“Those are your hang ups, Shannon. Not mine. I wouldn’t have pursued you, because I’m an escort and you wouldn’t be able to handle it when I had clients. Other clients.”
There it was. My heart took a swan dive into my belly. “You’ve been seeing clients?”
He rolled his eyes. “You don’t get to play that card with me tonight.”
“I paid you for a service.” The words tasted bad. “Have you been? Tell me the truth.”
“You paid me for three appointments. The rest of my time belongs to me.”
Ouch. “Fair enough.”
“No. I haven’t been with anyone else.” He slipped his hands out of his pockets and crossed his arms against his chest, bumping into my finger which was still there. It was so natural to keep touching him, to have some sort of connection, I’d forgotten I was doing it. “I told myself I was building my new guys’ rosters. But the truth was I didn’t want to. Because I wanted to be with you. It looks like my schedule just got freed up, though. I’m wide open now.”
“Zach, don’t do this.” I wasn’t going to cheapen this more with something lame like I can explain. I couldn’t. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry, too.” His voice softened, and he moved my finger away from my chest. I thought he’d drop it by my side, but instead he wrapped his fingers around it. “You may have noticed I’ve got some serious trust issues. Everyone I let in lies to me. Jag forgot to tell me he had a kid old enough to be in middle school, and you insist you don’t need money but you sold our story to a fucking online rag. I thought this meant something to you, Shannon. But I was wrong.”
He turned around, letting go of me as he headed for the door. I caught it before he could close it behind him. He trotted down the stairs and then turned around to look up at me, like he did that first night he was here, when our souls whispered to each other in the dark. Tonight, there was nothing left to say.
And then he was gone.
23
Zach
“Hey, man. You all right?” Jagger answered the phone right away.
“Yeah. I’m fine.” Lie.
He scoffed. Good reason to, since last time I saw him I stormed off.
I spent a lot of yesterday doing that. Retreating to the place I was safe. Alone.
“Shannon called Leah last night after you left. Asked us to come over. She was a mess. She told us what happened,” he said.
I balled my hand in a fist against the window. “I’m no angel in this, either.”
“Why’s that?” Jag always said I’d know The One when I found her, but I watched him struggle when he met Leah with the very same thing I questioned as I got to know Shannon. If I could walk away from a lifestyle that gave me everything that was good in my life but had left me alone.
My phone buzzed in my hand. It was probably Shannon sending me the hundredth message since I stormed out of her place. Hearts and little crying yellow faces were interspersed between I know sorry wasn’t enough, I wasn’t thinking, I’ll do whatever I can to get out of the contract, and please answer me. I hadn’t yet, but it didn’t mean I wasn’t reading her messages.
I love you.
Wrong answer, Shannon. My body buzzed like another message was coming through, but it was just the aftermath of her confession.
“Zach? You still there?” Jag was saying my name over and over when I put the phone back up to my ear.
“Yeah. I’m here.”
“Thought you hung up on me.” Jag chuckled. He was laughing at me, wherever the hell he was. “Now tell me what you did wrong.”
“I got involved with a client. You know that’s against the rules. I used Barry’s old contract. She told me what she wanted, and I didn’t listen. I did what I wanted.”
“That’s not like you, but when you meet The One, those rules seem fucking stupid,” he said softly. “I kept trying to take clients after I met Leah, and my heart wasn’t in it anymore.”
“Would you have quit if that crazy chick didn’t threaten to sue?” I asked.
“Yeah. On the way there, I decided she was my last client. And she made my decision easy.” He laughed. It was the worst thing in the world at the time it happened, and he could laugh about it now. “It hurt Leah too much. But I kept telling myself I couldn’t quit my job for a woman. Which would be true if I did any other kind of work.”
“But you had something you could fall back on.” And a rich woman in his bed, who was able to save the day with a job offer. “What the fuck would I do?”
“Are you still taking clients?” Jag asked.
“I wasn’t.” But my inbox hadn’t been full until that morning, either. It made it easy to seem virtuous. “I was giving them to the other guys.”
“You can run the business without going on appointments.”
“That’s not what this is about. It’s about Shannon cashing in on her story.”
“What are you talking about?” he asked.
“The blog. She told you what happened.”
“She didn’t mention any blog. She said that you offered her money for her work on the site and that you said you couldn’t trust her.”
I sighed. “She left big chunks of the story out. She’s been blogging for a magazine about our relationship.”
“Can it be pointed back to you? The agency?” He was so calm, and I hated it when Jag made so much sense.
“I found it when I Googled Escort Miami.” And anyone else who did that would do the same, if they bothered to wade through Jagger’s old news.
“You have to ask yourself why that matters so much to you. If it’s done right, it could be a windfall for you. Free advertising. You know as well as I do there’s nothing in that contract that prohibits what she’s doing.”
“The agency only works when the women keep their mouth shut.” And the scandal sent Barry’s business crashing down to its knees. None of our clients wanted people to know they hired someone to fulfill their deepest, darkest desires.
“Bullshit. The agency thrived through word of mouth. Because they whispered to their friends, I know where you can find a guy to do that for you. Barry built the business before social media exploded. The women who could afford to hire us are older than Shannon. They don’t broadcast their shit on the internet. But there is a whole group of women coming of age who’ve got that kind of money and needs they can’t satisfy. You wanted Shannon to do your marketing?” Jag laughed. “She did it. She’s going to make hiring an escort sound like a good idea to a group of women who grew up sending naked selfies and broadcasting their secrets to the entire world. You can’t buy this kind of publicity. She’s going to make you more money than you know what to do with. And for that, she deserves a lot more than the privilege of fucking you.”
I let his words sink in. “I never thought of it like that.” I spent so long being something other people were ashamed of, I didn’t know any different.
“The Great Start scandal scared a lot of people away, but I never told you how many job offers I got out of that. I turned them all down, because it was never my intention to be famous. But there’s this I-was-there mentality that we never considered because we were taught what we were doing was wrong. Making people happy isn’t wrong. Everyone deserves that. And it’s about time you realize it for yourself.”
24
Shannon
I jumped every time my phone pinged. I hoped it would be Zach, acknowledging my existence. I’d go for that at this point. A confirmation that I was living and breathing and that my heart still beat. The last time I felt like this was the Christmas Grandma told me my mom was coming. I didn’t play with any of the toys she got me, or eat any of the treats we made. I spent the day staring at the door. My disappointment grew as my cousins arrived, their parents in tow. But my mom? She must’ve had something better to do. A prior engagement. I’ll never know. She didn’t bother to make an excuse.
Along with a deep suspicion of holidays that revolved around families, I learned to manage m
y expectations. To only want things I could have. I didn’t start off thinking that way about Zach, until he insisted I change my mind.
It was a New York number, but I didn’t recognize it. There were tons of offices in the Great Start Today building, and it was probably someone who needed to close out my file.
“This is Shannon,” I said.
“Hi, Shannon, I’m so glad I caught you. This is Sonya Martinez from Insight magazine.”
Oh. I was paralyzed with a mixture of excitement to be talking to my editor and the kick to the gut the column had caused me.
I had to get out of my contract. And the universe was giving me the perfect opportunity to do so.
“Is this Shannon Gallagher?” she asked when I let too much time pass without answering her.
“It is.” I tried to pull myself together. “Did I miss a deadline?”
She laughed. “No. Everyone panics when I call them for the first time. This is good news. I should’ve emailed you first, but I was too excited to wait for you to respond.”
“What is it?” Please say you’re letting me out of my contract, please say you’re letting me out of my contract…
“We knew your feature would be successful, but it’s had an unprecedented amount of hits. Have you read any of the comments on your blog posts?”
Hell no. “Is that the first rule? Never read the comments?”
“No wonder you’re such a good writer. You don’t miss a beat. The comments have been overwhelmingly positive, and we’ve been getting email from readers wanting to know where they can find this guy. Or someone like this guy. You don’t have to answer, but I have to ask. Does he exist?”
Not in that capacity anymore. “No.”
“Oh.” She didn’t bother trying to hide her disappointment. “I hoped it was a real agency.”
“Is that a problem? Because if you don’t want me to write the column anymore—”
I was interrupted by laughter. “I’m calling to offer you a book deal.”
“A what?”
“A book deal. Our parent company also owns Mercury Books, and they partner with our best and brightest writers who have a handle on pop culture and current events. I know it might seem overwhelming, if you’ve never written longform, um, fiction or non-fiction before, but there will be a team to help you put the story together in the best possible way.”
Holy. Shit. A book deal based on my relationship with Zach. My non-existent relationship with Zach that had been built on misunderstandings and bad communication. On desire and fear. And the want for more than we had. The story was over, and it didn’t have a happy ending. That was what they’d want, right? An assurance that the girl who could manipulate the world wide web to do what she wanted could do the same to a man.
“Shannon, are you still there?”
“I am.” My mouth was so dry. “Do I have to give you an answer now?”
“Of course not. But I haven’t finished telling you the initial terms of the deal. You’ll probably want to contact a literary agent to make sure you get everything you want. But as it stands, it’s a six-figure deal. When a publishing house puts that kind of money into an advance, they want to guarantee they make it back. Which means publicity. A lot of it. And there’s a whole section about movie rights. More than usual…”
I was getting dizzy listening to her. Six figures. That would be more than enough for me to get a car and a cute little condo. Not a glass house like Zach’s, but maybe a little place near Wynwood. One with two bedrooms—one for me, one for Grandma. But before I got too wrapped up in a which-Chris-would-play-Zach-in-the-movie daydream, I had to figure out what was best for me.
And that meant what was best for Zach, too. I’d violated his trust, and I wasn’t sure if I was legally obligated to profit from it. I needed way more than a literary agent.
“…I’ll email the contract over so you can take a look at it, but if you decide to accept, I strongly suggest you contact an agent. Don’t be nervous about that. You tell them that you have an offer like this on the table, you’re guaranteed money to them.”
“Okay. I will.” I could barely string a coherent sentence together. “Thank you.”
Tears streamed down my face when I got off the phone with Sonya. I hadn’t put it down yet, I held it against my chest. It had never been my dream to write a book or be involved in a movie—I managed my expectations—but it didn’t mean that it wasn’t an attractive offer. My phone vibrated again, jumpstarting my stalled heart, and once again I hoped it was Zach.
It was Sonya, with the contract.
Leah would know what to do. I hadn’t told her about the blog—I’d meant to keep it a secret from everyone. When she and Jagger came over the other night to calm me down, I left that part out of the story. They’d been ruined by the media, when someone from Leah’s past outed her for hiring Jagger. She lost her job at the TV show, and the escort agency fell to ruins. And I did the same thing. They wouldn’t be too sympathetic when they found out, and I’d really needed a shoulder to cry on that night.
I wondered if I subconsciously sabotaged my relationship with Zach from the very start.
“Ready for our next client?” Leah had dark smudges under her eyes this morning. We probably matched. She had her hair pulled away from her face. Odd. She was usually perfectly put together. “Claire was a trial run, but with Elizabeth, I’ll need you to take the reins. It won’t always be like this, but I think it’s best if I step back into a supporting role until Miss Violet graces us with her presence.”
Shit. This wasn’t like Leah. “Is everything okay with the baby?”
Her baby bump was visible over the top of the table. “Yeah, she’s fine. The placenta has been giving us trouble through the entire pregnancy. It had settled over my womb, and then moved away, so we thought we were in the clear. But at yesterday’s appointment, it seemed like it’s slipping back into the danger zone.”
“I don’t like those words together.” Not at all.
“Nothing to worry about. It means they’re scheduling me for a C-section. Soon. I won’t be bringing her to term.” She frowned. “But Violet herself is doing fine. She’s developing as she should, and my doctor insists everything will go smoothly.”
“Wow. Will you have to stay at the hospital for a long time?” I did my best to keep my cool. Leah had been my rock as long as I’d known her, and now she needed me to be the same.
“I’ll be there a few days. Violet will be there longer. It depends on how well her organs have developed. She’ll stay at the NICU until she’s ready to come home.”
Jesus. I put my hand over hers. “It sounds like you’re both in great hands.”
“I hope so. I’m turning forty in two months, which makes things more difficult, since I’m not exactly the best candidate for this.” She wouldn’t meet my gaze. “I’m scared.”
“Don’t be. You have Jagger and Raven, and you have me.” Wasn’t sure how much good that did, but at least I’d earn my perfect attendance badge. “I’ll do whatever you need me to do.”
Some of the light returned to Leah’s eyes. “Get ready for your first meeting with Elizabeth. You’ll be the face of this makeover. I’ll be here to help with ordering and research, but as far as execution goes, this is The Shannon Show.”
“Does she know that?” After all, she’d hired Leah. Not me.
“Yes, she does. She’s friends with Claire, who raved about your work. She knows she’s in perfectly capable hands, and I told her she’d be seeing more of you than me when she signed the contract.”
My heart sank. “How does she know Claire?”
Leah sighed. “She’s one of Jagger’s old clients. Eventually, we’ll get a client that hasn’t had sex with one or both of our significant others.”
“Your significant other.” I picked at the frayed edge of the hole in my jeans.
“Give him a chance to come around,” she said.
I hated to turn this into The Shannon Show when she
was having real problems, but I had to tell her. I’d burst if I kept inside a moment longer. “I don’t think that’s going to happen.”
“Why not?” Leah shifted with a groan, and I regretted saying anything. She didn’t need my crap.
“There’s a reason why Zach gave me that check.” I took a deep breath. “I started a journal about our relationship, and there was an open call from Insight magazine for their True Confessions blog. They accepted it, and Zach found out.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Did you tell him?”
“No. He found it online and came over with the check, freaking out that he couldn’t trust me. And then he left. You know the rest.” I left out all the stuff he said about Jagger. My mission was not to divide and conquer.
Leah bit her lip. “I can understand why he’s upset. Nobody wants a surprise like that. Especially after what happened with Jagger and the lawsuit. You should’ve told him before you submitted.”
Fuck. I thought I’d prepared for the worst, but I was too busy hoping for the best. I wanted her on my side, and now I worried she wouldn’t trust me, either. “In hindsight, of course I should have. But I honestly didn’t think he’d ever find out. I know that doesn’t make it better, and I wonder if I would’ve censored my writing if he knew about it.”
And if I would I have been offered the book deal if I had.
“Is he mad because you kissed and told or because he’s worried it will hurt the agency?”
“Both.”
She frowned. “His only real job has been escorting. He’s trying to protect his life as he knows it.”
I’ll keep you safe, he said. Safety was important to Zach in the same way it was important to me. It meant control. We’d both come from a place where we had very little of it. I could control work, and he could control sex. His work.
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