The Art of Showing Up

by Rachel Wilkerson Miller

  Reduce your inputs when you’re alone.

  I’m comfortable being solo and alone, but I’ll admit that it gets much harder when I don’t have my phone on me. Meditation helped, but so did just doing it more often. One habit that had a major positive impact: putting my phone in airplane mode and reading a book for an hour every Saturday. That meant no longer pausing to Google a word I didn’t recognize, seeing that I had an Instagram notification, opening Instagram, reading and responding to a few DMs, scrolling for twenty minutes, and then forgetting about the word and the book entirely. I thought it would be hard but it actually felt great. I always felt calm and relaxed afterward, and I never once missed anything important.

  Try shutting the world out for a few hours by putting your phone on Do Not Disturb and/or airplane mode during solo and alone activities like cooking, running errands, commuting, and getting ready in the morning; you might be surprised by how refreshed and content you feel.

  Try reducing your outputs while you’re solo and/or alone.

  A lot of the conversation around social media use is framed around consuming content and overlooks the creation part, which is a shame. Because even if you’re not an influencer, there’s a good chance you’re still generating content—so, posting photos, updating your status, texting your people, and documenting your day or your activities . . . or responding to others’ photos, statuses, texts, and documentation. And that’s a problem! First, the moment you begin to document something, the less present you are. And the more you create, the more you invite responses, which traps you in a cycle of liking and responding even more. Constant output is super distracting, saps valuable energy, and ensures that you’re never (or rarely) really alone.

  A lot of people take breaks from consuming social media, but it’s also worth taking a hiatus from creating it. Because if you’re constantly texting and posting and messaging, you’re not quite alone with your thoughts, observations, and experiences. When I’m struggling with this, I’ve found it’s helpful to ask myself why I feel such a strong urge to share in the first place, and what, exactly, I’m seeking (or avoiding) in that moment.

  How to Say No to an Invite When Your Reason Is “I Just Don’t Want To”

  There are few social interactions more panic-inducing than the moment a kind, friendly person invites you to do an activity or attend an event that you really don’t care to do or attend, but you also don’t have a “good” reason to say no. You know the reason is just “. . . nah,” but you are also a kind and friendly person, so you aren’t going to just say that. You have manners! And empathy! And—now, apparently—an obligation to get up and go roller skating next Saturday with a bunch of strangers, even though you deeply don’t want to!

  Of course, there are times you should genuinely consider the invite, especially if the person is a close friend who is inviting you to something that means a lot to them. Sometimes, having friends means doing things that aren’t exactly your idea of a good time. You should definitely give your friend’s improv show or housewarming party real consideration before you reflexively refuse. But in the instances when it’s not a super close friend and/or the invite is relatively unremarkable (like, say, to see a movie you’re not interested in or to go out to dinner on a weeknight at a restaurant that’s across town and too pricey for your taste)—when you can technically go but you just don’t want to—it’s OK to decline. Really!

  Saying no to hangout requests is a gateway to setting boundaries in general. Realizing you have the right and the ability to say “No, thanks” or “I’m not into that” without the world coming to an end is life-changing. Do it a few times and you’ll begin to see that a cornucopia of possibility and freedom awaits! If, on the other hand, you can’t tell a total stranger “Oh, no thank you, I’d rather not” when they try to offer you a perfume sample at the mall or get you to sign their petition in the park, you’re probably not going to be comfortable telling a friend it’s time to change the subject when their “I hate my boss” monologue enters its third hour. It’s a good idea to practice saying no to the small(ish) asks when they present themselves; over time, the bigger requests will begin to feel less daunting.

  Saying no also gives you a chance to learn more about the people in your life and how they treat you. Here’s the thing: Anyone who refuses to take no for an answer with regard to the seemingly small requests probably isn’t great at respecting boundaries in general—which is helpful information to have! Because boundaries are about way more than just roller skating on a Saturday; they can also be about your bodily autonomy, your money, your belongings, and your privacy. And you might find that a person who reacts very badly to “Oh, thank you for the invite, but I’m actually not a big fan of roller skating” has problems taking no for an answer when it comes to the bigger stuff. If your people are guilt-tripping you, pressuring you to do something, or otherwise not “letting” you say no, that’s a Them Problem, not a You Problem. The people who are worthy of your TME will take care to communicate that they respect your needs and preferences, even if they feel disappointed by your “no” in the moment.

  Refusing an invitation early on also allows you to avoid the scenario in which you dread the event for weeks and ultimately cancel at the last minute. We can all agree that dreading an event for weeks is a bummer (and way more emotionally draining than just saying no in the first place!), and being canceled on at the last minute is truly frustrating. Also frustrating: hanging out with a person who doesn’t actually want to be there! If my options, as the inviter, are “be momentarily disappointed before finding a buddy who will enjoy the activity I’m proposing” and “spend *my* valuable TME hanging out with someone who doesn’t want to be here, and secretly—or not-so-secretly—resents me for it,” I’m going to choose the former every time! Agreeing to do something you really don’t want to do isn’t necessarily kind; it can actually be pretty selfish.

  Speaking of selfish, when I’m feeling guilty about the idea of saying no in these situations, I find it’s helpful to think about whether saying my no is really going to break this person’s heart, or if I just think my presence is way more important than it really is. It can be easy to tell yourself your attendance is a huge deal, or that this event means soooo much to this other person . . . only to say no and have them shrug and invite someone else without giving it a second thought. Of course, sometimes they do care if you say yes! But even if they’re disappointed, they will likely understand and get over it—which is a fine outcome! Taking medium-sized care of yourself is more important than avoiding low-key disappointing your friend. So before you grudgingly agree to go, step back and ask yourself if you’re overvaluing how much your attendance matters.

  Declining an invitation can feel stressful or guilt inducing in the moment, but it doesn’t have to be that way! It just takes practice. The more you do it, the more you’ll realize that most people can actually handle it, and that it won’t negatively affect your relationships. If you need help formulating a response for these situations, below are some scripts based on conversations I’ve had in my own life to get you started. As always, you can/should tweak these so they feel right for the request and the relationship.

  Regardless of what you say, aim for a warm but relatively neutral and matter-of-fact tone. And keep it short. There’s also no need to beg for forgiveness, get into your personal reasons, or present an eight-part defense as though you’re in a Law & Order rerun. Treat saying no as normal (because it is normal).

  What to say

  If it’s date-specific, and you’d prefer to be doing Not This on the day/time in question:

  “Oh, thank you so much for thinking of me! Unfortunately I won’t be able to make it, but thank you for the invitation!”

  “Oh, that sounds lovely, but I won’t be able to make it. But have a great time!”

  If you’re probably never going to be up for doing an activity at the suggested day/time:

  “Oh, that concert sounds really fun, b
ut I can’t really do big outings on weeknights! But have a great time!”

  “Ah, that sounds lovely, but I have a rule that I don’t make plans on Sundays—it’s my day [to decompress and not talk to anyone/catch up with my parents/do all my chores]. But thank you for thinking of me!”

  “Oh, that sounds like a blast, but I’m pretty committed to my 10:00 pm sleep schedule on weeknights these days. But thank you for the invite!”

  If you’re never going to be up for this activity:

  “Roller skating isn’t really my thing, so I’m going to sit this one out!”

  “Thank you for thinking of me, but [music festivals/the beach/amusement parks] aren’t really my speed!”

  You can also add something like:

  “But I’d love to see you and catch up soon! How about [some alternative programming that you both enjoy]?”

  If it’s . . . everything:

  “Ah, I’d love to [see you/catch up/hang out], but I haven’t been able to get much time for myself lately and I promised myself I’d just hunker down and have a quiet weekend!”

  “I don’t really have the bandwidth for much socializing right now, but I would love to [do something else][at some date in the future when you’d be up for it].”

  “I don’t have much room for extracurriculars these days, but I would love to [do something else][at some date in the future when you’d be up for it].”

  “Ah, that sounds [lovely/fun/amazing], but I haven’t been sleeping well lately and promised myself I’d stop going to so many [happy hours/pool parties/roller-skating networking events] so I can establish a more consistent schedule.”

  “I know I haven’t been able to come the last few times you’ve invited me, but it’s not because I don’t want to! [My schedule is just busy][I’m feeling broke][I can’t really do things on weeknights][In general, roller skating isn’t really my jam][I’ve been pretty depressed, honestly, so socializing is a bit of a struggle right now]. But I hope the stars will align soon and I’ll be able to attend!”

  This last one is a good option when you’ve declined a couple of invites from the same person and are concerned that they’ll think you’re canceling because you just don’t want to hang out with them. In my experience, it’s way better to be honest and clear about why you’re declining invitations, especially if they’re from close friends who would probably love to know a) how you’re doing, and b) that it’s not about them.

  If you need a moment to compose yourself before you respond:

  “Let me check my calendar and get back to you!”

  (And then actually get back to them quickly—don’t wait for them to follow up!)

  In general, it’s a bad idea to fabricate a reason when declining an invite. Here’s why: If you tell a lie that you can’t attend on that particular date (when it’s really about the activity itself), the person might respond by asking you to do this activity on a different day, which will put you in an awkward position. Or they might assume you actually love roller skating and want to be on the invite list for all future local roller skating events. This outcome isn’t good for anyone!

  Alternatively, if they somehow find out you didn’t actually have “real” plans (or the plans you claimed to have) that day, or they later discover that you do, in fact, like roller skating, they might actually feel worse—because they’ll assume it was personal. (Which may or may not be true! But even if it is about them, you’re probably not trying to communicate that.)

  When you’re simply honest about the reason you can’t make it, you communicate important information: I do, in fact, like you. But I don’t, in fact, like roller skating or weeknight hangouts. The honest response tells them that you trust them enough to be authentic and open with them, and that you care about them enough to build a relationship where you feel seen and known.

  But also: Refusing an invitation is not that deep! It’s literally fine.

  Let People Decline Your Invitations

  If we want to be allowed to say no, we have to be willing to extend that option to others. So remember: If someone declines your invitation, it’s really, really OK. It doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t like you or that they don’t want to be your friend. If someone only ever declines your invitations and you start to suspect they don’t really want to be friends, that’s another matter. But it also might mean they don’t want to be your friend! Which is disappointing and stings, but is also fine—because you don’t actually want to be friends with people who don’t want to be friends with you or who don’t share any of your interests.

  If you’re feeling bummed about a “no, thank you,” remind yourself that declining an invite can leave a person feeling vulnerable and requires courage—even from relatively assertive people. I’ve also found it helpful to view a “no” not as a slight, but as a favor—because, again, there is nothing worse than knowing someone was dreading spending time with you or regretted investing their TME in something you wanted to do. They’re also doing you the favor of saying no now instead of saying yes and then flaking on you. And they’re giving you permission to say no to them someday.

  So, if someone says, “I can’t make it,” let that be good enough. Trust that they have their reasons, respect their willingness to protect their TME, and move on. If someone says, “I don’t like roller skating,” believe that they simply don’t like roller skating. If someone says they are too busy, don’t judge them for spending the evening “doing nothing” instead. (Making the choice to do nothing, when you are otherwise busy, is a big deal!) If someone says they can’t afford to join you for dinner, don’t mentally catalogue all of the expensive shoes they own and the amount of five-dollar lattes you’ve seen them consume this week. Know that a “no” simply means “This is not how I want to spend my TME at this moment,” and that even if it feels a little bad, it’s OK.

  How to Say No to Being a Bridesmaid

  This situation is fairly common and so stressful, and a lot of people genuinely don’t realize they can say no. But being a bridesmaid is a huge commitment, even when your best friend or sibling is getting married. Being in the bridal party, like being somebody’s best friend, is neither 100 percent responsibility nor 100 percent honor; it’s a little of both. And stepping into the role when your heart isn’t in it leads to unmet expectations, resentment, frustration, and hurt feelings for everyone involved.

  The script below may or may not work for you, but I hope it will at least help you craft your own. Ultimately, it’s important to be honest, firm, kind, and extremely gentle, and to give the person space to be upset with you.

  Intro

  “I am so honored that you asked me to be one of your bridesmaids, but I’m going to have to decline.”

  Reason

  If your reason is time, money, or energy: “I know that being a bridesmaid [even for a friend who is chill and doesn’t expect a ton from their bridesmaids, like you!] requires a fair amount of time and money, and I’m stretched so thin right now because of [grad school/work/my newborn].”

  If your reason is you aren’t super close and there’s no way you’re buying a dress you’ll never wear again/flying to Mexico (which is still a TME reason): “I know that being a bridesmaid is a big commitment and I don’t feel like I’m up for the task [right now/this year].”

  Contrition

  “You deserve bridesmaids who are all-in and can really show up for you every step of the way, and I know I can’t do that right now. I care about you and [Partner] a lot, so this isn’t a decision I’m making lightly. I totally understand if you’re disappointed or upset with me for saying no.”

  In Conclusion

  If you’ll still attend the wedding: “I’ll still be there on your wedding day [weeping during your vows][embarrassing myself on the dance floor][making your grandpa behave himself].”

  You could also say, “I’d love to show up for you in other ways that day, if there is another role you need filled, or you just need a warm body to guard the gif
t table,” (if that is, in fact, something you are up for doing).

  If you won’t be attending the wedding: “I am so excited for you and [Partner] and I’m so sorry I can’t be there with you on the big day.”

  Canceling Plans

  Canceling plans sits at the intersection of showing up for yourself and showing up for other people. From the perspective of showing up for yourself, skipping a social event can be a much-needed self-care move. When you know in your heart that you don’t have it in you to socialize, and are confident that doing it anyway is going to make you feel terrible, it can be a huge relief to let yourself opt out. And so often, canceling is perfectly fine, and the other person won’t mind or think much of it. (They might even be relieved!) Sometimes, canceling plans is the best way to be a good friend—after all, you can’t fully show up for other people if you’re not taking care of yourself, and regularly attending hangouts when you aren’t up for it isn’t good for anyone.

  On the other hand, sometimes “showing up” for others means literally showing up for them, and, well, it can be frustrating to be on the receiving end of a cancelation, particularly if you’re the one who arranged your schedule around the plans, were really looking forward to this get-together, or are dealing with a person who regularly flakes. Canceled plans can be inconsiderate and disrespectful, especially if you’re dealing with a repeat offender.

  That said, sometimes you just need to bail. You’re coming down with a cold or you’re emotionally drained or you have to work late—whatever. It happens! If you’re a people pleaser who is trying to get better at prioritizing self-care, here are some questions to ask yourself the next time you’re struggling to decide whether or not to cancel.

  How are you feeling right now? What’s making you want to cancel?

  It’s easy to think, Uggghhh, I don’t want to goooooooooo, without really knowing why. Start by taking inventory of your feelings and try to figure out what, specifically, you need in this moment. Getting to the root of your desire to cancel can help you determine whether canceling will actually solve your problem—and whether being social will do more harm or good.