Waiting For It

by Allyson Lindt

  There was a text and a missed call from Sadie. Call me. Stat.

  It was an emergency. I’d been moping in my own thoughts all night, and she needed me. I dialed her number, and pressed my phone to my ear as I stepped off the elevator.

  “Hey,” she answered cheerfully on the first ring.

  “Hey. Are you all right?” I wandered over to a tucked away corner of the lobby.

  “Yeah. Are you?”

  What? I settled onto a cushion that let me press my back to a pillar. “You’re the one who sent an emergency message.”

  “You’re my emergency,” Sadie said. “I’m worried about you.”

  Realization spread through me, drawing a sad smile. “You talked to Chase.”

  “He didn’t give me details. He just asked me to tell you he was sorry. Said you wouldn’t hear it from him.”

  No. My thoughts revolted. I didn’t like the idea of someone playing messenger on my behalf. “I heard him fine.”

  “What happened?” Sadie sounded concerned.

  Which—of course she was. I might doubt Chase and Luke’s motivations, but Sadie was my best friend. My sister. “Apparently, there was more to this whole hitting on me thing than he or Luke disclosed up front.” I laid out the conversation from this morning for her. Bile coated my throat when I got to the part about the bet, but I made it through the whole story without falling into tears of frustration.

  “Basically, Chase and Luke went out, and it didn’t go anywhere because they both like you, and they talked about that.” The way she said it made the whole thing sound simple and trivial.

  Wasn’t it?

  I bit the inside of my cheek, to collect my thoughts before replying. “They discussed competing against each other to win me over. They made a bet. And they never bothered to tell me.”

  “Telling you kind of invalidates the bet, right?” Sadie laughed.

  I didn’t know how to respond. She was agreeing with every part of me that said I was being dumb.

  “Jax and Grayson talked about dating me, before they approached me,” she said.

  “Jax and Grayson were already a couple, and they didn’t talk about you like you were some sort of prize to be won. They didn’t establish rules. Contest terms. A bet, about who could steal your heart first. Chase and Luke might as well be cashing in skeeball tickets for me. I don’t even know if they like me or just liked the idea of the competition.” The moment I spoke the words aloud, they latched onto a fear I hadn’t given a name. Now it was real. And gut-wrenching.

  “I think you’re exaggerating. And of course they like you, Sadie said.”

  Was I? Exaggerating? Why did I feel justified in my reaction in that case? “This is exactly why I should have turned Chase down. I knew everyone would take sides.” My gut had been right about that. “I didn’t think...” The next words were harder to say. “I didn’t think you’d be so completely on his. I thought you’d give me a little bit of—”

  “I’m not completely on his side. I can hear in your voice that you’re miserable, and this morning you were so happy, you were almost singing.”

  “They used me as the wager.” I must not be making myself clear. What wasn’t I saying right? “If I tell Chase this is no big deal, that my feelings on the matter aren’t important as long as he didn’t mean anything bad by it, how’s that going to help me feel better?” I’d love an answer, because she was right. I felt like shit.

  “That’s not—”

  “What you meant. Right. Silly Anne, misinterpreting things. Blowing her feelings out of proportion.” The retort scraped through me like razor-bladed claws. It spoke to so many of the accusations Shawn threw at me every time we fought.

  “That’s not what you’re doing.”

  “Forget it.” I didn’t trust her to say any more, or myself to hear either of us correctly. “Chase is actually family. I get that.” I almost sobbed on the words. “I understand. Bye.”

  The instant I hung up, my phone rang again. Sadie.

  I ignored the call.

  And the next three, as I walked back to the elevator.

  Her text came in as I stepped into the waiting car. Call me back, please? Talk to me?

  Maybe she was right about what she’d said on the phone. Everyone was saying please and I’m sorry, and I was ignoring them.

  But Shawn did that to me so many times—ignored my concerns and insisted if I didn’t accept an apology, it was my fault. Who was I supposed to trust? The friends who’d always been there for me, or myself?

  It shouldn’t be a choice I had to make.

  Chapter Seventeen

  I wasn’t looking forward to spending another morning commute of not talking to Luke. Especially if it was followed by us, working in the same room together and not saying anything.

  He was my boss. I still had to discuss business with him. That wasn’t a big deal.

  I also needed to tell him about my findings from yesterday. “I talked to Zane. He traced the leak back to an account.” I kept my tone cool and conversational, as Luke drove toward the office.

  “Who?”

  “Billie.”

  This was when Luke would stop being so nice. Tell me I’d fucked up. That I was an idiot. Ask why I’d kept things from him. Why Billie was still working for us.

  Luke glanced at me. “What do you think?”

  All of my defensive responses lodged in my throat. “I don’t think she’s responsible.” I reached for reasons why not, but I hadn’t found anything concrete yet.

  “Okay. I can’t hold the dogs off forever, but I can give you until the end of the day. You don’t have to give me a new name, but I do need a direction to point Zane in, if this isn’t it.”

  Tension I didn’t know I’d been holding drained from me, and I sank back against the seat. “Thank you.”

  “Fuhgettaboutit,” he said, in a near-perfect Tony Soprano voice.

  It would be so easy to laugh. To have fun with this moment. I just had to forgive him and pretend twenty-four hours ago—or rather, the events that led to the revelation of twenty-four hours ago—never happened.

  I wouldn’t be tossed around emotionally like that. Never again.

  This felt different than Shawn’s emotional manipulation, though. But I couldn’t put my finger on how or why.

  We arrived at the office, set up in the conference room, and dove into work. The bulk of the sound in the room was fingers, clacking on keyboards. The air didn’t feel as heavy as yesterday. Maybe the smoke outside was clearing up.

  My phone rang a little after noon, and sourness coursed through me. It was Lyn. Would this be a repeat of last night?

  I couldn’t shut everyone out of my life, and I’d curl up and wither if I pushed away another friend. “I’ll be back.” I managed to keep my voice steady as I pushed back from the table.

  Luke nodded, watching me with an expression I didn’t want to recognize as concern.

  I took the stairs down, to organize my thoughts to the rhythm of my shoes, hitting concrete. When I stepped outside, the sunshine hit my face and sank into my soul. I paused outside the door and drank in the warmth.

  This was a building on a block of assorted businesses, so there wasn’t a lot of space to loiter in, but I found an empty patch of sidewalk away from the entrance, near a tree, and dialed Lyn back before I could fall into the fear that this would go badly.

  “Hey.” Lyn managed to pour sympathy into the single syllable. “How are you doing?”

  “Depends on what you’ve heard.”

  “That Chase was a dick. That Sadie misses you.”

  I sighed and blinked back the sting behind my eyelids. “I don’t want to make you take sides.” I couldn’t stand losing another friend.

  “Are you hurting?”

  So much more than I wanted to admit. “Yes. But don’t hate anyone because of me.”

  “Because of Chase.” Lyn’s correction was emphatic. “Did he tell you this is your fault? It’s not.”
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  “No. He never said anything like that.” In fact, neither Chase nor Luke had. They’d been trying to apologize.

  “I don’t hate anyone. I want you to be all right.”

  A lump formed in my throat. Such simple words, and they were choking me up. “What if I’m wrong to be mad, though? What if the only reason it’s a big deal is because I’m making it one? If I let it go and moved on, everything would be fine.”

  “Fine for whom? What does your gut tell you?” Lyn tsked.

  Lies. Always lies. “To be mad. To forgive them. I don’t know anymore.”

  “So listen to it.”

  I rolled my eyes. “If you’re trying to be helpful, you’re not.” So why was my frustration sapping away?

  “You’re fighting your instincts right now. I know you. If you stop telling yourself you’re wrong, and start believing you’re right, it’s going to help.”

  “So I’m wrong to think I’m wrong?” I chuckled dryly.

  She laughed. “I suppose yes, I am saying that. If you were home, I’d wrap you in a big hug. Until then, hug yourself and trust yourself. I do.”

  So did Luke. He’d said so more than once. “If you insist,” I said.

  “I do. How can I help?”

  “I think you already have.” I couldn’t explain how, but I was feeling a little better. She made sense, even with such a short exchange. Lyn was amazing like that. “Thank you.”

  We chatted a minute or two longer, made plans for the weekend, and then she had to get back to work. I needed to do the same, but I wasn’t ready yet. I had to sort out the wash of emotion clogging my thoughts. I leaned against the tree, eyes closed and face to the sun, until I heard a car.

  I looked to see Chase parking a few spots away. I expected a clench in my gut, and there was a small one, but it was tempered by being happy to see him.

  He approached, a plastic takeout bag hanging from one arm, and a drink holder with three cups of soda in the other hand. “Authentic Russian food. You can either eat with us or take yours and go somewhere else. I’ll understand either way.”

  “Did you and Luke plan this?” The question popped out without consideration. I needed to know.

  He shook his head. “I wanted to see you, and I thought this might get my foot in the door.”

  “Food. You thought you could bribe me with lunch.”

  “Not bribe, but sate. You always forget to eat, Annie.”

  True. “Lunch sounds good.” And I could eat in the same room as them. I’d spent the last few hours with Luke. I didn’t have to talk to eat.

  Chase’s smile was brighter than the sun and twice as soothing.

  We rode the elevator back up and found Luke exactly where he’d been when I walked away. He smiled too, when I moved my computer to the side and accepted a takeout box from Chase.

  Chase had gotten me pelmeni—dumplings filled with meat. We didn’t have a lot of variety in Salt Lake, but Lyn was eternally trying new dishes and comparing them to the local places as experiments for her café, and we got to be her taste testers. These weren’t quite as good as hers, but I was biased, and they were real close.

  “I don’t think I’ve ever had Russian food before. This is good,” Luke said.

  “The people who own the place are this great older Russian couple. Political refugees.”

  Not something I heard very often when it came to other continents. “Like, former KGB or something?”

  Chase’s smirk said he had a story to tell. “Like Romanovs.”

  What?

  “It’s my understanding that’s just a name these days.” Luke looked as surprised as I felt.

  “Not to the people who hold it.” Chase leaned in. “Never tell a Romanov they’re just a name. So this man’s grandmother, back when the wall came down, saw the balance of power shifting and decided it was time for her family to fill the vacuum.”

  And I questioned my decisions. “Bullshit.”

  Chase held his hands up. “Honest to God, this is the story they tell. So Babushka had acquired a long list of friends in her life—she was everyone’s mother or sister or best friend—and she’d convinced several of the oldest and the youngest that it was time to rise up.”

  I could almost picture that in my head. And I could see Chase spinning a similarly compelling argument, if he decided that was what the world needed.

  “Since we’ve never heard of it, I’m guessing that didn’t go well.” Skepticism filled Luke’s voice.

  Chase wasn’t deterred. “It was going better than you might think. Problem was, one of the women in her rebellion-to-be was married to a KGB agent. This girl would have freaked if he tossed her surrogate babushka in a Gulag—”

  “Not a thing anymore in the eighties,” Luke said.

  Chase rolled his eyes. “Send her to Siberia, then. Whatever. So I’m taking a little bit of artistic license.”

  I suspected he was taking a lot, but the story was entertaining, regardless. “What happened next?”

  “So Mr. KGB went to the actual grandson.” Chase looked pleased that I asked. “Told him what she was up to. He actually sounded concerned. She’d organized hundreds of potential-rebels through all the people she knew. KGB agent gave this man and his wife a choice—take Grandma and leave the country, or she would be arrested. They weren’t as impassioned about the cause, and Mr. KGB offered them the paperwork they needed to get to the US without hassle, so they packed up their belongings and their grandmother, and left.”

  It was a good story. Had all the right elements—a heroine I could root for, an extended family who cared, and a sympathizer within the system. “How much of that is true?”

  “That’s the tale they tell. Who am I to question it?”

  I laughed in spite of myself.

  Even Luke was smiling. “You do know some incredible stories.”

  “Funny how none of them are about you.” I didn’t mean it to be an accusation, but as I said it, I realized Chase rarely told tales about himself.

  Chase shrugged. “I’m an open book. You already know all my secrets.”

  “Obviously not.” I hadn’t forgiven the guys yet, and I wasn’t letting anyone off the hook for a few dumplings and a fairytale.

  “She’s right, you know,” Luke said.

  Chase sank back into his seat. He radiated confidence, even when he was being poked with doubt and criticism. How nice would that be? “As if you’d say otherwise.”

  My insides twisted, and Shawn’s voice echoed in my head. It’s your fault you’re fighting. If you’d been nicer, he wouldn’t have to say those things. God, I hated that voice so much. Why couldn’t I ignore it?

  Chapter Eighteen

  I wish you didn’t make me... The mental Shawn-voice faded as Luke held my gaze.

  “If she was wrong, I’d say so. That doesn’t happen very often, though.” Luke was talking to Chase, but he was focused on me.

  “Fair point.” Chase’s agreeing with Luke silenced the voice even more.

  I didn’t want to think about me. “Tell us a story about you.”

  This was when Chase would bite back. He’d tell me no. To stop. That I was stupid for pushing the issue.

  “When I was fifteen, I was at Jax’s. One of the rare times I spent more than a few minutes at his house,” Chase said.

  I didn’t know this story. If I did, it wasn’t in this context.

  “Something was peeking out from under the corner of his bed, and I was curious. New comic? Naked chicks? The glossy cover and hint of colors made me think it was the latter, so I tugged. Nope, none of the above. Naked dudes. Alone. With each other. With the biggest cocks I’d ever seen. Not a single woman to be seen anywhere, and trust me, I looked. I stared at those pages and had no idea why they made my skin so hot.”

  Luke looked like he was trying to hide amusement.

  I’d expected if Chase shared a story, it would be something lighthearted and flippant. That wasn’t where this was headed.

&n
bsp; Chase shook his head. “Jax came back from wherever he was—grabbing something out of the basement, or who remembers—and the instant I saw him, I shoved the magazine under the bed and ran back home. I was so embarrassed by my own reaction, I didn’t talk to him for days.”

  “Is that why you pushed Sadie away from him?” I couldn’t imagine, and the timeframe didn’t line up.

  Chase huffed out a laugh. “No. That was something completely different. I didn’t understand how the pictures made me feel. It took me a while to process. That it didn’t mean Jax was interested in me. That I could like girls and boys. That I could be turned on by them and still daydream about you.” He locked his gaze on mine.

  Heat flooded my face, and I turned away. I didn’t want to feel better around him and Luke, but I did. This was how it always went with Shawn, though. Wasn’t it? We’d fight. He’d apologize and be sweet. We’d start over.

  Why did this feel different? Not so littered with landmines?

  We wrapped up lunch, and Chase left us to work. He’d convinced our vendor to accept our new deadlines and requirements, and was off to try to sign someone new while he was in town.

  I only had a few hours left, to keep Billie from being fired. She probably had no idea—at least I hoped she didn’t. My mind was clearer than it had been since we arrived, and now was the perfect time to go back over all the information I had.

  Big problem was, I didn’t have any more idea of where to look than yesterday. I stared at the source control, willing it to give me answers. All those files, ones Billie should be working on, checked in at seven. Eight, Mountain Time, since that was what my computer was set to, and those times made sense. We’d all been working late hours, and checking a file in at seven at night was nothing, comparatively speaking.

  My brain clicked, whirred, backed up, and replayed what I was looking at.

  Those were morning timestamps. “When did the leak happen? What time?” I asked Luke.

  He half glanced at me. “We were on the plane, so... between eight and nine?”