From Mum With Love

by Louise Emma Clarke

  ‘Hi,’ she said, sitting next to him and kissing him on the lips. ‘I missed you both. Is she sleeping?’

  ‘Yes, and it only took an hour for her to settle and go to sleep. How do you have the patience for that every day?!’ he asked.

  ‘I’m surprised you did, to be honest,’ she replied, laughing.

  ‘You underestimate my determination when I’ve got food to eat and sport to watch,’ Chris said. ‘So, tell me about Steven. What the hell is going on?’

  So, Jessica began the story of what had happened – right from the moment she walked into the wine bar in Blackheath, to saying goodbye to the girls earlier that morning. And when she came to the end, they sat together in silence.

  ‘I’m not surprised,’ Chris eventually said. ‘I’ve never liked him.’

  ‘Well, me neither, but today was different’ Jessica replied, as the memory of him banging on the door thumped over and over again in her mind. ‘He was so cold and aggressive. It was scary.’

  Chris squeezed her hand.

  ‘But it’s good about your blogger friend Wendy, isn’t it?’ Chris asked. ‘You had a good time with her? And the shortlist comes out on Tuesday?’

  Jessica flinched. ‘It’s supposed to, yes, but talking to Wendy last night has made me realise how little chance I have to get on it. I’m not expecting to be on that list. I don’t really want to think about it.’

  ‘Not expecting to be? Or not wanting to be?’ Chris asked.

  Jessica sighed loudly. ‘Of course, I bloody want to be! It would be amazing! But I don’t think I will. I really don’t.’

  ‘Surely it’s about who’s the best, though,’ Chris replied. ‘Not about who’s been doing it for the longest. They wouldn’t have added a newcomer to each category if they didn’t think they had a chance to win it…’

  Jessica shrugged.

  ‘Do you want to do some blogging this afternoon?’

  ‘I’d love to,’ Jessica replied. ‘But maybe we should get outdoors with Bella?’

  ‘We’ve been out,’ Chris replied. ‘I didn’t know what time you’d be back, but I planned to stay here this afternoon and let the mesmerising pig entertain her for a while.’

  Jessica laughed out loud. ‘Good idea,’ she said. ‘But I’m not moving until she wakes up.’

  ‘Deal,’ Chris said, kissing the top of her head as she sank into his arms.

  Jessica had been thankful that the shortlist was being published on a Tuesday as that was the busiest day of the week for her and she’d be distracted as the hours ticked away.

  But this Tuesday would be different, as they’d be missing a member of their team while they danced around the church hall to dubious pieces of music. Because despite the girls encouraging Mel to come to the class as usual, they knew the chances were slim. So instead, they promised to drop round afterwards for coffee. A little bit of normality in the gloom, and the chance to come together and support her.

  *

  That was exactly what happened, the three of them parking their buggies underneath the white climbing roses, knocking on the door, and being invited inside as usual. They drank the same coffee, sat on the same sofas, and watched the same babies potter around and play.

  In fact, the only difference to the average Tuesday was that Mel’s mother was there too, helping to make coffee and playing with the toddlers as the four of them chatted in the kitchen. That and the fact that Mel hadn’t bothered to get dressed and had made her excuses to run to the toilet to vomit at least three times during their conversation.

  The time passed quickly and before she knew it, Jessica was strolling home with Henny and the babies as usual.

  ‘You checked whether the shortlist has come out yet, babe?’ Henny asked, as they pushed their buggies side by side. The heat of the previous few weeks had finally broken and they were both shivering in thin summer dresses.

  ‘I’ve checked lots, but there’s nothing yet! I guess it’ll come out this afternoon.’

  But it didn’t.

  Jessica had to do a supermarket trip, which filled an hour. But the list still hadn’t been announced when she got home.

  She sat on the floor and built towers with Bella. But when Bella inevitably got bored and knocked them all down in a fit of toddler rage, it still hadn’t been announced.

  She cooked a shepherd’s pie from scratch for dinner but it still hadn’t been announced when she came to scrape most of Bella’s portion into the bin.

  She ran a bath for Bella, put her in it, washed her hair, took her out, dried her, got her dressed for bed, and read a story on the armchair in her nursery. And as she lay alongside the cot waiting for Bella to fall asleep, with her arm poked through the bars so that she knew she was there, she convinced herself that the shortlist would finally be up online when she made it downstairs.

  But it wasn’t.

  Annoyed with herself for letting it dominate her thoughts, she busied herself by typing up the letter from her notebook about her relationship with Chris, finding the perfect picture of their wedding day, and publishing it to the blog and social media.

  And when she’d finished all that, Chris had finally made it home, and she’d warmed up dinner and eaten it, she glanced back at her laptop to see if the list was finally up.

  She reloaded the page, watching it re-appear on the page agonisingly slowly. And when it was finally back, her eyes darted down the page to check.

  But still, nothing.

  ‘Oh, fuck it,’ she said, under her breathe, slamming the lid of her laptop down.

  ‘Still not been announced?’ Chris asked.

  She shook her head.

  Maybe it was delayed and wouldn’t be out until Wednesday. Maybe she’d go to bed and have a good sleep and be better prepared for the disappointment when her name wasn’t there in the morning. Maybe it was better that way. Maybe it would be easier to take the disappointment.

  That’s it, she thought. I’m not going to look again tonight. I’ll just leave it until the morning. And she kept her promise, sinking into Chris to watch the end of a film.

  So, when her phone rang at 11.05 p.m., she jumped with shock.

  ‘Who’s that?’ Chris asked. ‘Bit late to be calling,’

  ‘It’s Fran,’ Jessica said, staring at her name on the screen. ‘I’d better take it. She probably just wants to know if I’ve heard anything.’

  Chris nodded and turned his attention back to the film.

  ‘Hello sister,’ Jessica said as she answered. ‘And before you ask, the answer is no. I still haven’t heard and I’m trying not to think about it.’

  ‘Well, that isn’t what I was going to ask, but…’

  ‘Oh, what were you going to ask then?’ Jessica interrupted.

  ‘I just wanted to know what you were planning to wear?’ Fran replied.

  ‘What for?’ Jessica snapped back.

  ‘The awards ceremony,’ Fran replied.

  Jessica froze on the spot. ‘Pardon?’

  ‘I just wanted to know what you were planning to wear?’ Fran repeated slowly.

  ‘What exactly are you saying?’ Jessica asked, her words slow and calm.

  ‘I have to spell it out? Seriously Jessy?’ Fran replied. ‘I just wanted to know what you were going to wear to the awards ceremony, because I’ve just seen your name on the shortlist!’

  Jessica jumped up from the sofa and stood in front of Chris with her eyes wide open in shock.

  ‘No fucking way!’ she finally managed to reply.

  ‘Yes way, little sister!’ Fran shouted down the phone. ‘It’s time to shop for a dress, because you’ve got an awards ceremony to attend.’

  15

  Followers – 25,701

  Emails in inbox – 35

  Event invitations – 41

  Paid collaborations – 1

  Awards nominations – 1

  Award shortlists – 1

  Blogger enemies – 1

  Blogger friends – 1

&nb
sp; Dear Bella,

  Put it this way, your mother wasn’t born to be a supermodel. I was neither willowy tall, nor effortlessly skinny. My hair could be described as ‘OK’ on a good day, but ‘losing a battle with frizz’ on the average day. I was still prone to hormonal zits and I was well past the stage of blaming teenage hormones. But do you know what, Bella? I was always pretty confident about the way I looked. I occasionally donned my trainers to run around the heath to keep my thighs toned, but I never felt pressure to squeeze into a smaller size of clothing, nor to turn down a slice of chocolate cake. I think my self-image and I always had a pretty good relationship. We were on good terms. We were mates. And I expected it to always be that way.

  But from the moment I reached down and felt my empty stomach on that hospital bed, with you lying newly-born and wrinkled on my chest, my relationship with my body changed. My tummy felt and looked like a sack of jelly, jiggling as I poked and prodded it. I wasn’t revolted by it – how could I be, when it had housed you moments before? But I just didn’t feel like it was mine any more. The body I had got to know over the last three decades vanished the day I became a mother and I knew that accepting the new one was going to take some time.

  I watched that tummy deflate slowly over the course of the next few weeks, taking selfies in the mirror to compare against the previous one. ‘Oh look, my tummy is going down!’ I’d say to Daddy as I stood in front of the mirror side on, to which he looked up every time and without fail replied: ‘You look amazing, Jess!’ I always appreciated his kindness, but deep down, I didn’t believe him. I was at least a couple of sizes bigger than before, still wearing my maternity jeans and pyjamas on the sly, and often caught myself looking down and feeling like I was looking at somebody else’s thighs. I didn’t go on any crazy diets, Bella, or start pounding the pavements again (I’d need a nanny for that, as Daddy left so early in the morning and got back so late) but I did have ‘losing weight’ on the to-do list, always somewhere at the back of my mind.

  Well Bella, they say ‘nine months on, nine months off’ – and nearly bang on that milestone, you started to crawl. And suddenly, I was on my feet most of the day. I didn’t even know that I was starting to lose the weight, because I was so exhausted by this new stage of motherhood that I rarely had the time to sit and think – but when I found myself pulling up my jeans over and over again over the course of the day, I decided to treat myself to a pair a size smaller. And that’s when I knew it was happening, Bella; I was slowly morphing back into the old me.

  The baby weight hasn’t gone completely, but I’m OK with that – because when I look in the mirror, I finally see some of myself staring back. And maybe one day, I’ll pull on those trainers and head out for a run. Or maybe I won’t. But either way, I want you to know that I’m cool with it – and you should be too.

  Bodies change when you have babies. Some spring back quickly. And others, like mine, come out the other side with a little extra padding.

  A few extra pounds. A few extra curves.

  But either way, it’s all so worth it.

  I am still me.

  And now I have you.

  Love from Mummy x

  *

  Jessica had been smiling for so long that her cheeks ached.

  ‘That’s great! Can you just move a little to your left? No, not quite like that. Just move your left foot and twist your hips? That’s perfect. Yep, perfect. OK, freeze like that! And smile! A bit more! Can you smile too, Bella? Look at the silly teddy bear right above my head and smile! Can you see him? Yeah! Isn’t he funny! That’s right! Good girl! Perfect! Jessica, look back at the camera quickly! Hold it! Stay still! Perfect! Brilliant! Smile! Stay like that! OK, great! I think we’re done! I think we’ve got it! Stay there for one moment and let me check!’

  The photographer put down her camera and turned to the laptop set up on the table next to her, scrolling through the digital shots and chatting quietly with her assistant.

  ‘So we’re done?’ Jessica asked, taking a step forward. She had been stood against the giant white backdrop for the last twenty minutes, holding Bella’s hand in various poses as the photographer snapped away. She was amazed Bella hadn’t made a dramatic escape attempt halfway through the shoot or decided it was the perfect time for a tantrum. She held her breath as she waited for the photographer to deliver a verdict, hoping she would be able to quit while ahead.

  ‘Let me just check, but I think we’ve got it!’ the photographer called back, with her eyes fixed on the screen.

  Losing patience, Bella sat down and picked at the strips of masking tape that were securing the giant backdrop to the wooden floor. ’No, Bella,’ Jessica said, as she swatted her hand away. ‘Stop! Don’t touch that! Good girl, we’re nearly done now!’ She had visions of the whole thing peeling away and landing on their heads, and with three other bloggers waiting for their turn in front of the camera, that would be public humiliation at its finest.

  Jessica had been nervous about the Mama & Me photoshoot since she’d been told it was happening this week, but finding out she’d made it onto the awards shortlist had given her the confidence she needed to get on the train that morning and make her way to the head office in Islington. She finally felt like she might deserve a spot on the campaign, and in turn, felt a little less guilty about Tiggy’s departure from it.

  And since she’d got to the swanky offices just after 10 a.m., she’d been treated like a VIP, and that was a welcome relief after her last disastrous foray into London to look at pouches of baby food. After arriving in the big, shiny reception area and giving her name to one of the three sharply-dressed receptionists, she had been greeted warmly by Maria (breathing a sigh of relief that at least they were expecting her this time). She’d then been taken up in the lift to the third floor and through to the big photography studio, invited to sit down in a leather chair and had had her makeup and hair professionally styled (while Bella played in a makeshift toddler corner, filled with plastic toys and board books). She’d helped the stylist to choose outfits for them both to wear, and then she had been made to feel totally at ease in front of the camera by the lovely photographer (when she had fully expected to awkwardly giggle her way through it).

  And when the photographer finally looked up and said: ‘We’ve got it! Thank you, Jessica! Can I have my next lady please, Maria?’ Jessica exhaled in relief.

  ‘Well done,’ Maria called from her left, clapping her hands. ‘That was brilliant! You can go and get changed!’ In turn, everyone else in the studio stopped what they were doing, looked up, and clapped in unison too. Feeling her cheeks flush red, Jessica picked up Bella and strolled towards the dressing room. Emerging a few minutes later in their original outfits of the day, she went over and joined the other bloggers waiting on sofas at the back of the studio.

  ‘Well done, babe,’ Michelle said with a smile, her little girl, Felicia looking adorable in a white linen dress on her lap as they waited for their turn. She wrote the blog ‘The Single Mum Diaries’, which Jessica had always loved.

  ‘Thank you, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected!’ Jessica replied, letting Bella run off to the toys that had been moved to the corner of the studio to keep the little ones busy.

  A blogger called Katherine (AKA ‘The London Mumbles’) was now standing against the backdrop with her little girl, as the photographer snapped away. Every time a shot was taken, there was bright flash from the studio lights, accompanied by a loud pop. The photographer and stylist were giving her a stream of instructions, just as they had with Jessica a few moments before, but Katherine seemed totally comfortable from the moment she stepped into the spotlight, changing poses quickly and smiling down at her daughter.

  Jessica could tell she’d done it before.

  Pearl and Michelle had been deep in conversation as Jessica strode over, so the fact it was now so quiet made her feel uneasy. Maybe it was her that needed to break the ice.

  ‘So, all three of you were on this campai
gn last year, too?’ Jessica asked, as Michelle and Pearl turned to look at her.

  ‘We’ve all been on it for a few years now,’ Pearl replied, with Michelle nodding alongside her. ‘It’s been a good gig actually. The girls running it are pretty sound and we’ve all become quite good friends.’

  ‘There’s been a few good nights out!’ Michelle added, raising her eyebrows.

  ‘There certainly have!’ Pearl replied, laughing.

  ‘Oh wow, so you went out together as a team?’ Jessica asked, as Tiggy’s face flashed into her mind.

  ‘Yep, lots of times over the years,’ Pearl said, glancing into the pram alongside her to check her baby was still sleeping.

  Jessica’s eyes immediately moved to the sleeping newborn, who was dressed in a striped nautical dress just like her elder sister, who was playing alongside Bella on the floor.

  ‘How old is she?’ Jessica asked, smiling. Pearl wrote the blog ‘Octavia and Me’ and it suddenly struck Jessica that she might have to change the name.

  ‘Only six weeks,’ Pearl replied.

  ‘Ah congrats,’ Jessica said. ‘She’s gorgeous!’

  ‘I know I keep saying it, but I think it’s bloody amazing you’ve made it here, babe!’ Michelle said. ‘I was still in full-on pyjama mode when Felicia was six weeks old!’

  ‘Me too with Bella…’ Jessica added, smiling.

  ‘You can’t get away with that with a second though,’ Pearl replied. ‘Octavia would be running up the walls if I stuck to Delilah’s schedule!’

  ‘Oh, I love her name! I love both of their names!’ Jessica said.

  ‘Thank you’, Pearl replied, her eyes moving back to her newborn. For a moment the three ladies sat in silence, with the sound of the light popping loudly over and over again, as Katherine smiled and posed.

  ‘You happy to join the team?’ Michelle asked, turning to Jessica.

  ‘Oh, well, yeah,’ Jessica replied. ‘Surprised really, I guess. I didn’t expect to get campaigns, so it was a bit of a shock when I got the call.’

  ‘How long you been blogging then? I mean, I know it hasn’t been long, but when exactly did you start?’ Pearl asked.