Like You Mean It

by Jillian Liota

  “You’ve had some dark shit happen to you recently, and when I met you that first day, you looked like the world had just been beating you down for so long. For so long, and you were still trying to brave the day with that smile that didn’t really reach your eyes.” I move my hand slightly and tap my thumb lightly next to her left eye. “I just want to see you smile like you mean it. And I promise you, that comes from a place inside of me that just wants your life to be better than something you have to brave to get through. I just… want you to be happy.”

  Her eyes water up just a bit, but she doesn’t look away from me. She looks so small sitting on this futon, with me crouching down in front of her. But there’s a power inside of her that is anything but small. There’s a depth to her that I haven’t seen in many people in my life.

  I’m startled slightly when she leans forward and wraps her arms around my shoulders in a hug. Her big belly really is like a basketball sitting between us, and after the shock of her hugging me wears off, I can’t help but smile as I wrap my arms around her too.

  “Thank you,” she says on a whisper.

  And when she pulls back and looks me in the eyes, her hands coming to rest on her stomach, she gives me the smile I want. It doesn’t last but a moment, but it was genuine and real and it shined out of her like a light from the fucking sun.

  CHAPTER NINE

  ANNIE

  On Wednesday afternoon, I check my phone and see a missed call, with a voicemail telling me I should come by The Steam Room to talk about a job with someone named Carly.

  I think I actually scream.

  I’ve been applying for jobs all week. And all last week, too, with this being my first time having someone ask me to come interview.

  So I spend the evening updating my resume, picking out the nicest maternity clothes I own, which basically is just a pair of black pants and a drapey white shirt, along with black flats and a red necklace. Then, Jones and I head to the grocery store to grab supplies to make cookies. Because if I’m going to be right next to The Garage, I may as well drop off a thank you for the owner. And ask about my payment plan, because I still haven’t gotten anything in the mail.

  Jones spends the entire shopping trip talking my ear off about this boy named Tyler that he met at his first day at Sunrise Daycare. Apparently, he and Jones are already best friends.

  It’s so easy when you’re a kid.

  The next morning, I drop Jones off at Sunrise and head over to The Steam Room. And when I walk in, the same girl from last week is standing behind the counter.

  I give her a warm smile. “Hi, Carly told me to come by about interviewing and possibly completing some employment paperwork. Is she in?”

  The girl’s smile grows even larger. “That’s me! I’m Carly.” She sticks her hand out and gives mine a shake. “And you’re Annie. I remember you dropping off your application last week.”

  I give her a nod. “That’s me.”

  “Well, welcome back to The Steam Room. I’m the lead barista, Carly. The owner’s name is Lonnie and he leaves the hiring decisions to me. When you dropped off your application, there was something about you that told me you’d be a good fit.”

  That sounds like an interesting way to make hiring decisions. But I have no place to question the practice, so I just smile and hope for the best.

  “Well, that sounds wonderful. But I think I’m a little confused. I’m here for an interview, right?”

  She laughs. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I must not have been clear enough on the phone. We’d like to hire you, but the position is a little different than what you probably thought you’d be getting, so I figured it would be good for you to come in and have a chat about it first.”

  “Well, then, lets get started.” I look around, seeing that the place is fairly empty, which is surprising for the morning, when most people are caffeine deprived. “Just out of curiosity, is there a reason there are only a few people here? I feel like most coffee shops are packed in the mornings.”

  She just laughs. “That’s actually one of the reasons we want to hire you! We hope you can help a little with that. We’ve been experiencing a significant drop in clientele over the past six months and we can’t figure out why. I saw on your resume that you have experience with graphic design and some marketing, and I’m hoping to hire you as a Project Manager.”

  My mouth must drop open a little bit. Definitely not the barista job I thought I was going to be offered.

  “That sounds amazing. What’s involved in the position?”

  “A little bit of everything,” she says, her smile still large. She comes around the counter and gestures for me to take a seat in one of the chairs, then plops down in the one across from me. “I’ve been pushing Lonnie to create this position for a few months and he finally gave me a the green light, but it hasn’t even been advertised yet. The primary focus would be on improving marketing campaigns and boosting customers and sales, but it will also look at other things too, like expanding our food items or bringing in music in the evenings.”

  She shrugs, like what she’s saying is no big deal. Like it isn’t the most amazing opportunity ever to be thrown in my face. “It isn’t totally ironed out, and I know this whole thing isn’t particularly organized, but there’d be an employment contract and salary and everything, so I don’t want you to feel like it’s a hot mess.”

  I’m overwhelmed. If there was ever a perfect position for me, this sounds like it’s the one. “Carly, I have to tell you, you’ve given me the best news I’ve gotten in months.”

  She beams at me. “Wonderful!”

  “But,” I say, putting my hand against my chest and taking a deep breath. “As I’m sure you can see, I’m fairly pregnant. I’ll be giving birth near Christmas, and I just wanted to put that out there so you know what you’re getting yourself into, since I know that’s a pretty busy time.”

  “Oh girl,” she says, batting a hand in front of her as if to shoo my fears away. “That’s one of the benefits of having another millennial as your boss. When it comes to taking leave and needing time for your family, I’ve got you. And we’ll definitely sort out a maternity schedule and do forward planning for Christmas and the New Year so you’re not under stress.”

  My heart swells. “Well then.” And I swear, it takes everything in me to keep from welling up.

  Stupid pregnancy hormones.

  “Come with me to the back. I want you to meet the owner.” We take a step behind the swinging door, and she leads me through a small kitchen before stopping at an office in the back. “Lonnie,” she says to a very old gentleman sitting in a rolling chair at a computer, glaring at it like it did him dirty.

  “Lonnie,” she says again, and he finally turns, the frustration on his face morphing into a smile when he sees Carly and then me. “This is Annie. She’s going to be taking the Project Manager position.” She looks at me and squints. “I think.”

  I laugh. This girl has no idea how in love I am with her right now. I’d take anything she’s willing to give me.

  “I will absolutely be taking the Project Manager position.”

  «««« »»»»

  I can’t believe my luck. The grin is permanently etched to my face. I take a sip of my tea and glance out the window, slowly reviewing paperwork and signing here and there.

  I seriously, entirely can’t believe my luck.

  Lonnie and Carly were thrilled with my acceptance, which was immediate. And my happiness has grown with each page that I flip.

  An hourly rate higher than minimum wage for a part-time position of twenty hours per week and minor health benefits for me and Jones. A 10% discount. The ability to craft my own schedule around what works for daycare.

  I could break down in tears.

  I finish signing the paperwork and then take a sip of my Earl Grey, glancing down towards the auto shop where my car was worked on.

  The muscles in my stomach tighten. Rent I can barely afford. Daycare for Jones. The skyr
ocketing cost of groceries and utilities and basically everything in California compared to anywhere else in the country. The payment plan for my car.

  But then I take a deep breath and feel my stomach loosen just slightly. As long as I also continue to work hard at the graphic design stuff, I might even be able to start putting away a few bucks a month for emergencies.

  “All set?”

  My heard turns quickly at the sound of Carly’s voice. The woman is like a cat. I didn’t even hear her approach.

  Giving her a smile, I set my cup down and pick up the stack of papers that I just finished.

  “Yes, ma’am. Everything’s signed. What’s next?”

  She takes the paperwork from my hand and flips through it, double-checking that I’ve hit all the right spots. When she’s satisfied, she gives me a retuning smile.

  “Now, we sort out a schedule.”

  Thirty minutes later, after considering at least six different schedule options, we’ve gotten my hours organized. Ultimately, we went back to the option we considered first, which is that I’ll work four hours per day each weekday. The hours will shift and change as projects and events pop up, but those will either be extra time paid, or will flex my normal schedule to give me different days off. But Carly pointed out it might be hard to work any full 8-10 hour days when I’ve never had a job before that had shifts that long.

  “Oh shit.”

  I look away from where I’m tucking my phone into my purse and towards Carly’s voice. Her eyes are big and locked on the window behind me. When she doesn’t say anything else, I start to turn, until she gives me a briskly whispered, “Don’t look!”

  Ahhhh. So it’s a boy. I smile inwardly but try to keep it neutral on the outside.

  “Oh my god, I love him,” she whispers, then practically sprints across the store to get behind the counter.

  I can’t help the small giggle that escapes my mouth, but I busy myself with packing up my stuff, leaving Carly to her swooning.

  I remember life when I felt that way about Andrew. I’d watch him across the quad from where I sat alone, just hoping he’d look my way. And then one day he did, and I was a goner.

  I thought he was too, but apparently things change.

  “Good morning!” Carly’s chipper voice sings across the shop right after I hear a bell jingle.

  “Mornin’” is all I need to hear for all of the hairs on my arms and neck to stand at attention.

  My head turns and I watch Cole saunter across the shop, not looking in my direction. I’m frozen in place. I haven’t seen him in a few days, since he came over and made that beautiful declaration in my living room about caring about me and Jones. A part of me doesn’t know how I should talk to him at all after he says something like that to me.

  But I also can’t help but smile, even if it is pretty small and something I want to keep secret and close to my heart. I haven’t felt special like that in… well, ever.

  “The usual?” Carly asks him, and he just nods.

  Once he hands over his cash and pops some bills in the tip jar, his eyes begin a quick survey of the shop. And when they land on me, he can barely mask his surprise.

  “Hey!” he says, a big smile taking over his face.

  And I can’t help but return it.

  “Hi! What are you doing here?” Then I laugh. “Well, I mean besides getting coffee. Obviously.”

  “Oh, I’m just…”

  “Here you go!” Carly’s voice interrupts as she places his coffee on the counter.

  He grabs the coffee, thanks Carly, then turns back to me.

  “So what have you been up to? I haven’t seen you in a few days.”

  “Oh, nothing interesting, trust me,” I say with a laugh. “But Jones finally started at a daycare, so you won’t have to worry about him getting all in your business all the time.”

  Cole smiles, popping the lid off his cup and taking a sip. He pulls back quickly, though, blowing on the scalding liquid. After a second, and another sip, he responds.

  “You know, I’ve been thinking about Jones, and how he’s always asking to ride my motorcycle.” He pops the lid back on. “I was thinking he could come over a few times and help me work on my bike. That way, he’ll get more familiar with it, and get a chance to be around it a little bit.”

  “Cole, that’s really nice of you, but you don’t have to do that.”

  He shrugs. “The kid likes me. And I like him. I figure if I make it so he has to work for it, he’ll appreciate it more once I actually take him on a ride. My mom’s husband did it that way and it made me realize I had to work for what I wanted. Plus, that way I can wait for you to be more comfortable with me before I take him out so you don’t have to be the bad guy who is always telling him no.”

  My heart swoops at his thoughtfulness.

  It has been a hard bit of time since Andrew died, being the only parent, the sole disciplinarian. Not that he was a very involved parent, but he was able to help balance things out a bit. To have Cole think far enough ahead to know that I don’t want to always be the voice of reason, the one who always says no… it just means a lot to me.

  I give him a genuine smile. A small one, but clearly pleased. And he returns it.

  His eyes break away from mine and look over briefly at Carly, who is watching us with wide eyes, then turns back to me with barely contained laughter.

  “Alright, well, lets plan on the kid and I hanging out this weekend? Just let me know when works for you. Here.” He steps over to the counter and grabs a napkin and a pen. “Here’s my number. I mean, you should probably have it anyway, just in case something happens. But, just text me when you know when you think works.”

  I smile at him as he scribbles his number onto the napkin. “I’ll text you so you have mine too.”

  He looks pleased, and I’m happy to put that smile on his face.

  “Well, I’m gonna head out. I’ll see you soon, Annie.” He heads for the door, then turns back to give Carly a little wave. He heads out of the coffee shop and within a millisecond, Carly has rounded the counter and is inches from me.

  “Tell me everything! Tell me everything! OH-EM-GEE how do you know him. I’ve been in love with him for literally years.”

  My eyes fly wide at Carly’s outburst, but then I break into laughter.

  “Cole?” I ask, knowing exactly who she’s talking about. When her head nearly falls off her body from nodding so hard, I let out another laugh. “He’s just my neighbor.”

  But she’s already shaking her head in a new direction, almost just as violently. “Nonononono no way!” she cries out. “He’s your hot neighbor and he is so into you. Like, he wants to be all up in this business into you. He thinks you’re a hot mama!”

  My mouth drops open.

  “Okay, I don’t know what you’re drinking today, but I’m assuming it’s at least 50 proof because that is absolutely insane.” I pause. “I’m a big gross pregnant lady and he’s…” I can’t even really finish that sentence. What do I say? Incredibly handsome? Way more put together?

  “Fucking hot,” she finishes for me, her eyes watching him out the window. I glance over and see him walking across the street and down a ways.

  “Yeah, okay, so he’s handsome,” I start, pausing in comfortable silence as Carly and I watch him walk down the street.

  “You’re totally checking out his ass right now,” Carly whispers, and I spin almost violently away from the window.

  “Nope!” I shout with a smile, and she breaks into laughter.

  “But I’m not kidding when I say he’s into you,” she adds, her eyes returning out the window. “He’s one of those quiet and sexy types, right? Like, one of the broody guys from romance novels that don’t say a lot but have a heart of gold? He never says anything when he comes in normally.” She clutches a hand over her heart and gives me wide eyes. “And did you hear what he said about your kid? Ugh. Fucking swoon. Never knew he had it in him.” She goes back to watching him out t
he window. “What I wouldn’t give for a man like that,” she finishes on a murmur.

  And I have an internal battle in that moment. Because there’s still a big part of me that knows I have emotions to deal with when it comes to Andrew. Apart from him being Jones’ father, he was also the only man I’ve ever had in my life. He put me through the wringer, but he was all I knew.

  But separate from that part of me, nestled into a tiny little place in my heart, is a tiny bit of hope that I can have a good man some day, a better man.

  A man like Cole.

  And with every interaction we have, where he treats me with respect and thoughtfulness, that bit of hope roots deeper into my soul, like the barely living vine after a fire. It needs attention and love to grow, but it’s there.

  And that’s something.

  «««« »»»»

  Me: Hey, it’s Annie

  Cole: Hey! Thanks. Now I have your number.

  Me: Yep. Don’t be afraid to use it. Especially if you realize you need someone to swim in your pool for you while you’re out of town. I might know of a child who would be happy to help you out.

  Cole: Ha! Nice. I’ll definitely reach out if that’s the case.

  “And then he said that he was going to play with the Legos and that I could go play with the dollies. So I told him he was a dummyhead and that I didn’t want to play with stupid girl toys.”

  Jones chatters on and on about his amazing time at daycare. Although, now that I’m listening fully and not focused on a text message from Cole, I realize what he’s saying.

  “You know, Jones, there’s nothing wrong with playing with the dolls. If you don’t like them, that’s okay. But they aren’t girl toys. They’re just toys. And you can play with any of them.”