Like You Mean It

by Jillian Liota

  “Alright. See you soon,” and then I hang up, not even waiting on her response.

  It’s not even 9am yet, but I walk straight into the living room and grab the whiskey off my wet bar, pouring myself two fingers, eyeing it, then adding a third.

  This is not going to go well.

  Even though I just took a shower before heading to the hospital, there’s something about the way it smells that just sticks to your every pore, so I opt to rinse off again.

  Just as I’m hopping out, she walks into the bathroom.

  “Hey baby,” she says, leaning a hip against the doorway, a seductive smile on her face.

  I quickly grab a towel and wrap it around my waist.

  “Can you give me a minute?” I say, and her smile falters just a bit before she pushes it wider on her face.

  She pushes away from the doorjamb and walks to me, a small sway in her steps, that little smirk on her face. Before I can do anything to stop her, she throws her arms around my shoulders and gives me a deep, wet kiss.

  I pull back, a little stunned at her actions.

  “What’s wrong?” she asks, her hand reaching down and palming me where I’m jutting out from between my thighs.

  I let out a moan, unable to stop my body’s physical response to her touch even though it’s the last thing I want right now. It takes everything in me to ignore my body’s need to thrust into her hand. I grip her wrist and pull her hand back, gritting my teeth.

  “What’s the problem?” she asks, a look of confusion coloring her face. “You were rock solid in my hand,” she says. “I hardly believe you’re not in the mood.”

  “This coming from a woman who says women are never asking for it. The fact I’m hard doesn’t mean I want sex right now, Jess. I dealt with a child I care about almost dying this morning. That’s the problem.”

  She rolls her eyes.

  Rolls. Her. Fucking. Eyes.

  “It sounds like he was fine and you just took him to the hospital as a precaution, right?”

  I continue to just stare at her, my resolve at ending things growing by the second. I’ve always known Jess isn’t a huge bleeding heart. That’s one of the things that attracted me to her. She’s a badass.

  But being a badass doesn’t mean you have to be heartless.

  When I don’t respond and instead walk into the bedroom to change, she takes that as an opportunity to launch into what is apparently a pretty well prepared speech.

  “So, I’ve been thinking,” she starts. “A few weekends ago, I went to that women’s retreat. It was pretty amazing. We went to Palomar Mountain and stayed on this gorgeous little property with a big house and all these little cabins. But most importantly, we talked about empowering each other as women. It was just so affirming.”

  I smile just slightly as I tug on my boxers, even though I’m not in a happy mood. Affirming is one of Jess’ new favorite words, and she likes to throw it into every conversation we have.

  “And the biggest thing we talked about was taking chances and going after what we want.” She steps forward, her hands twisting together. “My work is going to transfer me, and if I request a specific spot – say, Pasadena, maybe – they’re pretty likely to let me go where I want since I have seniority.”

  I stare at her, not saying a word, pretty sure I’m understanding her correctly, but hoping that I’m not.

  “What?”

  “I know I said we should think things over. But I think the main issue is that I live in San Diego. If I live here, with you, I think those problems we’re having will just…” she pauses. “I think it’s the right time. For us.”

  My throat literally closes up and I don’t have a response for her. She’s offering to pick up and relocate her entire life for me, and I… can’t believe how far apart we are on where this relationship is headed.

  “Cole?” she says at my too long silence.

  “I think we should break up.”

  The minute the words are out of my mouth, I feel like a massive fifty-pound weight has fallen from my shoulders.

  But then at least twenty pounds crawls right back onto my back when I see Jess’ face. She’s shell-shocked. Just totally had the wind knocked out of her. And I can’t feel relief at that, regardless of how thankful I will feel once this is finally over.

  I honestly wonder if she’s ever had someone break up with her before, because she looks like she has been whacked in the stomach with a bat.

  “I don’t… what?” she finally says, leaning back against the wall near the bedroom door. “I tell you I want to move here and be with you, and you want to break up?”

  I let out a sigh and take a seat on the edge of my bed, looking at her square in the face.

  “I just think we want very different things, and I don’t think we’re right for each other.” I scratch my beard, cursing myself for letting it grow out. The shit itches.

  “You said we should think about where we’re going. Whether this relationship is what we want anymore. Whether it fits us anymore. And this morning, I finally realized what I want. And this just… isn’t working for me anymore.”

  She just stares at me for a second, and I realize too late that her mind has been crawling over my every word, trying to find hidden meaning. The last thing I want to do is tell her that I’ve been falling for Annie since the minute she showed up in a complete mess a few weeks ago, even though I didn’t really realize it until recently. Or that knowing Annie and Jones has quantified life in a different way than I knew existed, put everything about life into a different perspective.

  But it looks like it doesn’t matter if that’s something I’m withholding. It’s something she’s trying to figure out anyway.

  “This morning?”

  I stay silent.

  “You said this morning I realized what I want. So you want Annie.”

  I let out another sigh, but don’t answer right away. It’s a hard thing to explain, and I want to find the right words. But how do you tell someone that you’re not breaking up with them for a guaranteed relationship with someone else? That you’re breaking up with them instead for the potential at happiness you never knew existed, but also for the potential of heartbreak?

  “It is. What the fuck, Cole? Are you fucking serious right now? You’re breaking up with me for that crazy pregnant lady next door? I know you care about her, but come on.”

  I clench my fists. I knew I’d have to deal with some sort of rage from her about this, and I thought I was prepared. You don’t date and break up with a woman like Jess without knowing you’ll be dealing with a lot of attitude.

  But I wasn’t prepared for her to rip into Annie. Annie who has only ever been kind and sweet to Jess, even as she treated Annie with disdain and dismissive dislike.

  “I’m not breaking up with you for Annie, Jess.”

  “Don’t fucking lie to me, Cole!” she shouts.

  “Jess, I’m telling you right now, I am not breaking up with you for Annie.” I pause. “I do have feelings for Annie. When or how they developed, I don’t really know. But she’s not the reason I want to break up.”

  Jess’ eyes well with tears.

  “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” she asks.

  I run a hand through my hair.

  “It means that the fact I want to break up isn’t about Annie. It’s about us. I don’t even know if anything will happen where Annie is concerned. She doesn’t know how I feel, okay? I want to break up because I know that, you and me? We don’t work anymore. We’re just… different people.”

  The tears in her eyes fall and she runs her hands quickly underneath to wipe them away.

  “Why are we not happy enough for you?” she whispers. “How did I not make you happy enough?”

  I stand from the bed and walk towards her, making sure I’m looking her dead in the eye.

  “It’s not about you not making me happy enough, Jess. I’ve loved so many of the moments we’ve had in this relationship. You are beaut
iful, and smart.” I pause, wondering if I’m revealing too much, but then deciding to just bare it all. “One day – and I know you’ll hate me for saying this – one day, you will find someone who makes you feel the way being around Annie makes me feel. And you’ll just… know. There is something bigger and deeper out there for you. Just like there is for me.”

  Tears stream down her face.

  “And I don’t mean something enough, okay? You are more than enough. But think about it this way. You and I are two puzzle pieces in a picture of the sky. We might both be blue, and look like we fit together, but there are other pieces we are supposed to fit with. Pieces that will fit us better and make more sense. But we won’t find those if we keep trying to force this to work.”

  She lets out a sigh, closes her eyes and rests her head against the wall she’s leaning against.

  “I hate that I know what you mean,” she says, then breaks into a sob. “And I hate you for pointing it out.” She stands there crying for a few seconds, then takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. She opens her eyes and glares at me, her brow furrowed and her face contorted in anger. She slowly stands up straight then, clearly biting back some of her disappointment, letting her disdain for me come to the forefront. “So I’m going to keep hating you for a while.”

  I give her a nod and a sad smile, and then she storms out of the room, down the hall to the guest room, and slams the door.

  A tiny part of me wants to worry she’s going to smash mirrors and steal stuff. But in reality, I know she’s licking her wounds and probably starting to pack up her shit.

  And that twenty-pound weight that made it’s way back up onto my body falls off and lands loudly at my feet.

  All I feel is relief.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  ANNIE

  I look at Jones, nestled snuggly in bed, his eyes closed and his body still. He may have looked like he was hopped up on a million pounds of sugar when he was at the hospital, but his little body is exhausted after the trauma of the morning.

  “Don’t worry at all,” Carly had told me when I called her a few hours ago. I was already two hours late for my shift, but I had been so distracted by what was going on with Jones that I couldn’t focus on anything until we were getting ready to for him to be discharged. “I figured something rough had come up. Go ahead and spend some time with your boy. Lets start a fresh week on Monday. Sound good?”

  I don’t know what I did in a previous life to deserve such a sweetie as a boss, especially with out plans for the holidays coming up so soon, but I feel incredibly thankful to be able to sit at home with Jones today and for the next few days rather than try to set him up with my mom or at the daycare. I would have been worthless, trying to keep track of things and remember information when my mind is just focused entirely on this little monster that I love so much.

  I leave the door cracked open and wander aimlessly into the living room. My eyes bounce around, looking at the shabby carpet, the chipped linoleum in the kitchen and the blinds that hang haphazardly over the window that looks towards the yard. I hate this house. It seems ridiculous to focus on the house, but my mom always said your brain tries to zoom in on things that are under your control when you’re in crisis, so I guess it makes sense.

  I might not own this house, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try to make it homey, livelier, a warmer place for me and Jones to live, and then Diana once she gets here.

  Movement in the front catches my eye and I look out the window through the crooked blinds. Jess, walking out to her car, carrying her luggage. She sure does bring a lot of stuff with her for her trips to visit Cole.

  Then Cole appears walking down his steps and out to the drive, rolling a suitcase and carrying a few duffel bags.

  Wait – I thought she left yesterday?

  I watch for another second as they pack her things in her trunk and backseat. And then when they turn to talk to each other, I do what any normal person would do. Give them privacy.

  Ha. Like that’s real.

  I definitely crack that window a smidge and secretly watch them.

  “Let me know when you get home?” Cole says after loading up her trunk and slamming it closed.

  Jess nods, and it’s then I notice for the first time that her face is angled down. Every interaction I’ve had with her, she’s been this proud, mighty force of confidence. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so downcast.

  Cole steps closer to her and sighs, then pulls her in for a hug. Jess just stands there for a second before she wraps her arms around his waist and squeezes.

  When she pushes back she wipes her eyes, then gives him a brave smile.

  “Good luck with everything, Cole.”

  “You too, Jessie.”

  Then she walks around to the driver’s side, gets in and drives away.

  Cole stays standing there for a few minutes, just watching the direction she drove off in. His shoulders are slumped, his hands shoved in his pockets. Even though I can’t see his face, his posture hints that he’s sad, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen that on him before.

  I take a step away from the window, feeling a little guilty for being an eavesdropper when my friend is hurting. And I know in this moment I can do one of two things. I can slink away and go to the back of the house, take a shower, get into some jammies and wait for Jones to wake up. Or…

  Or…

  I can suck up my insecurity and be a good friend.

  I walk over to the front door and open it wide, pushing the security gate open as well. It makes a creaking noise that captures Cole’s attention, and he turns his head to look at me.

  “You okay?” I ask, leaning a hip against the doorjamb.

  He gives me a tight smile. “I should be asking you that. And Jones.”

  I give him a little shrug. “It’s okay for us to both be having a shitty day at the same time, you know? Neither of us has to be the savior all the time.”

  His eyes smile at me. Not his mouth, just his eyes. They take on this brightness, this quality I’ve never seen before. It reminds me of a fire when it’s snowing in Winnetka. Warm and welcoming.

  “I know it’s a million degrees outside, but do you want some coffee?”

  He glances back down the road, then takes a deep breath. Then he looks back at me and gives a nod.

  “I’d love some.”

  «««« »»»»

  I’m stirring creamer into Cole’s coffee in a comfortable silence when Jones comes out into the living room, sleepy-eyed and wearing just his underwear.

  “Hey, little man. How you feeling?”

  Cole’s question has Jones perking up, his eyes scanning the room before coming to rest where Cole stands at the kitchen bar. Because I don’t have bar stools.

  Jones gives him a big smile, but it does nothing to hide how tired he is.

  “I’m hungry,” he says, wandering past Cole and straight to me, wrapping his arms around my leg as I pass coffee to Cole.

  I slowly squat down to his height, careful to not move too quickly because of the guppy, and run my fingers through his bed hair.

  “What sounds good for some lunch, mister?”

  He shrugs.

  “How about I make you a grilled cheese and you can go watch TV?”

  He nods and wanders over to the living room, looking every bit the exhausted child. I look away from him and give Cole a smile, finding his eyes already watching me.

  “I won’t be surprised if he’s back asleep before I even finish making this,” I say with a whisper.

  Cole strains to give a small smile, but it falls quickly from his face as he focuses on his coffee. I take that as my cue and turn to grab cheese and bread from the fridge.

  “Sorry for leaving so abruptly,” he says.

  “That’s okay. You’d already done so much, I figured you had somewhere you needed to be.”

  When I glance over, I see he’s shaking his head just slightly. “Nah, I just… well, Jess and I broke up this m
orning. I had to go talk to her.”

  My mouth drops open. “Oh my gosh,” I say, crossing the kitchen in two strides and reaching across the peninsula to rest my hand on top of his. “I am so sorry, Cole.”

  He gives me a smile that looks more like a grimace than anything positive. When I return to the counter where the cheese and bread are waiting, I try to toss a casual question over my shoulder. “So what happened?”

  The minute I ask, I feel like an ass. The last thing he wants to do is rehash what he just went through this morning. And I’m clearly only asking because I’m a nosey busybody, just like my mom. All I can say is that I came by it honestly.

  “We…” he starts, but then stops. When I look at him I see he seems to be struggling for words, his eyes latched on mine. Then he looks back at his coffee. “It just wasn’t right. We both want something else.”

  Okay, so a vague answer is what I’m getting. A small part of me wishes he’d give me all of the dirty details. But then I kick myself. The last thing I want to do is give everyone the nitty gritty about what happened with Andrew and me. I’m sure Cole doesn’t want to talk about what happened with Jess. And that needs to be okay.

  “Well, I’m the last person who should ever give relationship advice, so I doubt I can be of any solace or comfort right now.” I huff out an awkward laugh as I place the sandwich in the pan and start to grill it. The popping sounds help break up the silence a bit. “But I’ve done a lot of reflection after Andrew, and even though I don’t make the best choices about relationships, I can say definitively now that sometimes, the best thing you can do for yourself is be alone for a while. The very first relationship you have is with yourself, and if you can’t love you and treat you with the respect and care you deserve, no one else will. I learned that from firsthand experience.”

  “What happened? Between you and Andrew, I mean. I feel like I’ve been getting these bits and pieces, and to be honest, it sounds like he didn’t treat you and Jones right.” When I glance over, he grimaces. “And now I feel like a dick. You’re not supposed to speak ill of the dead.”