Like You Mean It

by Jillian Liota

  “Awesome. Does it involve me not cooking?” she asks.

  “Yes.”

  “Then lets do it. I don’t care whose house we’re going to. I don’t even care if they have a turkey. I’ll eat a tofurkey as long as I don’t have to cook.”

  I laugh. “It’s at Cole’s. His parents invited us. You too. It’s gonna be a big thing. I figure I can bring a dessert and we’ll be good.”

  My mom nods. “I couldn’t imagine anything more perfect than meeting your future in-laws at a holiday meal.”

  I scoff and give her a frustrated look. She just waggles her eyebrows at me. “I’m gonna read with the munchkin here. Can you throw us together some lunch?”

  I groan and stand slowly, careful not to put too much strain on any one part of my body. If the back incident taught me anything, it is that I am thisclose to falling apart and need to tread very, very carefully.

  “I’m on it.”

  I head into the kitchen and make some sandwiches. Then, I grab my phone to check if I have any messages. Nothing.

  I wonder if I should check with Cole about tomorrow. Make sure it is okay with him, not just his parents. I consider it for only a second before deciding it’s the respectful thing to do.

  Me: Your parents invited me, Jones and my mom to dinner tomorrow for Thanksgiving. Is that okay?

  Within just a few seconds, the bubble pops up to indicate he’s typing. But then it goes away. Then it pops up again. Then disappears. After a few minutes goes by with no indication that he’s going to respond, I decide the adult thing to do would be to just bow out. Clearly I made him uncomfortable or did something I shouldn’t have, so I send him another message.

  Me: Hey, I don’t know what’s going on, but I obviously did something to make you want to avoid me. I’m sorry for whatever it was. We will do our own thing tomorrow. I don’t want to make things awkward for your family. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday together.

  Then I set my phone down and head outside with sandwiches.

  «««« »»»»

  We spend the majority of the afternoon at my mom’s, then order a cheap-o pizza and watch The Incredibles with Jones. He was so excited to see the second one, but then I realized he’d never seen the first one because it came out before he was even a thought in my mind. Now we’ve seen them both, but he likes the first one better.

  I like to think I raised him right.

  We finally leave my mom’s around 8, so when we get home, I take Jones straight into the house and have him take a bath and get ready for bed. He protests the entire time about not being tired, then falls asleep two seconds after his head hits the pillow.

  I take the much needed solitude time to myself, grabbing a new book out of a box of books that still need to be put into a bookshelf. But I don’t have a bookshelf, so a box it is. I tried to do some better decorating and reorganizing of the living room after we painted the walls, and I think I did a pretty good job. But I’m still limited by what furniture I currently own.

  Hopefully, people feel generous around the holidays and I can find something cool at the Salvation Army next week.

  I’m just settling into the only corner of the futon that feels comfortable with my book and a mug of tea when there’s a knock at the door.

  I push my huge body out of my spot and totter over to the door, looking through the peep hole before opening it on a sigh.

  “Hey,” I say, my voice cautious. “What’s up?”

  “I haven’t been avoiding you,” he says, with no preamble whatsoever.

  I give him a skeptical look that says I call bullshit.

  “Okay, so maybe I was avoiding you a little. But I just, I felt bad after what happened with Marcus.”

  “Some one else is an asshole, so you avoid me?” I ask, my face scrunching to express my confusion.

  “I know. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.”

  I’m nearly bowled over by how simply he said it. Andrew and I were together for almost 8 years, and getting him to apologize for anything was like pulling teeth. Or, maybe harder than that. Like pulling shark teeth. I was sure I was going to get ripped to shreds if I even implied he was at fault for something.

  But Cole does it with barely any prompting? What world is this?

  “Thank you,” I say.

  We’re both silent, and then he starts laughing a little bit.

  “That was probably the easiest conclusion to doing something wrong I’ve ever experienced,” he says.

  I give him a smile.

  “So, will you guys come over for Thanksgiving tomorrow? It’ll be great. I want you to meet my sister and her husband, Ted.”

  I nod, excited about being welcomed into this group of people who are just so warm and caring.

  “Yeah. We’ll be there. What time?”

  “Four.”

  “Sounds perfect.”

  Cole says goodbye and steps down from my front door and heads over to his house.

  And that’s when I see it. Jess’ blue Mustang parked in Cole’s driveway.

  For a split second there, I forgot. I forgot that Cole is dating Jess. That his family isn’t mine. That this holiday is about them and that I’m an extra, a spare, a tagalong.

  It was a beautiful high, there for a second. And I hate what it feels like to fall from it.

  «««« »»»»

  “Come on in!”

  Sammy’s welcoming face at the door makes my heart twist. She is one of those amazing women that knows how to make everyone around her feel like they are the most important person in the room. It’s a gift to be able to give such focus and attention to every person you talk to. I always struggle with that. I get stuck on something that gets said and then think about what I want to say, and then miss out on the second half of the conversation.

  Andrew used to tell me that I should just be quiet when we went out with other couples for dinner or to business functions. I tried to be a good host, a good wife – even though I never was – but even when his parents visited us for the holidays, it was never enough.

  Cole’s mom opens her arms and envelopes me in a massive hug.

  “And this must be your mama!” Sammy turns and goes to give my mom a hug. I start to tell her not to, since my mom isn’t a big hugger. But to my surprise, my mom gives Sammy a big hug.

  “It is so great to meet the woman who raised such a fantastic young man,” my mom says once Sammy pulls away. “Cole has been such a good neighbor to my Annie. You clearly taught him right.”

  Sammy blushes. Straight up blushes.

  “Jones,” I say, bending down slightly and handing him the plate of cookies. “Go put these on the food table and say hello to Cole, okay?”

  Jones takes off for the kitchen.

  “Walk please!” I shout after him.

  That boy is going to knock over whoever holds the turkey, today. I just know it.

  “Oh, hi Annie. I didn’t realize you were coming today.”

  Jess’ voice is like nails on a chalkboard, and her poorly veiled implication that she didn’t want me here is too obvious to miss. But I turn with a smile on my face and aim it her way.

  “Hey Jess!” I head in her direction and give her a hug. I can feel how stiff and uncomfortable she is receiving this hug from me, which makes the whole thing even better. Should I feel bad about making her uncomfortable? Yes. It’s not her fault she nabbed the prize stallion. But do I care? Not at all. She’s been nothing but a bitch to me since day 1. “I haven’t seen you in a few weeks. How are things?”

  She gives me a tight smile. “Things are good. Really good.” She turns her head as Cole walks into the room and gives him a bright smile, sticking her hand out to indicate he should flock to her side.

  “Hey Annie. Glad you could make it.” Cole’s smile for me is much more genuine, and I relax slightly as he walks over to where Jess and I are standing near the entry.

  “Well, now that we’re all here, lets jump on that turkey!” Sammy say
s, lifting her hands in the air and giving a few snaps. Then she loops her arm in mine. “Gary is the turkey king, just so you know.” She adds as we enter the kitchen, and Gary rolls his eyes when he hears her.

  “Oh wow,” I say, slapping a hand against my chest. “I didn’t realize we were dining with royalty tonight. Thanks for the heads up.”

  Gary points a finger at me with a teasing face, and we break into laughter.

  “Alright, everyone! Gather round!” Gary shouts out, clapping his hands together and letting his voice carry into the backyard and through the house. Everyone’s voices drop and a few people come in through the patio door. “Lets do a quick round of introductions so we all feel acquainted.”

  A handful of groans sound out, followed by a few giggles.

  “I’m Gary, this is my lovely wife Sammy. We are Cole and Callie’s parents.”

  And then the introductions go in a circle as we all introduce ourselves.

  “I’m Callie. Cole’s sister. And that guy over there drinking Natty Light because he’s classy like that is my amazing husband Ted.”

  “Heyyyyyy,” Ted says, and everyone laughs.

  “I’m Alex. I work with Cole.”

  “Rod. Alex’s brother and I used to work with Cole.”

  “Lucia. These two are my brothers and they drag me along everywhere. I don’t even like Cole.”

  More laughter.

  “I’m Marybeth, my daughter lives next door to Cole.”

  I wave and give a smile. “I’m Annie. The neighbor. And this is my son Jones.”

  “And I’m Jones! I’m Cole’s best friend.”

  There’s a smattering of awwww’s in the room, mostly from the women. Cole gives a kind smile to Jones. I notice Jess looks like she’s smelled a fart. Well. How unfortunate to be standing where she is.

  A few more friends of Cole’s introduce themselves, followed by a handful of family that don’t get the memo and reference how they’re related to Gary, not Cole.

  Then we get to almost the end of the circle.

  “Hey everyone. I’m Cole.”

  Then he looks to his left, at Jess, who should be next to introduce herself.

  And she gives him the iciest glare I’ve ever seen.

  There’s a deep pause. A very awkward one, where everyone is waiting to see what happens next. Are we going into prayer? Is a brawl gonna break out? Straight to the food?

  But then Cole speaks up again.

  “And this is Jess. My girlfriend.”

  Another pause.

  “Alright!” Gary claps his hands together again. “Lets all grab plates. Serve yourselves. Sit where you’re comfortable. This is nothing formal. Enjoy your meal!”

  And then everyone is moving around grabbing plates, utensils, more drinks, napkins, and shoving as much food on their plates as possible.

  I tell Jones to sit on the couch, and then dive back into the kitchen for food. One of the perks about being pregnant is that everyone gets out of your way. So I take advantage of the parting of the red sea and grab all the food I need for me and Jones, then head back over, finding Jones sitting next to Sammy on the floor.

  I follow her lead and take a seat on the plush carpet, leaning my back comfortably against the foot of the massive couch that flanks the back wall of Cole’s living room.

  “This turkey is delicious Gary,” my mom calls out from where she sits on a chair a few feet away.

  Gary gives her a thumbs up from the kitchen, and then goes back to helping people get their plates sorted out and packed high with food.

  “If you like his turkey, you should taste his beef brisket,” Cole says, walking into the room with Jess trailing in his wake, desperate for his attention.

  And then I chide myself. I’ve been pretty snippy towards her in my mind. It’s not my fault I’m attracted to Cole and he’s taken. But it’s not her fault that she found him first. It’s not her fault that this amazing man is happy with her and wants a future with her.

  “Sounds delicious,” my mom says.

  “It’s amazing,” Sammy says. “It’s the only thing better than Cole’s tacos.” Then she looks at me. “We had tacos for dinner a few weeks ago, right? We should do brisket next time.”

  I smile, and I’m about to tell her that sounds great, when Jess’ voice draws my attention.

  “She’s had dinner with your parents?”

  I look over, my carefree expression falling when I see the look Jess is giving Cole. This isn’t jealousy. This is plain old-fashioned hurt. But before Cole can say anything, Jess sets her plate down on a side table and walks out of the room. This time, it’s Cole that’s trailing behind.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  COLE

  “I know you think I’m overreacting.” She says it before I’ve even gotten close to her. Before I’ve even actually fully decided what it is I’m going to say.

  I let out a sigh and hop up next to where she’s sitting on the bed of Alex’s truck, with the tail dropped, her long legs dangling over the edge.

  “I don’t,” I say, surprising myself. “I completely understand why you’re upset.”

  She looks over at me. “You were supposed to start bringing me around your family. Not her.” She lifts her hands and lets them fall down and slap her thighs. “How did that even happen?”

  I shrug. “My parents got back from Florida and we had plans for dinner. Annie was outside and I just… invited them.”

  Even saying it out loud like that, I realize I’m not being completely honest. I saw Annie and couldn’t not invite her. The idea of her meeting my parents? I wanted that. I knew they’d get along and that my mom would love Jones.

  “You barely know her. And I’m your girlfriend.” She punctuates it by pointing at herself.

  I sigh. “I know you’re my girlfriend.”

  “Really? Because it sure seems like you have another girlfriend that lives next door. You have her over to hang out with your family. You barbeque together. You take her kid to bike shows. What’s next? You gonna help her renovate her house?”

  I wince, and Jess narrows her eyes, then starts shaking her head.

  “Do you understand why this bothers me?”

  The silence between us is painful. Because I don’t have an answer that will make her happy. Do I understand why it bothers her? Yes. Objectively, I can understand why she wouldn’t want her boyfriend spending time with another woman. I get that. And I can even see how the depth of care I have for Annie and her son are borderline inappropriate.

  But the truth is that, even though I understand it bothers her, I don’t care enough to stop.

  ”I think we need to take some time apart,” she whispers. “Lets take a week or two. Really think about whether this… between us… is what we still want. Because I’m gonna be honest, Cole, I can’t be in a relationship with someone who is in a relationship with someone else.”

  And then she gets up and walks away.

  I stay sitting on the bed of Alex’s truck long after she’s gone in, collected her purse and overnight bag, said goodbye, and left to go to her mom’s. Or at least, I’m assuming that’s where she went.

  I lay myself back so I’m staring up into the twilight. This is usually my favorite time of day. As the sun goes down. There’s something about it that makes me feel like I’m gonna get another chance.

  There’s a quote that I keep in my wallet by Ralph Waldo Emerson. It’s a tiny little business card that says “Every sunset brings the promise of a new dawn.”

  For a big chunk of my life, I lived day-to-day, never thinking about the future, only the present. I enjoyed my day, and then moved on to the next one. It worked for me at the time, and so did that quote in the context that you always get another chance to start over.

  But as I got older, I realized that living day-to-day wasn’t satisfying anymore. The early sparkings of that feeling allowed me to save up to buy Hector’s business, then to buy a house, then to kick Maxine to the curb instead of conti
nuing on in a relationship that wasn’t giving me enough.

  And even though that quote is still true, and can still be encouraging within the context of beginning anew tomorrow, I don’t know if it really suits me anymore. I can’t only be thinking about what’s good for me now, or even just what’s good for me alone. I have to think bigger. Because my life, my actions, my words, my feelings – they have a significant impact on other people.

  People like Jess.

  And Annie.

  And definitely Jones.

  I feel something for Annie. Something that has a purity to it that I didn’t know I could feel.

  But Alex’s words ring true in my head. Do I have a savior complex? Am I only interested because I can save her from something? Do I have to be the knight in constant search of a damsel in distress?

  I don’t want to be that person, who just flits from person to person, saying the grass is always greener somewhere else. Because it isn’t. I’ve never agreed with that saying, or the fact that so many people live their lives always in search of what will make them happier than they are now.

  It’s one of the huge reasons why people get divorced, or cheat, or gamble, or steal. And I know it’s unfair to equate all of those things with each other. There are obviously good reasons to get divorced, as well as unfair ones, bad ones, and on and on. And I know plenty of people who made stupid decisions early in life, made changes and are now happy.

  But for me, and what I want out of my life… I don’t want to always be searching for something that’s better. I want to find a good fit and stick with it. Not because I’m settling. But because I’ve seen what type of love can grow out of a long-term relationship.

  My mom and Gary are the example I’m lucky enough to have. I see them love each other more and more as time passes. They understand new things about each other. Mom once told me that she thought the day she married Gary was the day she’d love him the most. But that she was wrong. She said she loves him more every. Single. Day. And that she can’t believe the depth of love she’s capable of having for another person.