When I finally woke up, I was sweaty and my pillow was wet which meant that I was crying all night, even in my sleep. I got up with difficulty, not being able to walk, and I noticed that I wore yesterday’s clothes. Christine was absent. I guessed she had already left for her visit. I threw my clothes to the edge of the bed and entered the shower hoping that the warm water, the shower gel- I do not know exactly- will help me come round. But deep inside I knew that nothing of what I used to do in the past in order to relax, could have the same beneficial effect on me. Everything seemed unbearable. There was no trace of joy in anything. I was unable to see life the way I was seeing it, in my previous condition. With these thoughts and tears falling down, mixing with the water drops, I remained struggling with my feelings for a long time.
When I got out, I noticed that the fog was blurring the image of the trees which were rising in front of the window. I put on a black tracksuit and searched for the tea box. It was funny that I believed a cup of hot tea would help me… However, I felt sick and as much as I hated this beverage thinking about it seemed attractive. I found the tea in a bright blue metallic box, buried under Christine’s piles of books.
As I was preparing it, I remembered the days in Florence that seemed so far away. Yet, I was away for only one week which when finally ended, I was feeling sick.
Suddenly, I felt lonely, entirely lonely. I missed my parents; I wanted to talk to them, to hear them. But surely, it was not a very good time to communicate with them. I left it for later.
I sat by the window in front of our desk and remained looking outside without seeing anything. The images I had in mind were very intense to let me contact with the real world. I thought about everything that had happened the night before, not being able to believe them yet. Nevertheless, what I saw did not leave any room to wonder about lies or truths. His glare, his impressive shine that was flowing out of his body was showing and verifying the validity of his words, my suspicions, and the reality we were facing.
I was wondering what bad luck brought me here, what were the chances for something like this to happen to me, but I immediately regretted it. If this slightest possibility of such an event did not exist, I would never have met him. And this was even more painful than the prospect of not seeing him again.
If a person lives all his life without the chance of meeting the love of their life then, what is the meaning of it? But if someone lives the rest of their life having met this love but depriving of the opportunity to live it, at least they would know that they had had the change. The law of probability. The most unlikely things can happen… And they happened to me.
A bird flew out of the trees with a soft shake of its wings and disappeared in the grey fog. I thought that angels have wings... A pair of all-white wings but this was rather in the imagination of the artists who were showing, in this way, their place in the skies. But even if they had wings, they would not be very useful here.
And I thought about them many more things that were not valid. The only sure thing about their existence and their presence here, is that they appear if there is need for a human; as in my case. Camen was here for me. However, I did not know the exact reason for his appearance. Eric was also present because of me, although I did not understand why a fallen angel appeared and what the relation between them was; unless I was the connecting link. If Eric wanted something from me or even me, why would god send Camen to stop him? What was it that made me so important to both of them? This was becoming a bigger and bigger mystery but I was not able to explain it. And I was sure that neither of them would say anything to me. You heard enough forbidden things for one night...I brought Camen’s words into my mind. So, it was forbidden to talk to humans about their identity, and moreover to be revealed. But he showed me, in detail and in an impressive way, who he is. Why? A big “why” was stuck in my mind.
“Adrian, are you awake?”
The knock on the door came together with Sam’s voice. She came to see me as she had promised.
I got up and opened the door. She entered in a hurry, looking worried. She looked at me with interest.
“How are you?”
“Good”, I lied.
“I do not believe you. You have dark circles under your eyes, you are paler than a dead person and your look sad. All these contradict your statement”.
She spoke like a lawyer. Her expression, though, showed that she was really worried.
“Alright, Sam. I did not sleep well. Maybe I drank too much beer. Moreover, I am always pale”, I justified myself. About my sad look I had nothing to say.
Her look changed a bit, taking my words into consideration, as she was moving her fingers through her long hair to press her temples.
“Maybe you are right. I also have a terrible headache. It seems that we all had too much to drink”, she said smiling.
“What is happening with Tomas?” I dared ask.
There was no need to answer. The shine in her eyes only by hearing his name, was showing everything.
A bright red colour painted her cheeks.
“If I told you I do not like him, it would be a lie”.
“I think the same is happening to him. He could not take his eyes off you the whole night. At least, all the time I was there”.
At least, some people had seized the opportunity to fall in love and most of all they had the right to do it.
“What about you two?”
Her question took me by surprise.
I carefully thought about what to answer, since I was sure that I should not reveal, even a small trace of the truth. Finally, using her words seemed the best explanation.
“I am still in love and he is, as you said, a child of god”.
This was not a lie. It was true all the way and I felt relieved that I did not have to deceive her completely. The details, one way or another, did not concern her.
“Oh, Adrian… Are you saying that there is no way the two of you to…?”
She stopped her sentence putting her hand over her mouth, certain that she was causing me pain with her words.
“I am sorry, Adrian. Please, forgive me!”
“That is alright, Sam. Some things simply do not happen”, I answered calmly… Was I accepting our situation?
I quickly changed the subject. Our homework seemed a common ground.
“What are you doing today? Have you arranged any studying?”
“Yes, we are meeting in an hour. We have found something very interesting”.
“Really? This is important. I hope, now that Camen is back, we will continue with our part. There are many points that need to be discussed, something that was difficult to do by myself”.
And even harder to do it with him, I thought.
“We will meet tomorrow afternoon at the library. Will you inform Camen?”
“Yes, sure”.
“Well, it is time for me to go. I must get ready”, she justified for her short visit fixing her hair, not being able to hide her enthusiasm.
A love at its beginning was blossoming under the lights of Oxford. Universities are the most fertile ground for people to fall in love, and not only them…
“So, I will see you tomorrow, Sam”.
She left tiptoeing, light-hearted and carefree just like someone who is ready to love and be loved.
Once again, I remained alone, looking out of the window the landscape which was obscure from the fog.
I put Fleetwood Mac on the CD player and I was waiting for him to come, feeling the excitement and the expectation for his presence becoming unbearable.
I was standing there for an hour, still, empty, and silent, waiting, thinking about his and my behaviour. How would we continue to coexist, to cooperate daily, spending endless hours together studying, discussing and drawing conclusions without trying- me at least- to touch each other, as long as we would have the opportunity to be in the same world…
The loud knock on the door scared me and made me jump off my chair. I almost fell
down. I straightened my body and with steady steps I reached the door. I stood there for a few moments, holding the knob, knowing that he was behind the door, waiting for me to open.
I tried to smile at him the moment I saw him, without great success. The pain I felt facing him was unbearable. Nevertheless, I had made a decision and I was ready to respect it. He was standing there, handsome in his black clothes again that were emphasizing his colours. His hair was messy and some strands of it were falling in front of his eyes, darkening the golden green colour of them. There was no trace of fatigue on him; there was no blemish on his angelic face. Ι should have known that. Angels may look like us but they surely have more abilities and durability. I felt so small, so human in front of his presence; and yet so lucky that I had the privilege of meeting him.
His look was clear and bright, constantly on me, revealing doubt; probably because of his poise and behaviour towards me. We looked at each other, before he spoke.
“Good morning, Adriana”.
His voice was serious and hoarse. I was not used to it. His harshness was something new and I was sure it was not because of some virus or flu.
“Good morning, Camen”, I said calmly and moved away to let him pass by me.
He stood in the middle of the room, filling the space, with his hands in his pockets, looking at me straight in the eyes, merciless, in an irresistible manner.
“How are you?” he asked me.
More dead than alive, I thought.
“Good”, I continued my lies knowing that it was impossible to trick him.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he said as he took two steps towards me.
I spontaneously moved backwards, being afraid that I could not handle a new touch from him. He stopped, understanding my scared motion. The pain in his eyes was obvious, his lips became a thin line and I immediately understood that my attitude was causing this reaction from him.
“Give me two minutes”, I said to him and tried to calm down.
I moved to his side.
“Why don’t you sit down?” I suggested pointing at the desk.
The safe distance between the two chairs made me feel better; he did not.
“Are you afraid of me, Adrian?” he said and his voice was revealing his thoughts.
“Not you. Never! I am only afraid of myself. I need a little time to get used to the new situation and I would be grateful if you understood, if you comprehended my human weakness to have difficulty resisting you. I think the distance, the safety of the distance between us, would help us keep seeing each other. And this would be good since we will be meeting daily”.
“What makes you think that only humans have weaknesses? Don’t you see mine? Such human weakness, even though I don’t belong to your kind. Didn’t you see last night? How weak I was in front of you? Don’t you see anything else but your own weakness? You are not the only one that suffers, Adrian. Pain is not only humans’ privilege. It belongs to all of us”.
“I know, Camen. I saw it on you, I imagined it about Eric. I just thought that you are stronger than me. I never thought only about myself; if I had, I would have challenged you; I would have begged you to stay with me. I could die if this would protect your integrity, if this would save you from loving me”.
He extended his hand towards mine, to touch it, and he immediately pulled it back. This was a good start. If we could at least avoid the contact between us it could be easier to coexist.
“Well… what do you think? Will we manage to be friends…and only this? Or at least try”, I said softly.
A trace of smile was formed on his face and he blinked his eyes.
“Since when does an angel become friends with a mortal?”
“Since the moment this angel came down to earth and the mortal fell in love with him”.
My confession sounded strange in my ears.
“If love can happen, why not friendships happen too?” I asked.
“Do you think this will be easy, Adrian?”
“No, but it is better than nothing”.
I immediately thought of the moment he would leave and I felt distressed.
“Well, let it be that way”, he agreed looking at me thoughtfully.
We remained absorbed in each other for a few moments, accompanied by the sounds of Fleetwood Mac that were filling the room, but either of us was listening to them. The prolonged silence, the immobility of the moment, our feelings which were continuously emerging without mercy, brought a wave of grief to my soul. This grief was also slowly emerging, trying to come out of me… forming a lump in my throat.
In an attempt to break it, I said awkwardly:
“I have some questions. I want to know a few things about you”.
“Well, ask me”.
“How old are you?”
“I exist, if that is what you mean, since the creation of the world”.
This was unthinkable.
“So, are you immortal?”
“No. I exist only because god wants it and for as long as he wants it. I could disappear only with one thought of his”.
“Has this happened in the past? Was an angel lost because god wanted it?”
“Never. Our creator is a god of freedom. He punishes but he does not destroy”.
“Punishment because of the Law?”
“Whoever violated the Law fell on Earth, in your world and….” He stopped. His face had the expression of someone terrified from his own thoughts.
“And?” I insisted.
“Nothing that you need to know”.
Therefore, it surely concerned me. And Camen was protecting me from knowing it. I looked at his face, wondering if it really looked like this.
“Is this your real face?”
“Yes, without the shine, but you saw me with it too. We are not so different Adrian. He has blown to us the same DNA”.
Then, why I have not met any other man like him?
As if he had heard my thoughts, he went on explaining.
“Our small difference is that we are original, made directly by Him, without being able to continue our kind, simply because there was no need to do it. We were created since the beginning of the world and we are so many that there was no need to be reproduced. That is why there is no female in our kind. Humans, however, started as two so as to be able to develop and be multiplied. That is why they were created as a couple all along. Their DNA is so complicated and its combinations are countless, forming their current diversity”.
“Do you mean the First humans were as beautiful as you?” I asked calmly now, sensing his tranquillity.
“Yes, Adam looked a lot like us. As for his companion, her figure was dazzling even to us; a divine creature, in all respects, that we had never seen anything like that before”.
I pulled Michael Angelo’s frescoes out of the desk drawer and showed him the female figure which was wrapped around the tree of knowledge.
“Even though I imagine you already know the story, let me show you what I have found out”, I said, with the certainty that he would reveal the truth to me, about the creation of the human kind’.
“According to history, Lucifer dared Eve to taste the fruit from the tree of Good and Evil knowledge. Long before you talked to me about your kind, I had assumed that a female angel does not fit in this illustration, even a fallen one, when in the whole work of the artist, the angels are presented as males. Moreover, you revealed to me that there are no female angels. So, what is the reason the painter presented the angel in this form? A discussion I had with Eric led me to the conclusion that something was not told about a woman, the unidentified, as the rest of the team and I named her, and it is about her, right here”.
I showed him the female figure, wrapped around the tree and continued.
“Furthermore, the study of Genesis’ scripts had some ambiguities in the human creation’s quotes. In one of them says that they were created simultaneously, at the same time. In another one it says that god put Adam to sleep
and he created Eve from his rib, apparently at a different time. This led us to the conclusion that there was a first woman, an original one, from the divine DNA as you have stated, who left from Paradise for an unknown reason. According to Eric’s theory, the unidentified woman left because there was no love between her and Adam. Her leaving made god feel sorry for Adam. He took Adam’s loneliness under consideration so he created his new companion from his rib. This means that the new presence was a part of the man so she was his property, totally submissive to him. This made me wonder. Why didn’t he create a female from the original material, the same as Adam’s, as he had done with the unidentified woman but he chose a piece of flesh from the First human?’
Twinkle Page 14