Yollop

by George Barr McCutcheon

  "Some one at the door," the burglar announced, after a moment. Mr.Yollop had failed to hear the tapping.

  "You can't fool me, Cassius. It's an old trick but it won't work.I've seen it done on the stage too many times to be caught nappingby,--"

  "There it goes again. Louder, please!" he called with considerablevehemence and was rewarded by a scarcely audible tapping indicativenot only of timidity but of alarm as well--"Say," he bawled,"you'll have to cut out that spirit rapping if you want to come in.Use your night-stick!"

  "Ah, the police at last," cried Mr. Yollop. "You'd better take thisrevolver now, Mr. Smilk," he added hastily. "I won't want 'em tocatch me with a weapon in my possession. It means a heavy fine orimprisonment." He shoved the pistol across the desk. "They wouldn'tbelieve me if I said it was yours."

  A sharp, penetrating rat-a-tat on the door. Mr. Smilk picked up therevolver.

  "You bet they wouldn't," said he. "If I swore on a stack of bibles Ilet a boob like you take it away from me, they'd send me toMatteawan, and God knows,--"

  "Come in!" called out Mr. Yollop.

  The door opened and a plump, dumpy lady in a pink peignoir, herfront hair done up in curl-papers stood revealed on the thresholdblinking in the strong light.

  "Goodness gracious, Crittenden," she cried irritably, "don't youknow what time of night it--"

  She broke off abruptly as Mr. Smilk, with a great clatter, yankedhis remaining foot from the drawer and arose, overturning theswivel-chair in his haste.

  "Well, for the love of--" oozed from his gaping mouth. Suddenly heturned his face away and hunched one shoulder up as a sort ofshield.

  "It's long past three o'clock," went on the newcomer severely. "I'msorry to interrupt a conference but I do think you might arrange foran appointment during the day, sir. My brother has not been well andif ever a man needed sleep and rest and regular hours, he does.Crittenden, I wish you--"

  "Cassius," interrupted Mr. Yollop urbanely, "this is my sister, Mrs.Champney. I want you to repeat--Turn around here, can't you? What'sthe matter with you?"

  "Don't order me around like that," muttered Mr. Smilk, still withhis face averted. "I've got the gun now and I'll do as I damn'please. You can't talk to me like--"

  "Goodness! Who is this man?" cried the lady, stopping short toregard the blasphemer with shocked, disapproving eyes. "And what ishe doing with a revolver in his hand?"

  "Give me that pistol,--at once," commanded Mr. Yollop. "Hand itover!"

  "Not on your life," cried Mr. Smilk triumphantly. He faced Mrs.Champney. "Take off them rings, you. Put 'em here on the desk.Lively, now! And don't yelp! Do you get me? DON'T YELP!"

  Mrs. Champney stared unblinkingly, speechless.

  "Put up your hands, Yollop!" ordered Mr. Smilk.

  "Why,--why, it's Ernest,--Ernest Wilson," she gasped, incredulously.Then, with a little squeak of relief: "Don't pay any attention tohim, Crittenden. He is a friend of mine. Don't you remember me,Ernest? I am--"

  "You bet your life I remember you," said the burglar softly, almostpurringly.

  "Ernest your grandmother," cried Mr. Yollop jerking the disk firstone way and then the other in order to catch the flitting duologue."His name is Smilk,--Cassius Smilk."

  "Nothing of the sort," said Mrs. Champney sharply. "It's ErnestWilson,--isn't it, Ernest?"

  "Take off them rings," was the answer she got.

  "What is this man doing here, Crittenden?" demanded Mrs. Champney,paying no heed to Smilk's command.

  "He's a burglar," replied Mr. Yollop. "I guess you'd better take offyour rings, Alice."

  "Do you mean to tell me, Ernest Wilson, that you've gone back toyour evil ways after all I,--"

  "I say, Cassius," cried Mr. Yollop, "is this the woman you wanted tobind and gag and--and--"

  "Yes, and rap over the bean," finished Mr. Smilk, as the speakerconsiderately refrained.

  "Rap over the--what?" inquired Mrs. Champney, squinting.

  "The bean," said Mr. Smilk, with emphasis.

  "I can't imagine what has come over you, Ernest. You were such anice, quiet, model prisoner,--one of the most promising I ever hadanything to do with. The authorities assured me that you--do youmean to tell me that you entered this apartment for the purpose ofrobbing it? Don't answer! I don't want to hear your voice again. Youhave given me the greatest disappointment of my life. I trusted you,Ernest,--I had faith in you,--and--and now I find you here in myown brother's apartment, of all places in the world, still pursuingyour-"

  "Well, you went and moved away on me," broke in Smilk wrathfully.

  "That's right, Alice," added Mr. Yollop. "You went and moved on him.He told me that just before you came in."

  "You may as well understand right now, Ernest Wilson, that I shallnever intercede for you again," said Mrs. Champney sternly. "I shalllet you rot in prison. I am through with you. You don't deserve--"

  "Are you goin' to take off them rings, or have I got to--"

  "Would you rob your benefactress?" demanded the lady.

  "Every time I think of all that you robbed me of, I--I--" began Mr.Smilk, shakily.

  "Don't blubber, Cassius," said Mr. Yollop consolingly. "You see, mydear Alice, Mr. Smilk thinks,--and maintains,--that you did him adirty trick when you had him turned out into a wicked, dishonestworld. He was living on the fat of the land up there in Sing Sing,seeing motion pictures and plays and so forth, without a worry inthe world, with union hours and union pay, no one depending--"

  "What nonsense are you talking? How could he have union pay in apenitentiary, Crittenden?"

  "Don't interrupt me, please. However, I will explain that he wasjust as well-off at the end of the week as any union laborer is, andno street car fare to pay besides. Free food, fuel, lodging,divorce, music--"

  "I forgot to mention baseball," interrupted Mr. Smilk. "And once inawhile an electrocution to break the monotony, to say nothin' of ajail-break every now and then. Say, you'll have to get a move on,Mrs. Champney,--God, will I ever forget that name!--'cause we'reexpectin' the police here before long. I've changed my mind abouthavin' you hold your hands up, Mr. Yollop. You made me telephone forthe police to come around and arrest me. Now I'm goin' to make youbind and gag this lady. I can't very well do it myself and keep youcovered at the same time, and while I ought to give you a wollop onthe jaw, same as you done to me, I ain't goin' to do it. You canscream if you want to, ma'am,--yell 'bloody murder', and 'police',and everything. It's all the same to me. Go ahead and--"

  "It is not my intention to do anything of the kind," announced thelady haughtily. "But I want to tell you one thing, CrittendenYollop. If you attempt to gag and bind me, I'll bite and scratch,even if you are my own brother."

  Mr. Yollop pondered. "I think, Cassius, if you don't mind, I'drather you'd hit me a good sound wollop on the jaw."

  "I'll tell you what I'll do," modified Mr. Smilk. "I'll lock you inthat closet over there, Mr. Yollop, so's you won't have to watch merap her over the bean. After I've gone through the apartment,I'll--"

  "Would you strike a woman, Ernest Wilson?" cried Mrs. Champney.

  "See here, Smilk," said Mr. Yollop, "I cannot allow you to strike mysister. If you so much as lay a finger on her, I'll thrash youwithin an inch of your life."

  "Oh, you will, will you?" sneered Mr. Smilk.

  "If you want to go ahead and rob this apartment in a decent, orderlyway, all well and good. My sister and I will personally conduct youthrough,--"

  "We will do nothing of the kind," blazed Mrs. Champney.

  "I'd like to see you try to thrash me within an inch--"

  "And, what's more," went on the lady, "I will see that you go up fortwenty years, Ernest Wilson, you degraded, ungrateful wretch."

  Smilk's face brightened. He even allowed himself a foxy grin.

  "Now you're beginnin' to talk sense," said he.

  "Sit down, Ernest, and let me talk quietly to you," said Mrs.Champney. "I'm sure you don't quite realize what you are doing. Youneed moral
support. You are not naturally a bad man. You--"

  "Are you goin' to take them rings off peaceably?" muttered Smilk, ahunted look leaping into his eyes.

  "I am not," said she.

  "Speak a little louder, both of you," complained Mr. Yollop. "Thiscontraption of mine doesn't seem to catch what you are saying."

  "Jiggle it," said Smilk brightly.

  "How long ago did you telephone for the police, Crittenden?"

  "How long ago was it, Cassius?"

  "Only about an hour. We got plenty of time to finish up before theyget here."

  "Do you think it will go harder with you, Cassius, if they find Mrs.Champney bound and gagged and everything scattered about the floor,and the jewelry in your possession?"

  "It might help," said Cassius. "The trouble is, you never can tellwhat a damn' fool jury will do, 'specially to a guy with a recordlike mine."

  "You had a splendid record up at Sing Sing," announced the lady."That's why I had so little trouble--"

  "You don't get me," said Cassius lugubriously. "My record is a badone. I've been paroled twice. That's bound to influence most anyjury against me. Wouldn't surprise me a bit if they recommendedclemency, as the sayin' is, and after all that's been done to keepme out of the pen, the judge is likely to up and give me the minimumsentence. No," he went on, "I guess I'll have to rap somebody overthe bean. I'd sooner it as you, ma'am, on account of the way youforced me into a life of crime when I was leadin' an honest, happy,carefree--"

  "Why, the man's insane, Crittenden,--positively insane. He doesn'tknow what he's--"

  "For God's sake, don't start anything like that," barked Cassius."That would be the LIMIT!"

  "You don't understand, Alice," said Mr. Yollop kindly. "The poorfellow merely wants to have the law enforced. He says it's a crimethe way the law is being violated these days. Or words to thateffect, eh, Cassius?"

  "Yes, sir. There are more honest, law-abidin' men up in Sing Singright at this minute than there are in the whole city of New York.Or words to that effect, as you say, Mr. Yollop. The surest andquickest way to make an honest man of a crook is to send him to thepen. I don't know as I've ever heard of a robbery, or a holdup, oranything like that up there."

  "The way he rambles, Crittenden, is proof--"

  "It would be just like her to go on the stand and swear I'm batty,"snarled Cassius. "I got to do something about it, Mr. Yollop. She'sgoin' to interfere with the law again, sure as God made littleapples. I can see it comin'. I'm goin' to count three, ma'am. If youdon't let Mr. Yollop start to tyin' you up with that muffler of hishangin' over there in the closet by the time I've said three, I'mgoin' to shoot him. I hate to do it, 'cause he's a fine feller anddon't deserve to be shot on account of any darn' fool woman."

  "I suppose you know the law provides a very unpleasant penalty formurder," said Mrs. Champney, but her voice quavered disloyally.

  "One!" began Cassius ominously.

  "Do you really mean it?" she cried, and glanced frantically over hershoulder at the open closet door.

  "Two," replied Cassius.

  "Count slowly," implored Mr. Yollop.

  "You--you may tie my hands, Critt--Crittenden,--" chattered thelady.

  "You mustn't bite or scratch him," warned Cassius.

  Sixty seconds later, Mrs. Champney stood before the burglar, herwrists securely bound behind her back.

  "Will you gag her, or must I?" demanded Cassius.

  "I will give you my word of honor not to scream," faltered thecrumpling lady.

  "It ain't the screamin' I object to," said Smilk. "It's the talkin'.You've done too much talkin' already, ma'am. If you hadn't talked somuch I wouldn't be here tonight."

  "Have you a hanky, Cassius?" inquired Mr. Yollop.

  "I refuse to have that disgusting wretch's filthy handkerchiefstuffed into my mouth," cried Mrs. Champney, with spirit. Mr. Yollopchuckled. "Good gracious, Crittenden, what is there to laugh at?"

  "I was thinking of your roll of bills, Cassius," said Mr. Yollop.

  "Not on your life," said Cassius, who evidently had had the samethought. "She'd swaller it."

  "I suppose we'd better repair to your room, Alice, where we canobtain the necessary articles. Mr. Smilk will naturally want toransack your room anyhow, so we 'll be saving quite a bit of time.And the police are likely to be here any minute now."

  "You forgot to take your rings off, ma'am," reminded Mr. Smilk."That's got to be attended to, first of all. Take 'em off, Mr.Yollop, and put 'em here on the desk." A moment later he dropped thethree costly rings into his coat pocket. "Now," said he, "lead theway. I'll be right behind you with the gun. No monkey business,now,--remember that."

  It was not long before Mrs. Champney, properly gagged, found herselflashed to a rocking-chair in the charming little bed chamber,occupying, so to speak, a select position from which to observe thehasty but skillful operations of her recalcitrant beneficiary. Shewatched him empty her innovation trunk, the drawers in her bureau,and the closet in which her choicest gowns were hanging. He did itvery thoroughly. The floor was strewn with lingerie, hats, shoes,slippers, gloves, stockings, furs, frocks,--over which he trod withprofessional disdain; he broke open her smart little jewel case andtook therefrom a glittering assortment of rings, bracelets, andearrings; a horseshoe pin, a gorgeous crescent, and a string ofpearls; a platinum and diamond wrist watch, an acorn watch, adiamond collar, several bars of diamonds, rubies and emeralds, andodds and ends of feminine vanity all without so much as pausing toclassify them beyond the mere word "junk". All of this dazzlingfortune he stuffed carelessly into his pocket.

  During the proceedings, Mr. Yollop stood obediently over against thewall, his hands aloft, his back towards the rummaging Cassius.

  "What's in that room over there?" demanded the burglar, pointing toa closed door. For obvious reasons there was no response. He scowledfor a second or two and then, striding over to Mr. Yollop, seizedhim by the shoulder and turned him about-face. Then he repeated thequestion.

  "That's the room where my niece sleeps. A little ten year old child,Cassius. You will oblige me by not disturbing--"

  "Is her hair bobbed?" broke in Mr. Smilk.

  "Certainly not. She wears it long. Beautiful golden tresses, Smilk.Particularly beautiful when she's asleep, spreading out all over thepillow like a silken--" An audible, muffled, groan came from theoccupant of the rocking-chair heard only by Mr. Smilk. His gaze wentfirst to the purpling face of Mrs. Champney, then to the door, thenback to the lady again.

  "For your sake, Mr. Yollop, I won't clip it," he announced. "I knowI'd ought to, but--Well, I guess it's about time we went back to thelibrary again. The cops will be along in a couple of minutes now,according to my calculations. I can tell almost to a minute how longit takes them to get around to where a burglary has been committed.If you'll tell me where you think your slippers are we'll stop andget 'em on the way."

  Leaving Mrs. Champney seated alone and helpless in the midst of theconfusion, Smilk marched Mr. Yollop to his bedroom and then up thehall to the scene of the first encounter.

  "It seems sort of a pity not to get away with all this stuff," saidthe burglar, rattling the objects in his pocket. "It ain'tprofessional. I'm beginnin' to change my mind about bein' arrested,Mr. Yollop: I know a girl that would be tickled to death to havethese things to splash around in. She's a peach of a--say, I believeI'll use your telephone again. I'll call her up and see how shefeels about it. If she says she'd like to have 'em, I'll make mygetaway before the cops--"

  "You will find the telephone directory hanging on the end of thedesk, Cassius," said Mr. Yollop graciously. He was seated in the bigarm chair again, wriggling his toes delightedly in the cozy, fleecelined bed-room slippers. "But are you not afraid she will be annoyedif you get her out of bed this time o' night? It's after three."

  "I know the number. Yes, she'll be sore at first, but--HelloCentral?" He lowered his voice almost to a whisper, so that Mr.Yollop could not hear. "Give me Plaza 00100. Right
." Turning to Mr.Yollop, he announced as he sank back into the chair comfortably:

  "It's an apartment. We'll probably have quite a long wait. I'vefound it takes some little time to wake the head of the house andget him to the 'phone. And say, he's the darndest grouch I've evertackled. Get's sore as a crab. But we've got him where we want him.He knows darned well if he kicks up a row, she'll quit and his wifecouldn't get anybody in her place for love or money these days. Iwas sayin' only the other night--" Again lowering his voice: "Isthis Plaza 00100? ... I want to speak to Yilga, please." ... Raisinghis voice considerably: "Here, now, cut that out! ... Well, it ISimportant. ... Course, I know what time o' night it is. ... Yes,it's a damned outrage an' all that, but--what? ... All right, I'llhold the wire. Tell her to hustle, will you?"

  "I wish I had shot you, Smilk, when I had the chance," said Mr.Yollop sadly. "This is abominable, atrocious. Getting a man out ofbed at half-past three! It's unspeakable, Smilk!"

  "She's a light sleeper," mused Mr. Smilk aloud, dreamily.

  "What say?"

  "Don't bother me. I'm thinkin'!"

  Mr. Yollop waited a moment. "What are you thinking about, Cassius?"

  Cassius started. "... Eh? I was thinkin' about the last time I hadbreakfast at Mr. Johnson's apartment. It was that terrible coldmorning the first of last week. By gosh, how that girl can cook! Sixfried eggs and--yes? Hello!"

  Plaza 00100: "Yilga's not in yet."

  Smilk, sharply: "What's that?"

  Plaza 00100: "She's out."

  Smilk, sharply: "Out? Come off! You can't put that sort of stuffover me--"

  Plaza 00100: "I tell you she's not in. That's all. And say, don'tcall up this apartment again at--"

  Smilk: "Say, it's nearly four o'clock. She must be in."

  Plaza 00100: "She's not in, I tell you. She went out last eveningwith her young man. One of the other maids stuck her head out of herdoor and told me."

  Smilk, with fallen jaw: "What--what time do you expect her in?"

  Plaza 00100: "I don't know, and I don't give a damn so long as she'shere in time to get break--"

  Smilk, furiously: "Hey, you go back there and bust into her room.Hear what I say? Better take a club or a gun or something--"

  Plaza 00100; "Go to thunder!"

  Smilk, flinching as he jerked the receiver away from his ear: "Lord!I bet he put that telephone out of whack!"

  He sagged a little as he slowly hung up the receiver. For a momenthe stared desolately at Mr. Yollop and then recovering himselfgradually rushed with ever increasing velocity into the most violenthurricane of profanity that ever was centered upon the frailty ofwoman. Running out of expletives he at last subsided into an ominouscalm.

  "For two cents," groaned he, "I'd blow my head off." He gazedhungrily at the revolver.

  "I never dreamed there were so many cuss-words in the world," gaspedMr. Yollop, blinking.

  "There ain't half enough," announced Mr. Smilk, in a far away voice.

  "Put that pistol down!" roared Mr. Yollop. "What are you going todo? Shoot yourself?"

  "It would save an awful lot of trouble," said Mr. Smilk.

  "The deuce it would! My servants would be a week cleaning up afteryou, and you'd probably ruin this Meshed rug. Besides, confound you,the police would think that I shot you. Give me that pistol! Give itto me, I say. You can come in here and rob to your heart's content,but I'm damned if I'll allow you to commit suicide here. That's alittle too thick, Smilk. Why the dickens should you worry about thatinfernal jade? Aren't you going to the penitentiary for fifteen ortwenty years? Aren't you-"

  "You're right,--you're right," broke in Cassius, drawing a deepbreath. "I guess I had a kind of a brainstorm. It was the jewelsthat done it. Funny how a feller gets the feelin' that he just hasto give diamonds and pearls to his girl. It came over me all of asudden. The only things I ever gave that girl was a moleskin coat, asable collar and muff, and a gold mesh bag with seventy-eightdollars and a lace handkerchief in it. For a minute or two I wastempted to give her diamonds and rubies--oh, well, I guess I've hadmy lesson. Never again! Never again, Mr. Yollop. I'm off women fromnow on. Here's the gun. If the police try to hang it on you, I'llswear it's mine. Listen! there's the elevator stoppin' at thisfloor. It's them. Before we let 'em in, I'd like to tell you I'venever had a more interestin' evenin' in my whole life. What's more Inever saw a man like you. You got me guessin'. You're either thegoshdarndest fool livin' or else you're the slickest confidence manoutside of captivity. Which are you? That's what's eatin' me."

  "I'm both," said Mr. Yollop, picking up the revolver.

  "That ain't possible," said Mr. Smilk.

  "Oh, yes, it is. I'm a milliner, Cassius."

  "I know you're a millionaire, but that don't,--"

  "I said milliner."

  "Run a mill of some kind?"

  "No, I make hats for women."

  As the incredulous burglar opened his mouth to say something thebuzzer on the door sounded.

  "They got here just in time," he substituted.

  CHAPTER FOUR