Piccadilly Jim

by P. G. Wodehouse

  CHAPTER XI

  JIMMY DECIDES TO BE HIMSELF

  It was less than a quarter of an hour later--such was the speedwith which Nemesis, usually slow, had overtaken him--that JerryMitchell, carrying a grip and walking dejectedly, emerged fromthe back premises of the Pett home and started down RiversideDrive in the direction of his boarding-house, a cheap, clean, andrespectable establishment situated on Ninety-seventh Streetbetween the Drive and Broadway. His usually placid nervous systemwas ruffled and a-quiver from the events of the afternoon, andhis cauliflower ears still burned reminiscently at therecollection of the uncomplimentary words shot at them by Mrs.Pett before she expelled him from the house. Moreover, he was ina mild panic at the thought of having to see Ann later on and tryto explain the disaster to her. He knew how the news would affecther. She had set her heart on removing Ogden to more disciplinarysurroundings, and she could not possibly do it now that her allywas no longer an inmate of the house. He was an essential factorin the scheme, and now, to gratify the desire of the moment, hehad eliminated himself. Long before he reached the brown-stonehouse, which looked exactly like all the other brown-stone housesin all the other side-streets of uptown New York, the first finecareless rapture of his mad outbreak had passed from JerryMitchell, leaving nervous apprehension in its place. Ann was agirl whom he worshipped respectfully, but he feared her in herwrath.

  Having entered the boarding-house, Jerry, seeking company in hishour of sorrow, climbed the stairs till he reached a door on thesecond floor. Sniffing and detecting the odour of tobacco, heknocked and was bidden to enter.

  "Hello, Bayliss!" he said sadly, having obeyed the call.

  He sat down on the end of the bed and heaved a deep sigh.

  The room which he had entered was airy but small, so small,indeed, that the presence of any furniture in it at all wasalmost miraculous, for at first sight it seemed incredible thatthe bed did not fill it from side to side. There were however, afew vacant spots, and in these had been placed a wash-stand, achest of drawers, and a midget rocking-chair. The window, whichthe thoughtful architect had designed at least three sizes toolarge for the room and which admitted the evening air in pleasingprofusion, looked out onto a series of forlorn back-yards. Inboarding-houses, it is only the windows of the rich and haughtythat face the street.

  On the bed, a corn-cob pipe between his teeth, lay Jimmy Crocker.He was shoeless and in his shirt-sleeves. There was a crumpledevening paper on the floor beside the bed. He seemed to be takinghis rest after the labours of a trying day.

  At the sound of Jerry's sigh he raised his head, but, finding theattitude too severe a strain on the muscles of the neck, restoredit to the pillow.

  "What's the matter, Jerry? You seem perturbed. You have theaspect of one whom Fate has smitten in the spiritual solarplexus, or of one who has been searching for the leak in Life'sgaspipe with a lighted candle. What's wrong?"

  "Curtains!"

  Jimmy, through long absence from his native land, was not alwaysable to follow Jerry's thoughts when concealed in the wrappingsof the peculiar dialect which he affected.

  "I get you not, friend. Supply a few footnotes."

  "I've been fired."

  Jimmy sat up. This was no imaginary trouble, no mere _malaise_of the temperament. It was concrete, and called for sympathy.

  "I'm awfully sorry," he said. "No wonder you aren't rollicking.How did it happen?"

  "That half-portion Bill Taft came joshing me about my beezer tillit got something fierce," explained Jerry. "William J. Bryancouldn't have stood for it."

  Once again Jimmy lost the thread. The wealth of politicalallusion baffled him.

  "What's Taft been doing to you?"

  "It wasn't Taft. He only looks like him. It was that kid Ogden upwhere I work. He came butting into the gym, joshing meabout--makin' pers'nal remarks till I kind of lost my goat, andthe next thing I knew I was giving him his!" A faint gleam ofpleasure lightened the gloom of his face. "I cert'nly give himhis!" The gleam faded. "And after that--well, here I am!"

  Jimmy understood now. He had come to the boarding-house the nightof his meeting with Jerry Mitchell on Broadway, and had beenthere ever since, and frequent conversations with the pugilisthad put him abreast of affairs at the Pett home. He was familiarwith the _personnel_ of the establishment on Riverside Drive,and knew precisely how great was the crime of administeringcorrection to Ogden Ford, no matter what the cause. Nor did herequire explanation of the phenomenon of Mrs. Pett dismissing onewho was in her husband's private employment. Jerry had hissympathy freely.

  "You appear," he said, "to have acted in a thoroughly capable andpraiseworthy manner. The only point in your conduct which I wouldpermit myself to criticise is your omission to slay the kid.That, however, was due, I take it, to the fact that you wereinterrupted. We will now proceed to examine the future. I cannotsee that it is altogether murky. You have lost a good job, butthere are others, equally good, for a man of your calibre. NewYork is crammed with dyspeptic millionaires who need an efficientphysical instructor to look after them. Cheer up, Cuthbert, forthe sun is still shining!"

  Jerry Mitchell shook his head. He refused to be comforted.

  "It's Miss Ann," he said. "What am I going to say to her?"

  "What has she got to do with it?" asked Jimmy, interested.

  For a moment Jerry hesitated, but the desire for sympathy andadvice was too strong for him. And after all there was no harm inconfiding in a good comrade like Jimmy.

  "It's like this," he said. "Miss Ann and me had got it all fixedup to kidnap the kid!"

  "What!"

  "Say, I don't mean ordinary kidnapping. It's this way. Miss Anncome to me and we agree that the kid's a pest that had ought tohave some strong-arm keep him in order, so we decide to get himaway to a friend of mine who keeps a dogs' hospital down on LongIsland. Bud Smithers is the guy to handle that kid. You ought tosee him take hold of a dog that's all grouch and ugliness andmake it over into a dog that it's a pleasure to have around. Ithought a few weeks with Bud was what the doctor ordered forOgden, and Miss Ann guessed I was right, so we had it all framed.And now this happens and balls everything up! She can't donothing with a husky kid like that without me to help her. Andhow am I going to help her if I'm not allowed in the house?"

  Jimmy was conscious of a renewed admiration for a girl whom hehad always considered a queen among women. How rarely in thisworld did one find a girl who combined every feminine charm ofmind and body with a resolute determination to raise Cain at theslightest provocation!

  "What an absolutely corking idea!"

  Jerry smirked modestly at the approbation, but returned instantlyto his gloom.

  "You get me now? What am I to say to her? She'll be sore!"

  "The problem," Jimmy had begun, "is one which, as you suggest,presents certain--" when there was a knock at the door and thehead of the boarding-house's maid-of-all-work popped in.

  "Mr. Bayliss, is Mr. Mitchell--? Oh, say, Mr. Mitchell, there's alady down below wants to see you. Says her name's Chester."

  Jerry looked at Jimmy appealingly.

  "What'll I do?"

  "Do nothing," said Jimmy, rising and reaching for his shoes."I'll go down and see her. I can explain for you."

  "It's mighty good of you."

  "It will be a pleasure. Rely on me."

  Ann, who had returned from her drive shortly after the Ogdendisaster and had instantly proceeded to the boarding-house, hadbeen shown into the parlour. Jimmy found her staring in a raptway at a statuette of the Infant Samuel which stood near a bowlof wax fruit on the mantelpiece. She was feeling aggrieved withFate and extremely angry with Jerry Mitchell, and she turned atthe sound of the opening door with a militant expression in hereyes, which changed to one of astonishment on perceiving who itwas that had come in.

  "Mr. Bayliss!"

  "Good evening, Miss Chester. We, so to speak, meet again. I havecome as an intermediary. To be brief, Jerry Mitchell daren't faceyou, so I offered to come do
wn instead."

  "But how--but why are you here?"

  "I live here." He followed her gaze. It rested on a picture ofcows in a field. "Late American school," he said. "Attributed tothe landlady's niece, a graduate of the Wissahickon, Pa.Correspondence School of Pictorial Art. Said to be genuine."

  "You _live_ here?" repeated Ann. She had been brought up all herlife among the carefully thought out effects of eminent interiordecorators, and the room seemed more dreadful to her than itactually was. "What an awful room!"

  "Awful? You must be overlooking the piano. Can't you see thehandsome plush cover from where you are standing? Move a littleto the southeast and shade your eyes. We get music here of anevening--when we don't see it coming and sidestep."

  "Why in the name of goodness do you live here, Mr. Bayliss?"

  "Because, Miss Chester, I am infernally hard up! Because theBayliss bank-roll has been stricken with a wasting sickness."

  Ann was looking at him incredulously.

  "But--but--then, did you really mean all that at lunch the otherday? I thought you were joking. I took it for granted that youcould get work whenever you wanted to or you wouldn't have madefun of it like that! Can't you really find anything to do?"

  "Plenty to do. But I'm not paid for it. I walk a great number ofblocks and jump into a great number of cars and dive intoelevators and dive out again and open doors and say 'Goodmorning' when people tell me they haven't a job for me. My daysare quite full, but my pocket-book isn't!"

  Ann had forgotten all about her errand in her sympathy.

  "I'm so sorry. Why, it's terrible! I should have thought youcould have found _something_."

  "I thought the same till the employers of New York in a body toldme I couldn't. Men of widely differing views on religion,politics, and a hundred other points, they were unanimous onthat. The nearest I came to being a financial Titan was when Ilanded a job in a store on Broadway, demonstrating a patentcollar-clip at ten dollars a week. For awhile all Nature seemedto be shouting 'Ten per! Ten per!' than which there are fewsweeter words in the language. But I was fired half-way throughthe second day, and Nature changed her act."

  "But why?"

  "It wasn't my fault. Just Fate. This contrivance was calledKlipstone's Kute Kollar-Klip, and it was supposed to make it easyfor you to fasten your tie. My job was to stand in the window inmy shirt-sleeves, gnashing my teeth and registering baffled ragewhen I tried the old, obsolete method and beaming on themultitude when I used the Klip. Unfortunately I got the cardsmixed. I beamed when I tried the old, obsolete method and nearlyburst myself with baffled fury just after I had exhibited thecard bearing the words 'I will now try Klipstone's Kute Klip.' Icouldn't think what the vast crowd outside the window waslaughing at till the boss, who chanced to pause on the outskirtsof the gathering on his way back from lunch, was good enough totell me. Nothing that I could say would convince him that I wasnot being intentionally humorous. I was sorry to lose the job,though it did make me feel like a goldfish. But talking of beingfired brings us back to Jerry Mitchell."

  "Oh, never mind Jerry Mitchell now--"

  "On the contrary, let us discuss his case and the points arisingfrom it with care and concentration. Jerry Mitchell has told meall!"

  Ann was startled.

  "What do you mean?"

  "The word 'all,'" said Jimmy, "is slang for 'everything.' You seein me a confidant. In a word, I am hep."

  "You know--?"

  "Everything. A colloquialism," explained Jimmy, "for 'all.' AboutOgden, you know. The scheme. The plot. The enterprise."

  Ann found nothing to say.

  "I am thoroughly in favour of the plan. So much so that I proposeto assist you by taking Jerry's place."

  "I don't understand."

  "Do you remember at lunch that day, after that remarkable personhad mistaken me for Jimmy Crocker, you suggested in a light,casual way that if I were to walk into your uncle's office andclaim to be Jimmy Crocker I should be welcomed without aquestion? I'm going to do it. Then, once aboard the lugger--oncein the house, I am at your orders. Use me exactly as you wouldhave used Jerry Mitchell."

  "But--but--!"

  "Jerry!" said Jimmy scornfully. "Can't I do everything that hecould have done? And more. A bonehead like Jerry would have beencertain to have bungled the thing somehow. I know him well. Agood fellow, but in matters requiring intellect and swift thoughtdead from the neck up. It's a very lucky thing he is out of therunning. I love him like a brother, but his dome is of ivory.This job requires a man of tact, sense, shrewdness, initiative,_esprit_, and _verve_." He paused. "Me!" he concluded.

  "But it's ridiculous! It's out of the question!"

  "Not at all. I must be extraordinarily like Jimmy Crocker, orthat fellow at the restaurant wouldn't have taken me for him.Leave this in my hands. I can get away with it."

  "I shan't dream of allowing you--"

  "At nine o'clock to-morrow morning," said Jimmy firmly, "Ipresent myself at Mr. Pett's office. It's all settled."

  Ann was silent. She was endeavouring to adjust her mind to theidea. Her first startled revulsion from it had begun to wane. Itwas an idea peculiarly suited to her temperament, an idea thatshe might have suggested herself if she had thought of it. Soon,from being disapproving, she found herself glowing withadmiration for its author. He was a young man of her own sort!

  "You asked me on the boat, if you remember," said Jimmy, "if Ihad an adventurous soul. I am now submitting my proofs. You alsospoke highly of America as a land where there were adventures tobe had. I now see that you were right."

  Ann thought for a moment.

  "If I consent to your doing this insane thing, Mr. Bayliss, willyou promise me something?"

  "Anything."

  "Well, in the first place I absolutely refuse to let you risk allsorts of frightful things by coming into this kidnapping plot."She waved him down, and went on. "But I see where you can help mevery much. As I told you at lunch, my aunt would do anything forJimmy Crocker if he were to appear in New York now. I want you topromise that you will confine your activities to asking her tolet Jerry Mitchell come back."

  "Never!"

  "You said you would promise me anything."

  "Anything but that."

  "Then it is all off!"

  Jimmy pondered.

  "It's terribly tame that way."

  "Never mind. It's the only way I will consider."

  "Very well. I protest, though."

  Ann sat down.

  "I think you're splendid, Mr. Bayliss. I'm much obliged!"

  "Not at all."

  "It will be such a splendid thing for Ogden, won't it?"

  "Admirable."

  "Now the only thing to do is just to see that we have goteverything straight. How about this, for instance? They will askyou when you arrived in New York. How are you going to accountfor your delay in coming to see them?"

  "I've thought of that. There's a boat that docks to-morrow--the_Caronia_, I think. I've got a paper upstairs. I'll look it up. Ican say I came by her."

  "That seems all right. It's lucky you and uncle Peter never meton the _Atlantic_."

  "And now as to my demeanour on entering the home? How should Ibehave? Should I be jaunty or humble? What would a long-lostnephew naturally do?"

  "A long-lost nephew with a record like Jimmy Crocker's wouldcrawl in with a white flag, I should think."

  A bell clanged in the hall.

  "Supper!" said Jimmy. "To go into painful details, New Englandboiled dinner, or my senses deceive me, and prunes."

  "I must be going."

  "We shall meet at Philippi."

  He saw her to the door, and stood at the top of the stepswatching her trim figure vanish into the dusk. She passed fromhis sight. Jimmy drew a deep breath, and, thinking hard, wentdown the passage to fortify himself with supper.