by Harper Bliss
She dialed Katherine’s number and tapped her finger on the kitchen counter while it rang. Katherine didn’t pick up. Jessica could hardly blame her. Her phone was probably on silent. She had wondered if she and Liz were ever allowed to put their phone on silent—if even on Sunday mornings they should be reachable for the agency. Clearly not.
Or maybe Katherine was screening her calls. Maybe she’d been woken by the phone, had seen it was only Jessica calling, and had rolled over in bed.
Jessica made a cup of extra strong espresso and took it into the living room. She’d barely sat down when her phone rang. For a split second, she hoped it was Liz. She could have changed her mind overnight and wanted to spend Sunday together.
“Hey, Jess,” Katherine sounded very chirpy for a Sunday morning. “Sorry I didn’t pick up. I was in the shower.”
“You’re up early,” Jessica said.
“So are you,” Katherine replied. “It’s my turn to host brunch. You know how hard the gays are to impress.”
Jessica had heard about Katherine’s brunches, but she’d never attended one. She didn’t know that many gay men, to be honest. “I guess,” she said.
“What’s going on? Why are you calling me so early?”
Jessica sighed. “I wanted to ask if you were free for breakfast, but you’re not, so let’s get together some other time.”
“There are so many red flags in what you just said. I don’t even know where to start.”
“Liz and I broke up. Last night after we got back from dinner. I was being a right ass. I could use one of your pep talks.”
“Come to brunch,” Katherine said without hesitation. “It’ll take your mind off things at the very least.”
“I’m not sure I’m in the mood for that.”
“Of course you’re not in the mood, but it beats moping at home. Come a little early, we can have a chat while you help me scramble the eggs.” This made Jessica think of the eggs Liz had tried to scramble for her only a few days ago, when everything still seemed so full of hope.
“Okay, I’ll happily join you.” She paused. “Liz isn’t going to be there, is she?”
“No,” Katherine says. “Just you, me, and five fabulous gays.”
“Basically what you’re saying is that you can’t be with Liz,” Katherine stated matter-of-factly. Jessica wasn’t being much help preparing brunch, but she had stopped by a bakery and bought a dozen fresh rolls and a pavlova for dessert.
“That’s not really what I said.”
“Maybe not in so many words, but I can read between the lines, Jess.” Katherine stopped what she was doing and turned to Jessica, her hands on her sides. “Tell me honestly. Have you ever had a problem with our friendship?”
“What? No. You know that.”
“What if I don’t believe you?” There was a sudden edge to Katherine’s voice.
“Come on, Kat. I’ve known you for many years,” Jessica replied sharply. “There’s a big difference between being friends with someone and dating them.”
“You have to understand that Liz and I can’t be apologetic about what we do. Certainly not with potential love interests. That would put us in a position of weakness and well, let’s be honest, life’s already no fairytale for the likes of us. We get judged all the time. By our clients. By our friends, even the ones who know us well, because of preconceived notions. By our family, if we ever find the courage to tell them. By everyone who even gets an inkling of what we do. I think it’s normal Liz reacted the way she did, although I do think she could have been a bit more understanding about your feelings. It’s a tricky one.”
“I don’t blame her for how she reacted at all. I think I might have been channeling my father last night. Or I was subconsciously, and very much prematurely, dreading his possible reaction. Long before I would even think about taking Liz home. But my mind can’t help going there.”
“I asked you to really think about being with Liz. It’s not easy. Not everyone can do it. In fact, I dare say most people can’t deal with it. There’s no shame in being one of those people.”
Jessica shook her head. “But I don’t want to be one of those people.”
“Maybe you don’t get to choose.” Kat cocked her head. “You’re Edward Porter’s daughter, after all.”
“Ouch.” Jessica blew out some air.
“The truth hurts.” Katherine apparently really meant what she’d just said.
“You think I’m someone who can’t be with a woman who’s a sex worker?”
“I think there’s a definite possibility of that being the case.”
“But what does it take? If you got the opportunity to dream up the ideal partner for yourself, what would you want them to be like?”
Katherine chuckled. “Jesus, Jess. It’s Sunday morning. Can I get back to you on that?”
Jessica chuckled with her. “Sure. First thing on Monday would be fine.”
“Should I stop by your office or can I phone you?” Katherine joked.
“You make it sound so black and white, though,” Jessica said. “Like I’m one and can’t possibly become the other.”
“If the boys weren’t arriving in”—she checked her watch—“fifteen minutes, I’d remind you of the story of Katherine and Suki. But I have some trays to artfully arrange and I think you remember that story, so.” Katherine turned around and got back to work.
Jessica had never known Katherine’s ex Suki. She’d only heard about her. She remembered that things hadn’t worked out well. Then the bell rang.
“Oh, shoot. Someone’s here already.” Katherine quickly rinsed her hands.
“I’ll get it.” Jessica painted on a smile—the one she’d used since she was a child and her mother had left—and headed for the front door.
The gay brunch Jessica had ended up at could not have been more different from the lesbian dinner party she had attended the night before. It seemed like not one serious word came out of these men’s mouths. Jessica had been formally introduced to all five of them, and she had done her very best to remember their names, but it turned out they all addressed each other as darling or sweetie which made it impossible for her to know who was addressing whom and—even more so—who was mocking whom.
She was, however, beginning to understand why Katherine enjoyed their company so much.
“I’ll sleep when I’m forty,” a lanky guy with a beard—Jessica thought his name was Richard—said while he suppressed a yawn.
“You’re thirty-nine, darling,” someone else said.
“Oh fine.” He reached for his mimosa. “I’ll cut my alcohol intake in half then. I’ll see. When the day comes.”
“Maybe you should try cutting your Grindr time in half instead,” Alan—Jessica had remembered his name—said.
Richard held a hand in front of his mouth and pretended to look upset. “What are you insinuating?”
“Yes, sweetie, what are you trying to say?” Alan’s partner said. “There are plenty of boys looking for daddies on Grindr. Richard’s got a lot of work ahead of him.”
Katherine rolled her eyes. “You guys are so lucky. The closest thing to Grindr us poor lesbians get is the RSPCA website.”
“Oh you shameless thief,” Rocco, an impressively muscled man with not a hair on his head said. “You totally stole that joke from Margaret Cho.”
“I confess, but she has a point, though,” Katherine said.
“There’s a new lesbian at work. Well, I think she’s one, at least,” Chris, Rocco’s equally-muscled partner, said. “I just get that feeling about her and the other day, she winked at me—you know, one of those winks of recognition—when she walked past my office. I’ll try to find out if she’s single for you, Kat. You never know…”
“That would be the day,” Katherine said. “When one of you guys sets me up with a woman. You talk a good game, boys, but nothing, I repeat, nothing has ever come of it. While you and Rocco would never have met if it weren’t for me.”
&nbs
p; “We owe you for that forever,” Rocco said. “You’ll be the best man at our wedding.” He blew Kat a kiss. “But we don’t hang with the lezzies that much.” He looked at Jessica. “What about you, honey? Kat doesn’t tickle your fancy?”
Jessica had just taken a sip from her mimosa and nearly spat out the liquid all over her plate.
“Jess and I are friends,” Katherine said. “Besides, she’s hurting. She needs cheering up, not being asked whether I tickle her fancy or not.” Katherine winked at her.
“What’s going on, sweetie?” Chris asked. “Did a mean lesbian trample all over your tender heart?”
Jessica shook her head. “Nah. I did it to myself, really.”
“And here I was thinking it was all so much easier for the lesbos,” Richard said. “Meet, move in, watch Netflix, happy monogamy, followed by a bout of lesbian bed death here and there, but basically domestic bliss for the rest of your lives.”
“Wow,” Katherine said. “You’ve really outdone yourself with the clichés this time, Rich. You failed to mention the U-Haul, though.”
“And the macramé,” Peter said.
Jessica chuckled. It was the first real laugh she’d managed since last night.
“I’ll have you know,” Katherine said, “that Jess and I know a lesbian couple who practice non-monogamy successfully.”
“Ooh,” Rocco said. “What’s their secret? Do tell. I’m genuinely interested.”
Katherine shrugged. “What’s the secret of any relationship?” She looked at Jessica as if she held the answer. “Communication, I guess. I really wouldn’t know with my track record.”
“You just haven’t met the right woman yet,” Peter said.
“I’ve thought about this,” Jessica said, “having been single for quite some time, and I disagree with the silly notion that there’s only one person out there for everyone. I think that’s bullshit. At least, in my life, among the people I know best, I haven’t seen much evidence of that. Let’s not forget that divorce rates are soaring.”
“And that’s not going to go down any time soon,” Rocco said, “now that the gays are starting to get married.” He apparently thought this was very funny and slapped himself on the thigh.
“I disagree with you, Jess. But maybe that’s just the romantic in me,” Katherine said.
“Well, maybe if you’d asked me yesterday, I would have had a different opinion.” As they did every other minute, Jessica’s thoughts drifted to Liz again. What was she doing right now? If things had gone differently last night, what would they have been doing together? What if? What if? What if?
“Are you going to keep us in suspense much longer,” Peter said. “Or are you going to tell us what happened with you and that woman who left you so bitter you don’t believe in love any longer?”
“That’s putting it a bit dramatically,” Jessica said. “I do believe in love. I’m just not a fan of the overly romanticized take on it. It can be bloody hard sometimes to fall in love.” She sipped from her mimosa.
“We’re still waiting for your story.” Peter leaned back in his chair.
“Don’t feel as though you have to entertain them with your heartache, Jess. They can go home and watch Queer Eye if they want some drama.”
“Ooh girl, you’ve got the ‘tude today,” Rocco said.
“It’s really just a matter of irreconcilable differences,” Jessica said. “This woman and I, we’re just too different.”
“But you at least had a good tumble in the hay with her?” Chris asked.
“Oh yeah.” Some glee had sneaked into Jessica’s voice. “Quite the tumble.”
“You go, girl.” Chris held up his hand for a high five.
Flabbergasted, Jessica looked at it, then slapped her palm against his.
“This is not about sex.” Rocco told his partner off. “Can’t you see Jessica’s in distress about this.”
“At least she got something out of it,” Chris said.
“You know just as well as I do that it’s different for lesbians,” Rocco said.
“Oh, please,” Chris said. “Here we go again.” He waved off Rocco’s remark. “Kat, darling, back me up here.”
“But what Rocco just said is so true,” Katherine said in a mock-serious tone. “I have no idea what you guys are doing in my house. I’m a lesbian and you’re gay men. We have the least in common of all the possible sexual orientations.” She snickered.
“Kat’s not a representative lesbian,” Rocco said. “She has more sex than the five of us combined.” He turned to the other men. “No offense, darlings.”
“Let’s not go overboard,” Katherine said. “For that to be even remotely true, I’d need to be having sex multiple times every single day.”
Richard brought a hand to his mouth. “Do you mean to say that you don’t? You’ve just shattered my entire image of you.”
Katherine shook her head. “I’m way too exclusive for that.”
Jessica couldn’t believe what she was hearing. These were not the conversations about sex she was used to. In fact, she wasn’t used to many conversations about sex at all. But these men and Katherine talked about it as if it was just any other hobby or pastime.
Chris held up his hand to high five Katherine this time. Jessica took another sip from her mimosa and looked them all over. They all looked happy enough, chattering away on a Sunday morning. Being themselves didn’t allow room for being ashamed and their self-respect clearly didn’t depend on what anyone else thought of them.
As the day progressed, Jessica’s admiration for them grew, and by the time she left Katherine’s house, she felt as though the uptightness she’d been accused of earlier had vastly diminished just by being in the company of people who could be just as judgmental as herself when it came to superficial things, but who had learned to be free of judgment where it really mattered.
Chapter Twenty-Four
“Nicolas is coming to see you at ten,” Jennifer said. “And your father called. He asked that you call him back as soon as possible.”
“Why did he call the office?” Jessica asked, although she could hardly expect Jennifer to have the answer to the question.
“I’m not sure.” Jennifer took a step closer to Jessica’s desk. “Can I get you anything? A strong coffee, perhaps? If you don’t mind me saying so, you look a little pale.”
“I didn’t sleep well,” Jessica said. “But I’ll be fine. I’ll gladly have that coffee, though.” She gazed into Jennifer’s worried face. “Is there anything else I should know?” What she really wanted to ask was: do you really need me here?
When she’d walked into the building half an hour earlier, she’d been flooded with even more dread than the week before at the prospect of working there for the foreseeable future.
Jessica had spent the better part of Sunday afternoon watching television, and it had been an excellent distraction—and perfect background noise for sleeping off her post-brunch buzz. But watching TV and working in TV were two very different things. And she couldn’t stop thinking about a certain person who didn’t even own a television set.
“No,” Jennifer said. “I’ll bring you a strong cup of coffee straight away.”
Jessica sank into her chair. She didn’t feel like calling her father. He’d want to ask how her weekend went. And these days, when he asked this particular question, he actually listened to the answer. He sometimes even asked a follow-up question.
Jessica could easily lie to him, but she didn’t want to. Just over a week ago, she’d met Liz. The previous Monday, exactly one week ago, she’d booked her services again. As a direct consequence, Jessica had come to life again. Liz had done that. It had all happened so quickly. It might as well not have happened. Maybe she could shake off Liz’s passage in her life as some crazy fever dream. Attribute it to late-stage complications after surgery.
Jessica scoffed. Was she really so afraid that she would be willing to ignore the best thing that had happened to her in yea
rs?
A knock came on the door and Jennifer brought in her coffee.
“Thanks. You’re a life saver,” Jessica said. She took a sip and was grateful she had made at least one meaningful contribution to the Programming Department during her short time heading it: procuring a state-of-the-art coffee machine for the break room.
Instead of calling her father, Jessica dialed Caitlin’s extension. She hoped she had arrived at the office already.
“Morning, Boss,” Caitlin said. “I rushed down as soon as you called. What’s the Monday morning emergency?”
“Please close the door.”
“Ooh, sounds ominous,” Caitlin joked.
Jessica checked her watch. She had a bit of time before her meeting with Nicolas Morton.
Caitlin sat down. “Who would you like me to invite on my show? Grannie Kramer?” She sat there beaming a wide smile.
“This isn’t about work.”
Caitlin pursed her lips together. “I figured as much.”
“Liz and I have… well, I’d say broken up but we weren’t really ever together, were we?”
“I did pick up on some tension between you. The way I understood it from you, Katherine might have been a problem at the dinner, but, er, it turned out to be someone else.”
“I’m sorry for behaving the way I did. It was pathetic, really. It ruined a perfectly good night.”
Caitlin shrugged. “We all have bad nights. Don’t worry about it.”
Jessica chuckled. “Are you letting me off the hook so easily because I had cancer? It’s not a free-for-all insult-who-you-want card, you know.”
“I’m your friend, Jess. I’m simply not half or even a quarter as hard on you as you are on yourself. Give yourself a break.” Caitlin linked her hands behind her neck and rested her head back. “My life became so much easier when I started forgiving myself for everything. It’s the only way.”