Naked Love

by Jones, Lisa Renee

  “I don’t want to go,” I tell him.

  “We’ll be back in a few hours. But I’m pretty sure I should shower before then.” He touches his thumb to my cheek, and it comes away teal. “Probably you too.”

  “Should we leave them a note or something?”

  He hands me one of the paintbrushes, this one tinged with dark purple at the tip. “Sign it. That’s enough of a note.”

  I didn’t sign the one I painted in the gym, but I take the paintbrush and swirl my name into the bottom right of the painting, where one of the fierce snakes writhes. “How’s that?”

  “Perfect,” he says, his gaze locked on mine.

  My breath catches. “Thank you for helping me.”

  “No, thank you for letting me be part of this. I went to college with legends in the business world, and I’ve still never seen anything close to this.”

  “Careful, or I’ll start to think you’re complaining about capitalism.”

  He gives me the slow smile. “Never.”

  It’s devastating, that smile and that ambition. Devastating the way I can’t seem to look away from him, not even when he touches my cheek again. This time he isn’t wiping away paint. He cups my face and holds me still. His head lowers in slow degrees, giving me time to stop him.

  My body is incapable of moving right now. Even my lungs are frozen, my throat locked tight. Only my heart beats hard enough to hear. It pulses in my lips, waiting, waiting for him.

  I spent a good part of the past four hours painting lips that are the focal point of this piece—lips that are full of feminine beauty and eternal regret, of desire and revenge. I’ve worked through the meaning of every rise, every indent, translated the shadows, but now that I look at Christopher’s lips, with their masculine utility, I don’t know what any of it means. There’s a secret code written all over his skin, the message plain if only I could read it.

  His mouth meets mine, and for a moment the warmth stuns me. I can only stand there under the gentle press of him, feeling the heat spread through my face and down my neck. Down my stomach and into my legs.

  He touches his tongue against the seam of my lips—a question. And I open my mouth in answer, letting him sweep inside with sleep-drunk desire. We shouldn’t be doing this. There are so many reasons why this is wrong, but his hands on my waist feel impossibly right.

  A sound comes from me, a moan that would embarrass me if I were thinking. I’m only feeling. Only falling and letting him catch me, as if we’re meant to do that forever.

  His tongue slides against mine, and it’s so intimate I have to gasp. The rush of cool air in my mouth, when he had been so hot, wakes me from the strange slumber. I look into eyes dark and heavy-lidded and more shocked than my own.

  He takes a step back, letting his hands fall away. “Shit,” he says softly.

  I haven’t kissed very many boys in my life, not enough to hear all the things they might say after they do it, but this response seems particularly disheartening. As does the way he can’t seem to look me in the eyes. “Shit?”

  His throat works. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

  Why not? That’s what I want to ask. Something to soothe this tangle of hurt and hunger inside me. Instead I say, “Is this because Medusa’s watching? She’s actually not as innocent as she looks.”

  He shakes his head. “Don’t.”

  My laugh sounds a little maniacal. “It’s kind of weird that she looks innocent at all, right? That’s not what people usually say, like, ‘oh, she has that girl-next-door look with the snake hair.’ But there’s definitely something innocent about her.”

  “Harper.”

  “She’s not shocked because you kissed her.”

  “You,” he says gently. “I kissed you.”

  “And then you said shit, which I feel like I should tell you, in case you didn’t already know, is not the best thing for a girl’s self-esteem, mythical creature or otherwise.”

  “I’m not sorry I kissed you.”

  “Then why did you stop?”

  “Because you’re high on adrenaline right now. And paint fumes.”

  “You’re doing the whole white-knight thing again, aren’t you? Only this time you’re saving me from you. Boys who think they know better than me are very annoying.”

  “I don’t think if I had kissed you when you opened the hotel room door, you would have been nearly as receptive. Tell me that isn’t true, and I’ll kiss you until we both run out of breath.”

  I consider lying, because I want to know what happens when we’re both out of breath. But I’m a terrible liar, which is how I got caught for doing the painting in the gym even though I hadn’t signed my name. Besides, he’s right about one thing—I wouldn’t have let him kiss me if I hadn’t been delirious from lack of sleep. Does that make the kiss more real or less?

  In the end he leaves me on the sidewalk in New York City, a heavy-lidded bellhop standing with the door open, steam rising from grates in the flush of an industrial dawn.

  8

  Incomparable

  The studio loses their minds, chastising me over e-mail and talking about procedures way more than any place with the words “creative genius” in their Facebook bio should. Thankfully I sleep through most of that, and by the time I wake up at three p.m., Professor Mills has smoothed things over.

  I’m wearing a forest velvet Givenchy dress with a wrapped bodice. The head curator seems a little drunk by the time Mom and I show up. “I should have had more faith in you,” the curator tells me, eyes bright with excitement and secret champagne. “The phone has been off the hook. Everyone wants a ticket, but we’re sold out.”

  I give her a hug mostly because it looks like she needs one. “Thank you so much for giving me the chance to be here. I’m sorry if I stressed you out, but I just wanted to do a good job.”

  She bursts into tears and ends up crying into my velvet-clad shoulder about how shitty the New York art scene is and how this might actually save her. Mostly I get through that encounter by telling myself that it’s not really happening, that I fell asleep slumped against Medusa last night and now I’m still sleeping under Christopher’s watch.

  Professional art movers have already brought over the other pieces, which are being carefully hung beneath heavy spotlights. Caterers are setting up a table of hors d'oeuvre with cheese and olives and sesame-seed-covered pita chips to dip into truffle hummus.

  Daddy shows up a half hour before the doors will open and squeezes me tight. “I’m so proud of you, Harper. And so glad I got to see this.”

  The words strike me as odd, and I squeeze him back. “I’m sorry you had to cancel Japan… but also not sorry. It’s no 4.0, but it’s all I’ve got.”

  “I don’t care about your GPA.”

  That makes me roll my eyes. “Sure you don’t.”

  He cups my face in his hands. “I’m serious. The world is a crazy place, but you already know that. That’s why you painted that gymnasium in the first place. I just want you to be safe and secure, and if that means making grades and doing what society expects, that’s the only reason I’ve ever wanted that for you.”

  My heart squeezes tight, because I know that’s true. Maybe he wanted to understand me better. Maybe I would have liked to understand him better, but I always knew he wanted what was best for me. “Thank you, Daddy.”

  “Now give me a tour of this show before the whole world wants a piece of you.”

  So I show him around the paintings of Medusa’s life and death. Only when we get to the final piece do I find Mom standing there, staring at it as if transfixed.

  “Hell,” Daddy breathes.

  Mom turns back with a slight smile. Her dress is glimmering and couture, showing off a figure some twenty-year-olds would kill for. She’s always been a beautiful woman, but never a happy one. “Look at what our girl did.”

  Daddy clears his throat. “She’s… incomparable.”

  Only I don’t think he’s talking about m
e.

  And for a moment, with both my parents in the same place, not fighting, not throwing anything, with Christopher in the same city and planning to come to my show, everything is perfect. After my childhood I should have known that perfection is only ever an illusion. A shine you put on things that are too broken to ever be fixed.

  9

  Cautionary Tale

  The room is packed by the time the curator drags me to the makeshift platform to give a little speech. I give a small wave to my professor, who looks so different in a black lace dress instead of the brown tweed suits she wears to class. Christopher leans against the back wall, looking impeccable in a suit but somehow distant from everyone.

  Someone who should belong but doesn’t.

  I’m not twenty-one yet, but Mom gave me a glass of champagne. It left my throat dry and scratchy, or at least that’s how it feels as I look out at mostly strangers. They’ve been exclaiming and complimenting my work since they showed up.

  My central piece is still up for auction.

  Those display walls are glorified plywood; they don’t even reach the ceiling. The curator was more than willing to take a chunk out of the maze for the publicity. The audience seem to like the whole surprise element of the main portrait, because the auction has already risen to crazy proportions even without Daddy bidding. I’m not sure if it’s really the painting they love or the story around it, but either way that’s a lot of money for charity.

  I grasp the microphone, pretending my hands aren’t slick with sweat. Pretending my voice doesn’t quaver. “The story goes that Athena cursed Medusa with hair made of snakes and a face so horrible it would turn men to stone. We are told that she did this as a just punishment, because she was so offended that Medusa was raped in her temple. Except how would that be just, to blame Medusa for something that she didn’t want and didn’t cause?”

  The crowd looks back at me, a little aghast, a lot uncomfortable that I would talk about this while they’re wearing diamonds that cost the same as a whole car.

  “I don’t think Athena cursed her, not really. I think she gave Medusa what she wanted most—weapons to protect herself with. Power, when it had been taken from her.”

  It strikes me then, how close Daddy and Mom are standing next to each other. As if they’re a couple, when they could barely stand to talk to each other to arrange visitation.

  “Do you know,” I ask the crowd, “that there is no recorded instance of her turning a woman to stone? Only men.”

  Christopher might be made from stone, that’s how still he is as he watches me with those mysterious black eyes. It’s like he’s holding his breath, and maybe he is. Waiting to see how the story ends, even if we think we already know.

  “In the end, it wasn’t enough. Men found a way to use her, taking her power for themselves, using her head to defeat their enemies. Medusa is a cautionary tale. She always has been, but I don’t think she’s warning us away from rage.” The last words I say directly to Christopher. “She’s warning us to use it better. To use it more. That’s our power, in the end.”

  The crowd claps for me while Daddy hoots and whistles, because he can’t help but show his support for me. It feels like absolute exhilaration, stepping down from the platform and accepting the handshakes and hugs from people around me.

  Mom squeezes me in a delicate hug, and Daddy puts his arms around us both. How long has it been since they hugged me at the same time? I can’t find a memory to place this with; it’s in a box all its own. And then they let me go—too soon.

  I find myself standing in front of Christopher, a lingering smile on my lips. Even my embarrassment over the rejection last night can’t touch me now. We may not kiss again, but this man is a friend. Maybe the best friend I ever had.

  “You blew them away,” he says.

  “You helped.”

  He shakes his head. “I’m not taking any credit for lock picking.”

  “It’s a very interesting skill. You’ll have to tell me where you picked it up.”

  His mouth opens, but I don’t hear anything. There’s a rush in the crowd, a heavy jostle that leaves me unsteady on my green-velvet heels. For a minute I think they must have released fresh trays of champagne from the kitchen. Maybe filled with bonus diamonds?

  Until there’s a scream from behind me. I whirl to see my mother kneeling on the ground beside Daddy, who has his hand clutched to his heart, his eyes staring up at nothing.

  Something dark moves through me, a sense that I caused this somehow. With my paintings or my hopeless dreams. That this is my fault.

  “No,” I whisper, but I can tell from the sound of my mother’s mournful wail, like the sound you hear far away in an untamed desert, haunting and stark, that he’s gone.

  “Fuck,” Christopher says, the word harsh.

  My head feels light, and I realize in a split second of surprise that I’m going to faint. That my body would rather shut down than face what’s happening. I’m falling, again, and this time there are strong hands to catch me.

  10

  Empty-Handed

  The funeral takes place four days later in a historic cathedral in Boston. It’s a private affair, with only me and Mom and Christopher and a handful of very close business partners. One of them gives Mom a look of undisguised hunger and makes her promise to let him know if she needs anything. Another one of them gives the same look and extracts the same promise from me.

  I walk through the whole thing in a daze. Vaguely I’m aware that I’ve taken a leave of absence from school, that I should be dealing with grief. And maybe I could, if I could bring myself to really believe that it happened. Mostly I keep waiting to wake up.

  Keep waiting for a hand to reach into the water and pull me out.

  Christopher doesn’t approach me at the funeral.

  He doesn’t write any more letters.

  It’s like a second blow, his absence, a fatal one where my father’s death has maimed me. I try not to think about it, the same way I try not to think about Daddy.

  While the funeral was a quiet affair, I’m dreading the reading of the will, because it will be a circus. Every single one of his wives and most of his past stepchildren will be in attendance to see if anything was bequeathed to them.

  “Please don’t make me go.”

  The words come out as a hoarse murmur, because I’ve only said them for the millionth time. It’s not like my inheritance is a raffle ticket that will be forfeited if I don’t show up. The actual will reading is just a formality. An anachronism. A public stoning. Someone will tell me what Daddy gave me, whether it’s two dollars or two billion. It doesn’t matter whether I’m present at the will reading. And God, I don’t want to be there.

  Mom sits on the sofa beside me, her eyes rimmed red from crying. She’s mourned the loss of him more in the past two weeks than she did in the decade they had been divorced. “You and I are the only ones who deserve to be there.”

  She thinks he’s going to give her something, and it kills me. Could he have changed that much? God, the child support arguments were so bitter. So freaking specific. By the end he had seemed to soften toward her. At the art studio there had been a moment when he’d looked at her and I’d had the thought that every child of divorced parents has at least once, a desperate hope, a terrible dream that they might get back together.

  I shake my head. “Neither of us should be there. It will be terrible.”

  “We hold our heads high. All of those money-hungry bastards can sit there and be embarrassed when it comes out that they aren’t getting anything.”

  And what happens when it comes out that you aren’t? “Mom, whatever happens… you know that whatever I have, it’s yours. Right?”

  “You think he’s going to leave me out?”

  I look away, at the nondescript painting on the nondescript hotel wall. We’re living on borrowed money right now, paying for this hotel room on credit because surely Daddy will have left us money.

 
Except I’m not so sure.

  He loved me; I know that. And he even loved my mom in his own way. But he was always tied up about money. I could see him leaving me nothing as some kind of character-building experiment. I would have to quit Smith College without any way to pay the tuition, but I’m not as worried about me.

  I’m more worried about what would happen to my mother’s fragile sense of self if she holds her head high against all those wives and then ends up humiliated. She hasn’t even met most of them. I’ve met them, on my annual spring break visits.

  There would be glee, to see the first and most coveted wife taken down.

  “I just think it doesn’t make sense to put ourselves through that. Everyone’s going to see someone else get taken down.”

  “They’re going because they think they were important to him.”

  I’m not sure Daddy was that black-and-white. He cared for his other wives; at least he didn’t treat them with disdain. But they got their small piece of their fortune with the ironclad prenup he made them sign. He won’t give them more than that, but not for the reasons that Mom thinks.

  The other children will be there, too. Not biological children. I’m the only one he had, but there are plenty of other stepchildren through the years.

  Including Christopher. Will he be there?

  It will kill me to see him salivating for Daddy’s fortune. Except why wouldn’t he? He’s always wanted money, and Daddy’s money is as good as any.

  “Whatever happens, we’ll be okay,” I say, but I’m not sure who I’m trying to convince.

  Mom gives a firm shake of her head. “He wouldn’t leave us empty-handed.”

  11

  Liquid And Otherwise

  The will reading takes place at my father’s lawyer’s office, which is on the thirty-eighth floor of a building that overlooks a park blooming with pink and white cherry blossoms. It’s strange to see the world so full of life when we’re wearing black and facing death.