrambling device to hide the tracker’s output until we can get Zuckberg to a vet for tracker extraction.”

  Zuckberg growled again, but the captain ignored him.

  Bieber stepped forward. “I can work on that, Captain.”

  “I could do such a thing as well, Captain,” Kitt was quick to add.

  “Fantastic.” Cass rubbed her hands together. “Okay then, that problem is taken care of. Now, on to the next problem … if we help the Big T, all those pirates out there now, drifting aimlessly without a home, will be homeless all that much longer. And … well, we have to also consider the fact that there's a chance we don’t make it back from this mission alive.”

  There was another stretch of silence at this grim statement.

  It was broken by a loud fart from Zuckberg. “Damn it, sorry, it must be that thing those savages shoved up my ass!”

  Harry sidled further away from Zuckberg and swallowed hard, trying not to breathe in too deeply. He thought of all the other pirates who must be out there right now, somewhere, probably feeling as lost and lonely as he had in his exile, before he’d been abducted.

  Then he thought of Tone E Robbins, the charismatic pirate leader who’d believed in him right from the start. Who’d let Harry stay in Haven, and who had arranged veterinary care for Buddy when he’d really needed it. Brief though his stay had been, Harry had felt more welcome in Haven than he ever really had on Cern.

  “As tempting as revenge might be,” Captain Cass was saying, “we can’t neglect our duty to find the pirates of the galaxy a new home.”

  Harry’s gaze fell on the Federation officers, or former Federation officers, still tied up and looking rather glum. They had followed Captain Cass and his friends all the way here. All the way to Cern, a peaceful, backwater world completely lacking in Gods—or, er, humans—except for a tiny pirate crew. It seemed the hand of the Federation could reach anywhere.

  Something in his chest hardened at that realization, as he glared at the two men tied up on the grass. Maybe not all of the Federation people were that bad, but the Grand COG had just blown up an entire space station. And the Federation had been trying to shoot up the SS Bray and kill his friends an awful lot lately. Harry was getting pretty tired of that, actually.

  He stepped forward. “Captain?”

  She turned to look at him, eyebrow raised. “Yes, Harry?”

  “I … well, I was just thinking…” He glanced toward Hawke and McGee again. “I think we may always be homeless, as long as the Federation is out there looking to destroy us.”

  Everyone was looking at him now, and Redbeard’s lips almost seemed to tremble beneath the mat of wild red beard. His dark eyes glistened as he gave Harry a solemn nod. “Aye, ‘Arry. Aye. Tha’s a proper pirate thing to say, right thar, arrrr.”

  Harry tried to offer him a smile in appreciation of the support, but it weakened beneath the captain’s scrutiny. She was looking hard at him … but she didn’t exactly look angry. Or upset. She just seemed to be weighing his words, perhaps. Her fingers drummed against the casing of her leggings again. “You know, Harry,” she said at last, “you might be right.”

  28

  Harry

  It felt so good to hear those words, you might be right. Being a full-fledged pirate kept getting better and better, as far as he was concerned. And he wasn’t the only one feeling uplifted at the moment: Redbeard and Kitt had both let out yowls of excitement, and Zuckberg ran circles around them, barking.

  Bieber grimaced and slapped his hands over his stubby ears.

  “Okay, okay!” Cass yelled over the ruckus. “Calm down! We’re not leaving this instant!”

  The noises of elation quieted, and Zuckberg stopped running abruptly. He paused in the grass to look at the captain, one paw lifted as if he were prepared to take off again at any second.

  “We’re not?” Redbeard asked.

  “No,” Cass said. “We need a plan first, like always. You know that. If we’re going to go straight into the jaws of the Federation itself, we can’t go willy-nilly. We’re the keepers of the Zeta Protocol … which means we need to make sure we live through this encounter.”

  Living would definitely be a big bonus, Harry had to admit.

  Kitt gave a mewl. “Aye, Captain.”

  “Right,” Bieber said, definitely not sounding as enthusiastic as Redbeard and Kitt had about this whole idea. “So. We’re going to fly into a direct confrontation with the Grand COG, the Center-of-the-Galaxy himself. What exactly would be your plan to survive a mission like that?”

  Captain Cass chewed her lip, then paced a short line in front
of the darkened fire pit. “Well … it’s not like we’ll be the only ship massing for this assault. The Big T is gathering up most of the homeless pirates, far as I can tell. The Grand COG pissed off a lot of people by blowing up Haven. Everyone is anxious for revenge. If we all converge on the same location at the same time, the Federation will have a hard time intercepting and tracking—or shooting—all of us. That’s the theory, at least.”

  Bieber crossed his arms and looked up at the captain with a skeptical gaze. “Ah. So you’re just counting on chance to keep us alive then?”

  Cass stopped pacing abruptly and rounded on the squat engineer. “Of course not,” she snapped, and Harry took a step back at her tone. “But please, if you have something to contribute to this planning session, do speak up.”

  Bieber had also recoiled at her sharp tone, and now wrung his small hands together as she, along with Kitt and Redbeard, glared at him. “Uh…”

  “I’m afraid I will not be able to join you on this mission,” Spiner said suddenly.

  The captain’s glare faltered and she blinked, then switched her gaze to the android. “I’m sorry, come again?”

  Spiner clasped his hands behind his back and straightened his shoulders. “I regret to inform you that I will not be able to join you in this next mission, Captain. I have a pressing matter I must see to elsewhere.”

  There was silence as Captain Cass only stared at the android.

  Harry didn’t understand, either. What could possibly be more pressing than helping your friends?

  Redbeard practically asked the same thing. “Blimey,” he muttered. “What could be more important than takin’ it to tha Effin’ Feds?”

  No one answered him, not even Spiner, who kept his blank black gaze on the captain.

  Captain Cass, for her part, seemed to finally process Spiner’s words. She held up a hand, then rubbed at the bridge of her nose. “Wait. Spiner … you’re telling me you’re not coming with us? And you need to go somewhere else … right now?”