Pink Fucking Moscato

by Anna Rezes

  “Do you think I wanted it to end this way?” he hissed.

  “What? You didn’t want to knock up the woman you were cheating on me with?”

  “Don’t bring Estelle into our fight,” he said, and I knew I hit a nerve.

  “Feeling mighty protective of your baby mama, are you? If our baby didn’t die, would you put that much effort into protecting me?”

  He looked pissed. “I won’t listen to this.” He turned to go back inside.

  I wasn’t done talking to him, and I needed to say something that would make him listen. “Hold on to each other while Jesus holds your babies.” Saying the words made me lose my composure, but it got him to turn around. “Those were your grandma’s words to us before she died, and you promised her you would.”

  He looked thoroughly defeated. “Don’t you think I tried?”

  I waited for him to elaborate, and eventually, he said, “I tried. I really tried to hold you, but you slipped right through my fingers. I couldn’t hold you, Willa. I don’t think anyone could, especially not the person you resented the most.”

  His words shocked me. I didn’t resent him, at least not before Estelle. “What are you talking about?”

  “Willa, when was the last time we made love. Not had sex, but actually made love?”

  “Men don’t care about those things.”

  “Bullshit. We do care. When is the last time you wanted me? When was the last time you kissed me because you wanted to, not because you were trying to get pregnant?”

  I gaped at him.

  “You were so concerned with making a baby, that you forgot I was even there. We were living separate lives. We didn’t talk. We didn’t laugh together or eat together. How was I supposed to hold you when you were unreachable? I knew you weren’t okay. You haven’t been for years.”

  “So, you gave up? You just turned around and found someone else without even trying to talk to me?”

  “I did try!” he huffed.

  “When did you try? What did you do?”

  “I would sit next to you when you were reading.”

  I remembered that. I was annoyed because it felt like he was hovering. “You never said anything?” I complained.

  “Because you never even looked up.”

  “Because you didn’t ever say anything. Just like you didn’t look at me when I would sit next to you while you watched football.”

  “You never made time for me,” he said.

  “So, you go fuck someone else who will give you the time of day?”

  “Yeah!”

  I slapped him again. “Fuck you!”

  He grabbed my wrist as I lifted my hand to swing again. “Willa, why are you upset with me?”

  He angled his body away from me as if sensing I was going to knee him in the balls.

  He continued, “Do you even miss me. Not the idea of me. But me?” He shakes his head, not giving me room to speak. “No. I don’t think you do. I think you might miss the comfortable routine, but I think the reason you’re upset is that you’re afraid without me, you may never have children. You blame me for your unhappiness, but I’m not the reason you’re so unhappy.” There was a lull of silence between us. “Would you have been this upset if I had sent you a wedding invitation?”

  No. But I wouldn’t say that aloud.

  “You don’t want me,” He continued, “You only want the part of me that can give you what you really want—a family. You don’t love me, and I know I failed you, Willa, but you made it so hard to love you. You pushed me away every chance you could. You had more of a relationship with that damn dog than you had with me.”

  Maybe he was right. Perhaps he couldn’t hold me. In all honesty, I couldn’t even hold myself, but he still hurt me. “Speaking of the dog,” I started. “When Bella was a puppy, she woke me in the middle of the night to take her out and there you were, sitting on the back patio in the dark talking to Estelle. You were talking about me, Evan. You were telling her private things—things you never even spoke to me about.”

  He paled a little, having the decency to look guilty.

  I went on. “I know I was difficult to love. My heart had shattered into a million pieces, and I didn’t even know how to love myself. You just reinforced the idea that I was unlovable when you told Estelle that I was too selfish to care how you were feeling.”

  He shook his head. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

  “What was I supposed to say? You were supposed to be the one going through the pain with me, but you weren’t sad with me, you were angry that I wasn’t there for you. I wanted you to get angry with me, not at me. I wanted you to be on my side.”

  There was an uncomfortable silence between us, and I finished saying what I had to say. “After I heard you on the phone, I tried to come onto you. To seduce you. To win you back. To show you, I wasn’t selfish. But you pushed me away every single time for the next two weeks. After that I stopped trying because to you, I was not only unlovable, I was undesirable.”

  He rubbed a hand down his face. “It wasn’t you. It’s—I didn’t know how to face you like that.”

  “Like what?”

  “You made me hate myself, Willa. I couldn’t have sex with you because I was afraid you would get your hopes up for a baby. I didn’t want to watch you go through the pain again.”

  “You’re saying you didn’t have sex with me because you were protecting me.”

  “Yes.”

  “And seeing you with Estelle was what? You, shielding me from harm?”

  He let the jab roll off him. “Estelle reminded me of what we used to have.”

  “So instead of fixing what was wrong, you thought you’d just get the newer version?” I asked, breathless, “And you call me selfish?”

  “I’m not saying what I did was right, but it takes two people to fuck up a marriage, Willa, and I really did try.”

  “Please, you couldn’t get away fast enough! I saw the look on your face when I walked in on you. You were relieved.”

  He nodded. “I was. It had to end, and I didn’t know how to leave you. Neither of us was happy. You knew I was cheating, but you never said anything. Not until you had to face it, and even then, you didn’t yell. You didn’t react as a normal spouse would, and that’s because you had already checked out of our marriage. If you need to hate me, that’s okay. Hate me. I don’t know if we could’ve repaired our relationship, but we stopped working together a long time ago.”

  It was over.

  I leaned against the railing of the porch, feeling a sense of calm. “So that’s it, huh? Your grandma would be disappointed in us.”

  “I think a lot of people were disappointed, but they don’t know the intimate details behind the scenes.”

  I sighed, feeling exhausted. I didn’t want to hate him. Hating him took too much energy, and I was so drained.

  “Our house went into contract yesterday,” I told him. “I’m going over in the next week to move things out. Is there anything you want? I found some of your keepsakes in the attic.”

  “And you didn’t burn them?” he asked, half-joking.

  “I was too tired to put that much effort into burning things. I’m putting the furniture in a storage unit until I figure out a more permanent living situation, but I can’t see needing to furnish a whole house so if there is anything you want, please take it.”

  “Would it be too strange if I helped you move?” he asked.

  I nodded. “I’m still really angry at you, so I don’t know if that’s a good idea. Plus, my dad will be there, and he doesn’t have the highest opinion of you right now.”

  He shrugged and said, “There are a few things I want to pick up, but I don’t have a key.”

  “Okay, I’ll let you know when I’m there this week.” I turned and walked down the steps.

  “Willa,” he called.

  I turned back to him.

  “I’m glad you didn’t hold back. I think this is the first real conversation we’v
e had in years.”

  I stared at him while I took that in, then confessed, “I broke our plates.”

  His mouth gaped. “The custom homemade stoneware we picked out?” He sounded so shocked, and I felt vindicated.

  “I always thought it was too much to spend on plates,” I confessed.

  “They were one of a kind,” he said, getting angry. “How did they break?”

  “I was going to sell them but thought it was more therapeutic to smash them against concrete. But, hey, at least I didn’t burn your stuff.”

  He was gawking at me, and God did it feel good to tell the truth.

  I went into marriage thinking death was the only thing that could separate us, and though there were many times I felt I was dying, Evan and I were both still here. I used to be naïve, thinking everyone met their prince charming. I’d learned about love from watching my parents and Disney movies which were equally sweet and sappy. But later, I found out that my parent’s relationship was exceptional, and Disney sugar-coated the Hell out of Grimm’s folklore, turning them into happy tales for children.

  I didn’t need a prince to live my happily whatever may come. I just needed to love myself, and I was learning how.

  I smiled to myself, saying, “I’ll see you in a few days.”

  When I walked away, it was with confidence and not the kind driven by anger which is what led me here, but a confidence borne from a place of acceptance.

  Oliver

  I was in my bedroom removing my tux jacket when I heard someone enter the room. I turned, expecting Addison, but Travis was coming toward me. He socked me under my left eye, and I stumbled back, completely taken off guard.

  “What the fuck!” I shouted as he shoved me.

  “Are you out of your Goddamn mind, Oliver?”

  My cheek was bleeding, and I belatedly realized he was yelling at me over Addison and me splitting up, but I didn’t owe him an explanation. He propelled me toward this decision when he slept with her, and she must have gone straight to him for comfort after we talked because we had only been home for an hour, and we spent half of that time talking.

  I stood upright and stalked toward Travis, throwing my own punches. At that moment, we were no longer buddies. We no longer had to pose in wedding photos. We were rivals beating the shit out of one another.

  Addison came in, screaming at us to stop, but we didn’t, not until we were both in too much pain to continue. We were sprawled out on the floor by the time it was over, both of us with bleeding faces and bruised fists.

  Addison stood in the doorway with her arms crossed. “Did you guys get it out of your system?” She asked, not the least bit impressed or amused.

  Then she turned into Doctor Addison Arthur MD, checking our wounds and telling us how stupid we were.

  I cut her off in the middle of her lecturing me. “When did you know you loved him?”

  “What?” she asked, surprised.

  I turned to Travis, who was sitting on the floor with his back propped against the bed. I asked him, “How long have you been in love with her?”

  He looked exhausted. “I’m so tired of this bullshit,” he said on a sigh. “Oliver, you want to know the truth?”

  “That’s what I’m asking for.”

  “Since we were seventeen, and I had to walk the new girl to her first class where my best friend in the entire world, the one person I could always count on, asked her out. I tried for years to stop thinking about her, but she was always there. We were twenty before we realized we both had feelings for one another. Things spiraled from there.”

  I looked at Addison to confirm Travis was telling the truth and she closed her eyes and nodded.

  “So, for the past eight years, you two have been—”

  “No,” Addison said, “We haven’t been together since before our engagement.”

  Travis supplied, “When you told me you were going to propose, I knew it had to stop, and the only way for that to work was if we didn’t see each other.”

  “That’s why you took that job in Phoenix?” I asked.

  He nodded.

  I turned to Addison. “If you loved him, why didn’t you break up with me?”

  “Because I loved you too. We had a life together, Oli. I was really happy with you, but Travis had me all tied up when he was around. What I felt for Travis was separate from my feelings for you. I love you both.”

  “We’ve been engaged for almost two years, so that still means it was going on for six years.”

  “It’s not like we were fucking like rabbits,” Travis interjected, “It only happened when we couldn’t keep it from happening.”

  “What does that mean? Oops, I tripped, and my penis slipped into your vagina again. I guess we just keep rubbing together until it’s all better.”

  “You’re the one who asked for the truth,” Travis said.

  “I’m still asking. What do you mean you couldn’t keep it from happening?”

  “Come on,” Travis said. “Haven’t you had a moment where it was physically painful not to touch someone. And it doesn’t matter how close you get because it will never be enough, and you just lose control.”

  I had felt that way, but only recently and it wasn’t with Addison.

  I must have made a face, because Travis said, “See, you have.”

  “It was the woman from the hotel,” Addison said.

  I didn’t want to hurt her, but we needed to clear the air even if it was excruciating. “Her name is Willa. She doesn’t trust many people, and in an effort to become friends, we promised we would only tell each other the truth, even if it was ugly, even if it made us look bad.”

  “Are you asking if I want the ugly truth?” Addison asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Yes, Oli, I want the ugly truth.”

  “I think I would’ve been content to stay married to you if I hadn’t met Willa, but she woke this part of me I didn’t even know existed. I didn’t know anything was missing until I felt them with her. I realized I need someone who will argue with me.

  “I love you, Addison, but I got so wrapped up in fitting myself into your plan for the future, that I forgot how to live my own life. I wish I could go back in time a change that. I obviously haven’t been tuned into what’s happening around me, or I think I would’ve at least had some suspicion of you two.”

  “Are you going to go after her?” Addison asked me.

  “I think I’d have a better chance at regaining her trust once you and I are no longer married. But even then, I don’t know where she lives. I don’t even have her last name. I know her ex-husband’s full name.”

  They were both giving me strange looks, and Travis said, “I thought you guys were totally honest with each other.”

  “We were, but we shared meaningful things, not our profile information. Actually, that’s not true. She has all of my information, but I don’t see her reaching out anytime soon.”

  Willa

  Boxes were packed and lined against the entry wall. My dad and his friend were loading the moving van while I stood in the dining room, looking at the last of the furniture.

  The last week of packing and moving had been emotionally exhausting. Evan and I went through our things which was tough because a good portion of the items were neither his nor mine. They belonged to Mr. and Mrs. Durban, but that couple no longer existed. Separating our things was like opening old memories only to watch them burn to ash, all the while pretending it didn’t feel like a cheese grater to the heart. I didn’t want to be reminded of happy times with Evan, because it made me remember our love.

  Separating Mrs. Durban from Willa felt almost like I was tearing my left side from my right and letting all the messy insides spill out all over the floor. That’s what the last week had been. But I had made it through. I was Willa again, and I was scooping up my blood and guts to sew myself back together.

  I was so happy that Jodi’s friendship wasn’t contingent on my last name. I didn’t know how
I would have gone through this last year without her or my parents. I didn’t need Evan or Oliver.

  Shit.

  “What’s that look?” Jodi asked as she entered the room.

  “This has been a long few weeks.”

  “You’re almost done. Everything will feel better when you no longer have to deal with Evan. All that’s left is the furniture you’re selling. One more week and you’ll be able to relax into your new life, and you still have almost two more months of summer break. Maybe we can go away for a weekend sometime. I’ll start working on husband now.”

  “That sounds amazing! Do you think James will be okay staying home with the kids?”

  “Well he’s gonna have to be okay with it.”

  I smiled. I needed something to look forward to, and a girl’s getaway was just the kind of thing I needed.

  Evan and I had split up the furniture we wanted and the leftovers we moved into the dining room, so I could take pictures and post them for sale online.

  Jodi had the whole day off from her kids so she could help me move. I found a cute little cape cod house in town that a retired couple was renting out. It was perfect with a big backyard for Bella to run. It was close to the school where I taught, it was a ten-minute drive to my parent’s house, and Jodi lived only a block away.

  The house had two bedrooms, but one was relatively small, so I planned to use it as an office. The master bedroom was the entire upstairs, and I loved the idea that it was all mine. I planned to make it as feminine as possible, with fake fur, sparkles and so much pink that even I would second guess my choice. Okay, so maybe I wouldn’t take it that far, but it felt good to have a place that was all mine. My new house was going to help me heal and figure out what came next.

  Jodi wrapped her arm around my shoulder, saying, “You know I’m going to be at your house all the time. I’ll put the kids in bed, and James can deal with them while I come over and have a bottle of wine.

  “You think we’ll go through a whole bottle?” I asked because opposed to the way I’d behaved my week at the hotel, I wasn’t much of a drinker.