by Ella Craig
‘We better get moving,’ Kath tapped Miles on the knee, ‘it is a longer walk than you think to my parents’ house.’
‘Might help sober us up.’ He dragged a haversack out from under his chair.
‘If it does it won’t last long because mum will whip the cocktail shaker out before you know it.’
‘Can I tell her I’m on antibiotics or something? It would be nice to spend a sober evening with you for once.’
Kath shrugged with a guilt-tinged apology because she always encouraged Miles to drink too much thus avoiding any danger of things becoming more intimate. Besides, the thought of having sex with Miles in her old bedroom with her family around did not infuse her with lust or desire.
‘But I’m in with your brother so we wouldn’t have much chance to be alone.’
‘Mum’s a bit strict about that sort of thing.’
She bent down to pick up a bag of presents and hoped Miles couldn’t see her face and the guilty look she knew must be on it. Her mum was not the one insisting Miles sleep in a separate room.
january
‘Miles, I hope you pick up this message before tonight. We got back ten minutes ago after a seven-hour drive. Sorry, I hate to stand you up tonight, but I am too knackered to go and see Aladdin with you. Take care, bye.’
Kath hoped Miles would understand, but after a week of partying in Manchester, she wanted to relax with a glass of water and watch her old videotapes of Live Aid. Such bliss to be alone, away from enforced jollity, an overabundance of relatives, friends, and Miles.
Her decision to go with her family to visit Jo and Simon left Miles alone and without a date for New Year’s Eve. He had no real reason to complain because they talked on the phone most days. She guessed he would not be happy about this evening, but he would find someone else to take to the panto.
Things would settle down after Twelfth Night, the last day of Christmas Festivities (thank God), and also Jenny’s welcome home party. She asked for a slap-up Christmas Dinner, but no one could face cooking it, let alone eating it. Liz surprised everyone when she agreed to play host and promised to cook a curry if people brought over their leftover turkey. Kath was suspicious of Liz’s sudden generosity. Had she made a new year’s resolution to be a nicer person or was she keen to show off the latest expensive redecoration of her house?
Liz greeted them at the door and glared as if daring someone to laugh at the furniture or her pastel colour scheme and the abundance of swags, valances and ruffles. Jim and Miles carried Jenny through to the lounge. Kath brought up the rear with the crutches.
‘Who would like a drink?’ John held a bottle of gin in his hands. ‘Whiskey, vodka, sherry, you name it, we have it.’
‘Lemonade,’ said Kath.
‘Me too,’ Miles and Jim spoke at the same time.
‘You bunch of lightweights,’ said Jenny. ‘I’ll start with the gin, please, and work my way through your cabinet.’
‘Excellent choice, I was just making a martini.’ John grabbed the cocktail shaker with glee. ‘They,’ he indicated Allie, Mickey, Dan, Sue, Dave, Julie and Barry, ‘are also drinking lemonade.’
‘Their loss, but it leaves all the more for us.’ Jenny took her glass. ‘Cheers. Mmm, that hits the mark. You lot have no idea what you are missing.’
Conversation was slow, apart from John and Jenny comparing the merits of various alcoholic drinks, and it dwindled to grunts and groans as people picked at their lunch. Non-existent appetites made Liz scowl. First, at them, then at the great mound of fluffy rice and the half-full bowl of curry left on the table. She slid the food-covered plates through the kitchen hatch all the while mumbling to herself.
The dullness of the afternoon got on Kath’s nerves. Even Julie had slumped into an armchair, the seasonal excesses wiping out her usual desire to clean-up and tidy things. This lethargy drained Kath, and with her last reserve of energy, she leapt to her feet.
‘Leave the washing-up to Miles and me, Liz.’ She dragged a reluctant Miles out of his seat. ‘Come on, mother’s little helper,’ she laughed at him. Grumbling, he followed her to the kitchen.
‘Oh, no.’ She gagged at the sight of three turkey carcasses oozing grease all over the draining board. ‘Sorry, Miles, I can’t cope with this.’ She swallowed hard and dashed out to the garden where she sat on a bench beneath the kitchen window. The damp air felt fresh and clean, and she let the watery sunshine bathe her face.
An irregular thudding announced Jenny’s approach. She hobbled over carrying a crutch in one hand and her cigarettes in the other. With the zeal of the new anti-smoker, Liz had banned smoking indoors.
‘This tastes marvellous,’ Jenny said with a happy sigh and took another drag on her cigarette.
‘I thought nearly two months in hospital would have you off the weed by now.’ Kath shifted upwind of Jenny. The smoke was making her eyes water.
‘No chance. I am a nicotine addict, for better or for worse. Besides, it is such a bugger trying to quit.’
‘Liz is giving it another go.’ Kath nodded towards the dining room window.
Nostrils flared as if she could suck the smoke up through the open window, Liz stood with arms folded. She stared at Jenny with a longing that was indecent. Jenny waved her cigarette-laden hand at her. Liz scowled and slammed the window shut. It made a rude rasping noise.
‘I’ll give her another week before she cracks,’ said Jenny. ‘She always gives up smoking this time of year.’
‘I think she’ll do it this time,’ Kath said. ‘You know what she’s like when she sets her mind to something. Anyway, she’s on a health kick.’
‘Literally, so I hear. Karate, I can’t imagine Liz getting hot and sweaty, running around in a pair of white pyjamas.’
‘There are other attractions.’
‘Handsome young instructors of the supple variety?’ Jenny lit another cigarette.
Kath gave her a stern look and a contrived cough. ‘Particularly ones called Darren.’
‘No! Liz and your ex, are you sure?’
‘Not entirely. Call it an educated guess. She goes to the same place where Darren trains. I may be wrong. But…’ Kath left her thoughts hanging.
‘With Liz’s track record, anything might happen.’
‘Why are you two whispering?’ Jim came out to join them.
‘Girl talk,’ Jenny told him. ‘And take that bloody blanket away. I don’t need it.’
‘You’ve got to keep your leg warm, doctor’s orders.’ Jim was relentless. ‘And she said you are smoking too much.’
‘Yes mother, sorry mother,’ Jenny poked her tongue out at Jim.
‘You’ll lose that one day,’ he said.
‘Yeah,’ challenged Jenny, waggling it at him.
Jim and Jenny indulged in a bout of snogging. Their easy intimacy always made Kath feel uncomfortable and a mite jealous. These days she and Miles no longer held or touched each other, but as friends, they had no trouble being tactile. Was this reticence due to Miles’ strong moral code, which would make her tarnished goods in his eyes, purity stained by an adulterous affair. Not the best thoughts to help build her sense of self-worth.
‘Yoo-hoo, Kathy, come home.’ Jim’s face was inches from hers. ‘Ah, glad you came back because Miles wants you to partner him in piggy-backed Twister later.’
‘I hate to disappoint, but I have eaten too much. Ask him to find another partner.’
‘OK,’ Jim blinked in surprise and turned to Jenny. ‘Are you staying out as well?’
She nodded and sent him in to play.
‘You lying mare,’ Jenny accused Kath. ‘You hardly touched your lunch.’
‘I ate enough to rule out Twister.’
‘I’m disappointed in you. You two were the best tag team in town, undisputed champions.’
‘I am not in the mood for stupid games today.’
‘You don’t appear to be your normal, fun-loving self.’
‘Blame it on Christmas, the season of g
oodwill my arse, non-stop eating, drinking and being nice to people. I am sick of it.’
‘Is that why you’re being such a cow to Miles?’
‘I beg your pardon?’
‘You heard me. Kath, something isn’t right, you virtually ignored Miles today. Except to complain when he forgot to bring you a diet coke, and order him into the kitchen to do the dishes. You are not showing him much goodwill.’
‘The truth is; I am finding it difficult to relax with him.’
‘Which is why you’re not having sex.’
‘Miles didn’t tell you that?’
‘Of course not, but it is ruddy obvious to me. He moves in the manner of one with oversized balls whilst you swan around like a nun.’ Jenny frowned. ‘I’m sure we’ve had this conversation before.’
‘We have,’ said Kath. ‘Last time it was over Darren and my favourite form of barrier contraception, Tony.’
‘Not him again,’ groaned Jenny. ‘I thought it was over between you and your geriatric granddad.’
‘I thought so too, but he sent me a letter before Christmas. He wants to take me out for a drink.’
‘Bloody hell, Kath, will you never learn? Tell Tony to fuck off. He’s a liar and a cheat.’
‘That doesn’t stop me loving him.’
‘What about Miles, do you love him?’
‘Not in the way I do Tony. I wouldn’t hurt Miles for the world, but I am not convinced Miles wants me. We are meant to be a couple, but we act like friends.’
‘Because you don’t give him a chance,’ said Jenny. ‘You avoid any situations where you might be alone with him. Why else did you bugger off to Manchester after Boxing Day?’
‘I went to visit my sister. What crime is that?’
‘The crime was running out on Miles. Why didn’t you take him with you?’
‘He has a job, remember?’
‘Kath, Miles is signed on with a temping agency and didn’t work over Christmas.’
‘But he told me needed to be available otherwise he might miss out on work.’
‘True enough,’ admitted Jenny, ‘but the least you could’ve done was go to the pantomime with him when you got back. Like you promised.’
‘I was tired, and he and Jim enjoyed the show.’
‘They did, but Miles wanted to go with you. You keep pushing him away, and one day you’ll push him too far, just like you did with Darren.’
‘Huh,’ Kath snorted. ‘Darren was so distraught he couldn’t wait to fool around with Liz.’
‘Admittedly, you and Darren weren’t love’s young dream, but he did not deserve the treatment you gave him.’
Kath grimaced at the memory. ‘I won’t do that to Miles. He means too much to me, but I need to speak with Tony one last time, and explain we are through and tell him to stop bothering me.’
‘I take it you haven’t told Miles any of this.’
‘He knows I’m trying to get Tony out of my system, but I never told Miles about the letter. Why hurt him by flinging that in his face, not when he is trying so hard.’
‘Maybe too hard.’
‘After I talk to Tony, I will have a clear conscience and be free to try with Miles,’ Kath was resolute.
‘How long do you reckon Miles will wait?’
‘He’ll wait for me,’ Kath replied with a confidence she wasn’t altogether sure of anymore.
fool (if you think it’s over)
Kath crouched low in the seat with her scarf pulled across her face, and heaved a sigh of relief as two work colleagues climbed the stairs to the top deck. What possessed her to catch the same bus she took every day to work? Her desire for Tony overwhelmed her to the point where she did not have the patience, or sense, to wait for a later bus.
Only four more stops before she passed Ritzons. Then she would sit up like a normal human being until she reached her destination, a picnic spot at Lee Moor, the place where they first made love.
This may be the biggest mistake of her life, but when Tony phoned her at half past six in the morning, begging her to meet him, she agreed without hesitation. What was that old Elvis song Miles kept humming? Something about now or never, very prophetic because this might be the last time she ever saw Tony.
After he called, she dug out her best knickers, washed her hair, piled on the slap and put on a new dress. This was nothing special, just the preparations of a woman meeting a friend to discuss the end of a relationship, not a woman going to meet her lover. Kath needed to see him and sort things out for once and for all. You couldn’t blame a girl for wanting to look her best. She removed her glasses, didn’t want them getting in the way.
Her stop was the next one; Kath rang the bell and the bus ground to a halt. She leapt through the doors before they fully opened. She spotted Tony’s car, and her heart flip-flopped. Kath tore across the road and wished she had worn her work boots as she slithered down a muddy path to emerge in a small clearing.
‘Tony?’
He stepped out from behind a tree, and she walked, trotted and finally ran into his arms. He lifted her up and spun her around, and she laughed with delight. She forgot the past and ignored the future because this was the insistent present, and she revelled in the sudden lust she felt for this man.
Kath slid down his body until their faces became level, and they kissed with a passion that left her breathless. They made urgent love up against the tree. Her skirt pushed up, and Tony’s trousers bunched around his ankles. After two months of separation, it didn’t take long for either of them.
Afterwards, Kath sat on the bonnet of his car and wrapped her coat around her. The cold had found its way deep into her bones; at least she presumed that was why she trembled. Tony sat next to her. They had yet to speak a coherent word to each other.
‘Hello.’ Kath was overcome with shyness and unable to meet Tony’s gaze.
‘That was some welcome.’ He took her hand. ‘I missed you, girl, more than I thought I would.’
She stole a glance. ‘You’ve lost weight.’
‘A New Year diet led to a new me. What do you say to a new us?’ He squeezed her hand.
‘Ow.’
‘Sorry.’ Tony relaxed his grip. ‘Did you miss me?’
‘Yes and no,’ Kath said, mixing honesty with vagueness. ‘I thought about you a lot, but not every minute of the day, I had other things going on in my life.’
‘Are you still with Darren, or is there someone else?’
‘I finished with Darren ages ago, he meant nothing to me, and I never slept with him because...’
She paused not sure how to tell her married boyfriend she considered it immoral to have more than one lover at a time.
‘Because?’
‘I didn’t love him. I am not sure I even liked him.’ She wondered why she had not mentioned Miles, and changed the subject. ‘Why did you send me that letter?’
‘I wanted to see you, and ask if you would take me back.’ He looked away, and his body tensed. ‘Do you love me?’
‘Yes.’ This was utter madness, but there was no denying what her heart and her own body told her. ‘I never stopped loving you.’
He turned to her and gave her a smile of sheer joy. ‘I want us to be together.’
‘We can, but don’t expect me to drop everything for you this time. I will tell you when I am free, and you can try to see me then.’
Tony no longer smiled. ‘Whatever you say, but you do still want me in your life?’
‘I spent the last few months becoming reacquainted with my friends, and I do not intend to ignore them again.’
‘I understand.’ Judging by Tony’s face, he didn’t. ‘You realise we will probably only meet once or twice a week.’
‘Then we can take things slowly,’ said Kath.
‘A fresh start and you set the pace.’ He nodded, and his smile returned. ‘I swear; I will not hassle you.’
‘Tony, I am not worried about the pace, only empty promises because, this time, I want commitment.�
�
‘Commitment is no problem because I want to try again, and I want you to trust me, Kathy. When you are sure, we can plan what to do next.’
‘You mean about us, Jackie and the kids?’
‘She gave me hell over that dress.’
‘I don’t doubt it, but I don’t care about the sodding dress, it is not relevant to you or me, or even Jackie.’
‘She was a good wife to me, and we had a great marriage.’
Kath noted Tony’s use of the past tense and hope bubbled up inside her, but she forced herself to remain calm.
‘Before you go any further, understand this, Tony; I want you, but I won’t fight for you. You must decide and choose between us. If you stay with her, we are over because I will not be the other woman.’ Tony made to speak, but Kath waved him into silence. ‘This is not emotional blackmail because I am not playing dirty and I will never force your hand.’
Everything depended on what he said next. This might be goodbye. Kath’s world stopped turning and became petrified in time, leaving Tony with the power to start it up again.
‘Blunt, but honest, and lets me know where I stand.’ Tony looked a little shell-shocked. ‘My turn, to tell the truth, I realise I should have told you everything right from the start, but I didn’t want to frighten you off. But here I am, a forty-five-year-old bloke on his second marriage with a baby granddaughter, not such a great catch, am I?’
Kath shrugged but did not dare answer for fear of saying too much.
‘But this is the truth,’ Tony continued. ‘Things aren’t the same between Jackie and me, we’ve grown apart, and all there is left between us are the children. You are my life now.’
The world turned again, and Kath took slow, measured breaths to keep from hyperventilating.
‘It will take time to rebuild our relationship, but now we have something worth building, do you agree, Kathy?’
‘One hundred per cent yes.’ She opened her arms to him, and he came to her, pushing her back on to the bonnet of the car.
‘No, I must go back to work, they think I’m at the dentist, and I told them I would be in by eleven.’