Nobody

by Tiana Laveen

  “Is that, ‘I Don’t Fuck with You’, by Big Sean? Boy! I know you ain’t playin’ that crazy song while we’re having this serious, heartfelt, tender moment chat!” She laughed so hard, the sound vibrated through the phone.

  “Yeah, it’s funny, isn’t it? It wasn’t planned; it just came on. It’s a good cleaning-the-house song. I work better to loud music and fun songs, so to speak.”

  “You have a playlist for cleaning the house? I’ve heard it all now.”

  “Now I do. Made it a few nights ago.”

  “Mmm hmmm.” He could tell she was still laughing, but trying to suppress it. “You’ve been a cleaning machine lately. I’m proud of you about that, too. Anyway, yes, it’s me, Kane. You really haven’t done anything specific to make me think I need to run for the hills. I see you as a friend, or at least told myself that but honestly, those could just be protective measures.”

  “Protective measures? How so? I don’t understand.”

  “Nobody wants to get hurt in these sorts of scenarios, Kane. I’m a thirty-eight-year-old woman who’s spun the wheel of love and more times than not, ended up taking the doozy prize. I like to live and learn from my mistakes, not repeat them. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to shut myself off from the possibility, but I don’t want to dive in with no floaties on either, if you catch my drift. Nice ’nd slow. Nobody in this world is perfect, and I don’t pretend to be. I have concerns, but most of these have nothin’ to do with you, just like I said because let’s be honest: if you didn’t have agoraphobia, you’d probably be married by now with one or two kids.”

  He couldn’t argue with her there.

  “Okay, well, is there something I could do to make you feel more at ease? I’m just trying to get to know you better, Jessica, and I like what I’ve seen so far.”

  “Tell me what you like.”

  “You’re unique. I like that. You’re confident and open-minded. You’re helpful without going overboard. I trust you, too. You’re authentic to your core. You’re just a damn good person. I can feel it. I don’t know what it is, but the very first time I looked into your eyes and you spoke to me, I trusted you just like that.” He snapped his fingers. “You have this… magic. You make people believe they can do stuff they didn’t think they could.” The woman went quiet again; it was becoming a habit. “What’s wrong? Did I say something out of line?”

  “No. You’re the second person today to talk about this magic stuff. Strange. Nonetheless, thank you. I wouldn’t mind getting to know you better, either. I’m up for it. If I’m to be totally honest with you though, there is one concern that leans on you and not me.”

  “What? I make a mean pitcher of iced tea and you might become addicted?”

  She burst out laughing. “That you do! But no, I am concerned that I might just be convenient for you.”

  “Convenient?”

  “Yes, and I don’t even think you’d do such a thing on purpose, you know, see me in that sort of way deliberately, but we’re all human, you know? I walked up to your door and dropped in your hands, so to speak. The timing was right I suppose. What I am saying is, you say it’s not out of loneliness that you’ve found yourself interested in me, but most grown folk in their thirties and beyond eventually want companionship that leads to something more than a one-night stand.”

  “Yeah, and?”

  “You are struggling with a situation that has told you that if you go outside, something bad will happen, just like the night of the accident. It’s deep, it’s layered. I think I could’ve been anyone, as long as I was a woman and single, and you’d possibly feel the same way about them, too.”

  “That’s ridiculous.” He squeezed the sponge real hard. “You’re unique, just like I told you. It could’ve been a lot of people, but it wasn’t. It was you.”

  For several seconds all he could hear was the woman breathing. She finally broke the quiet.

  “I’ve been reading up on agoraphobia, by the way. Fascinating, though I bet you hardly think so.”

  “No, it is fascinating, I’ll give you that. You know, how the human mind can twist and distort stuff is an interesting study. Kind of like how your mind is twisting and distorting stuff too, right now.” He was met with more of the same. Silence. This woman lives in her head far more than I thought. “Why don’t you come on by for just an hour or so tonight so we can talk face to face about this?”

  “Awww, honey, I can’t. I’ve got too much to do.”

  “But it’s Sunday. I thought you were off today?” He ran a soft cloth along the chrome faucet, shining it up.

  “You keeping tabs on me now?” She chuckled. His cheeks warmed at her words. He didn’t think of it that way, but in fact he was. He listened to everything she said and had somehow figured out her schedule. It was then that he recalled that yes, she’d said previously that she typically spends Sunday evenings with her mother.

  “I just pay attention to what you say is all.” He could hear her sigh on the other end. She was thinking again, no doubt, that brain of hers whirling the information around, turning and pounding it into something soft, pretty and easy to swallow.

  “I have to go to my mother’s house tonight and help her. It’s pretty much a routine.” Yup. I do remember that. “She had some health issues awhile back and we usually have dinner together on Sunday nights.”

  His smile slowly faded when he thought about Sunday dinners with his own family.

  “Oh yeah, of course. I understand.”

  “You sound disappointed.”

  “…Do you want me to be?”

  “Disappointed? No. I mean, I’m glad you wanted to spend time with me but I don’t want anyone I care about to feel disappointment… I mean, anyone that I’m concerned about… Lord, I’m tongue-tied!” He smirked and shook his head. “All right, I’ll confess. Yes, I care about you, Kane. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have come over the second time.”

  “Why was that so hard to admit?” He teased, not really waiting for an answer. “You know I like you as more than a friend, Jessica, so we need to talk about this further but I understand you need to see your mother today. I’ll, uh, give you some space though, too. Maybe this is too much, too soon? You just let me know when you’re ready to have a face-to-face.”

  “I’m ready now. Just have things to do today is all. I ain’t scared of you, Kane!” They both laughed at that.

  “Definitely don’t want you to be afraid of me.” More silence stretched between them for a while. “I, uh… I been thinking about trying a new counselor. I don’t think it’ll work, just like it didn’t before, but I’m willing to try.”

  “Look, finding a good therapist is like tryna find a wife or husband. You gotta meet many, vet them and weed through ’em. Not everyone is for everybody. Don’t run at the first few bad dates. Keep trying.”

  “Have you ever seen one?”

  “A wife or husband?”

  “I see you’re in a playful mood.” She giggled. She sounded really cute. “You know what I mean. A therapist? Counselor? Head doctor?”

  “Yeah, I’ve seen therapists before. I’m certain everyone has seen a therapist or two riding down the street or in a store,” she quipped.

  “You know what I mean, Jessica. I’m serious.”

  “Yeah, I know what you mean. If it makes you feel better, yes. I have.”

  “What was the motivation?”

  “I don’t wanna get to lyin’.” She uttered a loud sigh. “So, I’d rather not say right now.”

  He regarded himself in the mirror once more, eyes glossed over like slick ice on a car window. Something odd had just happened… He knew it had to be troublesome yet somehow, they were now connected on a deeper level. There was an evolution occurring between the two of them, one he couldn’t even put into words. Jessica came across as not only independent and strong, but not ashamed of anything in her life – the good, the bad, and the ugly. She held whatever it was that she refused to confess close to her heart
under lock and key. Imprisoned. He had no choice but to be an open closet; his problem was evident all around him, in the form of four walls, night sweats and a scar that reminded him he’d survived something that should’ve snapped his life in two. He only hoped that she’d let him in that heart of hers one day, so he could help her, just like she’d helped him.

  Jessica had done something to him no one else had. She gave without asking for anything in return.

  “I respect that, all right? One day you’ll trust me. One day you’ll open to me, Jessica, and you’ll tell me your secrets, your successes, and everything that created the beautiful woman I’m on the phone with this beautiful morning.”

  “Well, that’s mighty kind of you to say.”

  “It’s not kind. It’s the truth. I’ll let you go now though. Don’t want to hold you up. Thanks for calling me back. Hopefully we can get together again soon.”

  “We will.”

  “Tomorrow I’m going to try to make an appointment somewhere. Hell, I might even call that somewhere today and just leave a message.”

  “I approve of that plan. Wait a minute! I just realized something.”

  “What?”

  “How are you going to see a therapist and you won’t even leave the house?”

  “Well, there are a few solutions. Some help you online, like Skype.”

  “Oh, I see.”

  “Some do it over the phone and others do house calls. Those are the ones that usually specialize in the disorder. I’ve had sessions with all three types in the past. I even tried medication but all it did was make me sleepy and if I’m passed out in bed, the gumption to leave the house is gone. So that defeats the purpose.” He shrugged.

  “Yup! It sure as hell does. Well, cool then. I am going to stay on top of you! You make sure you follow up.”

  “I wish you would stay on top of me…”

  “Now see,” she said with a chuckle, “you’re being bad. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”

  “Sounds like a plan. Have a good day, Jessica.”

  “You, too.” She ended the call.

  Picking up the phone, he pulled up the numbers he’d saved as possible therapists. Selecting one, he dialed.

  “Hi, I know the office is closed right now but I’m leaving a message for Dr. Morgan. My name is Kane Westbrook. I have a… diagnosis of agoraphobia and wanted to try and get treatment for it again. I say again because this is my fifth attempt.” He took a deep breath and forged on. “I’m a little more motivated now, so maybe that’ll help,” he said. “Anyway, I do have health insurance and all that stuff, so I want to get an appointment as soon as possible. My life is on hold and I’m sick ’nd tired of it. Please have her give me a call. I can be reached at (832) 771-2121. Thank you.”

  Putting the phone back down, he returned to cleaning the tub, on his knees as if in prayer. He closed his eyes briefly, braced himself, and began to rinse the cleaning solution out of the tub while mouthing the lyrics to ‘Summer Love,’ by Justin Timberlake…

  CHAPTER TEN

  Denial and Donuts

  “I just wanna know when you gonna get you a husband is all. You act like I ask you this every day.”

  “Mama, there you go again. You ask at least once a month!” Jessica chuckled, but then her smile dissipated. She’d been worried all day. Melissa’s words from their last conversation haunted her; and her talk with Kane, she couldn’t quite shake, either. He was definitely disappointed she wouldn’t talk with him just yet. Perhaps she was using Mama as an excuse? She also knew if he were able, he’d come to see her in a heartbeat. Perhaps one day soon that would change. She took a deep breath, gripping the knife a bit tighter.

  She resumed chopping up the cabbage on the counter by the stove, falling into the groove. Her mother’s salmon and baby blue tiled kitchen failed to cheer her up as it normally did. Mama’s house smelled good and cozy all the time, and the small galley was decorated with a huge number of tiny ceramic knickknacks she’d had since she was a child. Mama also had a coveted assortment of salt and pepper shakers she’d collected over the years. Jessica’s favorite set was a pair of boobs. They seemed so out of Mama’s character to have something like that lying about, but she’d gotten them from a good friend who’d moved to Arizona and recently passed away. She looked over her shoulder at her mother.

  The woman sat at the table enveloped in her thick, light gray robe, flipping through a Christmas catalog. Her glasses slid down her nose as she ogled a pair of fuzzy leopard print slippers with a discerning eye.

  “Mama, I’ve made a mistake.”

  “What kinda mistake? Cut ’em too big again? I told you to use the other set of knives, baby. Them is dull.”

  “Not the cabbage, Mama.” Jessica opened the lid on the big old silver pot with a dent on the side. It was full of boiling water sprinkled with seasonings and a couple of neckbones. She tossed the freshly chopped leafy greens inside and placed the lid on top, careful to not move it off the eye. “I’ve gotten a little attached to a man I probably shouldn’t consider spending time with.”

  She sighed and noticed her mother was now acutely interested in what she was saying.

  “Shouldn’t consider? What happened? He married?” Mama’s voice rose and she had that look in her eyes, the one that screamed, ‘You know better, girl!’

  “No! You know I’d never date somebody else’s husband, Mama!”

  “Well, hell, he coulda been rich or something and that would’ve made the temptation hard to resist! Sometimes folks say they won’t do something but if the opportunity presents itself in a certain way, they’ll jump on it like a rabbit.” Mama’s cheeks blushed as she teased her a little.

  “Well, opportunity or not, that’s not my style. No married men. It’s nothing like that.”

  “Come on and sit down.” Mama patted the table, inviting her closer. Jessica pulled out the chair across from Mama. The seat had seen better days, the yellow foam exposed beneath the cheap floral printed plastic. She plopped down into it like a lumpy, sad sack of potatoes. She crossed her meaty arms and looked down, unable to make eye contact with Mama as her thoughts drove her crazy. How in the world would she explain this? “Now, what is it, Jess? Who is this man?”

  “Well, he lives over in Sweetwater.”

  “Sweetwater! He is rich, then!”

  “No, Mama, he isn’t rich. He’s doing just fine for himself, but he’s not a billionaire or nothing like that. A lot of people live over in that part of town that aren’t rich. Yeah, the houses are big and pricey, but they’re not all doctors or high-priced lawyers. Now, here’s the issue. He has… Wait.” She held up her finger. “I’m getting ahead of myself. Hold on, let me give you the background or you might get confused.”

  “Fine.” Mama slammed her magazine down on the table as if she were ready for business, some big meeting underway.

  “To keep it short and sweet, he is on my new mail route. I brought him his mail and we had a bit of small talk which led to us realizing we both loved Chess.”

  “Mmm hmmm, you got that from ya Daddy. He taught ya how to play. Oh boy, I remember those days!” Mama grinned from ear to ear. “I’d say, ‘John, leave that girl alone! She got school in the morning!’ You two would be up until damn near midnight. He said you were a natural.” Mama’s eyes sheened over. She missed Daddy so much. So did Jessica, more than she may ever know. “Sorry about that.” Mama dabbed at her eye with a wrinkled paper napkin.

  “That’s okay, Mama. That was a good memory. I think about those days, too.”

  Mama smiled sadly and patted her hand.

  “Go on ahead.”

  “So… he invited me over for Chess and dinner after that. I went, we had a great time and not a day has gone past that we haven’t spoken on the phone. We had a second date, but that one was more… complicated.”

  Mama’s lips twisted like pretzels and her nostrils flared.

  “Being fast. Did you let him milk the cow already? Get it fuh f
ree?”

  “Mama!” The old woman shrugged and chuckled. “Not complicated like that! I have no idea why these things pop into your head. No, I mean… he likes me. Like, really likes me, Mama.”

  “So what? Isn’t that supposed to be the way it should be? And who the hell wouldn’t like you? Why you think you have so many friends, huh? You’ve always had people who enjoy your company. What’s wrong with that? Girl! You actin’ like some sixteen-year-old, like you don’t know the sun from the moon.” Mama grimaced, looking her up and down as if she should be downright ashamed of herself.

  “Actually, Mama, it’s deeper than all of that. This has nothing to do with shyness, being popular, or anything like that. He—”

  “Does he have a job?”

  “Well, yes, but he’s currently not working.”

  “That ain’t no job then.” Mama’s eyes hooded, but she refrained from criticizing further, reserving full judgement for the moment. “Is he financially stable then?”

  “Definitely.”

  “Is he nice to ya?”

  “Yes, very much so.”

  “Is he too young or too old?”

  “No, he’s less than a year younger than me. Only by about five months to be exact.”

  “Does he believe in the Good Lord and is he saved?”

  “We haven’t talked about it much but based on what he told me about going to church as a child in Dallas and the cross that is on his wall in the foyer area of his house, I’d imagine so.”

  “You sure you didn’t see that cross in his bedroom while you were calling out God’s name?”

  “Mama!”

  They both burst out laughing.

  “Well, Jess,” the old lady shrugged, “then what’s the problem?”

  “He has a social anxiety disorder.”

  “What the hell is that?” The woman reared back and made a face as if she’d tasted something sour.

  Jessica closed her eyes and hung her head. She inhaled, exhaled, and mustered up the strength to continue on. “He has something called agoraphobia. It’s basically being afraid of going outdoors. It’s a trigger due to a traumatic event.”