From Mum With Love

by Louise Emma Clarke

  It was clear now; Tiggy thought Jessica shouldn’t have accepted her place on the campaign. She thought Jessica knew who she was replacing. She was hurt and embarrassed. Professionally and personally.

  She knew she’d been naïve. She should have done some research before she agreed to take the job. She should’ve been a bit more aware of what was going on in the world of blogging, bloggers, and brands. She shouldn’t have stepped into the middle of a storm with a smile on her face.

  But despite it all, she hadn’t meant to hurt her.

  As hard as it was to read that interview, Jessica knew it didn’t solve anything to sit there brooding about it. Over the hours that followed, she tried her best to shut it all out and focus on Bella. She distracted herself by putting together a giant jigsaw on the floor, building towers and letting Bella smash them down again, and pretending to feed her doll a bottle as Bella squealed in appreciation. She let her watch television for a while, enjoying the comforting smell of her hair and weight of her cuddle as they both zoned out on the sofa.

  She knew she only had to get through the afternoon and she could chat it all through with the girls. Because that evening, they had dinner planned, and she’d never been so desperate to see them.

  It was all thanks to an email that had arrived in Jessica’s inbox a few weeks ago, offering a complimentary meal for herself and her friends at a local restaurant. In exchange, she just had to do a quick mention on her social media feed. She wasn’t sure whether to accept the invitation at first, but the girls were so excited when she mentioned it that they made the decision to book it for that evening, so Jessica could give them a full debrief of the Mama & Me photoshoot. ‘I don’t know,’ Henny had said when the booking confirmation came through. ‘Photoshoot in the morning and dinner review in the evening… I think this is called “The Big Time”, babe!’

  And as soon as she greeted the girls in the small restaurant just a few hours later, she felt like herself again.

  ‘I know it’s shit,’ Deena said, looking over her menu at Jessica, ‘But not many people can say they’ve been the main talking point of an interview on The Daily Gossip…’

  ‘Well, my name wasn’t mentioned…’ Jessica replied. ‘But yes, I guess this is true.’

  ‘Except nineties boy band members,’ Mel chipped in.

  ‘And desperate reality TV stars,’ Henny continued.

  ‘And anyone who has ever met the Kardashians,’ Mel added.

  ‘Or their second cousins, twice removed,’ Deena said, with a smile.

  ‘Oi!’ Jessica laughed. ‘This is not helping!’ But as the girls all laughed along with her, she knew it was helping. She was feeling better by the second.

  ‘I read it as soon as you sent the link,’ Henny said. ‘And she clearly thinks you took the job to spite her, doesn’t she?’

  Jessica sighed. ‘I think so. She probably assumes I’ve done everything in my power to claw my way to the top. But it couldn’t be further from the truth. I feel totally unprepared for all this.’

  ‘I think you should be flattered,’ Deena said. ‘This confirms that she sees you as a massive threat.’

  Jessica shrugged. ‘That’s pretty much what Wendy said about it all.’

  ‘But she’s shot herself in the foot,’ Mel added. ‘Does she seriously think the people in charge of the awards won’t be reading this shit?’

  ‘Maybe,’ Jessica replied. ‘It’s made me feel like such a bitch, though.’

  ‘Babe!’ Henny shot back. ‘Stop it! The fact you’re even worrying about it shows that you aren’t at all!’

  Jessica smiled. ‘Thanks Hen. I just can’t help feeling a bit sorry for her, though… Despite everything.’

  ‘That’s because you’ve got a heart,’ Mel said, as she picked up her glass of soda water. ‘Unlike that bitch!’

  The girls all laughed in unison, taking sips from their drinks.

  ‘Anyway, let’s forget it,’ Jessica said, shaking her head. ‘It’s been a really long day.’

  ‘Tell me about it,’ Mel replied. ‘Another day goes by and I still haven’t heard from my arsehole of a husband.’

  ‘Fucking hell,’ Deena said. ‘Really? Nothing?’

  Mel shook her head.

  ‘So what’s it been now? A week?’ Henny asked.

  ‘Ten days,’ Mel replied quickly, biting her lip.

  ‘And you’ve got no idea when he’s flying back?’ Jessica asked.

  ‘Not a clue,’ Mel replied. ‘But I know it’s over. I’ve changed the locks, so he can’t just let himself in. I’ve messaged to tell him I’ve already contacted my solicitor and I’ll be communicating through her ongoing. I assume he’ll want to see Lara at some point, so we need to work that all out. Well, I mean I assume so but to be honest, nothing would surprise me any more.’

  ‘Wow,’ Deena said, staring down at her menu. ‘It’s crazy how quickly this has all happened. It only seems like yesterday that we were all at your house and he was lighting the barbecue.’

  ‘Completely crazy,’ Mel replied, shaking her head.

  ‘And what… what about the baby?’ Henny asked apprehensively.

  ‘This one?’ Mel asked, pointing at her stomach.

  Henny nodded.

  ‘I’m still not totally sure but the one thing that keeps going round my head is that this pregnancy might be a setback for me and a major inconvenience for Steven, but it’s probably the best thing that could happen for Lara. To grow up with a full brother or sister… Well, this is going to be her only chance now, isn’t it?’ Mel said, folding and unfolding her napkin as she spoke. ‘And maybe she needs a sibling, being shunted around different houses every weekend, every school holiday, and every Christmas. I don’t know, maybe she needs a little brother or sister so she doesn’t have to do that all alone.’

  ‘So maybe it’s a blessing?’ Henny asked.

  ‘Maybe.’ Mel shrugged her shoulders. ‘And at least I can go ahead and get a nanny now he’s out of the picture. He won’t be able to tell me I’m a shit excuse for a mother any more, just because I want to return to the career ladder I spent years trying to climb…’

  ‘He didn’t actually say that, did he?’ Jessica asked, holding her knife and fork still. ‘That you’re a shit mother?’

  ‘Pretty much,’ Mel replied, shaking her head.

  ‘Well, you know we are all here for you,’ Henny replied.

  ‘I’ll drink to that,’ Deena said, lifting her wine glass towards her friends.

  ‘Me too.’ Jessica raised her glass.

  ‘And me,’ Henny joined in.

  ‘Here’s to a life without my wanker husband, surrounded by my three best friends,’ Mel replied, chinking her glass of tonic water.

  ‘And here’s to one of those friends being gossiped about, alongside the boy band members, reality stars, and Kardashian-meeter-and-greeters!’ Deena added, as the four of them chinked their glasses again.

  ‘At least life isn’t boring!’ Jessica said, laughing.

  ‘And thank fuck for that!’ Mel replied, smiling at her friends.

  17

  Followers – 39,978

  Emails in inbox – 199

  Event invitations – 61

  Award nominations – 1

  Award shortlists – 1

  Blogger enemies – 1

  Blogger friends – 1

  Newspaper features – 1

  Spotted by followers – 1

  Dear Bella,

  When you were ten months old, you taught me a valuable lesson about motherhood. Distracted by the chicken soup I was making for my lunch, which was bubbling and spilling out of the saucepan, I forgot about you for a moment. Just a few moments, when my attention was totally focused on saving that soup. I lifted the pan, turned down the heat, and tested a little bit to see whether it needed seasoning.

  And when I was happy with the flavour and had left it to simmer gently on the hob, I was distracted by a dirty dish on the side that I’d been so
aking all morning, so I washed it up. And then a recipe book caught my eye, propped between the microwave and the wall, and I flicked through for a few minutes, suddenly feeling inspired to cook something warming for Daddy and me for dinner. I was humming something to myself, probably something I’d been listening to on the radio moments before, when I suddenly I realised I’d forgotten about you.

  Sheer panic coursed through my body as I darted out the kitchen to find you. And there you were, sat at the very top of the stairs, so proud and triumphant that you’d managed it. And there was me at the bottom, frozen to the spot for a split second in panic, before calling your name and screaming. ‘DON’T MOVE! BELLA! STAY THERE!’ as I ran up three steps at a time, nearly tripping myself up in the process, and carried you down to safety with my heart pounding and my legs shaking with nerves.

  I was lucky that day. Very lucky. I knew that. If was the first time you’d ever discovered the stairs and if you’d decided to reverse, or turn, or come back down, you would have fallen – and I would have heard the thuds as I was reading through a list of ingredients for a beef stroganoff in the kitchen. Until then, I’d been adamant we didn’t need to get a safety gate, because I was always with you. You were never on your own. But that evening, before he’d even had a chance to eat his dinner, Daddy grabbed the car keys and drove to a DIY superstore to buy a stair gate – and I stayed at home on the sofa, filled with guilt, and worry, and a horrible sense of failure.

  But that day I learnt something, Bella. I learnt that despite someone’s determination to be the very best mother in the world, everybody makes mistakes. I learnt that I may be a mother now, but I am still Jessica and I don’t come equipped with a superhero cape. And as the months have ticked on and you have got braver and more inquisitive, similar things have happened. A fall off the sofa onto your head; a split second in the supermarket when you ran from my sight; a pebble grabbed hastily from your mouth. Lapses of concentration. Chinks in my armour. And ultimately reminders that the goalposts will keep changing and that I am bound to make mistakes.

  As the years tick on, I will make more of them.

  And while that fills me with dread, I know it’s all part of being a mother and that you will continue teaching me lessons, day after day, month after month, year after year.

  But know this; I will always try my best, Bella.

  To keep you safe.

  To keep you from harm.

  I will do my best, every single day.

  I promise.

  Love Mummy x

  *

  It was Thursday 31st August and the awards ceremony was just two days away.

  Jessica was strolling alongside the grass in Blackheath, with the sun shining warmly on her shoulders and a cool breeze in her hair. She had the whole day reserved to spend with Fran; shopping for a dress to wear together and then heading out for drinks to properly catch up. And Jessica couldn’t wait. She couldn’t wait for the freedom to be childfree again for the day. For the opportunity to chat. For the chance to buy an item of clothing that was actually for her and not for her daughter. It was going to be a good day. She just had a feeling about it.

  The sisters had arranged to head for coffee first and Jessica had suggested meeting in Spill the Bean. She missed stepping through those familiar wooden doors every day and smiling at the baristas behind the counter, while ordering her usual coffee to take back to her desk. Return visits to the village weren’t complete without a pit stop, and she was just a few steps away when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

  ‘Hi!’ she said happily, turning towards the person she assumed was Fran. ‘Oh sorry, I thought you were my sister…’

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ the blonde lady said, blushing a little as she spoke. ‘But do you mind me asking if you write the blog “Letters to my Daughter”?’

  ‘Uh, yes…’ Jessica stuttered.

  ‘God, I’m so embarrassed,’ the lady said, nervously fiddling with her hair. ‘I never do things like this, but I just had to ask! I feel like I know you! I’ve been reading your blog since the beginning and I love it! I really, really love it!’

  ‘Oh wow, this is the first time this has happened,’ Jessica replied, feeling her own cheeks start to turn red. ‘Well hello, it’s lovely to meet you!’

  ‘I’m so sorry, I feel like an absolute tit now. But I couldn’t just let you walk past without telling you! I was just reading about you in the paper this morning, so it’s really strange that I’ve bumped into you! I’m a big fan!’

  ‘The paper?’ Jessica asked.

  ‘Yes, you know, the feature in The Scoop this morning,’ the lady replied.

  ‘No. What? Sorry, No, I didn’t know. What was it about?’ Jessica asked, stuttering her words.

  ‘You haven’t seen it?’ the lady asked. ‘It’s about the awards you’ve been shortlisted for. Anyway, I’m late to collect my little boy so I’d better go but I’m so happy to meet you! Good luck at the awards! You deserve to win it!’

  ‘Lovely to meet you,’ Jessica replied, watching the lady stroll away with her mouth open in shock.

  She walked through the doors of the café on autopilot. She was a few minutes late, but true to form, Fran was nowhere to be seen, so Jessica chose a table and sat down.

  Pulling her phone from her bag, she typed a message to Fran as quickly as she could.

  Hi, I’m here. Can you grab a copy of The Scoop when you walk past the newsagent? It’s important. Thanks.

  ‘Hey!’ a voice suddenly said, strolling towards her table.

  Jessica looked up. ‘Meryl! Hi! How are you?’ She stood up and kissed her on the cheek, smiling widely.

  ‘How are you, darling?!’ Meryl asked, drying her hands on her apron as she spoke. ‘And where’s the baby?’

  ‘Oh, I left her with her granny today! It’s mummy-only time!’ Jessica replied with a smile.

  Meryl smiled. ‘What do you want, darling? Black coffee, two sugars?’

  ‘Exactly,’ Jessica said, feeling very at home. ‘You haven’t lost your touch!’

  ‘How could I forget?’ Meryl called to her, as she walked back to the counter. ‘It’ll be with you in a few moments, darling!’

  Left on her own, Jessica glanced down at her phone – and suddenly a newspaper was slammed down on the table next to it. It was The Scoop.

  ‘Hey, Jessy,’ Fran said, as her sister stood up to hug her. ‘What did you want this rag for?’

  ‘Well,’ Jessica replied. ‘Apparently I’m in it!’

  ‘What the fuck? Why?’ Fran replied quickly, grabbing the paper off the table.

  Jessica grabbed it back. ‘No way! I’m looking first!’

  Sitting down, Jessica spread out the paper on the table and began flicking through the pages. As each page opened, the two of them studied every inch of text, unsure whether it would be a small column or a larger piece. And just before they reached the middle of the paper, there it was. In full colour. Two whole pages. A spread.

  TOP PARENTING BLOGGERS FIGHT IT OUT

  the headline read, with colour images of the four bloggers in the shortlist underneath.

  ‘Fucking hell!’ Jessica blurted out, as her eyes scanned over the page.

  Jessica was pictured second from left, standing in Henny’s lounge on that alcohol-fuelled night, raising her champagne glass to the camera. Flushed cheeks, a couple of blemishes visible on her chin, hair that probably needed a brush, and a slightly blurred finish to the photo, thanks to it being taken on a phone camera that should probably have been upgraded a few years ago.

  Next to her, Tiggy was pictured on the far left of the page, her blonde hair styled perfectly as she smiled with her bright, white teeth. She was standing in her kitchen, with mint green kitchen appliances surrounding her. Her hands were covered in flour as she kneaded dough, with a child in an apron smiling next to her. Jessica inwardly groaned at the perfection of the photo. She just looked so happy and wholesome. Her kitchen so perfect and bright. Her activities so fun and
educational. Pretty much the opposite of Jessica’s photo.

  On the right-hand page of the spread, Jackson was pictured first. Sitting in the driving seat of a car, with the photo taken through the open driver door. It looked like a promotional photo for a family car, with his wife slightly blurred in the passenger seat, and their children visible in the back. He looked cool in skinny jeans and a leather jacket, a pair of aviator sunglasses attached to his top.

  And finally, Wendy was pictured on the far right of the page. Her photo was taken in the park, and Jessica remembered seeing it in a recent blog post. It didn’t look professionally lit or composed, but it was certainly better than Jessica’s effort. Dressed in a nautical striped jumper, skinny jeans and black ballet pumps, her black curls tumbling free and her bright white smile wide, she was looking proudly at Adeline as she held her hand.

  Underneath each photo, the journalist had summarised their blogs…

  Much-loved blogger, Tiggy Blenheim, documents her life in the countryside in Tiggy Does Motherhood! Head over to her blog to read about child-friendly adventures, fun activities, Mama-and-me style, and chic interiors – be prepared to fall in love with everything in Tiggy’s world.

  A new addition to the blogging scene, Jessica Holmes writes through the medium of letters to her young daughter. These insights are brutally honest, about the highs and lows of motherhood: pregnancy haemorrhoids, expanding thighs, or sending her husband out to buy more maternity pads!

  Jackson Freeman is the dad that all fathers wish they could be! His blog drips with cool, from the most stylish cars to drive the brood around in, to the most fashionable togs for heading outdoors to entertain them, and the most delicious restaurants in Yorkshire to feed them!