He’d talked a good game about believing she was strong and able to handle anything, but when it mattered, he’d hidden something from her because he obviously hadn’t thought she could handle it.
Like everyone else who mattered, he didn’t believe in her. The question was, what was she willing to do to prove she believed in herself?
Chapter Sixteen
It was nearly ten o’clock when Nick knocked on Brynn’s back door. Worry clawed at him and had been since he’d arrived at Parker and Mara’s house only to be told Brynn wasn’t feeling well so had decided to skip the big Christmas Eve dinner.
He’d texted her and called but gotten no response. Both Mara and Kaitlin had been acting strange, although they’d assured him that Brynn needed a quiet night to rest.
It didn’t make any sense because he knew how much she’d been looking forward to the evening.
His mom had accompanied him to the dinner, so he hadn’t wanted to make a scene and leave midmeal. Even Ella seemed to notice how odd it was that Brynn wasn’t part of the festivities. She’d pulled him aside as he was strapping Remi into her infant seat and told him she’d stop by after the party to stay with Remi so he could check on Brynn.
His first inclination had been to refuse the offer of help, not wanting to admit there was an issue. But he still hadn’t received any responses to his texts and couldn’t stop the feeling that something was really wrong.
The back-porch light flicked on and a moment later Brynn appeared, a glass of wine in her hand. She wore a bulky sweatshirt and leggings with her hair pulled back into a messy bun.
“Are you sick?” he asked, noticing the high color on her cheeks and the almost wild look in her eyes.
She scrunched up her nose. “I’ve eaten what feels like my weight in potato casserole and nearly finished a bottle of pinot grigio. I’m not sick yet, but the night it still young. Santa and I are getting our party on.”
He didn’t like the edge to her voice.
“I was worried when you and Tyler didn’t make it to the dinner and you never responded to my texts.”
“I’m not your concern,” she said, and the chill in her tone made the little hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. “Despite what you seem to think, I can handle my life.”
“I know you can,” he agreed, trying to figure out what the hell was wrong. “Could I come in?”
She drained her glass and then shrugged. “You’re going to do whatever you want anyway. Let’s not pretend you care about my thoughts or feelings.”
“I care.” Despite her flippant attitude, he could almost feel the pain radiating from her. He didn’t understand it, but it sliced across his heart like a razor. “Brynn, what the hell is the problem?”
“No problem. In fact, I’m celebrating. Making spirits bright and all that.” Without warning, she turned and stalked toward the counter, pouring another large glass of wine for herself.
Nick followed her and closed the door to the winter air, which did nothing for the chill that settled in his chest. Something was very off with the woman he loved. He knew how hard the holidays were after the death of someone close. As troubled as their marriage had been, Daniel had been Brynn’s husband for a decade. It was a lot of time to spend with a person. A lot of making Christmas joyous for their son. She’d been so strong these past few weeks—months, even—maybe the pressure had finally become too much for her.
What would it take for her to reach out and let him support her? How could he prove he was a man she could depend on?
“I love you,” he blurted out, watching as if in slow motion as she whirled toward him, her eyes wide with shock and something that looked like rage. No, he had to be mistaken. Rage didn’t make a bit of sense.
Wine sloshed over the side of her glass, and she placed it on the counter, then stalked toward him, finger wagging. “Don’t say that to me. Don’t you dare.”
“It’s true,” he whispered, palms up like he could diffuse her anger somehow. “Brynn, please. Tell me what’s wrong. I can’t stand to see you like this.”
“Francesca came to see me today.”
Nick blinked. “No. She’s not supposed to be in town until...”
The words tapered off when Brynn’s gaze narrowed. “I wanted you to enjoy Christmas without worrying about losing Remi,” he said, not bothering to pretend he no longer understood her anger. “I was trying to protect you. Don’t be mad.”
“I can feel however I want to feel,” she said, enunciating each word. “I’m not a delicate flower, Nick. I don’t need to be sheltered. I won’t fall apart at the first hint of something difficult. Do you know how many difficult things I’ve dealt with over the years?”
“Yes.” He nodded. “I do, and I know you can handle anything.”
“But you didn’t trust me to handle the idea of losing Remi.”
“I was going to tell you after Christmas. We don’t even know exactly what she’s thinking.”
“I know,” Brynn said through clenched teeth. “I know because my late husband’s mistress is the only person who seems to think I can manage the truth. My own mother didn’t think I could handle becoming a mom and taking care of a baby. Daniel was afraid to leave me because he thought I’d fall apart.” She laughed. “Heck, even my friends don’t trust that I can find a man on my own, so they have to concoct some sort of dating game for me. And you’re the worst of the lot.”
His heart twisted at the accusation. “I promise I was trying to protect you. Nothing more.”
“I thought you understood I don’t need protection. I need someone to believe in me, to support me in standing on my own two feet. I want a partner, not a protector.”
Nick ran a hand over his face, took a step toward her, then stopped when she crossed her arms over her chest. “Brynn, I failed you in high school. I failed my brother and my family. I was selfish and self-centered. This is me trying to do the right thing.”
“It’s you trying to control every aspect of the situation because you’re afraid of what might happen if you don’t,” she countered.
Yes. Yes, he wanted control. He’d purposely shirked responsibility for most of his youth, and in doing so had hurt the people he loved. Brynn most of all.
“I didn’t want you to be hurt.”
“You need to learn that I can handle being hurt, Nick.” She shook her head. “I’m practically a damn expert at it.”
“Does she want to be reunited with the baby?” he asked quietly. “Why did she come to see you and not me?”
She stared at him for several long moments and then answered, “Nick, I fell in love with you before I even understood what love was. But I know now. I know what I want from love. It’s more than having someone take care of me. I need a man who will be at my side to support me taking care of myself, as well. Someone who will trust me with their weaknesses and fears as much as I trust them.”
She pressed a hand to her stomach. “For years, I made myself small because it’s what I thought was the right thing to have a happy marriage. But neither one of us was the least bit happy. I owe it to my son and my soon-to-be daughter to be a role model.”
“You are a role model to so many people,” he agreed.
Her gaze had gone from angry to sad, which scared him even more. “I thought we might have another chance, but I can’t be with a man who doesn’t believe in me.”
“I do, Brynn. So much.”
“No. There’s a difference between caring and coddling.” She reached out a hand and gripped the edge of the counter with her fingers like she needed the support. “I think you should go now,” she said without the barest hint of emotion in her voice.
He wanted to rail and argue. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Tonight was Christmas Eve. He’d planned to spend the evening celebrating with their friends and then tomorrow morning enjoy the holiday
together as a family.
But once again, he’d failed someone he loved. It didn’t matter that his own heart was breaking in the process. He knew he wasn’t cut out for relationships. Hell, he had a string of ex-girlfriends who could attest to that.
Tears shone in Brynn’s blue eyes, and he hated himself for putting them there. He hadn’t trusted her. He was afraid without Remi to bind them she’d realize she deserved better than he could give her. He’d lied to her for reasons he thought were valid, but he’d been a coward. Now he had to deal with the consequences.
“I’m sorry,” he said, and the words had never sounded lamer.
She gave a tight nod. “Me, too.”
It felt like slogging through mud, but he forced himself to turn around and walk away, knowing he was leaving behind his best chance at happiness.
* * *
“The Roman Colosseum,” Tyler shouted, as he held up the box for his mom to see. “Can I put it together now, Mom?”
“Sure, sweetie.” Brynn bounced Remi on her knee and tried to make her smile seem normal.
“Should I wait for Nick to come over so he can help?”
The innocent question was like a dagger to her heart.
Ella set a plate of cookies on the coffee table. “Nick ended up having to work today, bud. Official police chief business. I’m sure he’d want you to go ahead with the Lego set.”
Tyler snagged a cookie and nodded. “Maybe he’ll come by when he gets off. Mom, can I use your phone to FaceTime Max? I want to see what he got for Christmas and then I’ll start.”
“Five minutes, Ty.” She handed him the phone, and he grabbed the gifts he’d just opened, kissed Remi’s cheek and headed upstairs to his room.
“Thank you,” Brynn said to Ella when they were alone with Remi. “I’m going to have to get better at answering questions about Nick. It’s funny because I’m so used to talking about Daniel with Tyler. Now to have another man disappear from his life...” She swallowed back a sob. “It’s too much, you know?”
Ella sat down on the chair across from Brynn and broke off a bite of cookie. It was a few minutes past noon on Christmas, and Brynn had expected to have a quiet day with Tyler until Ella texted and told her she was bringing over Remi for a visit.
Apparently, Nick had asked his temporary nanny to bring Remi for a holiday visit with Brynn and Tyler. It made her so happy to hold the sweet baby, although she could faintly make out Nick’s scent when she snuggled the girl to her chest. The wave of longing that rose inside her threatened to take her under.
“He’s still there,” Ella said softly. “It’s none of my business, but the guy is beside himself broken up about what happened.”
“It wasn’t just that something happened.” Brynn shook her head. “He lied to me. He didn’t trust me to handle the truth.”
Ella sighed. “I have control issues, too. Blame it on my job or all the years of living out of a suitcase.”
“I haven’t left Starlight beyond a couple of weeks of vacation for over a decade,” Brynn told her. “What’s my excuse?”
“You don’t need an excuse, but you might want to think about giving Nick another chance.”
“I don’t even know that he wants one. Our deal was not for anything long-term. We both knew it would end when Remi came to live with me.”
Her brain might have been muddled last night by the wine, but one thing stayed clear. She and Nick had been a temporary thing. If he’d really known her, he would have trusted her with the truth of Francesca’s upcoming visit.
“Did you, though?”
Brynn lifted Remi above her head and kissed the tip of the baby’s nose when she giggled. “I’m a mom. That’s my deal.”
Ella rolled her eyes. “News flash. Women who are mothers are also human. You’re allowed to have needs beyond your kids.”
“Easy for you to say.”
“Doesn’t make it less true.” Ella leaned forward and pushed the plate of cookies toward Brynn. “You need a cookie and you need a man. Nick specifically.”
“I need a bunch of cookies.” Brynn plucked one from the tray. “And a decent night’s sleep and a million dollars and fresh highlights in my hair.” She took a big bite and said around a mouthful of chocolate-chip goodness, “But not a man.”
Ella laughed. “Not convincing at all.”
Remi let out a wide yawn. “You should take her back to Nick’s,” Brynn said as emotion welled up inside her. “She’s getting tired.”
“I’m sorry for all of this.” Ella watched with sympathetic eyes as Brynn lowered Remi into the infant seat and fastened the straps.
“None of it is your fault.” Brynn swiped at her cheeks. “I have so much to be happy about and crying on Christmas is ridiculous.”
“I won’t judge you for being ridiculous.” Ella winked. “But for the love of everything holy, enough with the waterworks.”
Brynn gasped, and Ella gave her shoulder a gentle nudge. “Just kidding, but I snapped you out of the crying, right?”
“Actually, yes.” Brynn had never met anyone like Ella Samuelson. She appreciated how the woman had assumed the role of friend without hesitation. Brynn had a habit of second-guessing every minute detail of her life. The relationship with Nick being a prime example.
But before she could deal with him, she had to get the rest of her emotional life in order. Tyler and Remi deserved that.
“I almost forgot.” Ella slipped an envelope out of her purse as she hooked the infant seat over her arm. “Nick asked me to give this to you. He said it’s a copy of the letter he submitted to social services.”
Brynn frowned. “About me?”
“I guess they asked him for a reference letter. I don’t know if it’s because you two are friends or in his capacity as police chief. It’s still strange that never-serious Nick is the law around here now, you know?”
“Yeah,” Brynn breathed, her fingers numb as she took the envelope from Ella.
She gave Remi a last snuggle and then walked them to Ella’s Jeep. After they drove away, she checked on Tyler, who was engrossed in his latest Lego set. With nothing else to act as a distraction, she sat down on the edge of her bed, holding the letter between two fingers. Her heart pounded as she contemplated whether to even open it.
Did she want to see what Nick had written about her? Did it matter?
“Stop pretending,” she muttered to herself after a few moments. It mattered. She ripped open the seal and began to read.
Chapter Seventeen
“She’s yours.” Kaitlin smoothed a finger over Remi’s soft hair and grinned at Brynn. “For always.”
“Not yet.” Brynn held up a hand. “Don’t jinx it. I have at least a couple more months until the adoption is finalized.”
“But she’s here.” Mara joined them as they stood behind the kitchen island, looking out to the friends who had gathered in Brynn’s renovated kitchen and family room.
The party to celebrate Remi becoming her official foster daughter, along with the New Year, had been Kaitlin’s idea. Although Brynn often wasn’t comfortable being the center of attention, she’d agreed.
She wanted to celebrate this milestone. She was choosing to become the baby’s mother and she didn’t care what anyone else thought of her decision. It was so different than how she’d felt as a pregnant high school graduate, embarrassed and frightened about what the future might hold.
“How’s Nick?” she asked suddenly, unable to keep her curiosity at bay one moment longer.
Both of her friends focused on the baby.
“Come on,” she urged. “I’m going to see him eventually, and I know Finn and Parker have been talking to him. I still care about him even if it didn’t work out between us. Again.”
“You know he really does love you?” Kaitlin glanced from Remi to Brynn.
&nb
sp; She met her friend’s concerned gaze. “I think he wanted to love me,” she answered, allowing Kaitlin to take the baby from her arms. “But not in the way I want to be loved. I’m not the timid girl I used to be,” she said, more to herself than her friends. “I thought Nick and I could make a fresh start, but maybe there’s too much past between us. Maybe he’s still trying to make up for setting me up with Daniel.”
“That was an unfortunate move,” Mara said with a small laugh.
“But the choice to go out with Daniel and sleep with him and to marry him after I ended up pregnant were mine. I spent a long time making excuses for not taking responsibility in my life. Things happened to me,” Brynn said, sighing, “but I let them. I controlled my reaction.”
Kaitlin arched a brow. “And now you’ve cut Nick out of your life to prove you’re in control.”
Brynn let out a gasp of surprise. “That makes me sound foolish and petty.”
Kaitlin feigned surprise. “Does it now?”
“And you’re an expert on relationships?” Brynn asked.
“Before Finn, I was an expert on screwing up relationships,” Kaitlin clarified. “My baggage had baggage, but I can still see when two people were meant for each other. Everyone can see what’s between you.”
“It’s true,” Mara confirmed.
Brynn sighed and turned to the counter to refill her coffee mug. “I gave up everything to make a go at marriage with a man I didn’t love. I thought it was the right thing to do. I’m finally coming into my own, but it’s not going to work if I’m with a man who tries to shelter me from anything bad. I want someone who will walk through fire with me, not for me.”
“Oh, honey.” Mara placed a hand on Brynn’s arm. “Trust me, you want both.”
Brynn blinked as her brain scrambled for purchase with that thought taking hold. Maybe she’d gone too far with her need to stand on her own two feet. Too many years of being brushed aside or underestimated had definitely made the pendulum swing in the other direction when it came to her desire to feel independent and in control.
His Last-Chance Christmas Family Page 18