Entanglement

by Max Ellendale

  "Hi," she said, a small smile playing on her lips.

  Angelina stood there for an awkward second before jutting her thumb over her shoulder. "I'm gonna go ahead and bolt."

  I nodded, keeping my focus on Mira. Angelina backed away, leaving the two of us alone in the entryway.

  "We can…go outside for a few minutes if you want?"

  "Sure," she said, her posture stiff and doctor-esque in public.

  I led her through the gym toward the back of the building where employee picnic tables filled the grass near the farthest portion of the parking lot. I took a seat on one of the benches, and she sat across from me, both of us leaning our elbows on the table. We didn't say anything until she ran her finger over my raw, welted knuckles.

  "I don't like our plan," she said, her voice soft. "It's isolating."

  "Yeah." I turned my hand over and she rested her fingers against my palm. "It is."

  "Finding you at work was a bit of a challenge." She smirked, and it made me chuckle.

  "But you did." I tickled her palm and her expression lifted while she watched me. "And I'm a sweaty mess."

  "I saw you fighting that man. Impressive." She cleared her throat. "You're impressive. I was watching this old crime show and you remind me of—"

  "Criminal Minds?" I laughed, remembering Angelina's comment of a while ago.

  "Yes." She smiled now, and it made it to her eyes. "There's a character that reminds me of you, except she's blonde."

  "Angelina says that all the time. I'm not nearly as kick ass, I'm sure."

  "You are."

  "Well, I appreciate the compliment," I told her. "You look beautiful right now—" I cringed when I said it. "Sorry. It just flew out of my mouth."

  "It's okay." She moved her hand further into mine. "I don't want to stop being friends with you."

  My heart sank, mainly because it sounded like what I didn't want to hear.

  "I don't have anyone to talk to about how I feel," she continued, her eyes on our hands. "Being alone isn't helping me understand my feelings. It's just making me sad."

  "Me, too."

  "Have you talked to people about me?" Her eyes welled up when she asked, and I knew it was both fear and sadness wrapped in one.

  "Not successfully." I rubbed my thumb over her knuckles. "Eve, Ciara, and Angelina knew I had a crush on you. They all think I'm upset because I told a straight girl how I felt and it ended our friendship."

  "You let them think that?" She sniffled, but her face remained as frozen as ever.

  "It's not my place to out you, Mira. Even if it isn't something to out yet…"

  "They knew you liked me? Does everyone know?"

  "Just them." I smirked, now my eyes lingered on our hands as well. "Oh, and Eleanor. She assumed I liked you because of how we were at dinner the other night."

  "How were we?"

  "I don't know." I drew in a deep breath, then said, "But I liked it."

  "Do you have to stay at work?" she asked, seemingly out of nowhere.

  I shook my head, meeting her gaze again. "My shift ends soon."

  "Will you come over after?" she asked, her eyes searching my expression.

  "You're sure?"

  "Yes," she said, giving my hand a squeeze. Something about her seemed assured today, firm in her resolve. I ached to know what she wanted to say to me, but assumed it would be what I didn't want. I didn't want to lose our friendship either, but that didn't mean I was okay with pretending as if our other feelings weren't valid.

  I walked Mira to her car, then watched her drive off back onto the busy streets, before heading inside to shower and change.

  While I rinsed the shampoo from my hair, the shower curtain rattled and I turned around to see Angelina standing on the other side, her head above the curtain.

  "Jesus, you scared the shit out of me." I covered my chest and she laughed.

  "So, what happened?" She sent an unapologetic glance down my naked torso and grinned the whole time. "Nice bruises. The one on your ass is especially juicy."

  "Quit looking at me, creep." I turned my back to her and continued rinsing off. "She asked me to go to her house after work. I think everyone's assumption is about to come true. Straight girl panics because of gay girl. Straight girl wants to keep the friendship but will find that it won't work soon."

  "Yeah. Exactly. I thought that already happened."

  "Nope. You were all wrong." I sighed as I wiped the water from my eyes. "Hand me a towel and stop looking at my tits."

  "Aw, c'mon. This straight girl appreciates female beauty." She tossed a towel over the top of the curtain after I turned off the water. "You have a nice big shiner across your back, too, you know."

  "You're just taking inventory for your lesbian friends. And blame Cooper." I toweled off my face and hair, then wrapped it around my body before exiting the stall. Angelina followed me to my locker and straddled the bench near it so we could keep talking.

  "Somewhat." She laughed at that. "So, what actually happened then?"

  "I don't want to talk about it right now. All I want is for this to be over. One way or another. My heart hurts so much," I admitted, while pulling on my panties and then fastening my bra.

  "I know," she said, her smile fading to a sad one. "I can tell. We all can."

  I nodded, and we hung in silence while I finished getting dressed.

  "I'm gonna go. I'll see you tomorrow," I said, before tossing my hairbrush back into the locker then closing it.

  ***

  I shot Eleanor and Robbie a group text letting them know I would be home late, then hurried over to Mira's house. The anticipation got the better of me and my heart pounded the entire ride over. It didn't stop until she ushered me inside. She'd changed from her work clothes back into her comfy leggings and giant sweater combo, but kept on her makeup. I could hardly stop myself at this point from touching her or rushing out words from my lips.

  "Hi," she said, closing the door behind me.

  "Hi, Mira." I tucked my hands in the pockets of my jeans to avoid fussing with nervous energy. She led me over to the sofa, and we dropped down facing each other, my knee bent while she sat in the same way, her elbow on the back of the sofa.

  "You look beautiful right now," she tossed back my compliment of earlier. My cheeks warmed and I knew I was about to lose my cool.

  "Thanks…"

  "Watch a movie with me?" she asked, already queuing up the streaming video display. I noticed a few familiar titles as she scrolled by, most notably Imagine Me & You. I glanced in her direction, but she didn't seem to falter.

  "Sure. What do you want to watch?"

  "Something funny."

  "Okay."

  She picked a movie The Heat and we settled down to watch it together without saying much else.

  For the most part, I enjoyed the crime parody, and imagined my relationship with Angelina on the job just as bumbling but successful. Mira stepped away to use the bathroom without pausing the movie, but when she returned, she sat on the sofa exceptionally close to me. I glanced at her, though her eyes remained on the television. Part of me ached to drape my arm around her, but I feared fucking everything up. She had said she wanted to keep our friendship but made no mention of anything else.

  While I warred with what to do, she seemed to have another agenda. With no warning, she slouched, leaning over and dropping her head on my shoulder. That was enough to assure me that I needed to take the lead. I wasn't usually a make the first move kind of person, but in this situation, maybe I had to do just that.

  I wrapped my arm around her shoulders like I yearned to do, and she snuggled against my chest, her arm sliding over my stomach. I brushed my lips over her hair and her entire body seemed to calm.

  "You know," I began and Mira looked up at me. "I will cuddle you without the guise of watching a movie. Just in case you were wondering."

  Tears brimmed her eyes almost immediately, and her fingers dug into my side. "Okay," she whispered. I
reached up and ran my thumb over her cheek where a stray tear managed to escape.

  "When you're ready, I would like to talk about being something more than just friends. In the event that it wasn't clear, I'm open to it. But when you're ready," I confessed in a surge of bravery. Her eyes, as shiny as sea glass, searched mine. I stroked my thumb over her plump, ruby lips while holding her gaze. "In case you were wondering about that, too."

  "I was," she whispered, though I felt her stomach flutter against my hip.

  "Ever kissed a girl?" I smiled when I said it and, despite her tears, it made her laugh.

  "No."

  "Want to?"

  Her bottom lip found its way between her teeth for a fleeting second, then she nodded. My stomach flip-flopped, my heart raced, and hope trickled over me like a syrupy nectar from the universe. I did not expect this visit to go in such a way. How would she answer my question? Had I fallen asleep and stumbled into a wishful dream?

  Her eyes twinkled with youthfulness that I didn't expect. In all our encounters, she'd always appeared clever, sharp, professional, excited, or most recently, pained. This look was new on her, and she offered me the faintest nod.

  "'Kay. Tell me when." I pretended to stretch. It made her laugh, and she dropped her forehead on my chest.

  "Billie."

  I snickered then ran my fingers through her thick, silky hair. She leaned back to meet my gaze, her expression appearing lighter than before. "You gotta tell me when you're ready."

  "I am…I want to," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. My heart skipped a few beats at her declaration, though I reminded myself not to let my hopes rise up too high. She could hate it. She could hate all of it.

  "How about right now?" I asked, running my knuckle down her cheek then across her bottom lip.

  "Yes," she said, leaning into my touch.

  I bent forward and brushed my lips over hers. Right away, her fingers dug into my stomach, and I closed the space between us. Her sweet, soft, delicious kiss melted my insides to a puddle of mush. Goosebumps rushed my flesh, my core ached with want, and my desire to touch her tore through my arms. In that moment, I knew that she was everything I could've ever wanted, and everything I could lose at the same time.

  Our tentative, juvenile kiss ended with Mira's face flushed, and she stared at my mouth as if she hadn't seen anything like it before. She traced my lips with her index finger, and I kissed the tip of it. This time, she leaned in to catch me in the kiss, with more confidence than the first time. I cupped her face and held my knees together to mitigate my abundant arousal. She released me, leaving me just as breathless as she was. Her chest rose and fell in time with mine, and I tucked her hair behind her ears.

  "You're very delicious," I whispered, and that set off a full blush, turning her cheeks a rosy pink.

  "You're so very soft," she said, continuing to touch my lips and face as if seeing me for the first time. "All of you is warm and soft."

  "Right back at you." My caution subsided when she seemed to accept the kisses and their aftermath.

  I continued to stroke her hair, my nails grazing the back of her neck. A quiver raced through her and she braced herself against me, her hand on my stomach as her breathing kicked up.

  "You okay?" I asked, allowing her hair to fall over her shoulder.

  "Yes." And there went her lip between her teeth again. "You make me feel…different."

  "Good different or uncomfortable different?"

  "Good," she said, then eyed my mouth again.

  "Cool. Wanna make out?" I grinned and it made her laugh while nodding firmly. "Good. Because I literally need to kiss you right now." I pulled her with me as I shifted to lie down on the sofa. Her breasts grazed mine as I cupped her face, urging my lips with hers. We turned on our sides, and she held my face in her palms as the reserve faded from her.

  Her feet writhed against mine when I poked my tongue between her lips to explore her mouth. There was nothing coy or shy about her in that moment. I could almost feel the way her heart pounded in her chest, and her energy surged with mine. I lost myself in it, in her, as every synapse in my brain fired signals of hunger and want. We moved together, my hands on her sides as they were twice during her soccer games when she needed me.

  We must've stayed like that for an hour, kissing, touching, and exploring each other. She focused on my midsection, face and neck, keenly avoiding my breasts. I mirrored her movements for the time being, and allowed her to do whatever she wanted.

  Every bit of me swelled at the intensity of our connection, and I urged my knee between her thighs out of sheer habit when I lost myself in it. The minute my thigh grazed her heated core, she broke the kiss with a gasp. Her hands trembled and her teeth chattered as if a cold snap lapped at her. She looked down between us, as if she couldn't comprehend the position.

  "Sorry." I panted and straightened my legs again when she leaned away slightly.

  "Is that how—How do we…" Her brows lifted and her eyes widened, a slight panic tainted her vast pupils.

  A soft smile curved my lips and I tucked her hair behind her ear again when it fell forward. "That's one way. Hands, fingers, mouths, are others. Sometimes other things like toys."

  "Movies aren't helpful," she said, her bottom lip thickening with a pout.

  "Books are way better. Lesbians always die in movies or break up."

  "I noticed…" She rested her forehead against mine for a second before kissing me again.

  To my surprise, she wriggled her knee between mine, and we tangled like before. She panted slightly, attempting to catch her breath as she pressed her knee against my center. Even through my jeans, my body arched and I gnawed on my bottom lip to hold on to any sounds that might escape me. Mira watched me, observing me like an experiment in which I willingly participated.

  "You can touch me," I said, urging her hand up my torso toward my breasts. "However you want."

  She didn't say anything to that, though she caught me in a heated kiss at the same time that she urged her knee against my core again. I lifted myself against her, losing my willpower in controlling my reactions to the situation. Our kiss intensified, and her courage with it. Her fingers snuck up the front of me, and she rested her hand on top of my breast. My fingers tangled in her hair, while my stomach pressed against hers.

  When she shifted above me, her knee forced the seam of my jeans against my clit and I ended the kiss when I sucked in my breath. Mira's eyes widened, though her glazed expression told me she got caught up in the moment as well.

  "What's wrong?" she asked, worry clouding her features.

  "N-nothing." A soft laugh escaped me as my face heated again. "You're an eighth of an inch away from making me…"

  Her concern faded, only for surprise to replace it. "Really?"

  "Yes." I chuckled as I stroked her cheeks. "Are you enjoying this, Mira?"

  She nodded, and bit her lip again. Her eyelashes fluttered faintly when I pressed myself against her core again, then moved my leg to cause some friction. With the light fabric of her leggings, I could feel her curves against me. She gasped, tensed, then froze.

  "Billie." She braced herself against me again, and a flood of iciness trickled between us, when she slid away a fraction. I paused when her nerves got the better of her and she breathed heavily against my lips.

  "We should slow down, okay?" I brushed my knuckles over her cheeks. "Too fast."

  She nodded, though her eyes lingered on my lips again. A soft kiss followed before we dropped our heads down on the pillow while gazing at each other. She was the most beautiful woman I'd ever laid eyes on, and I never wanted to stop looking at her.

  "Sometimes I move too quickly. I'm sorry if I rushed you," I offered, again tucking her hair away from her face. It was my new favorite thing.

  "Technically, I rushed you." She mimicked my gesture, and ran her fingers through my hair. "I don't know how to be with a woman."

  "You don't have to know. We will learn w
hat each other likes. That's all that matters."

  "I want to try this with you. I really do." Her tears returned almost immediately, and she grabbed me into an unexpected hug. I squeezed her, and kissed her shoulder half a dozen times.

  "I really want to try with you, too." My aching heart overpowered my throbbing body, and I stroked her back while we held on to each other. "I believe you, Mira. Okay?"

  She nodded, and rested her forehead against mine. We both closed our eyes, and settled into the comfort of each other. Her hands wandered over me more freely then, and I knew that we'd awakened something in each other. It wasn't going to be easy. Kissing and sex were the easier parts. My worry lingered in other places—family, friends, work, and life in general. But if I wanted this, if I wanted her, she would need time.

  So would I.

  Chapter Ten

  I told no one of how things had changed between Mira and me, and I assumed she didn't either. We kept up our day-to-day routines, but in the evening, before I returned home to look after my siblings, we would spend time together like two giddy teenagers, and make out on her sofa. Our secret life, our own little cocoon of comfort, became a place for her to explore her sexuality. We hadn't gone beyond kissing and sensual touches, but I was okay with it as long as it meant being with her. During each drive home, I reminded myself of the volatility of our situation. She could change her mind, panic, or run off. No matter what, I had to remember that.

  The following week, Eleanor asked to spend the night at Finnley's on Friday. The fact that she was eighteen, and Finnley sixteen, I made sure to talk to Finnley's mother, Vee, about the situation. She assured me that a handful of other girls would be joining them. I still worried that Ellie would end up interested in Finn, but for now, their friendship seemed steady. Robert began spending more time at Daniel's, but every Sunday, and at least three nights a week, we had a family dinner together. Our apartment became a young-adult college dorm. They grew into it, while I grew out. I knew we needed to consider moving to a three-bedroom place, or buckle down and look for a house outside the city, but I kept putting it off.

  While sitting at my desk Friday afternoon, I thought about Mira, and fought the urge to give into Angelina's glare.