Shame

by Rachel Van Dyken

  We shared a look. Lisa burst out laughing and covered her face with her hands. “Okay fine. Up it is.”

  “Now I’m kind of in the mood for Dumbo.”

  Her eyes heated. “Sad, I thought you were going to say something else.”

  My body hummed to life as I hovered over her chair. “Oh yeah, what’s that?”

  She leaned up and kissed my chin. I stifled a groan. “Butter… smothered over popcorn.”

  “Say smother again.”

  “Smother.”

  “Done.” I pressed a kiss to her mouth. “You load the DVD of your choice…” I tossed her both movies. “…and I’ll go smother your popcorn.”

  “Talk dirty.”

  Laughing, I made my way out of the room thinking to myself how normal it was… not just normal, but how wonderful it was.

  My phone buzzed in my pocket.

  Erica. Again.

  I hit ignore.

  If she wasn’t getting the hint now… she never would. As I waited for the popcorn to finish, I had a sudden feeling of home. What if I stayed? What if I ran the company from the Seattle office? What if I stayed… for her? What if I stayed?

  I wanted to.

  For as long as she wanted me, I would stay.

  Dread tried to make me doubt that choice because there would always be him in between us. But I wasn’t going to let it ruin what could be something so beautiful.

  He’d ruined her before, and I’d be damned if he ruined her again.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

  I didn’t watch the news for fear I’d be on it. The crazy thing? Nobody called me. The cops didn’t contact me; nobody did. It was as if that past didn’t exist. When I got to Seattle, I had my parents’ lawyers work on taking the website down. In the end, it was nearly impossible to get all the videos down. I was surprised the website was even still up, but later we found out it had changed domains to outside the US. I remember shivering, thinking, wow, Taylor really did have it all planned, didn’t he? His memory lived on through Shame; it lived on every day through me, and I hated him for it —Mel

  Lisa

  COLORS AND CHARACTERS flashed across the screen as the movie played. My eyes were so heavy it was impossible to keep them open long enough to actually watch what was going on. I startled myself out of a doze probably four times before I finally gave in and snuggled against Tristan’s firm chest. The steady beat of his heart was my lullaby. His hand dipped into my hair, twisting and tugging, making me relax even further. Before I knew what was happening, I was asleep.

  He woke me up around two in the morning; the only reason I knew was because of the clock on the wall.

  “I don’t want to move,” I grumbled.

  Tristan shifted next to me and then pulled me tighter into his lap. “Then stay.”

  “Ask me again.”

  “Stay, Lisa…” He kissed my forehead. “…with me.”

  I sighed happily against him and murmured, “I really like you.”

  “Yeah, well… I really like you too.”

  “Should we make necklaces or something? I can wear your tight-ass professor jacket to school… prove to everyone we’re going steady”

  Tristan’s warm chuckle had me smiling. I kept my eyes closed. “It would only make sense.”

  “Does that mean you’re going to label us?”

  “Yeah.” Tristan tucked my hair behind my ear and kissed my cheek. “I think I’ll type in the word girlfriend and slap it onto your face. That way, there’s no confusion.”

  “Better put whose girlfriend.”

  “That’s easy…” He hugged me tighter. “Mine.”

  “Yours.” I smiled again. “I like the sound of that.”

  “Yeah, that makes two of us.”

  I fell asleep after that, unable to keep my eyes open any longer. The next morning we barely had time to scarf down breakfast before Tristan drove me back to campus.

  He gave me a hungry kiss before ushering me out of the car; both of us had meetings, though mine I wasn’t exactly thrilled to be having.

  “So…” Jack’s voice nearly had me tripping over my own feet as I reached my dorm. I turned around and squinted against the sun. “Is it just me, or is our professor taking a really special interest in you?”

  “It’s you.” I rolled my eyes. “I have to grab a few things. Why are you so early all the time?”

  “Part of my charm.” He grinned. “Can I come up with you? Sorry, I just really have a headache, and the damn Seattle sun is killing my eyes. Promise I won’t make a sound. I just want to lie on your couch and forget the fact that I actually don’t need my umbrella today.”

  I hesitated for a minute then realized I was being rude. “Um, sure.”

  “Awesome.”

  We walked in silence up the stairs and into my room. I pointed to the couch and dropped my keys onto the table. Jack went over and made himself at home, punching the throw pillow and closing his eyes like he really didn’t feel well.

  “Do you need ibuprofen or anything?”

  “Is it laced with opiates?”

  “Um, no.”

  “Then I’m good.” Jack flashed me a smile and closed his eyes.

  “Okay, well, I’m just going to hop into the shower really quick, and then I’ll be ready.”

  He lifted his hand into the air, waving me off. “Take your time.”

  I grabbed my bathrobe and ran into the bathroom. It was weird that he was in my room, but I tried not to overthink it. He’d been nothing but nice and protective, and it was totally wrong for me to assume that he was anything but a good guy.

  I showered, dressed, brushed my teeth, ran my hands through my messy hair, put on a baseball cap, and managed to swipe on some mascara — all within fifteen minutes.

  “Lisa?” Jack’s muffled voice came from the main room.

  I shut my bedroom door and ran out. “What’s up?”

  Jack was completely white, like he’d seen a ghost. “I’m not trying to freak you out more, and I’m pretty thankful I’m here right now, all things considering, but I think you should look at this.” He held up a newspaper clipping. Angry red markings had been scribbled across it: Your fault!

  I read the caption, “Young man jumps off bridge, falls to his death.”

  Feeling sick, I took a step back and covered my mouth so I wouldn’t puke all over the place. My stomach dropped to my knees.

  “Hey, hey,” Jack came around and draped his arm over my shoulders then guided me to the couch. “Sit down, it’s okay. It’s going to be fine.”

  “Where…” I croaked. “Where was that?”

  “Taped to the inside of your door.”

  “Inside of my door?”

  “Yeah.” Jack nodded. “I didn’t notice it until I looked up from my nap. Whoever put it there...” His voice trailed off.

  “I have to move.” I shook my head. “I mean, my place has been broken into, the hate mail... I have to move.”

  “Probably not the worst idea I’ve heard all day.” Jack gave an innocent and semi goofy shrug. “You want to go report it?”

  “No.” I put my hand on his. “No, that’s fine. I’ll take care of it.” More like, I’d have Gabe take care of it. I was going to give it to him — all the threats, all the notes. I was sick of dealing with it. All of it. I was finally happy, and I deserved to be happy. Tristan had taught me that.

  Jack gave my hand a reassuring squeeze. “Then, at least let me buy you a coffee while we go over the project. I promise we don’t have to get all crazy with our plans, but let’s get out of here, because it’s kind of creeping me out.”

  I nodded my head a few times before getting up. When I did, Jack put a protective arm around me and led me to the door.

  “I would say to lock it but—” He shrugged. “—a lot of good it’s been doing you.”

  “That’s reassuring.”

  “Just saying.”

  By the time we made it down to the coffee shop, I was in a better m
ood, probably because Jack had somehow managed to turn my fear into hysterics with his crazy stories and antics. I felt guilty all over again for being so suspicious. Especially after he’d bought me another coffee and made me eat a pastry.

  “So…” said Jack, pulling out his notebook. “…we’re supposed to find case studies. The prof, you know the one you’ve been riding in that car with…”

  I rolled my eyes.

  “…he gave us about a billion different links to stories. We just have to click on the emotion and boom, pick out five.”

  “Do you have your computer?” I asked.

  “No.” He shrugged. “I left it at my place, but I can always stop by tonight and go over them with you. It will seriously only take us like ten minutes or so.”

  “Okay.” I took a sip of coffee. “That’s fine, but make it around five, because I think I may have plans.”

  Jack grinned. “Would these plans start with a P?”

  “Huh?”

  “Never mind.” He saluted me. “Five it is. Now run along to class. We both know how the professor gives good grades to those who are early.”

  “Right.” I laughed along with him and grabbed my stuff.

  I took the usual route to class, stopping at my mailbox since I had around twenty minutes before I needed to be there. I braced myself for impact and shuddered when I had one piece of mail.

  It wasn’t addressed to Lisa.

  It was addressed to Melanie Faye.

  I swallowed the fear in my throat and closed my eyes. Tristan had said to take control. With a grimace, I opened the envelope and pulled out a slip of paper. All it said was. Ding-ding… your time is up.

  With a curse, I pulled out my phone and texted Gabe. I grabbed the other notes out of my backpack, stuffed all of them in a large manila envelope, and left it at the post for him to pick up.

  The minute the student worker took it from my hands, I felt lighter. I was done. I was so done. For the first time in weeks I felt a smile grow on my face as I thought about going to class. I wasn’t Melanie Faye anymore. I was Lisa. Lisa was strong. Lisa was independent. Lisa didn’t get scared when threatened. She didn’t back down.

  Lisa drove fast.

  Lisa liked cheeseburgers.

  Lisa liked Tristan.

  And Lisa… was here to stay.

  CHAPTER FORTY

  The minute I came to Seattle, I told Gabe I’d changed my name… well, I hadn’t really changed it. My name had always been Lisa, but at a young age, my agency had told my parents to give me a stage name, something about protecting my identity and all that, so they did. And I was so grateful they had done that for me, because now I could go back to being normal Lisa, not Mel, the girl with the dark past and sinful secrets. —Lisa

  Tristan

  I HATED HOW close Jack hovered to her. Then again, if I wasn’t teaching the damn class, I’d probably be doing the same thing. The quiz went by slowly. The clock ticked in the background, and the journal in my bag may as well have been screaming at me.

  I’d finished it.

  And I was more resolute in my decision than ever that they were the ramblings of a seriously insane individual. I just wasn’t sure if that made me feel better or worse.

  Better because that meant that Lisa was innocent.

  Worse, because by omitting my true identity, I was allowing her to live another lie. But if it was to protect her? Then I would keep lying — I had to.

  “Pencils down.” I stood. “Pass your papers to the left and leave them on the farthest desk. Grades will be posted this Friday. Dismissed.”

  Students filed out.

  Jack lingered.

  I gave him a pointed stare. Smirking, he lifted his hands in surrender and walked out, leaving just me and Lisa.

  “That wasn’t obvious at all,” she said in a reassured voice. “Really, I think it went right over his head.”

  I shrugged. “It’s Jack.”

  “True.”

  “How was your meeting?”

  “How was yours?”

  “You first.”

  She slumped in her seat. “Well, I did get another threat, but,” she said quickly, “you’d be proud to know that I handed all pieces of evidence over to Gabe, and I made a big decision today.”

  “What’s that?” I slowly made my way to her desk and sat on the top.

  At her grin, my heart almost stopped. Damn, she was beautiful.

  “He doesn’t have the right to control me anymore. So, whoever’s sending me that crap is going to burn in hell or prison, whatever happens soonest. Gabe will turn it over to the police. I’ll make a statement, even though it’s the last thing I want to do, and things will go back to being boring.”

  I put a hand to my chest. “Ouch! Are you calling me boring?”

  “I really, really like boring.”

  “Because that makes it better.”

  Lisa stood and leaned in just as a throat cleared from the door way. Jack stood there, holding up his notebook. “Lisa? Sorry to interrupt, Dr. Blake, but I think I accidently stole her notebook, same color and all.”

  Lisa blushed and quickly grabbed a notebook from her desk and ran it over to him.

  “Thanks.” He took it from her hands and sent me a curious look. “See you tonight, then?”

  I clenched the desk tightly.

  “Sure,” Lisa squeaked. “Tonight.”

  Jack closed the door behind him.

  I waited for Lisa to say something.

  When she didn’t, I walked past her, locked the door, crossed my arms, and asked, “Tonight?”

  Lisa cross her arms mimicking me. “Jealous?”

  “Let’s call it mild curiosity.”

  “Or insane jealousy.”

  “A twinge of jealousy. Can hardly even define it as jealousy if it’s a twinge, right?”

  “Does that make you feel better?”

  “Immensely.”

  “Homework.” Lisa gripped my hand. “He’s stopping by for a few minutes to go over some homework from this really sexy professor.”

  “Okay, now I’m jealous. You better be talking about me.”

  “And if I’m not?”

  “Then I’m clearly not wearing the right clothes to show off that tight ass you’re always talking about.”

  Lisa burst out laughing and reached up on her tiptoes to place a kiss on my chin. “I think my other professor has gout.”

  “Sexy.”

  Lisa kissed my mouth, her tongue slowly dipping between my lips, touching mine with languid smoothness.

  I groaned and pushed her against the door, pinning her arms above her head.

  “And after?”

  “Wh-what?” Out of breath, she panted beneath my assault as I trailed kisses down her neck.

  “After you meet with him?”

  “I have a private tutoring session with you?”

  “Damn right you do.” I kissed her harder. All the passion I felt inside was going to explode if I didn’t do something about it. I wanted her so bad it hurt. It hurt to control myself, and I hated that I had to. Hated that she needed me to.

  “Mmm...” She rimmed her lips with her tongue when I pulled away. “That felt good.”

  “Go to class.” My voice cracked. “Before I throw you across my desk and take advantage of you.”

  She winked. “At least I’d earn an A.”

  “You’d earn way more than an A.” Visions of her body underneath mine plagued my thoughts. Cursing softly, I turned away. “Yeah, you really need to go. I’ll see you tonight?”

  “Six?”

  I still didn’t turn back around since I was trying to hide a very physical and obvious reaction to my little image of her on my desk naked. “Yup.”

  “Thanks, Dr. Blake.” Her voice was low, sultry.

  I cursed again as her laughter floated out of the room.

  CHAPTER FORTY-ONE

  Finally things were normal my freshman year… I’d met Kiersten and Wes, and things f
elt… happy. So happy that I should have known the other chips would fall. Soon Gabe’s secret was out… and then, mine was too. —Lisa

  Lisa

  FOR THE SECOND day in a row, I skipped back to my dorm. Not surprising, I found both Wes and Gabe waiting for me again when I got to my room.

  “Wow!” I shook my head. “Should I just let you guys move in? And where are Kiersten and Saylor? Do they know how much you check up on me? Because I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t approve of all the babysitting.” I was tempted to text Kiersten or Saylor but knew both of them were super stressed since they’d taken on so many credits to graduate early.

  Gabe gave me that look, the one that said he was seriously pissed, while Wes just paced. It seemed, most of the time, Gabe was ready to attack, and Wes was there to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid.

  “Thirty,” Gabe said, tossing the threats onto the table. “How the hell do you have thirty threats without me knowing?”

  Feeling slightly guilty, I sat down next to him and stared at all the different pieces of paper; they varied in size and color, not one of them the same. The angry black block letters were always present, though. “You just got married, Gabe. I’m not going to slam you with all this after you just got over Princess’s death and moving in with Saylor and — it’s just a lot!”

  “And me?” came Wes’s stern voice. “Why not me?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Because I think dealing with cancer and playing for a professional football team should be enough stress to last you a lifetime, not to mention you have a wife too.”

  Neither seemed convinced.

  In fact, it was like the more I talked the angrier their expressions became.

  “Sorry?” I finally offered.

  “Damn right, you’re sorry.” Gabe groaned into his hands. “How can I protect you if I don’t know these things?”

  “It’s not your job.”

  “It is,” Gabe said loudly. “It is my job. I’m your family, Lisa. Me and Wes, we’re not going anywhere, and if there’s one thing I learned last year, it’s that you can’t just carry everything yourself and hope it doesn’t kill you. It will kill you. I think you know I know this. Now, we have a plan.”