Dropping Like Pies (Apple Orchard Cozy Mystery Book 11)

by Chelsea Thomas

  Teeny furrowed her brow. “You eat bacon for dinner, too? Humphrey. You should be careful. You have four slices every morning. Sometimes six. I want you to live a long and healthy life.”

  “I already lived a long life,” said Humphrey. “Now I want to make sure the rest of it is filled with bacon. Come back when the snow is cleared up. All residents of Pine Grove can visit the museum for free.”

  “Hi Humphrey.” Miss May stepped forward. “Hope you’re doing well. You look great. And it’s so nice that you volunteer at this gorgeous institution. But I’m wondering—”

  “No exceptions, May! I’m about to close. And I don’t care how many murderers you think are hiding in this place.”

  “Please, Humphrey,” said Miss May. “You’re right. This is about an investigation. And it’s important. We need to—"

  Humphrey gathered up his papers and shoved them into his messenger bag, preparing to go.

  Miss May pulled an entire apple pie out of her purse. It was not the first time I had seen her pull that trick, but every time she did it delighted me anew. Her purse was big, sure. But who carries around entire apple pies in their handbag?

  “What about if I give you this pie?” Miss May asked. “I know you like my pies.”

  “No thanks.” Humphrey pulled on his jacket and zipped it up. “I’ve got bacon on the brain.”

  “Five minutes, Mr. Humphrey,” I said. “That’s all we need.”

  “You three are so annoying,” Humphrey said. “Do me a favor, if I ever get murdered, don’t even investigate. I don’t want you bothering people on my behalf.”

  “Is that a yes?” asked Miss May.

  “No.”

  “Free bacon! For…life.” Teeny closed her eyes and open them a few seconds later. “If you let us look around the museum I’ll give you free bacon forever.”

  Humphrey’s expression softened. “Now we’re talking. You mean it?”

  Teeny took in a deep breath and let it out. “I don’t think it’s a good idea. And I’m going to tell Dr. Ingles about your diet. But yes. I’ll never charge you for bacon again.”

  Humphrey sat back down in his chair. “Museum’s all yours. But don’t break anything. There are priceless artifacts in there.”

  We went to the door behind Humphrey and entered into a large, rectangular room, about the size of a high school cafeteria. The space was illuminated in bright, fluorescent lights. Every wall was covered with memorabilia from Pine Grove’s sporting history.

  “This place is incredible,” I said. “It’s like Coach Thornton’s house on steroids.”

  Miss May nodded. “It would’ve been helpful to know this museum existed on a couple of our prior investigations.”

  Teeny shrugged. “No point crying over spilled sports memorabilia.”

  “Is that how that saying goes?” I asked with a smirk.

  “Oh shut it, Chelsea,” said Teeny. “You know what I mean.”

  “Let’s split up and see what we can find,” I said. “Remember… We’re looking for information about Coach Thornton’s rivalry with Coach Sheila. I think it would be helpful to find out how much the two of them really hated each other. Was this friendly competition between respected colleagues or were they bloodthirsty rivals out for each other’s necks?”

  “Well said,” said Miss May. “I’ll also add that it would be helpful to look out for information about big, tall James, your future date.”

  “I said you’re not allowed to refer to it as a date anymore,” I protested.

  Miss May chuckled and ambled off to check out some memorabilia. Teeny walked in the opposite direction. And I headed off toward the far wall.

  My investigation began at a long row of skiing trophies. Then I saw a few stories about Pine Grove’s apparently acclaimed 1975 bowling squad. Then, finally, I arrived at a small section that appeared to be dedicated to basketball. There were a few trophies but no articles or information referring to Thornton’s rivalry with Coach Sheila or Lakeland High School. There was also a life-sized statue of a masked figure, posed as if they were about to shoot a basketball. The figure was wearing at Pine Grove high school basketball uniform, but their nose and mouth were covered by a face mask, as were their eyes. I turned back and called over to Teeny and Miss May. “Did Pine Grove’s mascot used to be a masked bandit or something?”

  Neither Miss May nor Teeny could hear me. I walked about halfway across the room and called out to them. “Hey. Come look at this freaky statue.”

  Miss May and Teeny headed toward me. “What statue?” asked Miss May.

  I turned back and pointed. “Over there.”

  One problem…

  The statue was gone! I blinked a few times. “I thought it was along that wall.” I turned to my right. “Maybe it was over there…” No statue there either.

  “Are you seeing things, Chelsea?” asked Miss May.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a quick movement over by the entrance. I turned and spotted the masked figure darting out of the room. “The statue is running away!” I yelled.

  “What are you talking about?” said Miss May.

  I darted off after the masked figure. “Follow me!”

  I exploded out into the lobby. The masked figure was nowhere to be found.

  “Did someone run through here? Which way did they go?” I turned toward Humphrey but he was fast asleep with his face on the desk. “Humphrey!”

  Miss May and Teeny caught up to me in the lobby. “Chelsea. What you see?”

  “There was someone in there. I gotta try to catch them!”

  I darted outside. The masked figure was nowhere in sight. Then I heard an angry motor growling in the distance. Seconds later, the masked figure blasted past me on a motorcycle, eyes focused on the road.

  I chased after the motorcycle. “Hey. Stop! Who are you?”

  The motorcycle driver disappeared down the road, taillight fading in the distance. I ran for about thirty seconds. But that’s my maximum. At second thirty one, I had to double over to catch my breath.

  Miss May and Teeny arrived by my side a few seconds later. “What was that?” asked Miss May.

  “Who was that?” said Teeny, with a firm emphasis on the word ‘who.’

  I looked up at the girls, panting. “I don’t know. But we need to find out.”

  14

  Masked Marauder

  After I caught my breath —it took a few minutes — we went inside to talk to Humphrey. Turned out he had slept through the entire ordeal. And although he seemed keen to tell us about a dream he’d had where he was swimming laps in a bathtub filled with bacon, he didn’t have anything to say about the mysterious masked figure in the museum.

  In fact, Humphrey seemed to think we may have imagined the masked figure. He told us we were the only visitors the museum had all day. And he even showed us the visitor logs to prove it. But it was plain to see that Humphrey had a habit of sleeping on the job. It wouldn’t have been hard for a masked figure to slip past Humphrey unseen.

  Miss May interrogated Humphrey about how often he slept at the front desk. She used a quiet and unassuming tone but Humphrey was affronted by the questions. He claimed that he had never fallen asleep at the museum prior to that night. Then he said that, if there was a masked figure, which he doubted, the mysterious intruder must have entered through the air vents like Tom Cruise in “Mission Not Possible.”

  We checked the perimeter of the building. All the ancillary doors were locked. It was clear the intruder had snuck in while Humphrey slept, but there was no point in pushing the issue. We needed Humphrey on our good side as the case progressed. And that was far more valuable than picking a fight about his sleeping habits.

  Before he left, Humphrey confirmed that Teeny would still give him free bacon for life, despite the whole falling asleep on the job thing. Teeny agreed, once again warning Humphrey to chill with the fatty meats. Then Humphrey locked up the museum and we went on our way.

  --

>   The snow picked up as we headed back to town to drop Teeny off at Grandma’s. We arrived to find Big Dan standing in the parking lot. He was holding three big bags from the hardware store and he was wearing enough snow gear to climb Mount Everest.

  Teeny clapped when she saw him. “Look. It’s Big Dan. Wonder what’s in the bags! Oooh. I bet it’s our emergency prep!”

  We climbed out of the truck and Big Dan greeted each of us with a polite nod. “Good evening, ladies. Hi, Teeny. I got you some stuff.”

  Teeny smiled. “I thought that might be what was in those bags. What did you get me?”

  Big Dan pulled out a pair of pink snow pants, a pink jacket, and a pink hat. “Pink snow gear.”

  I furrowed my brow. “They sell all that at the hardware store?”

  Big Dan shook his head. “I went to a few places. Wanted to find some clothes with the maximum thickness and warmth in case of a catastrophic disaster. Snow doesn’t fall very often in this region during the month of October. But when it does, people are underprepared and that can be lethal.”

  “You want me to be fashionable during the disaster.” Teeny swooned. “And you don’t want me to die or get frostbite?”

  “That’s right,” said Big Dan. “If you die that means I’m going to have to go to a funeral and I hate getting dressed up.”

  Teeny laughed. “You are so funny.”

  Big Dan remained straight-faced. He turned to me and Miss May. “Sorry I didn’t get you ladies anything. To be honest, it didn’t cross my mind.”

  “Oh they’re fine,” said Teeny. “Those two love the snow. They don’t need anything.”

  “What’s the weather update?” I asked. “We hear you’ve got an instinct for storms.”

  Big Dan looked up at the sky and a few snowflakes fell onto his face. He didn’t bother wiping them away. “The blizzard is coming, that’s for sure. It could be any minute now. I’d say the window ranges from 24 to 48 hours. Stock up on whatever you need. And Chelsea, maybe pick up a few carrots and buttons. You seem like the kind of woman who enjoys making snow people despite being a grown adult.”

  “So what if I do,” I said.

  “Our basement doubles as a bunker for storms, so we should be fine,” said Miss May. “I’ve got tons of canned goods down there already, plus water and everything else you might need.”

  “You do?” I asked.

  “That’s right,” said Miss May. “You would know except you’re also the type of grown woman who’s afraid to go down to the scary basement so I don’t think you’ve seen any of my stash.”

  “I’m not afraid of the basement,” I lied. “I just have no reason to go down there. It’s dark and creepy. Knowing that doesn’t make me weak. I’m a woman who knows what I want. You should be proud that you raised me that way.”

  “Of course I’m proud of you,” said Miss May. “I’m hoping we won’t need to hunker down in the basement though. We need to keep investigating this murder.” Miss May snuck a look up at Big Dan. “Thornton was a legend in this town. And he was such a nice man. He deserves a thorough investigation. He was one of my heroes.”

  Big Dan scoffed. “Hero. Yeah, right.”

  “What was that, Dan?” asked Miss May.

  “I already told you Big Dan didn’t like Thornton,” said Teeny. “But my boyfriend’s not a killer. Killers don’t buy their girlfriends pink jumpsuits and obsess over preparation for winter storms.”

  “What she said,” said Big Dan. He turned to Teeny. “Hey, what you think about heading into the restaurant real quick? I could use some hummus and crackers.”

  “I’ve got a fresh batch in the fridge.” Teeny and Big Dan said their farewells and then they disappeared inside the restaurant.

  As Miss May and I drove back up to the farm we discussed the case in detail. We both agreed that Big Dan’s behavior was odd but no real cause for concern. The man was eccentric, to say the least. But there was no point reading too deep into anything he said or did. At least not at that moment.

  We were by far more interested in the Pine Grove Sports Museum and the mysterious figure who’d disappeared on a motorcycle.

  Miss May hadn’t seen the motorcycle in town before. She called Gigley and a few other friends and no one else recognized the description of the bike, either.

  Miss May made a fire in our giant fireplace when we got home. “It’s just so strange. What was that strange masked marauder doing in the museum? And how does the museum tie into this murder?”

  “We didn’t find any strong evidence in the museum that pointed us in the direction of any of our existing suspects or any new suspects,” I said. “Maybe the masked figure stole evidence that made them look guilty.”

  “Or maybe they were there to plant evidence to frame another individual and we missed it,” said Miss May. “That’s good thinking.”

  “Or maybe they were stealing some sort of crown jewel or rare gem or something,” I said. “And it’s unrelated to the case.”

  “Now you sound like Teeny,” said Miss May.

  “I know. Pine Grove doesn’t seem like a likely town for a jewel heist. But it’s possible an old championship ring or trophy contained a valuable gem or something like that. Or maybe the trophies were made with real gold back in the day. And there was a thief in the museum who intended to steal an old trophy and melt it down and trade the gold for cash or a car or something.”

  “Whoever was in the museum was wearing a basketball jersey. And they were agile and physically fit. And they were hiding out inside the sports museum. So I think that they were obviously connected to basketball or sports in some way.”

  “I guess you’re right,” I said. “Do you think it could’ve been Coach Sheila? I know she doesn’t exactly seem like the breaking and entering and posing as a statue type, but she is in decent shape. Seems to me we should question her next. And we should keep our eyes peeled for valuable memorabilia whenever we see her. Maybe Sheila was stealing back one of the trophies she lost in the championship games.”

  Miss May looked out the window, where the snow was falling like a million little daggers. “We’ll talk to Sheila tomorrow. Weather permitting.”

  15

  Fireside Sleep

  That night, I fell asleep by the fire. As I drifted off, a small smile crossed my face. I heard the familiar sound of Miss May’s feet thumping up the stairs to her bedroom. And the gentle warmth of the fire made my arms and legs feel like mashed potatoes. It was a serene ending to a stressful day.

  But that serenity did not last long.

  I woke with a start in the night. Sat bolt upright. Looked around and had the distinct feeling that someone had entered the farmhouse.

  “Hello?” I called out. No answer.

  I tried to convince myself that I must have been having a bad dream. Or perhaps I was on edge after encountering the intruder at the sports museum. I laid back down and closed my eyes. The fire had died. To protect from the creeping cold, I pulled my blanket up to my chin.

  I heard a sound. Something like a thud from the kitchen. That time I knew I wasn’t imagining things.

  I peeled the blanket off my body and climbed to my feet with as much quiet as I could muster. I shook out my arms to loosen up. There could be no stiffness in my body if I was going to have to fight an intruder.

  Another thud from the kitchen.

  I grabbed a fireplace poker and crept toward the source of the sound. “Whoever you are get out of this house. Leave now.”

  “Chelsea.”

  The voice came from behind me. I spun around and brandished the poker like the deadly weapon it was. “Who’s that? Who’s there?”

  “It’s OK. I’m sorry. You’re safe.”

  I turned on a table lamp to reveal the intruder. It was my boyfriend, Germany Turtle, dressed head to toe in his safari khakis. I doubled over and grabbed my chest as I caught my breath. “Germany. We’re in the middle of an investigation. You terrified me.”

  He appro
ached and put his arm around me. I stepped back. Somehow it didn’t feel right.

  “I’m so sorry to startle you, Chelsea. Although I had no intention of frightening you, I understand now how chilling my entrance must have been. Were you slumbering fireside this evening? How charming. A splendid way to spend a snowy night.”

  I looked over at the clock. “It’s three in the morning. What are you doing here?” My fear was morphing into annoyance. I took a deep breath and tried to remain patient. “You can’t just come in here and start bumping around in the middle of the night.”

  Germany hung his head. “I’m sorry.”

  “No. It’s OK. I’m sorry. You didn’t mean any harm.” The mere sight of Germany’s slumped shoulders softened my bristles. I instantly forgave his abrupt middle of the night appearance. “What’s up? Why are you here? And why are you dressed like that?”

  “I was fast asleep about an hour ago. Then I, like you, had a sudden intruder who interrupted my slumber. My intruder wasn’t a man dressed for a safari bumping around the kitchen. It was a horrible dream. You were in the dream Chelsea. That was the only good part. But you were in danger. Trapped in a gymnasium on enemy grounds. There were athletes screaming at you and attacking you from every direction. You tried to use your karate but they had the upper hand. They were also tall.”

  “I was losing the fight? Sounds a lot like my actual gym classes… Did I, uh, die in the dream?”

  “I awoke before the conclusion of the night terror. I came straight here because there’s much I need to say to you and I’ve been waiting too long to say it. As you may recall, I proposed marriage to you this Sunday past.”

  I nodded with a wrinkled brow. Germany’s old-fashioned way of talking never ceased to surprise me and I was still half-asleep and a little off guard. But I followed along.

  “You told me then that you needed time. You were at the tail end of a murder investigation and unbeknownst to you, at the very beginning of another, so I remained patient. I decided that I would leave it up to you to contact me in the intervening days between Sunday and today. But you haven’t reached out to me once. And that’s all the message I need.”