Ellie's Redemption

by Molly Jebber

  Joel gazed at her, his jaw set. “You need to tell me everything if we’re going to continue our relationship.”

  She flexed her hands and folded them tight until her knuckles turned white. She couldn’t stand to lose him, but she feared the worst. She groaned. “Please, Joel. Let’s leave the past where it belongs.”

  He stopped pacing and looked at her. “Ellie, tell me everything.”

  “I went to a dance, listened to piano music, and read the newspaper often.” She focused on the dead, dry leaves near the blanket, not far from her feet. Like them, her relationship with Joel was dying.

  He huffed. “Did you dance with strangers?”

  Her breath caught in her throat. This conversation was going from bad to worse. “I did, but nothing happened. I didn’t go anywhere with them. They were all gentlemen.”

  “What changed your mind to kumme back to your daed?”

  “Duke had kumme home in a bad mood one evening. He grabbed my arm to pull me to him. I pushed him away. Jane rescued me from him and told him to leave me alone. He did, and he went to bed. Jane took me home the next day. I wasn’t safe there any longer.”

  “So you didn’t kumme home to ask forgiveness?”

  She hadn’t been ready to ask for forgiveness when she returned. How could she make him understand the horrible grief that had made her angry, frustrated, sad, and in so much pain? She couldn’t reconcile it in her own mind. She’d justified her actions at the time. Now, she understood she’d been sinful and irresponsible. “Nah. I was still upset about Mamm and losing my close friendship with Jane once I’d returned to my Amish community. I boasted about my time in the world, and I proved a challenge for Daed. I regret all of it.” She stole a glance at Joel and ached at the shock reflected in his face. “I’m remorseful about all my dreadful actions.”

  He threw his hat on the ground and combed his fingers through his sandy blond hair. “I am stunned at what you’ve told me. You’re not the girl I imagined. You as a rebellious, disobedient, and somewhat wild girl is far from the Ellie I know.”

  She stood. He’d been faithful to God as he mourned the loss of Maryann from his life. Would he ever really grasp why she may have reacted in this way?

  She gazed at him. “I promise you, Joel, you can trust me.”

  “Ellie, I’m confused and disappointed.” He sat back on the blanket and stared at the fire.

  She pressed her hands to her cheeks. She had to tell him everything. She wanted to erase the tension between them, but she had to tell him the rest. She cringed. “My rebellion didn’t stop there.” She studied her shaking hands. “Bill Phillips befriended me in town. We met and talked without Daed’s knowledge. He was a good listener and empathetic, and we became friends. He had a horrible daed, and I hadn’t overcome my need to rebel. We planned to run away. He took me to his aunt and uncle’s haus.” She met his gaze. “We stayed in separate rooms, and nothing inappropriate happened. We were never more than friends.”

  “You left twice!” He stood and backed away from her. “Did you tell your daed where you were going this time?”

  She kept her head down. “Nah. I didn’t tell Daed a thing. And jah, I left the Amish life twice.” Joel’s disappointment sent chills through her body.

  “Were you falling in love with him?”

  He glared at her, and she knew a wrong answer could sever their relationship for good. Not one doubt could be left in his mind about Bill. She’d never been so glad than at this moment that she’d not thought of Bill as anything more than a friend. “Nah!” She shook her head. “He wanted more than friendship, but I didn’t care for him as more than a friend. He understood.”

  “How did his aunt and uncle receive you?”

  “They wilkomed me, and his aunt took me under her wing. She loves God and her family. I’ll always be grateful to her. She helped me heal. I asked Bill to bring me home, and by this time, I had changed. I desired to follow God and the Amish life. God, my family, and friends forgave me, and I will remain forever thankful.”

  “Is there anything you’ve left out?”

  “There is more. Bill’s daed passed our haus soon after he’d brought me home. He threatened Bill and Daed with a rifle. He was angry at Bill and blamed me for our leaving Charm. Mr. Phillips isn’t fond of the Amish. He has a reputation in town as a bully and troublemaker. He held Daed responsible for raising such a rebellious dochder and blamed me for taking Bill away from him. He set fire to our fence, which could’ve destroyed much of our property had Daed not caught it in time. Another time, Mr. Phillips threatened to harm Daed when he went looking for me at their home before I came back.” Her stomach churned. She’d have held herself as responsible as the troublemaker if he’d ended her daed’s life. “I’m remorseful about it to this day.”

  She sighed and clutched her arms. She wouldn’t blame Joel if he ran as fast as he could away from her. But she prayed he would stay and give her the chance she didn’t deserve.

  “What did Bill do?”

  “Mr. Phillips left in a huff. The sheriff stopped by later and told us Mr. Phillips had gone to the saloon and gotten in a brawl, injuring a man. The sheriff had locked him in jail. Daed didn’t approve of Bill taking me away, but he and Bill talked. Daed trusted me when I told him Bill had not been dishonorable to me in any way and he had remained a friend. Daed listened to Bill, and he had empathy for him and his mamm. He offered Bill money to help him out. Bill went home and asked his mamm to leave with him, and she agreed. They fled town and went to live with his aunt and uncle.”

  “You went to great lengths to ruin your reputation and hurt your daed.” He glowered at her and shook his head. “You not only brought danger to yourself but others. The opposite of what Amish are taught from the time they are kinner. We abhor trouble and violence. Didn’t you realize the effect your actions would have on your family?”

  “Stop, Joel. Please stop. I have to live with what I did, and repeating it to you makes me sick about it all over again. God’s and my family’s and friends’ unconditional love helped me to get through the pain and discover happiness again. I’ve told you everything. I can’t talk about this anymore. You have to decide if you can put this behind you and move forward with me.” She shifted her gaze to her shoes.

  “I’ve never understood kinner practicing rumspringa. Kinner running off to explore their selfish desires and turning their backs on God and their parents. Going against everything they’ve been taught and what’s proven to be the best for them. What you did was worse. You left no word as to your whereabouts, and you returned with the same obstinate attitude and then left again. This time almost getting your daed murdered.”

  He backed up to the large oak tree trunk and leaned against it, crossing his arms. “I don’t understand you or Maryann. I don’t believe she was curious about the world. She was gullible, and I think this Englischer husband of hers made a big impression and she fell in love with him. I doubt she would’ve left if it wasn’t for him, but not because she wanted to explore what the world had to offer. I’m still frustrated with her for leaving. She was foolish.” He narrowed his eyes. “You sought out an escape. No one pushed you to leave with them.”

  Her face heated, and her mind raced. She fought to control her tongue. “No one is without sin, Joel Wenger. Not even you. I imagine you’ll regret some of your harsh words to me as you ponder our conversation later. I don’t recognize this side of you.” She understood this information might have shocked him, but there was no need to let him go on and on with his scolding.

  She went to him. “I’ve learned from my mistakes. I can’t change my past, and I can’t speak for Maryann, but you shouldn’t judge either of us. I reacted to grief over my mamm by running away from my life and everything familiar, but I returned and repented.” Her lips quivered. “Love is powerful. And I do believe God never leaves or forsakes us if we truly believe in him, whether we’re Amish or not.”

  He huffed. “Ellie, even if I agree to wo
rk toward a future with you, regardless of what you’ve told me, I have my family to consider. Maryann has caused such great pain to my parents. What if my parents accept and love you, and we marry one day, and then we suffer a tragedy? How do I know you won’t react by running away and breaking our hearts? I can’t take the risk.”

  Her heart plummeted, and tears pooled in her eyes. “Joel, what are you saying?”

  “I’m saying you’ve shattered any chance of a future for us with this tale.”

  She wrung her hands and didn’t touch the tears wetting her cheeks. “But, Joel, what about forgiveness?”

  He held her gaze, and his voice softened. “I forgive you, Ellie. I just can’t forget it.”

  She didn’t care if the gesture was improper, she had to connect with him. She reached out to touch his arm but dropped her hand to her side. Her heart couldn’t withstand his rejection if he jerked away. “Please, Joel. I don’t want our chance for a future to end.” She was certain she’d never love anyone like she did him. His schweschder’s leaving the Amish life had tainted his view and made her revelation much worse for him to take in. She was sure of it. She had to convince him he had nothing to worry about. “I promise you, no matter what happens in our lives, I would never leave you if our relationship leads to marriage.”

  His face reddened. “Love means being honest. You kept your past from me, knowing the gossips were right about you. How could you?” He raked fingers through his thick, sandy blond hair. “I refused to believe Abigail or what Mamm had been told about you. I wouldn’t even let them speak about it to me. You should have told me right away about your past. Instead, you were deceitful.”

  She stood erect. “Deceitful!”

  “Jah. You should’ve told me sooner. Instead, you waited in the hopes I’d fall for you, to make it harder for me to leave if I couldn’t accept what you’ve told me today. Well done. You succeeded. It is hard to walk away from you, but I won’t live a life wondering if you’ll revert back to your old ways.” He walked away from her, then glanced over his shoulder. “I’ll take you home. I don’t have anything more to say.” He untied his mare and waited for her to get in, and they left.

  She fisted her hands under her chin. The silent and short ride home was long. She couldn’t shake the sadness and ache of regret filling her from head to toe. Liza had warned her more than once to tell Joel sooner rather than later about her abrupt exits from Nappanee and Charm. The cost of her delay in telling him had been him leaving her. His set jaw and accusations of deceit didn’t lend much hope for a reconciliation.

  He halted the buggy. “Please give your parents my regards.”

  She got out of the buggy and turned to ask him if he’d stay and talk more. She didn’t want to let him go. Especially not like this.

  He tugged on the reins and left in haste.

  Tears wet her cheeks. She swiped them from her face and swallowed. She’d steal a few minutes before going inside the haus. She paced back and forth in front of the smokehaus. She had lost him for good. It hurt so much.

  Liza came outside. She patted the bench close by. “Kumme sit.”

  Ellie plopped next to her.

  Liza circled her shoulders in a hug. “I noticed you alone and pacing. What’s wrong?”

  Ellie wrapped her arms around Liza and rested her head on her stepmamm’s shoulder. “You were right. Delaying telling Joel about what I’d done was the wrong thing to do.” She cried and clung to Liza in the silence.

  Liza kissed Ellie’s hair. “I’m sorry you’re suffering. I’d do anything to take this pain from you. Would it help if Jacob spoke to him on your behalf ?”

  Ellie separated from Liza and shook her head. She swiped her cheeks with the backs of her hands. “He has a good relationship with you and Daed. I’d rather not involve you.” Ellie told Liza about Maryann. “He’s been scarred by his schweschder’s leaving. They were close. He and I had grown serious about each other. Now he doesn’t trust me. I brought this on myself. I should’ve been honest. I knew deep in my heart this might happen.”

  Liza reached for Ellie’s hand. “Your confession was a lot for him to absorb. His heart may not let him walk away for good. If God intends for you and Joel to marry one day, it will happen. If not, God will carry you through this difficult time, and your family and friends will too.”

  “One of the best decisions I ever made was letting go of my fears about you and telling Daed to marry you.” She gently squeezed Liza’s hand.

  “I love you, Ellie. Everything will be all right. The hard part is having patience.”

  “Patient, I’m not.” She managed a weak half-grin. “Do you mind telling Daed? I don’t relish rehashing this again right now.”

  “I’ll tell him. Why don’t you go to your room and rest?”

  Liza rose and pulled Ellie up by her hands. “It’s getting chilly. Kumme on. We’ll walk inside the haus together.”

  She nodded and went inside. Daed snored on the settee, and Peter was asleep curled up on a blanket on the floor next to his wooden animals. She grinned at Liza and tiptoed to her room and closed the door. Falling back on her bed, she stared at the ceiling. Tears pooled in her eyes. She loved Joel so much. She never expected her past actions to inflict such heartache. She closed her eyes. “Dear Heavenly Father, forgive me for deceiving Joel. Please bring us back together if it is your will. If not, please give me the strength to get through this. Amen.”

  She pressed a fist to her heart. The future looked bleak for her and Joel. Mrs. Wenger didn’t approve of her, and now Joel wanted nothing to do with her. If Amish allowed dancing, Mrs. Wenger would be dancing in the streets over their relationship ending.

  The future with Joel appeared impossible, but with God, everything was possible. What did God have in mind for them, and would it be together or apart?

  Chapter Seven

  Ellie went to the kitchen. Peter and Daed were at the table devouring eggs and bacon. She didn’t want to ruin their morning with her sadness. She’d put on a good front. “Good morning, you two.” She poured herself a cup of coffee. “Where’s Liza this fine Thursday morning?”

  “She’s sick with a tummy ache.” Peter smiled at her with milk covering his top lip.

  “I insisted she stay home today. She was fine when she came to bed. Around midnight, I woke and went to the outhaus to find her. I knocked on the door, and she told me she’d been making frequent visits there for a couple of hours. She’s finally sleeping.” Daed reached over and tousled Peter’s hair.

  Peter giggled and forked another piece of egg.

  Ellie sipped her coffee. “I’m concerned about Liza. Should I ask the doctor to kumme and check on her? She hardly ever gets sick.”

  “Nah. She won’t hear of it. She insists she’ll be fine. Let’s give her a day or so. Might be something she ate.” He put his mug in the sink. “I’m sorry about Joel. Liza told us.” He rose and kissed her forehead.

  “Danki, Daed.” She respected Daed for not skirting around Joel and her having parted ways. He’d been good to communicate with her and create their close relationship.

  Peter heaved a heavy sigh. “I’m going to miss him around here.”

  “I will too.” She couldn’t stand the thought of food. She drank her coffee and rinsed the mug. “May I fix the two of you more breakfast?”

  “Nah, I’m full.” Peter slid off his seat and handed her his plate.

  Daed waved a hand. “You go pick up Hannah.” He tousled Peter’s hair. “I’ll drop you at the schoolhaus after I clean the kitchen.”

  “I’ll help you, Daed.” Ellie picked up a dishrag.

  He took it from her. “Nah. You go on. I can handle things here. Hannah will be waiting for you. Your horse and buggy are ready.”

  She kissed his cheek and Peter’s. “Danki. Tell Liza I hope she’s better soon.”

  Her daed opened the kitchen cabinet door. “Will do.”

  “Have a good day, Ellie!” Peter opened the door for her.


  Not long ago, she’d been alone with her daed. She never would’ve imagined Peter or Liza being in their lives. Her heart was full of love for them, and her life was happier with them in it. She’d miss Liza at the bakery today and hoped she was better by the time she got home. Not knowing what was wrong with her stepmamm concerned her.

  She wished her future would include Joel. She’d fantasized what being married to him would entail. He’d farm, and she’d take care of their haus. They’d laugh, plan for kinner, and have picnics and long walks discussing their days.

  She snatched her brown crocheted shawl from the hook by the door and went to her buggy. Breathing in the cool refreshing air, she admired the beautiful pitch-black colt grazing in the neighbor’s yard. Anything to take her mind off Joel for a second was good.

  She readied her buggy, enjoyed her ride on the way to Hannah’s. She arrived and halted the buggy where Hannah stood outside. “Good morning.”

  Hannah slid in on the bench next to her. “Where’s Liza?”

  “Sick with an upset stomach. I offered to get the doctor, but Daed said to give her a day or so.”

  Hannah frowned. “I hope she gets over it soon. She’s always so caring about all of us. Is there anything we can do?”

  “Nah. I’ll run home to check on her and kumme back this afternoon, if you don’t mind managing the store. Hopefully, she’ll be over her sickness. If not, I’ll insist on taking her to the doctor.”

  “I’ll be glad to wait on customers while you go to her. I’m sure your daed will keep an eye on her, but I’ll rest easier when she’s better and not worse.”

  “Me too.” She frowned. “I’ve got more bad news.”

  Hannah slapped her legs and shifted to Ellie. “What?”

  “I told Joel about my leaving the Amish life twice, and he was none too happy. He severed ties with me.”

  Hannah’s hands flew to her open mouth. “I’m speechless. I’m so sorry, Ellie.”