The Unexplainable Fairy Godmother (The Inscrutable Paris Beaufont Book 1)

by Sarah Noffke

  The guy winked at the uptight woman. “And bring my new friend a new rum and Coke, but with top shelf, please, Brenda.”

  The waitress shrugged the fae’s arm off her. “I told you my name isn’t Brenda.”

  “You look like a Brenda,” he argued. “Grow out your hair if you want to look like Bridgette. Get lip enhancements if you want to be a Brittany.”

  The waitress shook her head furiously and strode back to the bar.

  Paris shook her head at the stranger who had offered to buy her drinks and boldly ordered her a better one. She didn’t want to rely on the kindness of a stranger, and yet, she didn’t want her Uncle John called because some bum couldn’t pay their bar tab. That wasn’t the way she wanted him to find out that she’d been kicked out of Happily Ever After College.

  Holding up the glass of rum and Coke at the fae, she smiled. “Thanks for the drink.” She threw back her head and slammed most of it in one gulp, the bubbles tickling her throat and the rum burning in her stomach.

  “Noooo,” the fae yelled, diving forward, grabbing Paris’ wrist to stop her. Right then, he nearly got his nose broken. Instead, she drew back, the almost empty drink an inch from her mouth.

  “What’s your deal, Weirdo?” she asked the guy, who had large eyes.

  He shook his head, daring to take the drink that he’d bought her from her hands. “I got you something that you can drink. There’s no reason to put that poison in your body.”

  “It’s rum,” she argued. “It’s not like I was confusing it with beet juice or something else that’s healthy. I know what I’m getting myself into.”

  He put the drink on the table and sighed. “We always have a choice. Put high-end alcohol into our bodies or low-grade stuff.”

  “Some of us don’t have that choice, Richie Rich.” She grabbed the glass before he could stop her, Paris’ reflexes faster. She threw the rest of the drink back, draining the glass.

  He pursed his lips and shook his finger at her. “You’re a defiant one, aren’t you? I should have guessed as much.”

  Paris gave him a confused look as the waitress brought the new drink, depositing it in front of her. “I don’t know what that means, Intruder, but thanks for the drink. I hope you’re not expecting me to be nice to you in return.”

  He nodded and slid into the other side of the booth. “Nope. I have to admit that I’m enjoying the name-calling. It’s been a long time…too long.”

  Paris sighed and drank from her new glass. “You’re sitting now…”

  “Yeah, standing is tough.” He sipped his drink. “Anyway, no need to be nice to me. I’m only the king of the fae.”

  Paris nearly spat out her drink but thankfully didn’t waste the rum on the table. “You’re what? How drunk are you?”

  “Since when?” He lowered his drink, showing her a serious expression. “Since the beginning of the twenty-first century, or since the seventh? Because I really hit my stride in the last few decades.”

  Paris leaned forward. “Wait, you’re serious? You’re the king of the fae? What are you doing here? In a bar…on Roya Lane? Don’t you have a kingdom?”

  He nodded. “I have a huge kingdom with champagne-filled lazy rivers and chocolate fountains and a bunch of fae who tell me how wonderful I am. It’s all very boring.”

  “Sounds rough,” Paris said dryly.

  “Anyway, let’s back up, shall we?” He offered a hand across the table. “King Rudolf Sweetwater at your service.”

  Paris simply flashed a polite smile at the offered hand. “Pleased to meet you, King. I’m Paris Westbridge. I’d shake your hand, but I haven’t washed mine in a while.”

  He nodded. “It’s been a few years for me too.”

  She grimaced. “I meant an hour.”

  “Anyhow,” the king sang casually, “I’m here to hang out with my people in the real world. Sadly it’s been a long time. I wasn’t allowed on Roya Lane because meanie Daddy Time said so. He totally banished me from Roya Lane, but today that all changed.”

  Paris took a drink. “Am I supposed to know what you’re talking about?”

  King Rudolf shrugged. “Probably not. Most don’t.”

  “Pssst,” Faraday said from beside Paris on the booth seat, still out of sight.

  She glanced down, seeing the squirrel pointing at his drink on the table.

  “Oh,” she chirped, remembering his brandy. She grabbed it and slid it under the table.

  King Rudolf, spying this, gave her a curious look.

  “I’m giving this to my squirrel,” she explained.

  He nodded as if this made perfect sense. “Whatever floats your boat. I sometimes hoard drinks but say they’re for the baby. No one is going to argue with you on that one. We all know how difficult it is to take alcohol from a baby, as the popular saying goes.”

  Paris wondered for a moment if English was the king’s second language…or maybe third or fourth. “I think it’s candy. It’s as easy as taking candy from a baby.”

  He laughed. “That’s wrong. Everyone knows babies aren’t allowed to have candy.”

  Paris looked down at the squirrel sipping the brandy, wondering if Faraday found this exchange as strange as she did.

  “Well, thanks for the drink.” Paris held up her glass to King Rudolf. “I don’t want to keep you from your party or your kingdom or anything at all.”

  The fae waved her off. “No worries on that. My party ordered me away from the table. Apparently, I offended them.” King Rudolf indicated a nearby table where three gorgeous girls sat, all shooting daggers at him with their eyes. One had brown hair, another blonde, and the third was strawberry blonde.

  “Are they mad because you took them all out at once?” Paris had heard about the promiscuous ways of the fae and never fully understood it.

  He shook his head. “Oh, no. They prefer that I take them all out together. That’s not why they’re mad.”

  King Rudolf patted his lap and smiled at the table of angry women. “Come on. Don’t be mad at me. Why don’t you come and sit on Daddy’s lap?”

  Paris pushed back in the booth, totally shocked. “Wow, well, maybe that’s why they’re angry at you if you talk to them like that.”

  “Oh, you think?” King Rudolf asked. “I could try something different.” He looked at the table again. “Hey, Boo Boo. Who’s your Daddy?”

  Paris took a drink to keep herself from punching the king of the fae, which would no doubt put her in jail, no passing “Go,” no collecting a toothbrush, or anything else. “You realize that it’s super offensive to call yourself their daddy?”

  He spun to face her. “I tried to get them to call me King Rudolf, but ever since they were babies, it’s been ‘Daddy this’ and ‘Daddy that.’ Children do whatever they want regardless.”

  Paris nearly slammed down her glass with disbelief. “Wait. Those ladies…those are your children?”

  Chapter Sixty

  “Yeah, but they’re mad at me,” King Rudolf admitted, finishing his drink and holding the glass in the air to get the waitress’ attention. “Another round, Brenda!”

  The waitress looked over from the bar and shook her head, but Paris assumed she’d be over with the drinks shortly. Who would defy the king of the fae? Well, besides his daughters.

  “You’re so young, and they’re so young…I didn’t think…” Paris found herself nearly at a loss.

  “Oh, well, I’m full-blooded fae so I’ll be hot until the day I die,” he explained. “They will pretty much too, but they’re halflings, which is why they’re mad at me. Apparently, I’m in trouble for them being born. Sue me!”

  Paris glanced down at Faraday, wondering if he was making sense of any of this. The squirrel was doing an impressive job finishing his brandy and seeming to enjoy it. “I’m sure I’ll regret asking this, but can you back up and explain what happened and why your children are over there scowling at you?”

  He nodded as Brenda, or whatever the waitress’ name was, bro
ught another round of drinks, including another brandy for Faraday, although Paris wasn’t sure he needed it. “About six hundred years ago, I was born—”

  “Maybe we skip to the relevant parts,” Paris interrupted.

  “Fine.” King Rudolf sounded disappointed. “So I sacrificed one hundred years of my life for their mother, to bring her back from the dead. Otherwise, the day was like any old regular one.”

  “Sounds like it,” Paris said dryly.

  “We were married in a grand affair,” King Rudolf said. “It was really fancy. There were goats.”

  “Wow…”

  “I know,” he agreed, nodding. “Anyway, I made their mother my queen. Because she’s mortal and I’m the lustrous fae, we aren’t supposed to breed, so I brought in a giantess expert and a voodoo doctor, and we were able to do the impossible and have triplet children who are all half-mortal and half-fae. There you have it. Now I’m the scum of the Earth.”

  Paris tilted her head, her mind cramping. “I’m missing the whole part of why they’re mad at you.”

  “Oh!” he sang and jumped up. “Well, there aren’t any others like them. Halflings don’t exist since it should be impossible for different races to mix, although there are always exceptions, as we plainly see.”

  “Plainly,” Paris agreed, looking at the table of women.

  “So they’re mad at me because they’re unique and don’t fit in anywhere,” King Rudolf explained. “They don’t fit in with the fae since they’re half-mortal and don’t fit in with the mortals because they’re pretty.”

  “I guess I do understand that,” Paris stated. “But I’m not sure how it’s your fault. I mean, you were in love and simply wanted to have a child with this woman…who by the way, you did what for?”

  “Went to Taco Bell at midnight most nights to get her food she was craving,” King Rudolf answered.

  Paris shook her head. “No, I was referring to that part where you brought her back from the dead.”

  “Oh, that!” He threw his hand in the air dismissively. “Not a big deal. I had to get an illegal stone from Father Time and fight a mermaid and bring my love back and sacrifice a hundred years.”

  “Yeah, sounds easy,” Paris muttered while stirring her drink.

  “That’s what you do for love,” King Rudolf stated. “The Captains were supposed to be our love children, but now they’re grown up and mad.”

  “Captains?” Paris questioned.

  “Oh, and not only did I make them unique,” King Rudolf stated, “but I named them all Captain.”

  “Why?”

  “So that way they had a title.”

  Paris sat back in the booth. “You get that’s not how it works, right? Please tell me you understand that.”

  “Of course it is,” he argued.

  “You have to earn that title or have a boat or something,” she countered.

  “Captain Morgan has a large vessel.” King Rudolf pointed at the brunette. “Captain Kirk has a spaceship…somewhere.” He indicated the blonde. “Captain Silver has a fish restaurant.” The fae motioned to the last woman.

  Paris planted both of her elbows on the table and cradled her chin. “If you were sent here to make me question my sanity, it’s working.”

  “Why does everyone always say that to me?” he asked, quite seriously.

  “Anyway, I guess I could understand your daughters feeling different,” Paris stated. “But that bit about what you did for your wife is sweet. That sounds like true love.”

  He smiled broadly, showing sparkly white teeth. “It is. I’d give up more of my life to ensure Serena was always with me. She’s the love of my life.”

  Paris sighed and sipped her drink. “I wished I understood how love like that worked.”

  “Oh, it’s not rocket math,” King Rudolf stated.

  Paris was going to correct him, but after knowing the fae for only a short time knew it wasn’t worth the effort.

  “Our story is one for the storybooks, for sure,” King Rudolf continued. “Oh, and I once had a friend. Her love story was one to rival ours.”

  Paris was surprised to find that she was intrigued. Maybe it was the alcohol or because despite being dumb, King Rudolf was charming and entertaining. “Tell me this story.”

  “Well,” Rudolf drew out the word, “I once had a friend, who I don’t think you’ve heard about. Her name was Liv Beaufont…”

  Paris thought for a moment, a funny sensation suddenly needling in her mind for some strange reason. However, the name didn’t ring a bell. “No, I haven’t heard of her. Please go on.”

  Chapter Sixty-One

  “Well,” King Rudolf began, his eyes dazzling as he sat back in the booth. “Liv and her husband, Stefan Ludwig, had a beautiful love story. You see, they were both Warriors for the House of Fourteen.”

  Paris didn’t know much about the organization that governed magic outside Roya Lane, all law enforcement on that street falling under Uncle John’s jurisdiction.

  “Back then,” the king of the fae continued, “Warriors from different families weren’t allowed to be together. The Council who assigned them their missions thought they’d dilute their royal blood. However, Liv, who always fought for what she believed, protested until she got them to change the rules. She risked everything—her family’s position, her reputation, and a comfortable life. Warriors notoriously have dangerous jobs and two together, well, they always had trouble barking up their door, never a dull moment.”

  Paris nodded, having a glimpse of that with Uncle John. He hardly slept, and his jurisdiction was much, much smaller. “What happened to them? Are they still together?”

  He shrugged. “Wish I knew. They had a child, but due to the nature of their jobs, they were never seen. It wasn’t safe. Liv and Stefan kept a low profile for a few years and one day disappeared. Well, at least Liv doesn’t return my calls anymore, but she’s been trying to ditch me since I made her fight a mermaid and nearly had her murdered by the queen of the fae.”

  “Imagine that,” Paris chimed dryly.

  “I know, some people are so sensitive. Anyway, my point in telling you this story is that when two people are in love, you have to take away what divides them. You can push them together with a mega force, but if there’s a wall between them, your efforts are worthless. Instead, remove the wall, and you don’t have to push them together—they’ll naturally magnetize to one another.” He smiled, a twinkle in his eyes. “Because I think that two people who have chemistry want to be in love, they simply need the obstacles removed. Bring someone back from the dead or take away the laws that divide them. Once two lovers don’t have barriers, there is no job for a matchmaker. You can stand back and let them love each other.”

  Paris blinked, wondering why this strange fae was giving her exactly the advice she needed to hear. She wanted to question it, but also, everything in her mind suddenly felt so clear despite the rum and Coke. She knew how to get the two lovers together at Happily Ever After College. How to pass the exam. It all made perfect sense…

  “Why did you share this with me?” Paris had to ask.

  King Rudolf indicated the locket lying next to Paris on the table. “Because you appear to have had your heart broken, so I thought I’d offer my experience.”

  Paris grabbed the locket protectively. “Actually, I’ve never had my heart broken.”

  He nodded. “Then maybe that’s your problem. You have to put your heart out there to have it broken.”

  She glanced down at the engraving: “You’ve got to keep breaking your heart until it opens.”

  “Yeah, maybe,” she muttered absentmindedly.

  “Anyway, I’m not sure exactly why I shared so much,” King Rudolf admitted. “Sometimes you just feel like sharing, and for some reason, it feels like I know you.”

  Paris nodded, not able to argue with this. The king did seem oddly familiar. For some reason, his stories seemed to unlock something in her, like that morning when she woke up and f
elt different. All the information he’d shared bounced around in her mind, giving her so many confusing feelings.

  “Well, thanks,” She finished her drink. “Your stories were oddly helpful.” She glanced at the clock on the wall. It was ten to midnight. How had the time gone by so fast? Darting to a standing position, Paris felt her head swim from the drinks. “I have to get out of here.” She glanced down at Faraday, who was finishing his drink too, and looked ready to cuddle up for a nap. “Are you coming?”

  The squirrel sprang up suddenly on his back paws with alarm on his face.

  “Oh, hey there, little guy,” King Rudolf chirped.

  Paris pointed at the squirrel. “You can see him?”

  The fae nodded. “Can you?”

  She laughed. “Yes. The question is, can you hear him?”

  “Well, no,” King Rudolf stated.

  Paris deflated, realizing that she was going crazy.

  “Maybe that’s because he hasn’t said anything yet,” King Rudolf added.

  “What do you want me to say?” Faraday swayed.

  King Rudolf leaned forward as though a talking squirrel wasn’t weird at all. “That’s a good question. Have you heard any good jokes lately?”

  Paris laughed again, this time with relief. “Maybe later. We have somewhere to be. See you later. And thanks.”

  She grabbed the squirrel and ran for the exit, hoping that she had enough time to get back to Happily Ever After College before it was too late.

  Chapter Sixty-Two

  Faraday sprang out of Paris’ arms when they stepped through the portal onto the Enchanted Grounds of Happily Ever After College. She took off at a sprint, hurdling over the stairs and bursting through the front door to FGE, thankfully finding it open. The hallway was deserted but that made sense based on the late hour. Paris hoped that it wasn’t too late and she could retake the exam.