Susan Clegg and a Man in the House

by Anne Warner

  CHAPTER XIV

  ADVISABILITY OF NEWSPAPER EXPOSURES

  "Well, I don't know I'm sure what I _am_ goin' to do with Elijah," saidSusan Clegg to her friend one evening. "He's just as restless in hisideas as he is in bed, an' he's not content in bed without untuckin'everythin' at the foot. I hate a bed as is kicked out at the foot an' Ihate a man as makes a woman have to put the whole bed together again newevery mornin'. I'm sure I don't see no good to come of kickin' nightsan' I've talked to Elijah about layin' still till I should think hecould n't but see how right I am an' how wrong he is, but still he goesright on kickin', an' now he's got it into his head as he's got to turnthe town topsy-turvy by findin' out suthin' wrong as we'd rather notknow, an' makin' us very uncomfortable by knowin' it, an' knowin' as nowwe know it we've got to do suthin' about it, an' that seems to make himkick more than ever."

  "Dear--" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop.

  "He set on the porch for an hour with me last night," Susan went on,"tryin' to think o' suthin' as he could expose in the paper. He says apaper ain't nothin' nowadays without it's exposin' suthin, an' a townain't fit to have a paper if it ain't got nothin' to expose in it. Hesays no closet without some skeleton, an' he should think we'd haveours, an' in the end he talked so much that I could n't but feel for alittle as maybe he was right an' as we _was_ behind the times, for whenyou come to think it over, Mrs. Lathrop, nothin' ever does happen hereas had n't ought to happen--not since Mr. Shores' wife run off with hisclerk, an' that wa'n't no great happenin', for they could n't standsittin' on the piazza much longer--every one could see that--an' Mrs.Shores wasn't one to have any man but her own husband comin' in an' outo' the house at all hours, an' so if she'd got to the point where shewanted a man as wasn't her own husband comin' in an' out, she just hadto up an' run away with him, an' I never have been one to say no ill ofher, for I look on Mr. Shores with a cool an' even eye, an' lookin' onMr. Shores with a cool an' even eye leads me to fully an' freely approveof every thin' as his wife ever done."

  "I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Yes, I know it, an' that's why I speak as I do. But Elijah seems tothink as suthin' else ought to of happened since then, an' he asked meif I didn't know of nothin' as was bein' tried to be covered up as hecould uncover, an' I really did try to think of suthin' but nobody evercovers up nothin' here. Nobody could if they wanted to. Everybody knowseverythin' about everybody. We all know about Lucy an' Hiram, 'causeGran'ma Mullins is always tellin' her side an' Hiram's side, an' Lucyis always tellin' her side an' Hiram's other side. Gran'ma Mullins sayswhen she sees a man like Hiram havin' to devote his strength an' hisSundays to catchin' water-bugs, she most feels she's been a mother invain, an' Lucy says when she realizes as she's married a man as can't beput to no better use Sundays than catchin' water-bugs, she ain't got nodoubt at all as to what she's married. Lucy's gettin' very bitter aboutmarriage; she says when she thinks as she may be picked out for a goldenweddin' she feels like tyin' balloons to her feet an' goin' out an'standin' on her head in the crick. Elijah asked me if maybe she was n'tin love with some one else as he could just notice in general kind o'terms, but I told him he did n't know what Lucy Dill was on men now asHiram has got her eyes open. Why, Lucy don't believe no more in love a_tall_. Lucy says if she was rid of men an' left on a desert islandalone, with one cow, so she could have eggs an' milk toast regular,she'd never watch for no ship, an' if a ship heaved up anywhere near,she'd heave down so quick that if any one on the ship had seen herthey'd think they imagined her afore they'd get ready to go to herrescue. Elijah shook his head then, an' trailed off to Polly Allen; hesaid there must be thirty-five years between Polly an' the deacon, an'could n't suthin' be hinted at about them. That set me to wonderin', an'it's really very strange when you come to think of it, Mrs. Lathrop, howcontented Polly is. I don't believe they've ever had a word. He does thecookin' an' washin' the same as he always did, an' lets her do anythin'else she pleases, an' they say she's always very obligin' about doin'it.

  "So then Elijah crossed his legs the other way, an' asked if there wasn't anythin' bigger as could be looked into, but every one knows Hiramis the biggest man anywhere around here, so that was no use. He askedthen if we did n't have a poorhouse or a insane asylum or aslaughter-house or suthin' as he could show up in red ink. He saidsomebody must be doin' suthin' as they had n't ought to be doin'somewhere, an' it was both his virtue an' his business to print allabout it. He says exposin' is the very life o' the newspaper business,an' you can't be nothin' nowadays without you expose. He seemed to feelvery much put out about us not bein' able to be exposed, an' I could n'thelp a kind o' hurt feelin' as it was really so.

  "But what can I do, Mrs. Lathrop, I did n't know of nothin'? We ain'tgot no place to do anythin' except in the square an' nobody never doesnothin' without everybody knows that day or the next mornin' at thelatest. I don't believe as anybody could have a secret with anybody inthis town 'cause you'd know very well as if you did n't get 'roundpretty quick an' tell it first the other one would be gettin' ahead o'you an' tellin' it before you. Of course I could see Elijah's drift allright. Them city papers has turned his head completely just as they doeverybody else's when they first get a new idea. Elijah wants us to beeatin' bluing for blueberries an' cats for calves jus' so he can be thefirst to tell us about it, but there ain't a cat in town as ain't toowell known for anybody to eat without knowin' it, an' as for bluing, ifanybody can feed it to me for blueberries it's me as is the fool an'them as is n't, an' that's my views.

  "I'll tell you what it is, Mrs. Lathrop, I ain't got no great sympathywith this new idea o' keepin' us all stirred up over how awful thingsis. I won't say as I approved when that man in Chicago made sausage outo' his wife 'cause he was tired o' her, but I will say as if Lucy seeher chance at Hiram that way I ain't sure as she could restrain herself.Hiram's perfectly healthy an' could be depended upon not to disagreewith no one in sausage to anythin' like the extent Lucy disagrees withhim, an' Gran'ma Mullins is so tired of hearin' 'em quarrel that Iain't prepared to say as she'd rebel at anythin' as sent Lucy back toher father.

  "Elijah went on to tell me a lot about insurance an' railroads, but allabout insurance an' railroads is 'way beyond my interest an' 'way beyondthe understandin' of every one else here, an' nobody's goin' to remembera thing about any of it a year from now anyhow. That's the trouble withthis country,--they don't remember nothin',--everybody forgetseverythin' before the month is out. Most of the people never thinks o'San Francisco now, an' as for that fire they had in Baltimore, it's asdead as Moses.

  "That's the advantage the rest of the country has over us when it comesto exposin'. They can expose an' expose, an' all the folks who readabout it forget an' forget, but here in this community it's differentan' you can't count on _our_ forgettin' things a _tall_, an' if Elijahwas turned loose I'll venture to say every last one o' them paperswould be saved until doomsday. I know that an' knowin' that I verycarefully restrain him. There's a many as knows as Mr. Kimball's driedapples is often very under rate, an' a many others as knows whose deadcat that was as Mrs. Sweet had to bury after vowin' she would n't tillshe smelt as she'd got to. Every last one of us knows what Dr. Browngets at the drug store when he asks for what he usually gets an' there'sa good many as thinks as Mrs. Macy goes to Meadville more on a'count o'Dr. Carter than to see her cousin, Mrs. Lupey. But I was n't goin' toset Elijah swimmin' in any such deep water. Elijah is a young man an'the age to go wrong easy, an' when that age see how easy it is to gowrong they're nothin' but foolish if they waste another second goin'right, so if Elijah wants to go to exposin' he'll have to get his stufffrom some one else beside me."

  "You--" said Mrs. Lathrop.

  "No, I don't say that," said Miss Clegg, "I'm only human after all an'I can't in conscience deny as I should like to see them as I don't likeshowed up just as much as any other man as is makin' a business ofshowin' up his neighbors, likes it. But I know I've got to live here an'it'd be very poor livin' for me after I'd aired myself by way o
f Elijah.There's a great difference between knowin' things all by yourself an'readin' 'em in the paper, an' I know as that dead cat would cause agreat deal o' hard feelin' in print, while buried by Mrs. Sweet it onlyhelps her garden grow. So I shall keep on talkin' as usual, but I shallhold Elijah out o' print an' so keep the country safe."

  "I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Oh, the paper'll do just as well," said Susan; "he's goin' to print onesheet as comes all printed from the city every week an' he says that'llput new zest in the thing. It'll be a great deal better to get the zestthat way than to get it exposin'. Zest is suthin' as is always safest agood ways off. Elijah saw that, too, afore he got done last night, forin his hitchin' about he hitched over the edge o' the piazza in theend."

  "Did--" cried Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Well, no," said Miss Clegg. "But he tore a lot of things an' smashed arose bush, but I did n't care about that. I just told him to leave 'emon a chair this mornin' an' I'd sew 'em all up again, an' I done it, an'as to the rose bush, I'll have him get another an' give it to me for apresent the next time I go to the city to pick it out myself."