Twinkle

by Skyler Steele

  I assembled my courage and decided that it was time to find out what the conversation he had with Eric meant.

  “What law was Eric talking about?” I asked sturdily.

  Again, he did not talk. He did not say a word. He was looking at me frozen.

  “What happened to Eric, has to do with the violation of a law?” I insisted.

  “Yes”.

  His face was glassy.

  “Was this the reason for his downfall?”

  “Yes”.

  “Are you in danger of being in the same situation?”

  This question really upset him. He clenched his lips, refusing to accept such a situation…

  He moved his fingers though the strands of his hair and then turned towards the road, being once again thoughtful and overwhelmed.

  He did not answer my question. I did not insist. It was obvious that this was occupying him more than anything else.

  I did not continue the discussion. Besides, it was pointless to talk about something which was decided by others. If angles were here because of me, if god had his plan, if everything was happening for a reason, what could I do? I was a tiny human being. By what right, could I go against god’s plans? He gave us free will, a weapon not so strong in comparison to his divine power or the angelic abilities of his battalions. If all these were true, there was only one way to find out… by challenging my angel. And I knew exactly the way to do it, but he did it first.

  “Why did you leave, Camen?” I dared ask something that was entirely personal, but after all those I had heard I believed I had the right to do it.

  I turned my whole body to his side and looked at him steadily. What I heard was unexpected.

  “Because of you”, he said calmly.

  “Sorry. I do not understand you”.

  “You asked me why I left”.

  “And you are saying that you left because of me?”

  “That is what I said”.

  “Why? What did I do? You hardly know me. It does not make sense”.

  “Nothing makes sense with you”.

  “I still do not understand you, Camen”.

  He did not answer. My mind immediately went to the kiss I dared give him and everything became clearer.

  “Because I kissed you? That is why you left?”

  “No”.

  “Again, I do not understand”.

  “Because I liked your kiss, the feeling of your lips, your smell, your body’s warmth, your touch…”

  He stopped suddenly.

  His words came into my mind, when I was apologizing for my behaviour: Maybe it was my fault; I was very close to you… And I, I thought he was saying that to make me feel better. Oh, I was so stupid! However, that meant he was in the same condition as me? Unexpectedly in love with a stranger? Is it possible for angels to fall in love? But, why was he was so upset from our contact, if he was not already in love with me?

  Slowing down he suddenly turned into a small road surrounded by tall trees. Further down, it was ending to a park, far away from the traffic and the city lights, away from the indiscrete eyes, quiet and peaceful under the dim light of the lamp posts.

  When he switched of the car the absolute silence spread around. Camen had turned towards me staring and he seemed to have difficulty in keeping himself restrained.

  “What is bothering you, Adrian?” he asked in a low voice.

  “People leave when they are not able to bear the consequences of their actions, the power of their feelings, and not because a kiss- almost a kiss- upsets them’.

  “If, however, a kiss has the importance of an illegal action, if the feelings it causes you are beyond your powers, if your integrity, your existence, depends on avoiding it but your whole body shouts and begs you to accept it and respond, what kind of logic would keep you here?”

  Too much information, too many revelations, fast and unexpectedly. Does a kiss become a lawless action? Since when? It raises a storm of feelings and from it, someone’s integrity and existence is at risk… Is it possible all these to be caused by a soft touch of lips?

  “How could something like this be happening?” I asked looking at him, as he had turned forward and was standing still with his head down.

  He raised his eyes towards me and the pain, the agony, his agitation were obvious.

  “The kiss belongs to the human privileges, Adrian”, he said wearily.

  “Is the kiss a privilege?”

  I wondered and I tried again, with logic, to understand what he meant.

  “Let us assume that I accept your theory about angels. You said humans are made in the image of god and angels, therefore, with body, soul and mind. The combination of those three ingredients makes us superior beings, compared to the rest of the others, since it gives us the possibility to fall in love and inevitably to be lead to physical contact. Since when is this considered a human privilege or a lawless action?”

  His answer was again from the Bible:

  “So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them”. The difference is indiscernible, but still exists, in “in the image of God he created them”.

  “Do you mean that the man is Adam, created in his own image?” I asked and remembered the thoughts I had had in relation to this issue.

  He nodded positively.

  “So God has a gender and it is male, which means there was the need to create a female that did not exist in the Kingdom of Heaven until then”, I realized.

  Camen did not talk. My mind quickly made the associations revealing to me that the angels are only males. That is why a kiss is a human privilege, but it is not explained why it is considered a lawless action. Unless there is a law, the law they were discussing with Eric about, the same one he mentioned at the library… I brought his words back in mind: Humans have laws; why not angels have them too…, Lucifer is a fallen angel because he violated a certain law… Therefore, he is fallen because he violated a certain law. Camen was in danger of being in the same condition as Eric…

  Oh, my God! That meant that the law which they ought to obey to was forbidding physical contact or moreover their sexual intercourse with the women of the human race.

  Everything was clear now. Their confusing words were being clarified. Camen is not leaving his position no matter what it is, something which meant that my unexpected kiss made him leave, sensing the forthcoming violation of the law. The traces of his jealousy, his rigid attitude, his strange reactions, his behaviour which showed a man in love, his admission of the condition in which he was and his agony, the pain someone feels facing the most intense feeling, knowing it is forbidden to feel it, to sense it, to taste it, to live it…

  I recalled Eric’s words again: what god creates such beings, with such superb charm, unique and inconceivable, and expects not to be worshiped, not to be loved, not to cause the violation of the law?

  It was obvious that Eric had been in deep pain in the past. He had been in Camen’s current situation; he had experienced all this grief before he went to the other side and became fallen.

  This, however, meant for me the biggest prohibition a person can impose on himself. As much as he is hurt, as much as he is worried, as much as he desires someone desperately, completely, compellingly, it is prohibited to be with him. Which person has such power so that he can resist his never-ending desire for the person he is in love with? How can he be burning from desire, dying from sorrow and yet resisting? Had I, the human Adriana, the strength to carry the burden of the truth and to be above the human weaknesses?

  Yet, nothing could be compared with the terror I felt for Camen’s ending, if I ever consented. This was enough for me to decide that never, for no reason and for nobody, was I going to let him fall… Even if I had to die for it.

  Suddenly, I felt suffocating. I urgently needed air; frozen, fresh air. I opened the door abruptly and jumped outside. I ran among the trees, not being able to see clearly in the darkness, not know
ing where I was going. I stopped and looked the landscape around. The greenery had become black during the night. I raised my eyes to the sky hoping to see something beyond what I see.

  Camen had come next to me unbelievably fast and he was staring at me. He was standing there handsome, divine, angelic and he was looking at me. He took my face in his hands and when he felt the moisture of my tears, he wiped them softly. Very slowly, during endless moments, of those you do not want to be over, he bent and touched my lips with his, calmly and tenderly at first, with a man’s expectation of the first kiss, which as soon as he tastes it his thirst grows and does not stop before the moment of climax. I felt the tension of his body interweave with mine, the pressure of his feelings to strengthen his touch and both of us were lost in the whirl of an unspoken and forbidden kiss.

  His hands were now tightly tied around my body, taking my breath away, leaving me breathless and condemned to the eternal memory of his touch. More tears ran down my face, at the thought that this was the first, or almost the first, and also the last time I was touching him, I was feeling him, I had him mine. I left myself to his passionate touch that clearly showed the progress of the events, giving a small postponement, an extension of my previous decision, avid for the contact with him, unable to accept the reality, weak to alienate him and completely surrendered to the authority of my love for him.

  I thought I was seeing a light, a dim light, the one that comes to move the darkness away from the closed eyes, emerging from some source of energy, and makes you open your eyes automatically. Then, I beheld a mystical, violet shine around him, clear and strong, which verified his words and gave life to my fears. He was one of a kind, a divine creation, unprecedented, with his face radiating through each pore reflecting the light to every direction. And I was there, unconditionally surrendered in his arms suffering and betraying myself.

  He looked at me, stepped back a little and unbuttoned his shirt, allowing his light to spread all over, showing the glory of his existence.

  “Are you convinced now, Adrian? Or do you need more proof?” he said with a voice full of pain.

  I snuggled into his arms once again sneaking in his supernatural light, refusing to accept that I cannot have him, that he belongs to someone else, that I am not allowed to have claims on his existence. He hugged me and hid his face in my hair, which I did not realize how it was loose tangled in his fingers.

  We were standing still in the middle of the park; speechless, unable to do something, with deep knowledge of our action and of our prohibited love.

  As much as you have been prepared for such a revelation your defence falls apart facing the huge waves that hit you when it happens. Like when you first kiss someone, the first time you fall in love or you desire someone… Much as you imagine it, you cannot feel it if you do not live it.

  I did not know if I was terrified, seeing who he was with my own eyes, or desperate, understanding completely the consequences of my love to what he was. What is more terrifying, I wonder? To discover that someone is an angel or that you are in love with him? And even worse, to be certain that this angel is deeply and irretrievably in love with you!

  Selflessness. Selflessness can save someone from sinfulness, as long as he can achieve it. With effort I collected all my power, I used logic, I regained my composure and just like that I told him: “This must never happen again!”

  “Is that all you have to say? After this revelation, the only thing that is worrying you is my kiss? Don’t you have a trace of fear for what I am?”

  “I do! Meeting angels does not happen to me every day… and much more kissing them… Even now that we are talking, all this seems unreal but I think other things are more important now, than my fears”.

  “Such as?”

  “…that you are not going to kiss me again!” I emphasized with trembling voice because of everything that had happened. I wondered where I had found the strength to define our relationship and to forbid him from something I wanted more than anything in the whole world. His love! Although he is an angel send by god… Love was becoming the big winner to this clash!

  “I thought you wanted it too. I thought you liked it”, he replied really confused.

  “Is it possible that you doubt it? But how can I ask from someone to trample on his oaths, to violate the law of god, to undergo the fall only to be with him?”

  “This decision has to be taken by me, Adrian. Only me and nobody else”, he stressed.

  “No. This concerns me too, since I take part in the violation. Whatever you say, I will not let you do it”.

  He made a grimace.

  “You know very well that if I want to you can not stop me”.

  I chose my words carefully.

  “You cannot force me to do something against my will. And my will is that you stay where you are, where you belong and do what you came here for”.

  He pulled away from me and automatically any trace of his glare was gone. He was looking at me full of disappointment and repressed anger.

  “You came here for me. You are here for me. You said so. Maybe you must tell me the reason”, I insisted wanting to know everything.

  “You heard enough forbidden things for one night. You do not need to know. My place is here with you, for as long as it takes”.

  My voice was trembling because of the thoughts caused by his words.

  “Do you mean that when this ends, the reason why you came here for, you will leave?”

  He did not speak. However, his eyes revealed to me that this was certain and inevitable.

  Oh my god… So, what was I thinking,, that he would be here forever, that he would remain next to me forever or that we would have the possibility to continue as friends?

  This finding exhausted me, tore me apart and made me irreversibly bleed. And how am I going to live without you, Camen? was my silent cry.

  “Are you going to stay long?” I asked.

  “It depends”.

  “On what?”

  “On you”.

  His answer confused me.

  “I do not understand”.

  “I told you that you do not need to know. Let me worry for both of us. Besides, this is my job”.

  His attitude had completely changed. This was not Camen, the one who was kissing me moments ago, holding me tightly in his arms. He was talking like a professional who does his job very well.

  I insisted due to my agony for my abandonment.

  “Will you tell me? Will you notify me before you go? Will you say goodbye?” I begged him.

  He caressed my cheek and his fingers released a dim shine.

  “Yes”.

  “Will we be able to see each other?” I continued.

  “This is not up to me, Adrian. I cannot appear anytime I want. There must be a reason”.

  My legs buckled and I fell down bursting into tears, not being able to restrain the pain that was filling my chest. My body was shaking, my strength was gone, my existence was not alive. He lifted me in his hands and in the warmth of his embrace he put me in the car. I continued shaking and crying all the way.

  When we arrived he lifted me again and brought me into my room in his arms. He softly opened the door and calmly put me on the bed. The darkness was dense but he shined the moment he touched my hair. I noticed that Christine was not there. He touched my lips with his fingers, lining their shape and the violet shine filled the space.

  My tears were constantly running down creating a silent cry of a woman who loses the angel she fell in love with.

  “Good night, Adrian. Perhaps sometimes I will be coming in your dreams”, he said and left leaving me alone in the darkness of the room, in the darkness of my soul, submissive to divine laws of the Kingdom of Heaven.

  Experiences with Angels

  The deep sleep which I had fallen into, exhausted from the crying, the thoughts and the feelings that overwhelmed me, did not seem to end pushing me to nightmares and nightly maelstroms, of those you know deep in your
subconscious that are not real, yet, you are unable to do something and you live them bathed in sweat from the agony, knowing that you have inability to wake up.

  Angels, demons, supernatural beings were mixing in my mind and wherever I was looking, wherever I was going, they were appearing in front of me. Sometimes wild, sometimes calm, sometimes indifferent but always targeting me with their powers.