Burn for Me

by Lea Coll

  “And you know Stella and Sawyer,” Luke said, gesturing at them.

  “Yeah,” Wyatt nodded at them, “we run into each other on campus a lot. I work with the Chester River Field Research Station.”

  “The college has a River and Field Campus, the research station is a part of that,” Sawyer said.

  “Yeah, I contribute to the classes, speak to the students, and help them with their research questions,” Wyatt said. “But I need to get to work. It was great seeing you.” With one final look at me, he said, “Hope to see you around.”

  My face flushed as I felt Logan’s eyes on me. It felt good that Wyatt was interested in me. He was straightforward, asking to hang out in front of the group, which meant he knew what he wanted and wasn’t afraid to go for it.

  I didn’t know him well growing up. He was always the younger kid running around the marina with Lucy, getting into trouble. But he’d grown up and filled out his uniform nicely. I couldn’t help but wonder what I’d do if I ran into him again and he asked me out? He’d be the safer choice, but I didn’t feel any pull toward him. Unfortunately, I found men in suits more attractive than men in uniforms.

  LOGAN WATCHED ME APPROACH AS I walked across the campus green to meet him by the benches near the stadium the following morning, and his eyes traveled lazily from my head to my toes. “Workouts starting to pay off, huh? He stepped into my space, placed his hands on my shoulders, and slowly spun me, so I faced away from him. “Don’t get mad. You looked amazing before, but,” he groaned, “your ass in these leggings—” His voice was husky and his breath tickled the shell of my ear as he leaned in closer.

  I closed my eyes, savoring the warmth of his hands on my shoulders, and resisted leaning back into his chest to feel my ass pressed against him. I wanted his hand to slowly make its way down the front of my body, grazing my nipples, and slipping under my leggings and panties. His voice drew me to him—giving me naughty thoughts I had no business having.

  I stepped away and turned to face him, so his hands fell from my shoulders, breaking the moment. “It’s all those squats and lunges you make me do.”

  He cleared his throat. “You do need to build up your muscles and cross-train to prevent injuries.” His words were practical but his eyes were intense on mine. “Ready to warm up?”

  I bit my lip, not saying what I was thinking—my body was already heated from his hands on me. We ran through some light stretches. I’d never wanted to explore this physical attraction to Logan more, but I couldn’t forget why I was working at Gunner. I needed to focus on winning the partner-track position since a hefty salary and bonus would put a nice dent in my student loans. If one of us got the partner-track position, a relationship with an associate was forbidden. I couldn’t let a pretty face and dimples get between me and what I’ve always wanted.

  “You ready?”

  I nodded as I turned on the music on my phone and started a light jog, exiting the campus and running through the downtown area which was quiet at this time in the morning. I normally enjoyed the quiet, the slight chill in the air, and the company. We’d worked up to running twenty minutes together and I was stronger and more in shape than ever. But my reaction to Logan agitated me. I didn’t want this attraction to him. It complicated everything.

  Jogging for a few more minutes in silence, Logan reached out to touch my shoulder, so I pulled my earbuds out. “Have you thought any more about getting a dog?”

  “You know I don’t have time for a dog. Are you encouraging me to get a dog to eliminate your competition? I’ll need to work less to take care of the dog and you can capitalize on it?” I knew I was provoking him, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted to push back after our connection during our last two workouts. He’d said he wanted me and I wasn’t ready for what that meant. I could lose my job if I got involved with him and I couldn’t risk it. It was easier before we worked together when we fought.

  He shot me an annoyed look. “No, Ashley. You don’t think very highly of me, do you?”

  I instantly felt guilty for pushing him away, for telling him things I didn’t believe, but I didn’t see any other way around it. I needed to keep my distance from him. I’d always been drawn to him, but it couldn’t work.

  “Why are you doing this? Why are you pushing me away?”

  “I’m not.” I couldn’t tell him about my trust issues. That I didn’t trust my judgment after my last relationship ended unexpectedly. That Greg felt like he competed with me and in the end, he couldn’t handle my success. We didn’t know each other enough for that, did we? Then there was the issue of the day we met. I didn’t want to open myself up to him. To make myself vulnerable. So instead, I lied. “Some people just don’t get along.” He was silent for a minute as we entered campus and headed toward the track. “And I can’t forget we compete for the same job. We’re not friends.”

  “What have I ever done to make you think I’d do something to sabotage your job?”

  Nothing. The answer was he’d done nothing. Ever since we’d started working together, he’d been cordial, supportive, and friendly. But I couldn’t say that and keep my distance from him.

  His face was tight and a muscle ticked in his jaw. “I’m going to run my own pace now.” He took off without waiting for a response, leaving me in the dust.

  I came to a stop, my hands on my hips, my chest heaving as I struggled to get a deep breath, I’d never felt worse about myself as a person. I was ashamed at how I pushed him away. And he was right; he’d never done anything to me. The nicer Logan was—the closer we got—the more scared I was. I knew if I gave him a chance, he had the power to hurt me. It was easier this way.

  I watched Logan run around the track, lap after lap seemingly going faster. He was angry at me and for the first time, that really bothered me. I didn’t want him to think I was this bad person. Someone who would say the things I did. I slowly went through a few stretches as sweat dripped down my back, my hair falling from my ponytail, and my stomach in knots. I did what I thought I needed to do to protect my heart and my job, but I felt awful.

  LATER THAT MORNING, I COULDN’T stop replaying our fight in my mind when the partner, Charles Anderson, came into my office without greeting me. “Where is the appellate brief I asked you to write?” I panicked trying to remember when the brief was due.

  “Oh, I dictated it and gave it to Kelli. Let me check with her.” I rounded my desk to find her aware that Charles was watching.

  “Kelli, do you know where the appellate brief dictation is? I gave it to you a few days ago.” My stomach sank because it should have been done by now and it completely slipped my mind. I should have followed up with her.

  When she looked up at me confused, I started shuffling through her inbox, not finding it.

  “I don’t remember ever seeing that file,” Kelli said.

  “This is the second time I’ve placed a file here and it’s seemingly disappeared before you could work on it.” I was embarrassed that I’d missed a deadline and was not on top of my files. I was not used to these kinds of mistakes.

  “I promise I didn’t see it,” she said glancing at Charles, who stood in front of her desk.

  “Please find the file,” I said through gritted teeth.

  “I have a deadline on this, Ashley. It needs to be completed today,” Charles said.

  He had every right to be pissed, but I tried to remain calm and professional. “I already dictated it. We’ll find the file and I’ll have it on your desk today.”

  “See that you do.” He stalked off.

  Whether Kelli ultimately screwed up or not, the responsibility fell on me. The question was whether my oversight would affect my chance at the partner-track position.

  “Way to make me look like shit in front of Charles. Thanks a lot,” Kelli hissed.

  I needed to talk to the office manager. Whatever was going on with my files was not okay. Finding the file in the cabinet, she handed it to me. I quickly rifled through, finding my wor
k order inside the file instead of clipped to the front. “What is going on? I put the work order and the file in your inbox, but the files are being filed instead of worked on.”

  “I have no idea.” She held her hands up. “I promise it’s not me. I have a separate area marked to-be-filed and those are the only files I’ll file at the end of the day.” She gestured to the area on top of her shelf.

  So either someone moved my files to her to-be-filed pile or filed them in the cabinet themselves. I wasn’t sure who would do that. They were deliberately removing the work order and placing it inside the file.

  “Do you want me to do the dictation now and you can proofread it before you give it to Charles?”

  “Yeah, that would be great.” I was surprised she’d offered to do my work. Hopefully, that meant she wasn’t the one messing with my files.

  I collapsed into my chair and dropped my head into my hands. My life was a mess right now. A partner thought I was incompetent and Logan was angry with me. Being off-kilter was a foreign feeling for me. Things in my life usually went according to plan. I lifted my head and texted the girls. I needed reinforcements.

  After the girls agreed to meet up later that night, I popped my head into the office manager, Linda’s office. She was the only other employee, besides attorneys, who garnered her own office.

  “Yes? Isn’t it a little soon for you to complain?” she asked, her brow raised and her fingers poised over the keyboard.

  I paused, unsure how to respond.

  “Don’t look so surprised; everyone comes in here to complain. I’m the office psychiatrist.”

  Feeling a little better, I closed the door and sat down across from her. “I’m having some issues with work I put on Kelli’s desk.”

  She put her hand up to stop me. “First of all, Kelli is required to do partner’s work before associate’s work. If that means you need to do your typing, then so be it.”

  I gritted my teeth. “That’s not why I’m here. Two files I placed in her inbox were filed in the cabinet with work incomplete. The work order was removed from the top of the file and placed in my filing cabinet.”

  “And you didn’t follow up with her to ensure the work was done?”

  “Unfortunately, I didn’t realize it until it was too late.”

  “Maybe next time, you’ll follow up and catch it before this blows up into a bigger issue.”

  “Don’t you think it’s weird the work is being filed and not worked on?” It was my understanding that Linda was supposed to oversee the division of work between the attorneys and the secretaries.

  She sighed. “You’re new here, so let me explain something. You’re ultimately responsible for the work that goes out. If that means you need to do it yourself, then—”

  “That seems a little short-sighted when I can’t bill for secretarial tasks.” I knew the partners wouldn’t want me wasting time making copies.

  “The fact of the matter is that you’re perfectly capable of handling your typing, copies, and filing. Kelli’s priority is to make sure the partners’ work is done first.”

  She was missing the point. It’s not like Kelli refused to do the work and returned it to me. The files were deliberately removed from her desk and re-filed. “Please make a record that my work isn’t being completed and the files are placed in the filing cabinet without consulting me. I’ll send a follow-up email with the file names so you’ll have them.” If there was another issue in the future, I wanted a paper trail. If I allowed a secretary to continue to make mistakes and didn’t report it, I could get in trouble down the line.

  “You do that.” Her lips were drawn into a straight line. When I stood, she continued, “You need to be careful, Ms. Cook. Most of the partners aren’t too keen to hire a female lawyer. You’d do best to fly under the radar, especially while you’re on probation.”

  “And why is that?” I kept my voice steady. I didn’t want her to know her threat had gotten to me.

  “They don’t see the point in training you when you’re going to eventually get married and leave to have a family. You can’t have a family and work here; that’s for sure.”

  She’d phrased this in such a way it sounded like a quality of life issue instead of sexism, but it sure as hell sounded a lot like sexism to me. I left without another word. It was frustrating to deal with this attitude but I knew it was a risk when I decided to leave my government job to go to a private firm. In law school, we’d heard stories of firms not keen on hiring females for this exact reason. I’d prefer to work in a firm that didn’t have this culture, but I’d need to gain more civil law experience before I moved on.

  LATER THAT NIGHT, I ARRIVED last to Annie’s Wine Bar. “Sorry guys, I wasn’t up for cooking tonight.” I’d just dropped the brief on Charles’s desk and gotten here as fast as I could. From the empty wine glasses and their flushed faces, the girls were at least a glass or two into the evening. I needed to catch up.

  “I do love your jambalaya,” Emma said.

  “That’s good because that’s all I can make.” I ordered a glass of wine.

  “You say you can’t cook, but then you make the most amazing jambalaya,” Emma said.

  “My mom never taught me to cook. She was so busy with my sister, Kristen’s, dance competitions; she didn’t have time to teach me. And I’ve always been too busy to learn.”

  “If your mom was gone with your sister at the competitions that must have left you alone a lot,” Emma said.

  I shrugged like it didn’t matter, but it did. I was jealous that my sister got to do all of these fun things with my mom. They had this tight relationship that I wasn’t a part of and my parents’ approval of me was dependent on good grades. So I kept trying to get the perfect grades to get into the perfect college. Be the perfect daughter. But I’d always resented my little sister, Kristen. She was free to pursue what made her happy.

  “Who’s still standing in the great battle at the firm?” Stella asked, using her hand as a microphone.

  “I won’t be standing for long. Not how things are going,” I said, taking a sip of my wine.

  “What? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you not confident you’d come out on top,” Stella said.

  “Weird things are happening at work. I don’t know if I’m missing things or the secretary is lax. I put my work on my secretaries’ desk twice now and it’s been filed instead of her doing it.”

  “Maybe put a note on your calendar in a day to follow up and see where she is with it?” Emma asked.

  “That’s what I should have done the first time it happened. I’m worried I’m juggling too much and not getting enough sleep. Things are slipping.”

  “It could be the secretary too. Ours were so good at the public defender’s office,” Emma said.

  “I know. I took them for granted. And I don’t know Kelli yet,” I said.

  “You think they’ll pick Logan?” Emma asked.

  “I don’t know. I’m not even sure what their criteria are for choosing—billing the most hours, winning the most cases, bringing in new clients? I’m starting to think they want to keep us guessing,” I said.

  “How has Logan been to work with?” Samantha asked.

  “He’s been pretty cool. He’s been supportive when things have happened at work. I expected him to use it to his advantage, but he hasn’t. We’ve also been training for the race and Emma here sleeps more than she runs, so it’s just us.”

  “I can’t believe what I’m hearing. You guys are getting along?” Stella tilted her head back and looked at the ceiling. “Never thought this day would come.”

  The pit in my stomach hadn’t dissipated since my confrontation with Logan. “Don’t get too excited. I said some things to him I’m not proud of. He’s angry,” I said.

  “And we’re back,” Stella said.

  “I accused him of encouraging me to get a dog so I’d be distracted at work, giving him an advantage,” I said.

  “Ouch,” Samantha said.
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  “I don’t know. You guys have always gone back and forth—you’re oil and water,” Stella said.

  Was that it? Were we destined never to get along? Were our personalities too similar? No, I’d made a conscious decision to keep him at arm’s length and he’d finally called me on my behavior. I had no one to blame but myself. Thinking back to the look in his eyes when I’d first approached him this morning, his reaction to my body, his hands on me, how he’d stepped close to me, and how I didn’t want him to stop. He scared me.

  “Why are you so upset about it?” Samantha asked.

  “He’s right. He’s never done anything to me,” I said.

  “He’s never really been mad at you before. Usually, you guys seem to enjoy the back and forth. He usually keeps taking it to the next level with you, but he didn’t this time. You hurt him,” Samantha said.

  “I’ve always thought you guys were into each other,” Emma said. “Maybe he thought you were friends now that you work together, so returning to your old interactions was a surprise.”

  I’d been so afraid that he’d hurt me, that I hurt him first. We’d gotten to know each other on a different level. We were no longer just sparring partners—we were friends. But the fact that I’d hurt him, that he thought I was a bad person, was driving me crazy. One thing was certain—whether we were arguing or friends, we were no good together. If I was focused on him, I wasn’t focused on work.

  “HEY, SIS,” KRISTEN SAID WHEN I picked up my work phone the next day. I’d been out way too late for my five A.M. run, which we’d completed in silence. I didn’t know what to say to Logan, other than I’m sorry. Since those words rarely left my mouth when it came to Logan, I couldn’t do it.

  “Hey, why are you calling me at work?” I glanced at the clock on my computer. If I was talking to her, I wasn’t billing and didn’t want to get in trouble for a personal call.

  “Mom wants to start weekly family dinners. Can you believe it?”