The Art of Showing Up

by Rachel Wilkerson Miller

  Of course, no personality test is completely accurate, and many of them are frustratingly black-and-white. But in general, they provide a helpful jumping-off point for self-examination. You might read about “your” personality type and think, That’s not me at all, and have tons of examples to prove it. Or you may know, That used to be me, but I didn’t like that about myself, so I worked really hard to change it. Or you might think, I wish that were me. And that’s all really helpful information to have!

  Personality tests also give us a shorthand way of communicating who we are and what we want. Think about it: after taking a personality test, what do you immediately want to do? Share your results with a friend, and then get them to take the test, too. And those conversations are valuable! I’ve found that the best way to get something out of a personality test is to discuss the results with someone you’re really close to—that person who can say, “Actually . . . you do kind of do that,” when you’re insisting you don’t. Personality tests create a safe space for naming and sharing needs. And they give us a shared vocabulary that allows us to be better at showing up for each other. Once I’m familiar with my friends’ love languages, for example, I can demonstrate that I care about them way more effectively. Even just having terms like “introvert” and “extrovert” in the public consciousness makes it a little easier for us to be good to each other.

  Personality tests to try:

  Enneagram

  16 Personalities

  The 5 Love Languages

  The Four Tendencies

  I like personality tests because they take what can be a very vulnerable experience—self-examination—and make it more fun. Let’s face it: it’s way less painful to be gently dragged by a personality test than by a person who actually knows you.

  Your Emotions

  I regret to inform you that we now have to talk about our feelings! (Trust me, I’d much rather talk about personality tests.) Like our values, our feelings play a major role in our everyday choices. Being able to perceive and name your emotions is critical to self-awareness and identifying what you need—so, two major aspects of showing up.

  According to clinical psychologist David Walton, “Being able to give the emotions you experience a name is not some touchy-feely idea about sensitivity. Naming it involves consciously thinking about what is happening and choosing how to react. If you can find words to describe how you feel at the time, and (even better) what’s causing it, you will automatically become more sensitive and aware.”6 When you can name your emotions and connect them to your behavior, you can avoid the behaviors and habits that you know haven’t, uh, always worked out so well for you (or for anyone).

  For example, if you feel angry about something, your next move might be quite different than if you actually feel irritated, sad, scared, or hurt. Some feelings call for a conversation; others call for a trip around the block to cool off and let it go. Naming your feelings will also give you a better sense of how strong a feeling is. There’s a big difference between furious and cranky, and it’s better to identify what specifically you’re experiencing instead of just going with “I DON’T KNOW, I JUST FEEL ANGRY!!!!” and then blowing up accordingly.

  If you need to get better at naming your emotions, the Center for Nonviolent Communication’s website has a fantastic list of feelings to describe what’s going on with you in a given moment, which might help you strengthen your emotional vocabulary. But really, naming your emotions begins with checking in with yourself regularly. Walton says, “Real awareness asks you to turn a switch, focusing on ‘What’s going on inside me at this moment?’”

  Your Needs

  Once you’ve identified an emotion or feeling, it’s important to stop and ask yourself what underlying need is causing it. It’s the part of the showing-up process when you go from “I feel angry that so few people have responded to my birthday party invite” to “I feel anxious about my birthday party because I want it to be special. I want to be celebrated by my friends. I’m feeling lonely and I need companionship. I need affirmation that my friends actually care about me. I just want to feel like I belong here, and that people accept me.”

  Admitting you need something is a vulnerable act, which is why it can be so difficult. The word needy isn’t typically used as a compliment; being called needy (or simply feeling needy) can be a blow to our pride, our sense of identity, and our belief in how we “should” be. But you simply can’t take care of yourself if you don’t know what your needs are, so these days, I try to make a habit of naming my needs regularly—especially when I’m feeling very strong emotions, or reacting in a way that I’m not proud of.

  Once you figure out your underlying need, you can move forward in a way that truly honors your need. And that path forward won’t necessarily look like confronting other people or sharing your needs with them; sometimes, it’ll simply mean you need to respond to yourself in a different way. Here is a list of common needs7 that might come in handy if you find yourself feeling A Way but can’t quite put your finger on why.

  Acceptance Ease Security

  Affection Empathy Self-expression

  Appreciation Freedom Space

  Beauty Humor Stability

  Belonging Inclusion Support

  Choice Independence To know and be known

  Closeness Intimacy To see and be seen

  Communication Joy To understand and be understood

  Community Love Trust

  Companionship Mourning Warmth

  Compassion Nurturing

  Consideration Order

  Consistency Respect

  Cooperation Safety

  Also consider these physical needs (which we’ll talk about more in Chapter 3).

  Food Movement Sex and/or touch

  Water Fresh air Quiet

  Sleep/rest Physical or mental space To use the bathroom

  Cleanliness

  Naming your needs can be uncomfortable at first, especially if you’ve been telling yourself for years that you don’t (or shouldn’t) have needs, or that your needs don’t matter. If you’re struggling with this part, it can feel “safer” to begin by reflecting on past needs instead of attempting to name your current ones. So reread the list above and try to identify three to five needs you experienced in the past two weeks. How did the needs present themselves? What emotions did you feel? Did you address the need in any way? Did you share the need with anyone else? What happened?

  How to Communicate Your Needs to Others

  Once you’ve identified a need, the next step might be communicating it to someone else. If this is something you really struggle with, I suggest starting very small. Don’t jump in with the big asks; practice sharing needs that are relatively low-stakes, and do it when things are going pretty well for you overall. My approach? Begin by communicating your needs to strangers when they ask or offer.

  In practice, this might look like . . .

  telling your dentist “That actually really hurts” when they ask “Is this OK?” during a procedure

  saying “Yes, that would be great” when you’re freezing in a cab and the driver offers to turn the A/C down

  responding honestly when a masseuse asks you “Is that too much pressure?”

  Next, you can move on to communicating your needs to people you know when they ask or offer, and to strangers when they don’t ask or offer. That might look like . . .

  replying to a coworker who asks if their music is bothering you with, “Actually, it’s a bit distracting; would you mind turning it down a little?”

  asking your cab driver if they could please turn the heat up when your teeth are chattering

  flagging down a flight attendant and requesting a second in-flight snack.

  Over time, you’ll start to realize that most of these requests are fine! Even if you don’t get what you want, the act of asking probably won’t lead to a SWAT team descending on you and arresting you for daring to say you’d like an additional snack. So from here, you
can start communicating your needs to people you know when they don’t ask or offer. That could mean . . .

  telling your friends “I need to stop for a bathroom break” during a long and tiresome road trip

  saying to a friend “Can we do happy hour this week in a place that makes it possible for me to sit and hear?”

  asking your coworker “Would it be OK with you if I closed the blinds? The glare is making it impossible for me to see my computer screen right now.”

  shouting “BAD TOUCH!” when your mother-in-law starts stroking your hair. (Just kidding, kind of.)

  I promise: Telling people what you need really does get easier! I say this as someone who is now fairly good at sharing needs like the ones above (and who is decent at sharing bigger needs) but who didn’t used to be this way. I’m not naturally fearless; I just practice. I became confident in asking for what I need the old-fashioned way: one terrified-but-ultimately-fine request at a time.

  Your Boundaries

  Taking care of something means protecting it, and strong, well-considered boundaries—which therapist Andrea Bonior defines as “principles that you establish in order to keep yourself feeling safe and comfortable, emotionally and physically”8—will allow you to protect yourself from all of the negativity waiting just outside the gates: draining conversations, useless apps, toxic people. Similar to values, boundaries are something we all have (yes, even the people whom you look at and think “Wow, they have zero boundaries”) but can’t always easily name. Which isn’t good—because if you can’t name them, it’s going to be harder to confidently enforce them. If you want to show up for yourself, it’s important to put real thought into the boundaries you hold dear.

  To get started, consider the following list of general areas in which you’re allowed** to set and enforce boundaries. You don’t have to limit yourself to one boundary for each of these items; you can (and likely will!) have different boundaries with different people or types of relationships, and those boundaries can change. You also don’t have to set or enforce particularly strict boundaries for all of these items; I certainly don’t! This list is meant to show you what a boundary can be, so it’ll click when someone is crossing the line . . . or when someone is attempting to set a boundary with you but doesn’t have quite the right language (or the courage) to communicate that it is, in fact, a boundary.

  If you’re under the age of eighteen or a young adult living at home with your parents, you might not have access to all of these boundaries, at least from a technical, legal POV. Your Body

  Your physical space (how close people stand to you)

  Your meatsack (You don’t have to engage with comments or questions about your weight, height, hair, race, sex, genitals, etc.)

  Details about your health (basic bodily functions, menstruation, ailments, disabilities, medications, etc.)

  What you will and will not ingest (food, drinks, alcohol, tobacco, drugs)

  Who is allowed to view your body (you are allowed to not want your mom and your friends to look at your titties or your ass or your nudes)

  Who is allowed to touch your body in a non-sexual way (think: hugging, handshakes, and general touchy-feelery)

  Sexual contact: You get to decide who you will and won’t touch bits with and what sexual acts you’re comfortable with; you’re also extremely allowed to change your mind about these at any point

  Your physical safety: You can insist on wearing a helmet, using condoms or dental dams, having access to a seat belt, not being around weapons, and not getting in a car when the driver has been drinking or doing drugs

  Your Home and Belongings

  Who you’ll allow in your home and/or your room

  What illegal or risky behaviors you’ll allow in your home or in a shared living space

  Items you will or will not loan to other people (and who is allowed to borrow your things without asking first)

  Who is allowed to rifle through your stuff (including your phone and computer)

  Any password/account information

  Your Money

  Your money is . . . your money! Here are some categories where you might encounter particularly annoying expectations/attitudes, or where people may hassle you about what you will or won’t spend.

  Gifts (who you’ll buy gifts for, how much you’ll spend, etc.)

  Loans (who you’ll give them to, how much you’ll give, how quickly you expect to be repaid)

  Friend activities (concerts, dinners, bachelor/ette parties, travel, etc.)

  Friends’ business ventures and charitable causes

  Rent and/or transportation

  Food and drink (meals out, how you split the bill, etc.)

  Alcohol and drugs

  Clothes

  Makeup, skincare, and hair

  Entertainment

  Travel

  Health/fitness

  Charitable giving

  You can also set boundaries more broadly around your finances; you can choose not to share your income, your partner’s income, your parents’ income, or anything else.

  Your Time

  You get to decide how much time you’re willing/able/choosing to spend on . . .

  work

  romantic partners

  dating

  family

  friend activities

  friends in general

  attending religious services

  hobbies, activities, and general leisure

  the internet/your phone.

  Your Energy and Attention

  How much energy you reserve for yourself

  When/how you choose to be alone

  How much attention you give romantic partners, friends, and family

  How “on call” and available you are to others

  Favors you’re willing to do

  How comfortable you are hearing private details of other people’s lives

  The types of conversations and language you’re willing to bear witness to

  The amount of airtime you give certain topics of conversation, especially when said topics are being argued in bad faith

  The type of media you consume, including content that is scary, violent, sexual, or offensive

  How much energy you spend educating other people about topics specific to your identity or lived experiences

  How you allow people to talk to you and treat you—for example, you’re allowed to refuse to be yelled at, or to exit a conversation where a person is belittling you

  How willing you are to change your behavior, interests, or habits

  Your Privacy

  You aren’t obligated to share details about your life with other people, including your friends/family/parents/coworkers/strangers on the internet! That includes . . .

  details about your childhood, your grades, your marriage, your job, your health, your reproductive plans (or lack thereof), your family, your sexuality, your gender identity, your sexual history, your salary; you are especially allowed not to share this information when being honest would compromise your safety

  details about other people’s lives (e.g., the fact that your partner is in therapy, or that your sibling is going through a tough time)

  your phone number; you really, really, really don’t have to give it to every person who asks for it (but if you’re doing that because it feels safer than the alternative, I get it)

  your private messages, including your mail, emails, DMs, and texts

  your digital accounts—you get to decide who is allowed to friend/follow you, and what you share on apps and social media; you can also request that people don’t share details about your life, photos of you, photos of your children, photos of a private event, or tag your location

  who is allowed to view/track your location via GPS

  who is allowed to see your body—again, it’s perfectly fine to say that no one except your partner, your OB/GYN, and your god is allowed to look at your bits!

  Of course, just because you set a boundary doe
sn’t mean it will be respected. And there will certainly be instances where enforcing a boundary could stand in the way of achieving greater intimacy, or prevent someone from being able to really show up for you. It’s also wise to remember that boundaries are both cultural and personal, and someone who is crossing your line isn’t necessarily a terrible person. (To be clear: They might be a terrible person! Just not necessarily, in every case.) In their family, friend group, or workplace, what they are doing could be completely normal, and they might not mind at all if they were on the receiving end of said behavior.

  That said, it’s still necessary and important to communicate your boundaries. And if your boundaries turn out to be something of a deal breaker, that’s fine, too! If a new pal wants a friend who is, say, comfortable with talking about sex in explicit detail, and you’re just never going to be that friend, that’s really OK.

  You can clue people in to your boundaries before a line gets crossed the same way you’d share any preference or opinion: Mention it when the relevant topic comes up, keep your tone confident and fairly light/neutral, and try to avoid shaming people who might feel different. (Much of that will come through in your tone, but you can add “I know not everyone shares this belief” or “I know I’m in the minority on this, but it’s just something I feel strongly about” to any of the phrases below.) If you want a little inspiration, here are some ideas to get you started.

  What to say

  “[Thing] makes me so uncomfortable.”

  “I’m really not a fan of [thing].”

  “I’m a fairly private person” or “I’m fairly private when it comes to X.”

  “Oh yeah, that’s not for me” or “That’s not something I’d ever be OK with doing.”

  “I find it hard to do X with people I just met” or “I prefer not to do X with people I don’t know very well.”

  “I don’t really like to talk about X.”

  “I’m a big believer in [not discussing my marriage with friends/having a set amount of alone time every week].”

  “I take [family time/studying/sex/saving money] really seriously” or “X is really important to me.”