The Art of Showing Up

by Rachel Wilkerson Miller

  I always think I’m going to remember all the things my friends or I mention when we’re hanging out, but when you’re with smart/well-read/interesting people, that’s basically impossible. Just take notes!

  Keeping in Touch

  Keeping in touch with friends should be easy. After all, we’ve got a device that allows us to do so on our person pretty much all the time. And yet. And yet. It recently occurred to me that I was actually much better at keeping in touch with people**** before the rise of smartphones and apps, and I don’t think that’s a coincidence. Of course, there are other reasons I was better at keeping in touch back then: We were younger, so we had fewer responsibilities and more time on our hands, and, at the time, I think everyone was less resistant to phone calls. But I also know that my iPhone is, in part, to blame! I can no longer tell myself that liking a friend’s pic is the same as keeping in touch—or, at least, it’s not enough when it comes to the people I care about most. If I want to be a part of people’s lives, I’ve realized, I have to do the work. Here are some tips that I’ve found helpful.

  By the way, keeping in touch doesn’t only apply to long-distance folks; it’s necessary in any situation where you won’t cross paths with a friend somewhat naturally (like at work or at school events) fairly regularly. Stop putting it off.

  Falling out of touch with a friend is a vicious cycle; the longer you let time pass without a good update, the harder it gets to pick up where you left off. Because so much has happened since your last chat, the mere idea of downloading the past four months of events can be exhausting.

  But if you have let too much time lapse, all hope is not lost! If you want to maintain the friendship, just suck it up and commit to a big catch-up session (think: a LONG phone chat, a day or weekend spent together IRL, a long-ass email where you give the backstory and context for what’s currently happening in your life). Once that’s out of the way, commit to talking more consistently going forward.

  Make time for them.

  Remember Shasta Nelson’s frientimacy triangle? Of course you do! And remember that consistency is one of the main components? Of course you do! (But if you don’t, go back to the triangle.) That consistency can’t happen if you don’t set aside time for it.

  A lot of us fall into the trap of staying in touch in small ways that feel meaningful (liking social media posts, occasionally texting articles or memes) and that don’t take a lot of time. It “costs” less time and energy, sure—but that’s because it’s a lower-quality conversation. After all, sending links or hitting “like” isn’t the same as both of you sharing updates about your life. So try to think of these as supplementary interactions, and then regularly make time for the meatier, more meaningful interactions.

  Of course, finding time for this is easier said than done. Having time for catch-up sessions might mean that something else you enjoy doing (*cough* watching every single Instagram story *cough*) has to go, and it can be helpful to return to your list of priorities here. But it also might mean you can’t stay in touch with everyone you’re fond of or you’d like to be close to. Remember Dunbar’s numbers; most of us can really only manage three to five super intimate relationships at a time (and that includes family members!), and nine to fifteen close relationships. It can be hard to admit that you can’t actually be best friends with everyone, but . . . you can’t! Admitting and owning your limitations is a major part of showing up.

  Find a method of communication that works best for the two of you.

  Every relationship is different, with two people who bring unique circumstances and preferences that will affect how you’ll communicate. Your time zone, work schedules (and types of work), daily routines, internet/cellular connection, physical abilities, and access to privacy can all influence which communication form will be best for a particular relationship at a given time.

  Here are some of the ways you might converse/interact with a friend.

  IRL hangouts

  Phone calls

  Voice memos (like voice mails, but somehow less hateful???)

  Video calls

  Emails

  Letters

  Instant messages

  Text messages (which can either be asynchronous or happen in real time, more like instant messaging)

  Group chats

  But also: Be creative! Perhaps talking on the phone while sitting around the house doesn’t work for you but voice chatting while you play a video game together is perfect. Maybe instead of sending a friend an email, you send them a Google Doc so they can easily comment on or reply to the things you’re sharing in-line. The point isn’t to do what other people think is “right”—it’s to find a method of communication that achieves the intended goal.

  And once you’re doing meaningful check-ins consistently, you may want to establish a low-hanging-fruit way to chat with each other day to day. Something as simple as Snapchatting (yes, Snapchat!!!) each other pics of your breakfast and outfits every morning can be a surprisingly effective way to feel more connected.

  If you’re not really a phone person, consider talking on the phone.

  These days, I—like many people my age—am not much of a phone talker . . . which is wild, because I love talking, and I used to love talking on the phone! Most of my current excuses are situational (talking on the phone while walking on a crowded city street is hard; my apartment doesn’t have great cell service), and while they are valid, they aren’t exactly deal breakers. Also, talking on the phone is just more efficient than texting or emailing or instant messaging (especially now that we know how bad/inefficient multitasking is).

  Anyway, my phone call–loving (and text-loving!) friend Terri has taught me the important lesson that some people are great on the phone (and not great at texting), so I’ve been making more phone calls. And it’s been great! (But do consider giving any text-loving friend a heads-up that you’re going to call them more often, so they don’t see their phone ringing and assume it’s a butt-dial, or that someone died.)

  So, if you’re able to talk on the phone, maybe do that! It’s better than losing lifelong friends because they can’t chat on Google Hangouts all day at work.

  Don’t hesitate to set up standing days/times to talk.

  If you and your friends tend to play a lot of phone tag, it might be wise to put your catch-up sessions on the calendar in advance. If that isn’t possible, you can still try to get a general sense of what works and what doesn’t work with their schedule. For example, if your friend works 9:00 to 5:00 every weekday, calling them to catch up at 3:00 pm on a weekday probably doesn’t make sense. (This seems fairly obvious, but you’d be surprised how many people do it anyway!) But if you know your friend has a forty-five-minute walk home every day, you might find that a random Thursday evening when you have some unexpected down time is the perfect moment to call—even if you haven’t already planned that you’re going to talk then.

  Make your text conversations more meaningful.

  If, for whatever reason, texting is the best way to stay in touch with someone, you can make those conversations more productive and effective. First, try aligning with your friend on how you view texting. If you have more meaningful conversations when you’re both present (like an instant-message conversation), treat it like an instant-message conversation! That might mean you only do it when you’re both in the mood and available, and it might require a more formal start to the conversation—such as asking them if they are around and have a second to chat. On the other hand, if both of you want to treat it as an asynchronous form of communication (more like email), it might be OK to send each other longer updates and messages, knowing there’s no expectation of an immediate response.

  Second, aim to communicate effectively. That doesn’t always mean fast; in fact, the desire to compose a reply too quickly can lead to a lot of difficult-to-parse abbreviations or shorthand, which can ultimately hinder the conversation. Instead, focus on ensuring that the other person understands you. So: Use pun
ctuation and capital letters, correct any typos, and do the work to make sure your tone is really felt (even just via emojis). And instead of simply sending a link or a photo, also add a message with your thoughts or that explains why you’re sending it. This might sound obvious, but a lot of people don’t bother, and it really makes a difference.

  I’m also a fan of “texting” via my computer, which can often be done even if the other person is messaging you from their phone. My wrists quickly start to hurt when I type long messages on my phone, which makes a thoughtful, meaningful conversation difficult. But if you’re using Facebook Messenger, WhatsApp, Slack, Google Hangouts, or iMessage (and you have a Mac computer), using a computer is an option. (And if it’s someone you really want to stay in touch with, it might be worth switching the conversation to a different platform to make this possible.) Basically, doing this allows you to treat texting more like email or old-school AIM, and to be a little more engaged and communicative than you would be on your phone.

  Try not to rely solely on social media for updates.

  We all know that social media updates provide a snippet of our lives that never tells the whole story. Yet we’re often still content to get a large portion of our updates about our friends from social media!!! So consider this a gentle reminder that getting updates mainly from social media really isn’t enough.

  If you’re using social media to stay in touch, be intentional about it. That might mean setting up a private Facebook group for your closest friends, where you can all share honest updates without it being super public. It might mean using the “close friends” feature on Instagram more, so you can share the unfiltered version of your life. It probably does not—and I’m just spitballing here—mean scrolling through your feed for hours, looking at influencers, bra ads, and random people you went to high school with or met once at a party ten years ago.

  I think of social media updates as a jumping-off point that tells me something about a friend’s life that I can then ask them more about later. If I see a friend’s vacation photos, I can glean some top-level information (where they were, who they were with, the activities they did, how the weather was) that means I don’t have to ask a million basic questions later. But I’ll still ask them about it and give them space to tell me more about the trip the next time I chat with them. Saying something like, “How was the trip? I saw your photos on Facebook!” communicates, “You don’t have to repeat anything you already posted publicly. ***** . . . but I’m still interested in hearing about your experience, including all the details you didn’t share.”

  If you’re the type of person who thinks it’s “weird” to admit you saw photos/updates/information a person posted publicly on social media, know that it’s extremely fine to do this! It’s not “stalking”—the person shared this so people would know about it! Pay attention to the weather in the city.

  This tip comes from my friend Gyan, an Australian living in the US, far from most of her closest friends. “The argument that talking about the weather is lazy or boring is to ignore the fact that the weather is something we all deal with literally every single day,” she says. “Weather influences our outfit decisions, weekend plans, and daily commute—it’s a big deal, and I’m not ashamed to admit that it’s often one of the first things my friends and I talk about. I live in an opposite climate to most of them, so when it was snowing in New York and they were melting during a Sydney heat wave, we empathized with each other. Watching the forecast of my friends’ hometowns offers a tiny daily insight into the lives of my favorite people, and I highly recommend it.”33

  Ask to see photos of the people they talk about the most.

  I mentioned this earlier as a nice way to show up for all of your friends, but it’s just the practical choice in a long-distance friendship. When you’ll likely never meet any of the people you’re hearing so much about, or when your friend has three different coworkers named Ali, it’s so helpful to be able to keep everyone’s faces in mind.

  If possible, connect with a few other people in your friend’s location.

  If your friend just moved across the country, it’s not a bad idea to, say, get their spouse’s contact info, or get the number of the new work BFF you met on your recent visit. You don’t have to talk with these people regularly; it’s just about establishing a lightweight connection in case you ever want to plan an IRL surprise for the friend, or in the event that you haven’t heard from the friend and are suddenly very worried about their well-being. One of the biggest downsides to maintaining a long-distance friendship is that it makes noticing patterns (and responding) more difficult; having a connection to someone “on the ground” can help offset this.

  Do activities “together” even if you’re far apart.

  This could mean reading the same book, watching the same TV show, going to see the same movie on the same day, or cooking the same recipes. It’s not the same as doing it together, of course, but it still feels pretty darn good and allows you to continue to inject new experiences into your relationship.

  Make plans for the future.

  Doing this is a clear sign of commitment, which can be incredibly reassuring if you’re worried your friend is going to drop off the face of the earth after moving to a new city. So start thinking ahead! Maybe you’ll commit to flying across the country on each other’s birthdays every single year . . . but it also doesn’t have to be that deep! You could take some of the advice above, but instead of planning to read a single book “together” right now, you could start a virtual book club where you read a book “together” every other month, or every three months.

  Remember that it’s OK to give up.

  If you’re really struggling to connect with a friend—literally or figuratively—it might be time to ask yourself whether you truly want to. Not all friendships are forever friendships, and some friendships are helped a great deal by proximity or exposure or being at a certain life stage. It can be a bummer to realize that, and it might leave you thinking, Was this just a friendship of convenience? But I don’t think it necessarily means the friendship wasn’t real; it’s just that some friendships simply can’t overcome inconvenience, and you had no way of knowing this until one of you got a new job or moved away. Be grateful for the good things this friendship brought into your life, accept things as they are (instead of what you wish they could be), let go of your guilt, and put your precious time and energy into someone or something that makes you feel as good as that friend once did.

  Embracing Vulnerability

  Remember the positivity-consistency-vulnerability pyramid from Chapter 5? Well, it’s not just for hard times or for new friends; it’s also helpful when it comes to taking established relationships to the next level. That’s because vulnerability is a big factor in what separates acquaintances, good friends, and close friends. If you never allow your friends to see your true self, they will never get to know the real you.

  Many of us are afraid of sharing TMI (too much information) with our friends. But in some relationships, the problem might actually be sharing NEI—not enough information. Because when you refuse to share anything messy or private or embarrassing about yourself, you downplay your own humanity and erect a wall between yourself and others. After all, it’s hard to feel comfortable being your true, imperfect self around people who never ever seem to make mistakes.

  It’s also not unreasonable for kind, thoughtful people to interpret your lack of vulnerability as a Them Problem—even if it’s not—and assume you don’t like them or trust them. Refusing to open up to the friends you’ve known for a while (and who are slowly opening up to you) can, over time, begin to communicate, You aren’t in my inner circle or I didn’t want to turn to you for support in this moment. Which: fine! You’re allowed to be choosy about who you share private information with and to keep big life news quiet for practical, logistical, or personal reasons! But if you’re regularly keeping significant information from your closest friends—those you purport to trust
and care about—it can chip away at the trust and honesty in the friendship and stand in the way of real, meaningful connections. If you know that your friendships could benefit from a dose of vulnerability on your part but don’t know how to make it happen, here are some tips that may help.

  Name your wants and needs.

  Your needs and desires are a huge part of who you are, so communicating them is a crucial part of allowing others to fully know you. Revisit this list, and think about what needs you’re currently comfortable sharing with different friends. Are you OK sharing what you need from other people with your friends? (Think: what you want and need from your family, your other friends, your romantic partners, your coworkers, the bartender who is currently serving you drinks, etc.) Do you feel like you can talk about your hopes and dreams with them? And are you able to share what you need from them with them?

  By the way, if you’re not used to thinking about what you want and need from a friend, it might look something like needing . . .

  to change the topic during a conversation

  to choose a different time/date/location for your next hangout

  more/less physical space

  a different form of communication, or a different frequency of communication

  more/less attention

  a different form of support when you’re going through a hard time

  for them to take the lead on making plans, show up on time, or stop flaking on you.

  And if you haven’t been naming any of these needs, think about why. It could be a Them Problem . . . or it could be a You Problem.