Endy- Reaching for the Missing Moon

by Jiny Lee

  And my mom said, 'Yes, darling, but that was when I was over 14 and you're still 13. I was going to teach you anyway but why are you in such a hurry?'

  Then Kimmy said, 'Danny joined the rebel and I want to help him. I want to join the rebel, too, and I don't want to be a burden to him. I want to have at least one thing that I'm good at and all that I think I can do with hands like these is to learn how to sew! And what if I get chosen to be a sister? I wouldn't get a chance to learn from you after that!'

  So, mom realized why she was in such a hurry to learn anything useful before her Chigan Sar. My mom said nothing for a minute, and then she lowered her voice a little bit and said, 'I know you care about Danny, and I understand how much you want to help him. But why do you risk your own life? You know what the guards do when they catch a pagan, don't you? They don't even bother arrest them! They just kill them with only a small tiny suspicion! I know you think you'd rather join them than be a sister. But there's still a chance you wouldn't be chosen because ...'

  Then Kimmy interrupted her.

  '... Because of my hands and what they say about my real parents. Is that what you're trying to say, mother? And even you're calling the rebels pagans?'

  Mom didn't say anything further. How could she? After some minutes of silence, Kimmy opened her mouth again and told a story about her family.

  She said, her real parents were not brothers and sisters like some people say, but they were the members of the rebel. She said, they were killed by the guards right in front of her eyes. After her parents died, people began to avoid her. They were afraid of being suspected that they were also affiliated. They ignored her, kicked her out of their places whenever she begged for something to eat, and cursed her publically to show the guards how loyal dogs they were. Then it got bigger and bigger to the point where they made stupid rumors.

  'Mother, I know more than anyone the danger of joining the rebel. And I know why you want to stop me. But mother please, let me learn how sew.'

  Mom finally agreed to teach her how to use the sewing machine under one condition that she wouldn't go out of the house until she completely learn how to use the sewing machine to prevent words from getting around.

  So we began to tell everyone that she was lying sick at home when they asked us about Kimmy. Since people were deeply convinced that she was born between siblings, they all seemed to believe that Kimmy was dying of a disease. The rest of us, Diane, Chen and I hang out as usual but it wasn't the same without Danny and Kimmy.

  Another year had passed and the day of Kimmy's Chigan Sar came near. A day before, she said she'd leave now and we had a small farewell party at our house that night. Danny came, too. I was just glad that all five of us could gather in a long while.

  After the party, Danny went back to the rebel's hiding place with Kimmy. Mom said, 'Whenever you need a place to return, this is your home.'

  I cried a lot. Before they left, Danny told me one thing. He said, 'Keep Diane safe.' I promised him that I would. So my final year under the age started with some tears. I didn't dare to guess what more tears I would have. I kept saying to myself his words. 'Keep Diane safe.'

  4

  It brought me a complex feeling when we learned that Kimmy wasn't chosen as a sister the next day. The guards didn't even question about her absence during the ceremony. They just seemed to believe that she really died of a disease. It was truly impressive to see how deeply convinced people were by that stupid rumor they had made. I got a little angry at them.

  After Danny and Kimmy left, there was a limit to what we can do. The three of us couldn't hang around like we used to. And that time around, Chen got sick. We thought it was just a common cold but it wasn't. The doctor said he needed a special medicine that you can get easily from outside. When Danny heard about this, he blamed himself deeply again, saying it was all because he'd left the door open. The rebels were having a hard time at that time to find a new trade channel.

  We all said it wasn't his fault. I think Chen couldn't have made it anyway even if there had been a medicine. I just hoped Danny wouldn't blame himself too much.

  So there were just me and Diane. Just like when we were little. It was a little bit awkward at first to be only with her. But we got used to spending time together and, to be honest, it was a great year. Perhaps the best year of my entire life.

  I found out about a lot of things about her. The things she didn't tell me before.

  Her mother died in an accident when she was a baby. Her father raised her single-handedly. I knew her parents and my parents were close friends since they were kids. Just like me and Diane. But I hadn't heard about their relationship since my mom was quite reluctant to tell me about her past.

  But Diane knew much about them since she'd heard a lot from her father. Her father was a nice person. He was a fun guy and a man who you'd probably want to be around. He was a talkative person, too. He told Diane literally everything. It wasn't just because he was talkative but because he really loved Diane. They were the closest father and daughter that I've ever seen in my life.

  Quite often, Diane told me little secrets like her father cared much for my mother. Ever since her mother died and my father died, they had been really supportive to each other. I said, 'It must be a friendship kind of thing,' and Diane said, 'Do you think so?' with a smile. She had a habit of saying 'do you think so,' instead of saying 'no, that's not it,' with a smile on her face. I liked her smile. She wasn't a kind of girl who covers her mouth when she smiles, if you know what I mean.

  Also, she had this habit of spinning her pens whenever she's thinking about something. The thing is, she was even good at it! Whenever I watched the pen spinning like a magician's wand or something on her pretty white fingers, I lost my words and kept staring at her hand. Then she noticed me and stopped, with that smile again.

  ...

  Spending time together, I came to realize how long she had grown her hair. She was a little taller than me and her hair came all the way down to her waist line. I didn't notice it since she always tied it up.

  As I said, she was a little bit taller than me. We were 13, and I always argued that boys grow late. It was not because she made fun of me. I was just being self-conscious about it. She didn't make fun of my height. Not even once. When I told her that I was still growing, she said, 'Yea, sure you'll grow taller than me someday.'

  It wasn't a sarcastic 'yea, sure, why not.' I loved the way she talked. She was honest almost all the time. She was thoughtful, kind and considerate. One time, when we were hanging around at the market, she noticed a little kitten crying alone on the corner. She got close to the kitten and said, 'Where did you come from little Kitty?' and tried to pet it. And this poor little thing got frightened and bit her hand hard and ran away. I was worried because she was bleeding! Her shoulders were trembling. I thought she was crying. I got close to her and asked if she was okay.

  On a closer look, she wasn't crying. She was laughing. She was laughing and saying how funny it was to be bitten by a little cat.

  So, after that, we spent most of our time looking for that little kitty. Two kids bored to death finally found something interesting to spend their time together. We even named the cat Orion. We spared some of our food to him. That clever yellow cat finally figured out that we were not trying to hurt him. He got used to us and ran toward us whenever he heard us calling his name. We made a funny rhyme about him which goes like, 'hello, yellow, fellow. Pretty, sweety, kitty, la la la,' and whenever we were singing that song, Orion gave us that 'I don't know what you're doing but count me out.' kind of look on his face. Thanks to Orion, we were able to spend a great time even though Danny, Kimmy, and Chen were not together.

  It was a great year. I felt like we got closer and closer to each other every day. We had been together every single day since we were born, though, but I felt like there hadn't been a time when we were that close to each other. We talked about memories, about the days, and about our dreams. Dream is a danger
ous thing to have around here, but...

  ...

  Time passed so quickly. A year flied by like a bullet. One night, a few weeks before our Chigan Sar, we sat on a staircase where we could see the night sky out the window. We sat there without saying anything for about an hour until I opened my mouth first.

  I told her about my dream; a dream that maybe one day everyone in the building gets cured and becomes able to walk freely under the sunlight, and most of all, freely outside the building. She didn't laugh. She asked me if I believed it was possible. I said, 'I believe it's possible for us to be free someday.' Then she asked me again, 'Can you promise?' I didn't answer because I wasn't expecting her to ask me back. I just stared at her face and her long black hair. She stared at me too. I never knew she was that beautiful. Her brown eyes were shining by the moon light and her lips looked redder than I'd always thought them to be.

  Why didn't I notice it much sooner? Just like an old story of a shepherd boy and the moon. She's always there but the boy could only see it when his time has come.

  There was a shepherd boy, lonely on the hill, watching for the flock, the moon, and the stars. The sheep his only friends and the stars his only dream. He needed no more nor asked any more, but one thing did he want; someone to be by his side.

  Poor little shepherd, how could he know there being one looking down on him. Every night on his sleep, the moon and the stars all looked down on him, protecting him and his flock, from the creatures of the night. The moon, every night, she watched him on his sleep, looking down on him. The shepherd, oh her love.

  (...)

  One night, one darkest night, the shepherd fell asleep; A sleep that's so deep that he never woke up again. The moon took his sleeping body up to the heaven. She laid him on her carpet made of clouds and the stars. She kissed him on his eyes and the boy opened his eyes.

  Oh the shepherd boy! He opened his eyes and saw. He finally could see the one did he want. Now the clouds be his flock, and the stars be his friends. He needs no more nor asks any more for he will live forever on her side; he will be sleeping forever on his lover's side."

  I've always thought that the boy killed himself. He was literally abandoned from the outside world and he was all alone, isolated on that high hill. Like we are in this tall building. I never liked that story since I was very little but, why did I came up with that story at that very moment?

  You see, there are many things that I regret in my life. Most of them are just small things like things we can overcome or at least we can justify easily. They are just small mistakes or mistaken steps that we can move on. I hate expressions like I should've or I shouldn't have. They are one of the words that I quite frequently use anyway but, I mean, what's the point? We can't turn back time. We just have to move on. But there's one thing I truly regret the most in my life. The only thing that makes me wish that I could turn back time. I should've told her how I felt and how I wish everything to be. I should have told her how much I cared for her. I should have told her 'yes, I promise you that one day, we could be free from the sun, the building, the system and everything and maybe, we could be together on somewhere far away under the sunlight during the day and under the moonlight during the night. Why didn't I just say yes?

  After that night, we didn't do many things together. We still hang out but mostly we just sat on somewhere and had some meaningless conversations. Nice weather. Yes, it is. Beautiful stars. Yes they are. How could we do anything more? The Chigan Sar was coming and every one of us was worrying about Diane. I tried to act indifferently as hard as I could in front of her. I wasn't afraid of me being chosen to be sent to the factory. But I couldn't even dare to imagine Diane being chosen as a sister.

  5

  Diane's father tried to do everything to prevent her from being chosen. It turned out that, he secretly saved up quite a lot of money together with my mother since we were born. Luckily, the guard who was in charge of the Chigan Sar ceremony wasn't that religious. He was more of a secular person. I heard from mom that Diane's father made a proposal to the guard that he'd give him half the money beforehand. And if Diane's not chosen, he'd give him the rest of the money after the Chigan Sar. It was a bribe. I saw the guard even shook hands with Diane's father and looked at Diane's face as if he was trying to remember her face.

  The guard left the house and we thought everything would be alright. So we had a small celebration party. Danny and Kimmy couldn't come since the guards were trying to clean up the rat holes. They were hiding, looking for the right time and right opportunity. But they sent a letter saying that they really congratulated.

  Things were not good those days, especially for the rebels. People like us were also having a hard time, too because the supplies we got from the cartel somehow reduced even though they were asking more and more from us each year. They were saying, 'In this time of suffer, we should keep in our mind the spirit of perseverance which is written in the code.' The living was tough. We skipped our meals more frequently than we skipped our sleeps. Things were hard, but at least, that night before the Chigan Sar, we blew the candles out together, wishing 'please, just let these days be.'

  ...

  The night of the Chigan Sar came. All the kids were gathered and lined up at the hall.

  There were big halls every 5 floors in the building like on the first floor, fifth floor, tenth, and so on. The rule was, children from the first to fourth floor gather at the hall on the first floor, fifth to the ninth, hall on the fifth floor and tenth to the fourteenth, tenth floor, etc. So all the subjected boys and girls from the tenth to the fourth floor, including myself and Diane, gathered on the tenth floor from quite an early hour.

  Diane and I got there not too early but not too late. Boys and girls were supposed to be standing separated so I wished her good luck and got on my way.

  All the boys were standing there with various faces. Some looked terrified, and some looked tensed. Some even looked like they were pretending to be cool like it's no big deal. I wondered which face I was putting on.

  There were about thirty or forty boys. Girls were standing on the other side, about twenty or thirty. We were all standing there like sheep in a slaughter house, waiting for turns. I tried to find Diane. She was standing somewhere in the middle. I spotted her and I kept looking at her so that she could notice me when she looked for me as well. She finally looked around and noticed where I was and I tried to say 'don't worry' with my lips without making any sound. I wasn't sure she read my lips.

  A few moments later, the ceremony started. At first, the sisters came down the stairs. Everyone should kneel down and say the words of blessing. It's supposed to be something like 'by the grace of the goddess and her glorious silver light, which let us walk through the darkest night, I bless you and may the goddess watch your path,' blah, blah, blah, but mostly, people say out loud the first 'By the grace of the goddess and her glorious silver light,' and then mumbles the latter part after their heads are completely down. And then they say 'bloody hell, and may the goddess or whatever, fuck you and all the system.' It was a way of, I don't know, at least being a little rebellious because we can't actually do anything to make any difference.

  Instead of turning my head down so early, I looked at the sisters coming down the stairs quite carefully. I pitied them. They came all the way down here from the top 200th floor. I heard that there were classes among the sisters that the sisters of the highest class were sent to the Chigan Sar of the relatively higher floors and ones of the lowest class got to come all the way down here. I saw some legs shaking. It brought me back to my childhood memory again.

  Their arrival marked the beginning of Chigan Sar. They stood in front of us and started to sing a song for celebrating the event, singing how glorious it is to be fully grown up like the full moon above and how meaningful it is to be the rightful member of the community and how wonderful it would be to be chosen as a sister, or a worker if you're a boy. It was kind of funny how the first part sounded rigid,
even poetic actually, while the latter part sounded so forced and contrived.

  After the singing, one of the guards had to come up and officially announce the chosen boys and girls. Supposedly, it was to be the guard whom we gave money the night before. He was to come up and say out the names except Diane's. It was fortunate for us that the whole system was corrupted. This pseudo-religious everything was so corrupted. I once wondered why they didn't just pick up anybody once in a while without doing all this fancy celebrating things. Kimmy said, 'It's for the sake of mass control.' She said, There's no one who likes every little bit about the religion but no one dares to question the religion itself. Nearly everyone curses the guards and the system but still, nearly everyone prays to the goddess at the same time.'

  She didn't believe in any goddess. She even said, 'If there's any kind of god or goddess or what so ever, they wouldn't let all this happen under their sky. If they would let this happen, then they are not apt to be called gods. They're demons who enjoy to see us suffer.'

  Mom didn't like when Kimmy spoke like that cause my mom thought what's bad was the people and not the goddess herself.

  Anyway, after the singing the guard was expected to come up the stage to make an announcement. But no one came out. A minute or two had passed. Still no one came out. It was weird. One, two, three ... Maybe ten or more minutes had passed. Creepy silence continued without any sign of stopping. I looked at Diane again. She looked at me either with her worried eyes. I said don't worry and tried to make a smily face as hard as I could.

  'How long has it been?' I thought to myself. It felt like an hour. A torturing hour of anxiety. My mind was filled with so many thoughts. I thought like 'There might be something really bad happening up stairs and what if the guards try to kill all of us? No, that's ridiculous. Maybe the guards are preparing to take all of us this year due to some kind of lack of supply. Then what about Diane? No, that's nonsense. It must be some technical problem, or just a casual delay. Then why is this casual delay taking so long?' All these thoughts kept making me and all the rest of the boys and girls worried. I looked around to find my mom and Diane's dad. Adults were not supposed to be close to the hall so they were in a distance behind the guards. I could see that they were wishing for nothing bad happening.