If You Only Knew

by Jea Hawkins

  Getting caught up in musings wouldn’t fix anything, but it still made Sabrina smile. She leaned back in her chair and let her gaze wander. People-watching was a favorite pastime of hers and she could imagine Blythe doing the same, looking for the right subject.

  “Sabrina?”

  The voice was recently familiar, and the doubt in it sent a shockwave through her. Sabrina turned to face Blythe. She wore blue denim shorts and a Stars Ice Cream t-shirt. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail, her makeup minimal, and her eyes wide with surprise.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “Looking for you.” Sabrina wished she wasn’t sitting. The position put her at a disadvantage now that she had to face the music. “What are you doing here?”

  “I work here.” Blythe lowered her head and shuffled her feet along the wooden dock surrounding the ocean-facing side of the building. “My family doesn’t support me ever since… well, lots of things, and I’ve worked here every summer since. It’s how I pay the rent during the summers between semesters. I’m lucky I have scholarships for the school year and I’ve learned how to survive on limited means as a college student.”

  Pity softened Sabrina’s heart. She’d come to say what a jerk she’d been and now it seemed she was more of one than she’d known. “I asked around, but I couldn’t find you,” she said.

  “That’s because Blythe Jansen doesn’t exist. My real name is Britt, but when my parents kicked me out a couple of years ago, I decided I didn’t want to answer to that name ever again. If I was going to be true to myself, I wanted my name to be part of that.” Her glance flicked to the shop and then back to Sabrina. “I’m sorry for not telling you the truth, but if you’ve been asking around, you probably know at least some of it by now.”

  Sabrina pushed the chair back and stood, looking for a place to pitch the half-finished ice cream cone. If they were going to do this, she needed to not be distracted by sweet treats and sticky hands. “I know everyone here knows the Jansens and that they’re wealthy, maybe even richer than me or Miranda. Why did they kick you out?”

  Once the cone was deposited in a trash can, Sabrina turned and leaned back against the wooden rail that separated them from the ocean. The breeze picked up, stirring her curls wildly. It caught Blythe’s hair like a banner and all Sabrina wanted to do was wrap both hands around it, pull her close, and kiss her until everything was right between them. She tamped down the irrational urge. They still barely knew each other, but there was enough for Sabrina to know she couldn’t let Blythe go.

  “Which reason do you want? First, it was my refusal to go to learn something ‘useful’.” Blythe lifted her fingers in air quotes. “I chose an art school over the college they wanted. Then it was the fact that I’m gay. Even in our lovely blue state, there are some people who can’t accept those who are different. I had two choices: fall in line and do things their way, or get out. I got out, but I made sure to bring your books with me. They’d always helped me feel like I wasn’t alone.”

  Sabrina didn’t have to ask what Blythe meant by that. She almost always included a queer character in her books and, more often than not, the stories usually revolved around them. It’d been a brave choice to do it fifteen years ago. The idea that it still mattered today, that the representation was still important to readers, warmed her heart.

  “I had to meet you and the easiest way to do that was through Miranda. Her reputation precedes her, you know? A womanizer is way too easy to get in bed with. Well, metaphorically speaking.” For a moment, Blythe’s eyes went wild and her shoulders lifted, betraying her tension. “I meant it when I said I never slept with her. I just pulled the right strings to meet her and then told her what I wanted, which was to meet you.”

  Sabrina wanted to do something to soothe Blythe, to let her know she had nothing to worry about, so she reached out and squeezed her shoulder. After a few days of feeling like the rug had been jerked out from under her, the gesture helped everything tilt back into place. “I know. It’s okay. I believe you.”

  “It was probably the wrong way to go about it, but that article came out — the one that said you’re reclusive and unsociable, and…” Blythe sniffed, nose red and eyes glistening with tears. “Well, I didn’t want to just knock on your door and have you get angry that some random fan found you.”

  “You aren’t a random fan. You’re the woman who has my heart.” Sabrina took another step closer to her, lifting her other hand to caress Blythe’s face. “Miranda told me her side of everything, too and I believe you both. Here’s the thing — I wouldn’t have let myself get caught up in this little plot of hers if I didn’t want to. You didn’t go out of your way to impress me, like other women might. Even if you held back certain things at first, your behavior was genuine. I saw that we’re so alike, made for each other in how we view the world. It didn’t take much. It’s as though I’ve been waiting for you this entire time. I’d like to try this again, the right way.”

  Blythe nodded and blinked the tears from her eyes. “What does that mean, the right way?”

  “I don’t really know, but I think we can figure it out,” Sabrina whispered. Even though they were in public, on an island where everyone knew Blythe’s family, Sabrina drew her close and kissed her. To hell with Miranda, the Jansens, and anyone else watching.

  What Sabrina needed was here in her arms, far from fake and better than a fling. She wasn’t about to let it go a second time.

  ****

  The party for her latest book release wasn’t as swanky as the one for Miranda’s anniversary. There weren’t women vying for Sabrina’s attention or groups of overly loud, obnoxious people. Her Martha’s Vineyard home was perfect for the few close friends Sabrina adored. She’d even invited her sister… at Blythe’s insistence.

  “Don’t you think it’s time to stop fighting if she extended an olive branch?” Blythe had pointed out a few days before the book launch.

  “You’re going to be the death of me,” had been Sabrina’s grumbling response, but she didn’t mean a word of it. Not when Blythe completed her life so perfectly.

  Sabrina gladly swept her away from the drudgery of serving ice cream to entitled tourists, and into her world. For once in her life, Sabrina didn’t mind using her connections to help someone get the recognition they deserved for their creative work. A few of Blythe’s framed photos now adorned her home’s walls, but soon they would see them filling the local gallery, not to mention magazines.

  Now, Sabrina couldn’t help but smile as she watched Blythe talking to two of her very best friends, a couple of documentary filmmakers from Northampton. They’d already made her promise to visit, along with Blythe, to see the foliage in western Massachusetts in October.

  Sabrina dipped her head as she turned away from the sight, grateful her friends had embraced Blythe. She really did belong among these people with her creative talent and introspective personality.

  Sabrina had barely taken two steps toward the refreshment table when Miranda intercepted her. For once, she didn’t have some dime-a-dozen arm candy hanging off of her at a social event. Seeing her there solo was another thing that made Sabrina’s breath catch.

  Miranda narrowed her eyes, as if she knew exactly what her sister was thinking. “I wanted to come to this alone,” she said, her words not as hard as usual. “Sometimes, even celebrities don’t want to be famous.”

  “I’ll take your word for it.” Sabrina reached for a crystalline glass and scooped punch into it. The satisfaction of the day couldn’t be any more complete and she sipped contentedly.

  “Are you telling me you don’t consider yourself famous? People think the world of you. You write stories that tell them they’re not alone, that it’s okay to be different.”

  “So? I shouldn’t be famous for it. I’d rather leave that to you, anyway. I’ve had more than my share of attention today and, yes, plenty of reporters asked about your remarks in the interview.” Sabrina sipped at the punch, but she d
idn’t need to cool down like she normally did when her sister put in an appearance. Something told her this wasn’t going to turn into a fight. Not like it usually did.

  “Really? What’d you tell them?”

  Sabrina laughed and shook her head. She wasn’t about to take the bait. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

  “Yes, I would.”

  “Fine.” Sabrina grinned at her and said, “I told them I’m right where I want to be, especially since I have Blythe, now.”

  Miranda offered one of her rare smiles. “Good for you. Don’t be dumb like me and let her get away. You know, I could have had her if I really tried.”

  “Maybe,” Sabrina conceded, “but she didn’t want you and I’m betting that still grates on your pride.” The thrill of victory filled her. For once in her life, she’d won against her sister.

  Miranda held up her hand, thumb and forefinger roughly an inch apart. “Just a teensy bit. She’s one of a kind, that’s for sure.”

  Sabrina’s gaze wandered from her sister, to Blythe, and back again. “Hey, maybe there’s someone out there for you if you stop playing around so much and get serious.”

  The way her sister snorted left little doubt as to her feelings on the matter. “When am I ever not serious?”

  “Just you wait. One day, some woman is going to knock you for a loop. I just hope I’m there to see it.” Sabrina turned on her heel and walked across the lawn, glad to leave Miranda alone with that thought.

  Right now, she wanted just one thing: to be with the person who’d been waiting for her all this time, the kindred spirit she’d never expected to find. When Blythe looked up and smiled at her, Sabrina’s entire body tingled with longing. Both of them had stopped pretending. Even Sabrina didn’t have to step into some fictional character’s shoes to share her feelings.

  Not now, with the certainty that she didn’t have to face this world alone.

  Acknowledgements

  With thanks to Em Stevens for shared feels, writing rants, drunken marshmallow binges, and All The Things!

  Other Titles

  Contemporary Lesbian Romances

  Something About You

  Must Love Chickens

  Meant to Be

  Game of Hearts

  All For Love

  A Vote for Love

  A Brief History of Longing

  Lady in Waiting

  Fire on Ice

  Forever Valentine

  Historical Lesbian Romances

  As Long as Love Lasts

  The Ashland Witches

  A lightly paranormal lesbian romance series about four witches finding love

  A Charmed Life: The Ashland Witches, Book 1

  A Garden Dream: The Ashland Witches, Book 2

  A Magick Dance: The Ashland Witches, Book 3

  A Prairie Love: The Ashland Witches, Book 4

  The Ashland Witches: Complete Series

  League of Lesbians

  A group of friends get super powers they never wanted!

  League of Lesbians: Origins – with Em Stevens

  League of Lesbians: Frankie – with Em Stevens

  League of Lesbians: Lil – with Em Stevens

  Jea writing as Lucy True

  Quirky urban fantasy, and paranormal and dystopian romance with lesbian protagonists

  The Faerie Queen

  Shadow of Magick

  The Cupid Conundrum: Burgundy Hart, Book 1

  The Unlocked Legacy: Burgundy Hart, Book 2

  The Firebrand Syndicate: Burgundy Hart, Book 3

  Burgundy Hart: The Complete Series

  About the Author

  Jea Hawkins writes sweet and spicy contemporary lesbian romance. As Lucy True she writes paranormal romance and urban fantasy with lesbian main characters. Her historical / contemporary romance, As Long As Love Lasts, was nominated for a GCLS Literary Award.

  Regardless of genre, if love conquers all, then she’d like to think her heroines can rule the world one day. An east coast transplant to the Midwest, she loves to write about complicated women and settings that feel like home.

  Personal addictions include genealogy, autumn, cozy sweaters, hot chocolate, and the Sims 3. She’s both an avid reader and gamer, and hopes readers don’t mind a few geeky references here and there in her work.

  You can keep up with her latest releases by visiting her online at www.jeahawkins.com or by subscribing to her newsletter at http://eepurl.com/cVU-pz.