Lockdown with My Billionaire Boss : Second Chance Office Romance

by Sloane Peterson

  And then sometimes the mood would just end up so perfect that we wound up having sex anyway…

  I really don’t know how soon is too soon to start busting out the four letter L-word once you start seeing someone. Saying it too early can be a recipe for disaster, especially when it’s a girl saying it to a guy, or at least that’s what I’ve found to be the case.

  All things considered, I’d say I managed to restrain myself pretty admirably. But whatever I did or didn’t say to him, my feelings for Malcolm were what I’d always imagined true love to feel like. I’d once thought I loved Dennis, but the feeling I’d had then wasn’t anything at all like what I was experiencing now. He and I had become the kind of couple that says “I love you” without even thinking about it. And however sweet that might sound, that was kind of the problem, because we never actually had to mean it when we said it.

  Ours had been the kind of resigned love a married couple might arrive at following decades spent in a relationship. A love based more on commitment than on genuine emotion. You reach a point in, say, a marriage when your lives become too entangled to even begin to try and separate them. You share a mortgage, a dog, a kid, your finances, and so on and so forth, and the idea of having to split your lives back up again seems close to impossible, compared with the simple ease of simply coasting along through life together, in something manufactured to at least resemble genuine “love.”

  It said a lot that this was what Dennis and I had aspired to from the beginning, and there’d never really been any puppy love or honeymoon phase to our relationship.

  This was not the case at all when it came to Malcolm, and I realized what an incredible difference that made. I was deeply enamored with this man, and from the ways he treated me I could tell he was just as enamored with me, even if he hadn’t yet gotten around to putting it into those three perfect words I was longing to hear.

  I was in no hurry, though. Things between us were wonderful enough as they were, and I was confident that things would happen at the exact pace that they needed to between us.

  _____

  Early one evening Malcolm texted me, and asked me if I wanted to take a walk with him through the city, as he’d suggested I do so many weeks ago when I complained about feeling cooped up. This seemed like a lovely idea, and the two of us embarked from my apartment building into the warm summer evening, a gentle breeze wafting its way through the streets as we went.

  It felt like another perfect evening, the two of us talking and laughing at the corny jokes we made. This, I thought, was exactly what true happiness felt like, and I couldn’t believe that I’d somehow gone on for so long without knowing it.

  “Do you think we’ll ever go back to normal?” I asked him as we strolled past a drug store, and watched an elderly woman with a mask on leaving with a prescription.

  “Normal wasn’t all it was cracked up to be,” said Malcolm, shrugging. “I mean I’m not trying to be insensitive. I know there are people who are really struggling through all this, and I’m in a position where I’m definitely pretty sheltered from a lot of that. But as far as the day to day stuff, people trying to hurry back to bars and beaches, like having a good time is more important than protecting the people around them. I guess my attitude is just kind of like, to hell with that. I mean it would be nice if some things could go back to normal, for sure. I just can’t stand the people who are willing to sacrifice everyone around them to make that happen. They’re just making it impossible for the country to ever safely reopen, anyway.”

  “Yeah, I’ve pretty much had to stop tuning into the news,” I said. “As much as I want to stay informed, I really can’t stand seeing how ridiculous people have been acting.”

  “I hear you,” said Malcolm, then he laughed. “Sorry, I wasn’t trying to get all heavy-handed about it. I guess it just gets me into a bad mood to think about that stuff.”

  “Me too,” I said with a grin, and he smiled back at me. He looked dazzling at that moment, in the golden light of the slowly setting sun, and I took in his beautiful visage for a few seconds before turning back to the sidewalk ahead.

  “I think things will eventually get back to normal, or almost at least, but it will be a while. I’ve heard a lot of different opinions, about whether it will take a few months, or even years.”

  “God, just take me now,” I said, letting my head roll back in defeat. Malcolm laughed.

  “I’m trying to stay optimistic,” he said. “I think it’ll mostly depend on whether A., people finally stop acting like idiots and actually follow the guidelines like they’re supposed to- highly unlikely… Or B., until they figure out how to come up with a vaccine and make it publicly available. I’m thinking it’ll probably be the latter that comes first, to be completely honest about it.”

  “Yeah, sadly I figure you’re right,” I said.

  We went on for a few more blocks, not saying all that much. We walked past recently closed-up businesses and restaurants, as well as a few that were doing their damnedest to try and safely reopen, with gluts of customers lined up outside, overflowing to excess after having migrated from their preferred locales, which had evidently been closed down.

  There was definitely a melancholy about the streets, but I still felt fairly serene with Malcolm by my side. The scent of the warm breeze blowing in from the sea made me feel calm and at ease, and I felt like I could have spent the rest of my life walking around with this man standing next to me.

  “What do you miss the most?” he asked finally, as we waited at an intersection for the crosswalk light to change.

  “From the Before Days you mean?” I asked, and he laughed.

  “Right,” he said.

  I screwed my mouth over to one side of my face, considering my answer to this question. The red hand of the crosswalk sign flashed over to the little green stickman, and we shuffled along the crosswalk, continuing our conversation.

  “Honestly I kind of just miss going to movie theaters,” I said with a shrug. “I mean I know that’s dumb, I just always loved going to the movies. It was just different from sitting around and watching a movie at home, you know? It’s like, total and complete escapism.”

  “Interesting,” he said. “Yeah, I can see what you mean. It is weird to think that they’ve been shut down for so long. This is, like, the first year without movie theaters since movies started being a thing.”

  “God I didn’t even think about it that way,” I said. “That is super weird.”

  He laughed. “I do actually have a theory about that though. About movies, I mean…”

  I smirked, ready to be amused. “Oh yeah, and what might that be?”

  “You know how that god-awful Cats movie came out last year? The one based on the musical, with the weird uncanny valley CGI?”

  “Ugh, thanks for reminding me… I’m still having nightmares about that movie, and I haven’t even seen it.”

  He laughed again. “I saw someone post something about how it’s a pretty strange coincidence that this whole global pandemic started right after that movie came out. I’m pretty sure God is punishing humanity for ever allowing that monstrosity to see the light of day…”

  I snorted with laughter, shaking my head in wonderment.

  “Oh, God!” I said, tears spilling from my eyes as I laughed. “YES! I am one hundred percent certain that is exactly what this is!”

  “Tom Hooper ought to be locked away in the Hague for what he did to this country!” he added, and we kept joking about this for a few more minutes before silence reclaimed the space between us once more.

  “What about you?” I finally asked.

  “What about me?” said Malcolm. “You think I should be locked up in the Hague with Tom Hooper?”

  I chuckled. “Noooo. I mean what do you miss about the way things were? What are you most looking forward to, as far as things going back to normal are concerned?”

  Malcolm sighed, gazing off toward the setting sun on the horizon. We crossed throu
gh another intersection, and it was a while before he gave me an answer.

  “Not much, really,” he said with a shrug. “I mean, not for me. For the rest of the world, obviously, I can’t wait for this to be over. I hate seeing people lose their jobs, having to worry about being evicted. Getting sick, losing loved ones… If I could wave a hand and make all of that go away, obviously I’d do it in a heartbeat.”

  “That’s sweet,” I doted on him.

  “But as far as I’m concerned, on a personal level? I dunno… I’ve really sort of just appreciated having a chance to slow down. Take a step back. Examine my life, you know.”

  I nodded. “Yeah,” I said. “Yeah, I guess I can see what you mean.”

  “You know, we talked about just going out for a walk, and how much of a luxury that feels like most of the time. It’s something anyone can do for free, but we’re always so wrapped up in day-to-day life, so busy with everything, that that kind of stuff just doesn’t occur to us. And I dunno. It’s just been nice, I guess. And things between you and me…”

  My heart quickened at this. I smiled to myself, and felt full to the brim with happiness.

  “That has been nice,” I agreed, egging him on. He smiled at me.

  “It has,” he said with a nod. “And it really puts into perspective just how out of control my personal life was getting before all of this. The way things are between us, though… This is how things should be.”

  I felt my heart swelling with joy, with the satisfaction of being wanted by this man, and once again the four-letter L-word came floating into my consciousness.

  But before I could get too excited, Malcolm’s next words immediately sent me crashing to the ground.

  “No pressure. No commitment. No strings attached. Just two adults having fun with each other, enjoying each other’s company.”

  A painful, twisted knot formed suddenly in my throat. I tried to speak, but I couldn’t. I tried to think, but my mind felt frozen in place.

  He went on, oblivious to how I was feeling beside him. “Anyway, I just feel like it took a drastic shift in how the world operates for us to realize how broken our idea of normal is. Maybe now we can start fixing some of what’s wrong, instead of just trying to rush back to the way things were.”

  “Yeah,” I finally managed to choke out, struggling to hold back tears. “Yeah, maybe so.”

  If he noticed how silent I suddenly became, he gave absolutely no indication of the fact.

  We walked on for a bit more as the sun set, and darkness overtook the city. He kept trying to make lighthearted conversation, but I barely responded to him, and after a while things were totally quiet between the two of us.

  “Well… It’s getting pretty dark out,” he finally offered, still apparently oblivious to what was going on inside me. “Do you want to head back to my place? I can fix us dinner. Maybe we can check out that new bonus episode of Lord of the Lions they just added, I’ve been wondering about that ever since it was announced.”

  I felt something hot spilling down along the side of my face. I actually was crying now, and I thanked the Lord that it was dark out, praying that Malcolm wouldn’t be able to see me.

  “No, that’s- not tonight,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m really tired all of the sudden. I think I just need to go home and get some rest.”

  I didn’t look directly at him, but I could tell that he was giving me a kind of cockeyed stare, finally able to tell that something was amiss with me.

  “Okay, then… Well, I can walk you home then, alright?” he asked.

  I shook my head again. “No, go on back to your place. I need to clear my head for a while, then I’ll just grab a cab home.”

  “I mean… If that’s what you want to do, I-” he began. Then after a moment’s pause he reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. “Here, I can at least give you money for cab fare…”

  “I can pay for my own damn cab ride!” I yelled at him, and stormed down the sidewalk in the opposite direction.

  “Annalise! Annalise, wait!” he called after me, but I just kept striding forward until he gradually fell out of earshot.

  _____

  I lay curled up on my bed in a heap of self-loathing. I didn’t undress after I got home, but laid there for hours in the clothes I’d had on during our walk.

  “No pressure. No commitment. No strings attached.”

  That’s all I was to him, then, after all this time spent together. Nothing more than a living, breathing sex toy.

  It wasn’t like I’d expected him to get down on one knee after only a few weeks. Hell, I didn’t even expect him to tell me he loved me at this point, even if I’d been pretty sure that that was exactly how I was feeling about him.

  But now I understood that he’d never taken our relationship seriously at all- hell, it wasn’t even actually a relationship in his eyes. It was just him getting his dick wet, passing the time during quarantine with someone he knew wanted him badly enough to let him get away with it.

  “That bastard… That rich, freaking bastard!” I snarled through my teeth, unable to come up with a better way to describe him, which I felt could even begin to encapsulate how I truly felt at that moment.

  “I’m not ready to settle, okay?”

  Now Dennis’s words came flooding back to me. The ones I’d come so close to forgetting once Malcolm stepped back into my life.

  Malcolm had made me feel so wanted, so adored. This sexy, successful, incredible man had made me feel like I was the center of his universe, and not at all the kind of woman that a man has to “settle” for.

  How could I be anything less than the ideal woman, if the ideal man had made it crystal clear how badly he wanted me?

  But that was the thing, wasn’t it? He wanted me, he didn’t need me.

  I was his rebound, his in-between girl to have some fun with before the next flawless supermodel came along.

  “No pressure. No commitment. No strings attached...”

  In fact, I realized, we’d never really laid out the terms of our relationship. There had been no discussion beforehand except that stupid secksbuddy joke we had. All this time I thought that things between us were growing to a level so far beyond that, when in reality he still saw me as nothing more than his lockdown slam-piece…

  How long would it be before he grew completely tired of me? Would he keep stringing me along until the end of the pandemic, and then toss me aside like nothing once he had the chance to go out and start properly dating again?

  “You’re such an idiot, Annalise…” I yelled into my pillow. “You’re such a naive, stupid idiot!”

  Suddenly my phone buzzed on my nightstand. I turned to see a message from Malcolm, and slammed my finger into the icon, wanting to consume it as furiously as I could.

  “Everything okay? Please just tell me what’s going on, I can tell something was off between us tonight,” he wrote, and this made my blood boil.

  “Screw you!” I yelled at my iPhone, as though he could actually hear me in any way, shape, or form. “You’re the one who’s off, you spoiled little asshole!”

  I jammed my thumb into the power button, and switched off my phone without bothering to reply to him. My silence was all the answer that jerk deserved right now.

  I tossed my phone back onto the bedside table, swung my body back around to face the corner, and gradually drifted into a black, dreamless, unhappy sleep.

  _____

  Malcolm texted me several times over the course of the next few days, and tried to call me a couple of times. I wondered immediately upon waking that first morning whether I’d made a mistake, whether I’d overreacted and misconstrued what he was saying.

  But somehow, everything new text he sent to me kept making me angrier and angrier.

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Did I do something wrong?”

  “Whatever this is, can we talk about it?”

  It dawned on me that he didn’t even realize what he’d sa
id, or how it might have affected me, and it grew clearer and clearer how little I must therefore have amounted to in his eyes.

  I managed to restrain myself through some intense effort. I didn’t explode on him the way I’d done the night before. I still needed time to process all of this, and I didn’t want to prematurely burn my bridges, lest I come back down to reality and decide I was being a drama queen.

  “I just need some time to myself right now,” I texted back, and didn’t bother checking his response when it came. Instead I immediately sent a message to my supervisor at Goldfinch, apologizing for the short notice, but letting her know that I would be using my two weeks’ vacation time effective the following Monday. The prospect of having to deal with Malcolm in even a professional capacity was just too much for me to have to deal with right now.

  And so the following days ensued.

  I spent nearly all of that time with my phone switched off. I sometimes flipped it back on and saw that Malcolm had sent me another message or two, but I couldn’t bring myself to read them.

  I felt ridiculous. Humiliated. I’d been brought up, trained, to seek out a certain type of stability in a partner. Maybe the kind of love I’d been searching for with Malcolm had been too much to hope for, but the way things had fallen apart with Dennis had been proof that I couldn’t even maintain a sterile, loveless relationship for the sake of trying to build a life together with someone.

  There was, apparently, something fundamentally wrong with me. Something that made men averse to taking a relationship with me seriously. I was better off not bothering with them anymore. I should content myself with being single, with growing into an old maid on my own, having spent my entire life focusing solely on my career.

  And hell, even that aspect of my life was in hot water now. You can’t just hook up with your boss and then ghost him, and expect things to be hunky dory at your workplace the next day.

  It was hard for me to even think as I lounged around in my apartment over those drawn-out, meaningless days. More than anything, I just wanted this stupid pandemic to end already. I knew that it was wearing me down on top of everything else, and I had this silly idea that once the world got back to normal, I might suddenly arrive at some clarity about all of this. I could finally take a step back, and assess my life for what it really was, and start making the changes that I needed to make.