The Superfarter

by Cal Osborne

  Chapter 3 - Fart Clouds

  I could not stop thinking about Milo’s fart cloud. I tried to think of how to catch the superfarter with them. Maybe I could feed the super farter a fart-room. Then when he farted, all the kids would see where it came from. No – it couldn’t work. I didn’t even know who the super-farter was.

  But what choice did I have? I could not live my life in shame with everyone calling me Danny Farter. I had to work out who the super farter was. I could let the world know, clear my name and be the school hero. Danny the Fart Slayer they would call me. The choice was easy. I had to do it. I had to find the super-farter. It was up to me.

  There was a problem though. I had to find out if puffball puffball fartrooms would work on people. Maybe they just worked on dogs. To find out I was going to have to eat one.

  I hate mushrooms. Sometimes mum tries to sneak them into our dinner. She cuts them up small and mixes them in with spaghetti. I always know though. They taste horrible. I don’t like how they feel in my mouth. They’re like squeaky soft rubber. Yuk. Gross. This was not going to be easy.

  I went out to the water tank to look for puffball fartroom. There was still a couple left. Milo had stopped eating them since he ate the last lot. I think his sore belly had turned him off them. I picked a couple and took them out to our shed. I did it in secret. I didn’t think mum or dad would like me eating them. I put them down on dads work bench. They looked horrible. Lumpy, brown and yucky.

  I snapped a big chunk off one of the puffball fartrooms. I had to do it slowly or the puffy green stuff would puff up in the air. The fartoom was full of green powder. I scooped some up. “Gross” I said to myself. I closed my eyes tight and tried to think about something yummy. “Chocolate cake, chocolate cake, chocolate cake” I said to myself. Then I threw it in my mouth. “YUUUUUUUKK!”

  Think about the most horrible thing you’ve ever eaten. Brussel sprouts. Cabbage. Peas. Beans. Broccoli. Cauliflower. It was worse. Much, much worse. My whole face screwed up. I wanted to spit it out. I chewed it for a second, but then I thought I was going to be sick. But I couldn’t. I had to eat it. I took a great big GULP. It slid down my throat slowly. My whole mouth could taste it. My throat could taste it. My nose could even taste it. It felt like my body could taste it. I shook like my body was cold.

  “UUUUUUURRRRRRHH” I heard myself say. I must have been standing too close to the puffball fartroom. As I said it a cloud of green smoke puffed out of the fart-room. It went up my nose and made me feel even sicker. The green powder sort of stuck to my face and made my face look a bit green.

  I ran out of the shed and over to the tap. I turned it on and started drinking. Slurp, slurp, slurp. I must have drunk a whole bucket before I got rid of that horrible taste. I’ll never forget how bad it was. “YUK”.

  As I was drinking to get rid of that yucky taste, I looked up and saw Milo. I know this can’t be true. I know dogs can’t do this. I must have been seeing things. But as I looked up it looked like Milo was….well….laughing at me.

  I sat down on the front step. “It’s over” I thought “I’m not doing that again”. It was just too hard. I gave up. There’s no way I was ever going to eat another one. The taste was just too bad.

  Milo came over and licked the green stuff off my face. “Yuck!” I thought. I was worried. Milo had eaten a few puffball fartrooms to make his fart-cloud. I’d only had a bite but there’s just no way I was going to do it again. There’s no way I could feed the super-farter enough of these to catch him. “They were gross. Looks like I won’t catch the super-farter after all.” I said to Milo.

  I didn’t feel very good after that. My belly was sore and I felt a little woozy. I felt hot and had sweat on my head. I walked into the kitchen. “Dinner is ready” Mum said “I’ve made spaghetti”. I took one look and saw bits of mushroom sticking out of the spaghetti. “I don’t feel well, Mum.” I said.

  I went to bed early. My belly hurt a lot. I didn’t want to tell mum what I’d done in case she got mad at me. It took me a long time to get to sleep.

  In the middle of the night I woke up with a huge pain in my belly. I grabbed it with my hands. I don’t know why I did that. It’s not like I could grab the pain and get it out. “UUUUUURRRRRRHHHH” I groaned. “UUUUURRRRRRHHHH”. I rolled over. Then, I farted. A great big loud fart. BRRRRRRRRRRRRR. I felt better straight away. I smiled. Relief. My belly was better.

  My room was pretty dark, but in the light of my lamp I noticed something. It looked like…I’m not sure. It was hard to see…was it…a CLOUD?! It was a cloud. I jumped up and turned my light on. There in my room was a large, fluffy, light green fart cloud.

  It worked. I was now an inventor. Forget about that guy who made the light. Or that other guy who made the telephone. Or even that guy who made the first car. I was the first person ever to make farts you could see.

  I stood there for a second. I thought about the statue they would make of me. I thought about the key to the city they would give me. I thought about the money I would make from me new invention. I thought….”PHEW! That stinks”. I opened the window and watched the fart cloud fade and float away. “Brilliant!” I thought.

  The next morning was Saturday. I woke up early. I had a plan. If I was going to catch the super-farter I was going to need some help. I rang Pani, Dordles and Tyler and invited them over to my house. While I was waiting I went into the kitchen and saw mum. I told her I had a sore tummy even though I didn’t. She got a bottle of ‘Tummyright’ tummy medicine down and gave me some. After that I grabbed a spoon and the jar of peanut butter and went to the shed. I broke another piece off the fart-room. I made sure the piece had plenty of green stuff on it. I dipped the spoon in the peanut butter and got it ready. I shoved the piece of fart-room in my mouth. Then I quickly shoved in the spoon full of peanut butter in. It tasted…horrible. Yuk! Yuk! Yuk! Yuk! Bluuurrr!

  About 2 hours later Pani and Tyler got to my house. My tummy was rumbling. It didn’t hurt though. The medicine mum gave me had worked. I needed to fart, but I wanted to wait until Dordles got there. We played on the wii and kicked the football. I didn’t run around much because I need to fart so badly.

  Dordles finally got there about an hour late. I was busting by then. I was walking funny because I had to squeeze my legs night to keep the fart in. “Whuts wrong Dunny?” said Dordles.” You got a sore leg?” “I’ll show you in the shed” I said.

  I took them all into the shed to show them the farts you can see. First, I made them promise to never tell anyone. I made them all raise their right hand and repeat this vow.

  “I will never tell anyone about puffball puffball fartrooms”. They all laughed because it was a funny thing to say. It’s even funnier if you don’t know what puffball puffball fartrooms are. “I will not tell anyone about farts clouds.” They laughed louder. They looked at each other and smiled. They thought I’d gone mad. “If I do – all my toys, comics and computer games belong to Danny. No returns. Forever.”

  They were still giggling when they finished. With that, I lifted one leg and let out a long, loud fart. It came out in four bits. ‘BRRRRRUUUUURP – BRRRUPP – BRUUUUPPP – BRRRUPP’. As each bit of the fart came out a separate cloud came out. Puff – puff – puff – puff. Four floating green fart clouds. The laughing stopped.

  The boys all looked shocked. Their mouths dropped open. They just watched the clouds float up and move towards them. They’re eyes were wide open. Then Tyler yelled “POOOOAAR! That stinks”. They all started screaming and ran through the door outside. When they got outside we fell on the ground laughing, and laughing and laughing.