The Art of Showing Up
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“Miller has penned a fresh, wise, practical, modern guide for figuring out how to be true to yourself while also meaningfully connected to others. An important contribution to the larger, complicated project of solving loneliness.”—PRIYA PARKER, author of The Art of Gathering
“Rachel’s advice is smart, straightforward, and empathetic. The Art of Showing Up offers a road map to becoming a better friend and happier person. Read this book!”—ALISON GREEN, author of Ask a Manager
“This is an incredibly practical book full of easy yet meaningful ways to develop more friendship and love in your life. Through steps that anyone can do, Rachel helps us find the support that we all crave in our lives and leaves us feeling ever more hopeful!”—SHASTA NELSON, author of Frientimacy
“Rachel Wilkerson Miller has given us a toolbox for strengthening our relationships with one another and with ourselves. This book is the resource that twenty-, thirty-, and forty-somethings were missing—and that we didn’t know we absolutely needed.”—CAROLINE MOSS, coauthor of Hey Ladies! and host of Gee Thanks, Just Bought It
ALSO BY RACHEL WILKERSON MILLER
Dot Journaling—A Practical Guide
THE ART OF SHOWING UP: How to Be There for Yourself and Your People
Copyright © 2020 by Rachel Wilkerson Miller
All rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in newspaper, magazine, radio, television, or online reviews, no portion of this book may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or information storage or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
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This book contains the opinions and ideas of its author. It is intended to provide helpful and informative material on the subjects addressed in the book. It is sold with the understanding that the author and publisher are not engaged in rendering medical, health, or any other kind of personal professional services in the book. The author and publisher specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk—personal or otherwise—that is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this book.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available upon request
ISBN 978-1-61519-661-6
Ebook ISBN 978-1-61519-662-3
Cover and text design by Beth Bugler
Author photograph by Elena Mudd
Manufactured in China
First printing April 2020
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Contents
Cover
Contents
Hello!
Part I: Showing Up for Yourself Chapter 1: Getting to Know Yourself
Chapter 2: Making Space
Chapter 3: Showing Up for Your Body
Chapter 4: Showing Up for Yourself Every Damn Day
Chapter 5: Showing Up for Yourself When Shit Gets Hard
Part II: Showing Up for Others Chapter 6: How to Make Friends
Chapter 7 The Care and Keeping of Friends
Chapter 8: The Art of Noticing
Chapter 9 When They're Going Through Hard Shit
Chapter 10: So, Somebody Fucked Up
Final Thoughts
Notes
Further Reading
Permissions Acknowledgments
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Landmarks
Cover
Contents
Hello!
Hello!
Showing up is what turns the people you know into your people. It’s at the core of creating and maintaining strong, meaningful bonds with friends, family, coworkers, and internet pals. Showing up is the act of bearing witness to people’s joy, pain, and true selves; validating their experiences; easing their load; and communicating that they are not alone in this life. It’s a concept that I experience on such a deep-rooted emotional level, I sometimes struggle to describe it. I know it when I see it, and I’m betting you do, too.
The thing about showing up is that it’s not exactly easy. It doesn’t just happen; it takes intentionality, effort, and practice. And truly showing up for others requires you to do something that can be even harder—to show up for yourself first. That means really getting to know yourself, taking care of your physical and mental health, being kind to yourself, and setting boundaries. Showing up for yourself will allow you to be a better and more present friend or partner; will prevent resentment, one-sided relationships, and burnout; and will help you figure out exactly what showing up for others should look like in practice. Showing up for yourself isn’t about feeling happiness, exactly; it’s about feeling grounded and content and believing that you are enough.
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Some people might resist the idea that showing up is something that can be taught or learned; they believe it’s common sense or that it just comes naturally. To which I say: If showing up is so easy, then why are so many people so bad at it?
And we are, in fact, kind of bad at it! Think about the last time somebody made a really thoughtless comment to you or someone you know. Or the last time you said, “I’m fine” (or “It’s fine”) when things were . . . extremely not fine. Or the last time you didn’t get nearly enough sleep! It happens all the time. And I get it. Showing up isn’t an innate skill, nor is it part of most formal education. Which is why this book exists.
Here’s the thing: There are real, very bad consequences to not showing up for ourselves and each other. According to Robert D. Putnam in Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community, social capital—connections among individuals and the sense of reciprocity and trustworthiness that arises from these social networks—plays a huge role in virtually every aspect of our lives: our personal safety, children’s welfare, economic prosperity, democracy. By all accounts, poor social capital is extremely bad for our health and longevity.
So, how are we doing in that regard? Well, a 2018 Pew Research Center Survey found that one in ten adults in the US report feeling lonely or isolated “all or most of the time.”1 (That’s a lot of people and a lot of the time.) Suicide rates have increased in nearly every state since 1999. And according to one survey, 70 percent of teens list mental health as a “major problem” among people their age in their community.2 In a lot of ways, technology is what makes showing up possible—we can easily search for articles about mental health, send a text to check in, or read a series of tweets that tell us what to say to someone who is struggling. But the realities of modern life are also what make showing up more difficult, and more necessary. Because what’s the alternative here, y’all? Keep doing the bare minimum to stay alive, and never cross over to thriving? Maintain friendships that aren’t serving us and never make any new friends? Continue saying “I’m fine” when we are definitely not fine? Stand back and let the world burn?
Showing up is an alternative to living that faux “I’m fine” life. If you never feel like you’re doing enough (while also somehow constantly feeling like you’re doing too much), it’s time to sit down and do the work of figurin
g out what, exactly, “enough” means to you. That’s where this book comes in. It offers a set of principles for taking care—a sort of code of behavior for treating yourself and other people well. Of course, you might not always be able to make it happen (or get your desired outcome), but it’s helpful to have a starting point. Not having anything resembling a baseline makes it difficult to stay the course, to deviate intentionally, and to realize when you’ve lost your way. When you’re feeling adrift, showing up—for yourself, for your people, for everyone—can be your North Star.
Your People
I’ll use the terms your people, friends, loved ones, and nearest and dearest interchangeably throughout the book, but your people is my go-to. I like your people because it’s not quite as limiting as “friends” can be. Your people can expand to include your coworkers, acquaintances, family members, and whoever else you want it to—it’s basically anyone you care about and have a connection with.
What Is Showing Up?
My definition of showing up follows a similar but sliiiightly different trajectory as that of the University of Michigan’s Compassion Lab.3 They define “compassion” as noticing, feeling, and responding; I think of showing up as noticing, processing, naming, and responding.
Noticing is perceiving behavior, words, or circumstances that communicate a need. And the need doesn’t have to be negative; it could be a need to celebrate or connect.
Processing is using the knowledge you already have—about yourself, about the other person, about certain behaviors, etc.—to analyze what you’ve just noticed.
Naming is identifying the “what’s really going on here”—the deeper need, the bigger behavior, the narrative of what actually happened—and recognizing its legitimacy and worthiness. Naming can be sort of small (e.g., “What is being describing sounds really effing annoying”) or pretty significant (e.g., “What is being described sounds incredibly abusive”). Naming is powerful—it’s validating, and is how our experiences begin to take shape and make sense to us.
Responding is reacting in a way that makes the receiver (which, remember, might mean you!) feel seen, supported, and more whole. (And by the way, in practice, responding might be naming the behavior.)
What It Takes to Show Up
Showing up for yourself and others is rooted in nine core values: curiosity, intelligence, intuition, compassion, generosity, creativity, self-awareness, confidence, and a willingness to be vulnerable.
Curiosity: Curiosity leads to noticing, and is at the heart of intelligence, our next core value.
Intelligence: Regularly learning and remembering new information about different situations and life experiences will give you a big well to draw from when you or a friend is going through something significant.
Intuition: When it comes to showing up, it’s not enough to be book smart; you also have to be emotionally intelligent, able to sense and feel what others need or want.
Compassion: Showing up is impossible without the ability to feel sorry for another’s sorrow or misfortune.
Generosity: Generosity allows us to give time, money, and energy to others without hesitation and to believe that others really are doing their best.
Creativity: So often, the conventional wisdom for how to help a friend in need isn’t that helpful or particularly practical. Creativity allows us to figure out how to show up for people in a way that makes sense in modern life, while still honoring the truths about struggle, grief, and loss that have remained constant for hundreds of years.
Self-awareness: Without a working knowledge of your own personality, character, and feelings, you can’t figure out what you need or fully grasp the way your actions affect other people (for better or worse).
Confidence: It’s often hard to wrap your head around the idea that you could possibly make someone (especially someone you’re not super close with!) feel good. But of course all of us are capable of having a positive impact on other people’s lives. Confidence in your intentions, decisions, and abilities is what will help you push through your feelings of inadequacy when you’re faced with an opportunity to show up.
Vulnerability: Showing up for yourself requires acknowledging your own needs . . . but so often, we’d prefer to pretend we don’t have those! Meanwhile, showing up for others requires taking a risk. You have to set aside your fear of looking foolish or failing.
Who Am I?
I’m someone who cares deeply about making the world a kinder, healthier, lovelier, and more pleasant place to be! I’m a professional service journalist, which means I write articles that teach people how to live better. But it’s not just my day job; it’s my hobby, my passion, my life’s work. I spend a lot of time thinking a lot about the ways in which we can be good to ourselves and each other.
I’ve also experienced a not insignificant amount of trauma in my life. My dad left the family when I was four, and died when I was thirteen. My (now–ex) husband abandoned me without warning, turning my life upside down for three years. These experiences shaped my identity and my worldview, and gave me a clear sense of the transformative power of showing up.
I think of myself as pretty good at showing up for myself and others. That said, I’m by no means perfect. (I typed and deleted the sentence about being good at showing up more times than I can count!) A lot of the advice in this book is based on situations I’ve gotten wrong or wish I’d handled differently. I say this not to justify thoughtless behavior—mine or your own—but to remind you that showing up is hard. It takes time and practice. I don’t always get it right, and neither will you.
About This Book
This book is divided into two parts: Part I is all about showing up for yourself, and Part II is all about showing up for others. They are in this order for a reason—because showing up for others builds on the concepts we cover in Part I, and because you can’t show up for others if you aren’t showing up for yourself first. You just can’t! So if you’re tempted to skip the first part and go straight to the “fun stuff” where you show up for your friends, it might be worth thinking about why, exactly, you think taking care of yourself and your own needs is optional. Maybe you really do have showing up for yourself figured out and you don’t need my help. Great! Good for you! But if thinking about your own needs, setting boundaries, or being truly kind to yourself makes you uncomfortable (or you think you don’t have time for that), reading Part I is exactly what you should do first.
This book is meant to be a reference that you can pick up time and again, when you are struggling, feeling a little lost or discouraged, or experiencing something new (like, say, the first divorce in your friend group) and are unsure how to handle it. It’s for everyone who has ever said or thought, “I feel bad and I don’t know what to do.” Whether you’re already good at showing up or you know that you have a long way to go in this regard, this book is for you.
Not everything covered in this book will apply to every person or relationship or situation; you should treat everything* you’re about to read as a gentle suggestion, not a hard-and-fast rule. Showing up is about knowing your audience. If you have a strong negative reaction to something, or know you or your BFF or coworker or whoever would hate a particular recommendation, that’s OK! If you can’t do something I’m suggesting—for whatever reason—that’s cool! Like, I don’t know your life!!! Feel free to tweak my suggestions to better fit your circumstances or to just ignore me entirely! It’s fine! Everything is gonna be fine!!!
Except my take on wearing a helmet in Chapter 3.
Chapter 1
Getting to Know Yourself
Self-knowledge is at the core of showing up—because you can’t possibly take care of yourself if you don’t actually know what your needs are. Once you figure out who you are (and who you are not), it becomes much easier to understand what you want to do (and not do), and to recognize the types of people you want in your life (and those you don’t). There’s not much space for generosity, confidence, or vulnerability when you�
�re constantly worried about whether you have enough and are enough.
Knowing yourself is also at the heart of showing up for other people. At a basic level, if you aren’t self-aware, it’s impossible to recognize how you’re making other people feel. But it goes even deeper than that: The more you unpack your own motivations and patterns, and name and honor your own needs, the easier it becomes to do the same for others—to understand why they are behaving a certain way, to view their needs as legitimate, to withhold judgment when they are struggling, to be kind and compassionate, and to respond in a way that makes them feel seen. When you are firmly rooted, you can fully stand up for others.
So, what does knowing yourself even mean?
Being able to name the main qualities that make you you
Having a clear sense of your core values and your priorities
Knowing what you like and don’t like
Identifying what makes you feel comfortable and uncomfortable
Acknowledging what you are willing and unwilling to do
Being aware of how you’re likely to react (or are reacting) in a given situation
Seems easy enough, right? But it’s not exactly, or at least, it’s not easy for everyone. If you’ve gone through life believing one story about yourself—either a story you invented, or one others wrote about you—it can be hard to suddenly stop and ask yourself if it’s actually true. Figuring out that truth can, at times, be an uncomfortable process. But it can also be enlightening and therapeutic and fun.
As you read this chapter (and, really, this whole book), try to resist any urge you have to immediately overhaul your life based on your newly acquired self-knowledge. I know how hard this can be—intense self-examination can make you want to burn down your entire life ASAP. (But, like, in a good way? Sort of?) But I feel pretty strongly about holding tight for a moment, because it’s important to get comfortable with the first three steps of the showing-up process—noticing, naming, and processing—and just sit in that place for a sec before you move on to the fourth step: responding. (This is extra important if you tend to love big goals; are very all or nothing; or have, on more than one occasion, gotten extremely excited about a “magic” solution that you swore was going to change your whole life and then . . . did not do that.) Listen, I love a grandiose resolution and the ensuing shame spiral once it fails as much as the next gal . . . but the goal here isn’t a big makeover montage; it’s acceptance.