He grabbed her neck and squeezed with hands that didn't feel like his. He could see them, but not feel them, so he squeezed harder, desperate, his temples pulsating, his heart threatening to explode in his chest, his sight hazier and hazier until he collapsed unconscious on his ex-wife's still body.
***
Charlie woke up in a hospital bed, drowsy and in a state of confusion. It took him a full day to realize he was free from Mary Ellen's madness. But his ex-wife was dead and allegedly he'd killed her. There was always a policeman by his door while they cleaned the drugs from his blood, but his lawyer was optimistic. The violent reaction had probably been triggered by the mix of drugs Mary Ellen had forced on him.
As he slowly recovered, he didn't get many visits. Once his mother-in-law came to scream accusations at him, but his lawyer recommended he keep calm so he didn't react to the desperate mother's scene. It was obvious his mother-in-law hadn't realized that her daughter had gone crazy.
He was expecting the nurse who would shave him when the door opened. But it wasn't the nurse, it was Valerie with a very round belly that had grown while they were apart. She was serious, and his eyes filled with tears.
"Five minutes, Ma'am," he heard the cop say.
"Fine," she answered keeping her eyes on Charlie.
She sauntered towards him in slow motion, more beautiful than ever.
"Valerie," he whispered incredulous.
She hugged him and he started crying, pressing his face between her breasts and her belly.
"Careful, there's a baby in there," she chided, caressing his hair.
He pulled up to look at her through tears. "Valerie, I... You didn't think I abandoned you, did you?"
"No, but you vanished for a couple of months and the police couldn't find you. Then your ex-mother-in-law finds you passed out on your ex-wife's corpse..."
"She framed me, Valerie. She forced me to do it. I had no choice."
"I know. Don't worry, we'll find a way out." She put one finger on his lips. "We'll talk when it's over," she said tenderly. "I have only five minutes, so I'd rather do this."
She took his face in her hands and kissed him in spite of the stubble she normally didn't like. He hung to that kiss with relief and calmed down.
"Time's up, Ma'am," the cop said, a little embarrassed.
"See you in court," she whispered. "We'll make it."
"Yes." He managed to smile at last. "Together we'll make it."
He watched her go, still in slow motion, and locked her smile inside his heart. He felt alive and complete again.
VARIATIONS ON A THEME
One is blond and blue-eyed, the other has dark hair and eyes. Names change, situations change, but it's all variations of the same love story. Short stories of m/m romance.
Heartbreaker has also a comic-book version by Barbara G.Tarn – in Italian and print only. The band Pearls of Wisdom, albeit with a different (mixed/straight) line-up, is the protagonist of Best of Friends.
***
Dismissed Gay
"I can't believe it, you're Charlie, aren't you?"
Startled, Charlie turned around to look at the brown-haired young man. The other looked familiar, but he couldn't put a name on that face.
"Yes," he answered puzzled. "Sorry, but I don't..."
"I'm Matt." The other grinned. "Remember ten years ago, MTV Dismissed? We fought for gorgeous Brad's attention."
"Oh, right! How are you?"
Strange chance encounter in a supermarket. Charlie stared at his "rival for a day" with renewed interest. He had almost forgotten his participation in the reality show.
"Good! You?" Matt beamed. "You haven't changed, except for cutting your hair."
"You haven't changed at all, now that I remember where I saw you. Do you know where Brad is?"
"Of course, we're still together."
"Really?" Charlie stared at Matt, incredulous. A love story born on an MTV reality show that lasted ten years? Unbelievable – the power of TV, of those twenty minutes of fame or what?
"Yes, we live in the area," Matt said. "And so do you, if you shop here, right?"
"Indeed."
"Why don't you come and visit?" Matt fished in his pockets and gave him a card. "It's the studio name, but also home. Call us, let's get together again."
"Sure." Charlie pocketed the card, and Matt waved good-bye.
Charlie pushed his cart forward, still stunned by the meeting. Matt and Brad. His fifteen minutes of fame on his favorite TV channel. He smiled at the memory. Damn, ten years already since that episode. But he could still remember that day. He had the recording of the show, but much more had happened away from the cameras or had been cut in the editing room.
He'd been twenty-one at the time. So was Matt. Brad was twenty-two and gorgeous. Blond, blue eyes, perfectly toned body – he looked like a model. As soon as he had laid eyes on Brad, Charlie had felt overwhelmed. Why would someone like Brad go to MTV to find a boyfriend? He must have plenty of suitors already! Charlie had asked him, but Brad's reply had been vague – he'd said he hadn't found what he was looking for yet. Although he never really said what he actually wanted. Charlie and Matt had to discover it. Watching the recording later, Brad had only said he wanted someone who made him feel good, but what that person should do to seduce him wasn't specified. Maybe he didn't know himself.
Charlie only knew that Brad was too much for him. Too handsome, too out of reach. Not that he was ugly, but he wasn't as ready as Matt, who looked determined to get the stud. During his Time Out he had expressed his uncertainties and when it was his turn to be alone with Brad, he didn't even kiss him. Not because he wasn't attracted to Brad, but because he could feel the camera on him, the strangeness of the situation, and Brad's excessive beauty.
"I'm not the guy who kisses on a first date," he had declared, relieved, after being Dismissed. It wasn't completely true but better for his ego. He had thought the show would be fun, but it had been embarrassing instead. He hated the spotlight.
Seeing Matt and Brad ten years later might be just as embarrassing, or quite fun. There were no cameras this time, and it could be like a school reunion. Funny, sad, melancholic – who knew. Charlie was really thinking of going – he wanted to know if and how they had changed. Both he and them.
He finished his shopping and went home still in a trance, noticing too late he had forgotten half of the stuff but too happy to care.
***
Brad was still gorgeous. He dazzled Charlie with his smile when he opened the door.
"Charlie! You haven't changed at all. I'm not surprised Matt recognized you immediately!"
"I cut my hair," Charlie observed, amused.
"You look great anyway." Brad let him in. Matt joined them and greeted Charlie with the same cheerfulness he had shown at the supermarket.
"So you're still together," Charlie said, sitting in their living room. "I would have never guessed."
"We weren't expecting this to last either," Matt admitted. "But apparently we are meant to be. How about you? Got a boyfriend?"
Charlie nodded. "His name is Jason, he's thirty-five. He's British, but moved here."
"Where did you meet?" Brad asked.
"At a common friends' party. We've been together for three years now."
"So there were others before him." Matt grinned.
"A couple."
"You looked so shy ten years ago!" Matt continued.
"I was a fish out of water," he admitted. "I'm not always that introverted."
"You refused to kiss me," Brad said. "Only because it was our first date."
"I didn't dare. You were too gorgeous."
"I was there to allow you. You don't know what you missed."
"I can imagine, and I'm sorry but it's history now..."
Still, when Matt moved to the next room to answer the phone, Brad leaned towards Charlie.
"You know, maybe I chose the wrong guy," he said, looking Charlie straight in the eyes. "But you
made me uneasy."
"Me?" Charlie couldn't believe his ears. He thought he was the one who was uneasy in Brad's presence, too awed by his good looks!
"Yes, you, Brooding Beau." Brad smiled. "And you're even sexier now than ten years ago."
"I'm not sexy." He averted his eyes, embarrassed.
"You are, but you're not aware of it, which makes you even sexier," Brad said, staring at him with growing lust.
"I... it's late, I really must go." He jumped to his feet, trying to ignore his own arousal. "Great seeing you guys, keep in touch."
"Yes, we want to meet your boyfriend." Brad's stare softened and Charlie wondered if he had dreamed of seeing the desire in those eyes. Still, he rushed out of their house, disconcerted. Maybe that reunion hadn't been such a good idea after all.
***
"You went to Dismissed?" Jason asked, incredulous.
"Well, it was ten years ago." Charlie shrugged. "And I hated every minute of it."
"I'm not surprised, knowing you," Jason said, amused. "I'd have loved watching you then – pity I didn't know you existed yet."
"I think I have the recording somewhere, but I doubt you'd enjoy it." Charlie smiled. "Anyway, I met my show partners."
"Really?"
"Yeah, they're still together."
"So you were dismissed back then."
"Of course, I was sort of grumpy that day. Anyway, they'd like to meet you. When do you think we could have dinner with them?"
"Let me see... I might do Thursday night."
"Honey, you're too busy," Charlie chided. "When will you date me?"
"We live together – isn't than enough?" Jason said without looking at him.
Charlie sighed. "Fine. I'll call them and ask them if they're free on Thursday."
***
They met at a restaurant chosen by Jason. Charlie was uneasy under Brad's burning stare and Matt's exuberance was getting on his nerves. Jason was his usual cool self, and Brad and Matt missed most of his British humor – thank God, as Jason's jokes were quite mean if you understood the Queen's English, but Brad and Matt were blissfully unaware. Charlie was starting to feel sorry for agreeing to the reunion.
At the end of the meal, Jason wanted to pay for all, but Charlie, Brad and Matt didn't let him.
"Let's go dancing!" Matt suggested after dinner.
"I must leave," Jason said. "I get up early tomorrow. I'll leave Charlie with you if you can give him a lift."
"I'd rather come home too," Charlie protested, overwhelmed by Brad's stare and jarred by Jason's behavior.
"No, stay," Jason insisted. "You can have fun for one night." His blue eyes held a cold command to obey and shut up, and Charlie gulped. Why was Jason so pissed off and unwilling to talk about it?
Charlie agreed to follow Matt and Brad. They went back to the venue where they had ended their MTV night ten years earlier and started reminiscing again.
"Charlie, it's your Time Out, leave us alone for twenty minutes," Matt ordered with a laugh, pretending to hand him the MTV card.
Charlie obeyed with relief. The night was turning out strange and he wasn't happy that Jason had left. He stood outside of the club, thinking he really should go home and forget about the MTV experience. It was history after all, why the reunion? He was changed, he had a boyfriend, he didn't need a reality TV show to get laid – not that he had gotten that ten years ago, but anyway...
He was about to call a taxi when Matt called him.
"It's been half an hour!"
"Sorry, got lost in thought. Maybe I should go home...."
"No, no, it's my Time Out now!"
Matt pushed him back inside and forced him to sit next to Brad before leaving.
"So, here we are," Brad said. "I feel as if I need to choose between the two of you again."
"I'm not in the race," Charlie said, embarrassed.
"So you won't kiss me this time either?" Brad insisted.
Charlie shook his head, his throat closed by his feelings, his heart hammering against his chest.
Brad sighed. "I'd love to date you."
"You have a boyfriend, and so have I."
"I know, but maybe he's the wrong one. Both mine and yours."
"Speak for yourself!" Charlie snapped, jarred. "It's late, I'll get a cab."
He left without turning back. Brad was too much of a temptation and he couldn't cheat on Jason...
***
Charlie picked up the phone – it was Brad.
"I wanted to let you know my new address and phone number."
"Why, what happened?" he asked, puzzled.
"I broke up with Matt."
Charlie was speechless.
"Don't feel guilty about it," Brad continued, amused. "It was already in the air. Let's say you gave me the courage to actually do it."
"But he's still mad about you!" Charlie said, nonplussed.
"I know, that's why I waited for so long," Brad replied. "But now I can't stop thinking of you..."
"I have a boyfriend, Brad."
"I know, I've met him. But he's so cold with you! I'd cover you with cuddles if I were your boyfriend."
"I love also Jason because he has that British self-control."
"As you wish." Brad sighed. "I'd love you to have my number, we could hang out sometimes..."
"I don't want to hang out with you, Brad," Charlie snapped. "You're too much of a temptation."
"So you like me!"
"Only a blind man could ignore your looks."
"So I have hope."
"No, Brad. I'm monogamous. I can't kiss a stranger, nor love two men at the same time. I'm sorry but unless you find another boyfriend, I'd rather not see you again."
He hung up, determined. He still couldn't believe the conversation he'd just had. For some time after the TV show, he'd cursed himself for letting the stud go. And now that Brad was even more gorgeous and hit on him, he kept rejecting him! He lusted after Brad, but he couldn't cheat on Jason. He didn't want to end a relationship for the whim of a gorgeous young man who might or might not really be in love.
***
"I think you should move out," Jason said, staring at his newspaper and sipping his tea.
Charlie stared at him, stunned. "What?"
"There isn't much left between us, and I'd like to be free to explore new horizons," Jason continued. His icy eyes stared at Charlie with a glare, a threat there that had never been before. "Why don't you go and have a threesome with your Dismissed buddies?"
"You're jealous?" he protested. "There's nothing between me and them! I haven't heard from them since we dined all together!"
"Pity, you were a nice trio – a blond, a brunet and a dark-haired." Jason stared at the newspaper again. His tone was icier than ever.
"Brad broke up with Matt," Charlie said, upset by how things were going.
"Because he wants you," Jason replied. "It's pretty obvious. He spent the night staring at you."
"But I don't want to be with him, I want to be with you!"
"And I have found a lover younger and more passionate than you," Jason replied sharply. "Remember Leo? I'd love for him to move in, therefore pack your bags!"
"But... but..." Charlie was speechless. He remembered Leo, a blond guy ten years younger than him. "Leo only wants your money! He's a hustler!"
"And I'm fine with it. I want to shag, not to fall in love."
"I thought we were doing great!"
"We were." Jason stared at him serious. "But it's over, Charlie."
At loss for words, he stopped arguing. He had done so much for that relationship and now Jason kicked him out!
"I'll see if my old apartment is still available," he whispered, defeated.
***
Charlie couldn't take his eyes off of Leo and Jason. He didn't know why he had gone to that party – he knew they'd be there. Of course Leo was cuter than him, a different kind of beauty, and looked younger – almost a teenager in spite of being twenty-one.
&nbs
p; Jason looked very sweet with his new lover. Like he was with me at the beginning, he thought sourly. How could he not realize Jason's passion was gone? Maybe he'd given too many things for granted – work, house, Jason. And now he was alone. Work was fine but the rest had gone down the gutter.
He couldn't find another apartment at such a short notice, so he had crashed in the guest room of a colleague. He considered going out and trying to find another boyfriend, but the unexpected end of his relationship with Jason had taken its toll on his heart.
Maybe he could talk to Matt. After all, Matt had been dumped too. And he still lived in the house the tempting angel had abandoned after ten years.
No, he couldn't live in the past, go looking for ex-boyfriends, remember forever. He must keep going forward. Get away from the morbid contemplation of Jason and Leo, and go figure out something for his stupid, meaningless life. He must find a new dream to carry on, besides work.
He knew he could still give much to a partner, although he had no idea where to look for one. A part of him didn't want to date again, if only to avoid another rejection. Why was he always dumped – why did his boyfriends always get bored first?
Brad wanted him. But Charlie had refused to write down Brad's phone number. And he couldn't ask Matt.
He left the party, depressed an unsure about his future.
***
"Hello." Charlie was focusing on the error message on his PC when he picked up the phone. Stupid file had something wrong. He found what it was and corrected it while, on the other side of the phone, someone asked, "Charlie?"
"Speaking," he answered, hitting "send" again. No error this time.
"Hi, it's Brad."
Startled, he averted his eyes from the screen to stare at the phone as if it were a ghost.
"I couldn't resist, I called Jason and he told me you didn't live there anymore," Brad continued. "I mean, I didn't talk to him, but to a guy called Leo. How are you?"
"Fine," he answered, still stunned. Two months had gone by since the previous call, and he hadn't expected Brad to get into communication ever again. "I found a small apartment and..."
"Still single?"
"Yes," he admitted with a sigh.
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