IT’S TIME

by Rachael Dytor

  I collapse into Janey’s arms, sobbing uncontrollably like a small child. She doesn’t say anything, content to hold me tightly, patiently waiting until there are no more tears left to cry.

  It is almost laughable (well if it didn’t hurt so much!). All the evidence I have been presented with since I arrived here and all the time I knew the answer myself. The brain is both truly a marvel and a torturous beast at the same time. All the visual interactions I have had with my siblings over the years and all of the conversations, they were so real, so lifelike. To think that my brain conjured all that up is unbelievable.

  Obviously, as George said, the medication has kept the psychosis at bay in my adulthood. I can’t recall having many conversations with my siblings since I left Skye and went to university. I had put this down to us losing contact with one another when I was placed into foster care then subsequently moved on to university, but I see the reality of the situation now. The medication was working its magic and allowing me to lead a normal life. But now that I have returned, old wounds have opened up and it has clearly lost its potency.

  The absence of Caroline, Juliet, and James will leave a gaping hole in my life. But it gives me solace knowing that Janey and Michael will be there for me. And George – possibly? There is no denying we have known each other for a very long time now and he knows me perhaps even better than I know myself.

  George too just let me cry it out. Like Janey he didn’t utter a word. I imagine he was more than relieved that I had (finally) figured it all out. And, he had the decency not to point this out to me.

  Like a weary soldier, I heave my carcass up and out of the car when we arrive back at his house. Even though I am all consumed with my emotions, I can’t help but notice that George seems somewhat distracted.

  We have been in the door a matter of a couple of minutes, and he is like a cat on a hot tin roof. I collapse, absolutely spent, onto the sofa and Janey slumps down next to me. George disappears for a few minutes then reappears in the living room not looking like himself at all.

  “Thomas, I have located your birth certificate.” Of course! I’d forgotten all about that with all the drama over my siblings. “I have left it on the desk in the office.”

  “OK thanks.” I manage. He bows his head and shuffles off Lord knows where. I remain seated. The anticipation it appears is all too much for Janey.

  “Well, aren’t you just a little bit curious? Go and take a look!”

  It is true. I had been more than a little bit curious following the visit to mother but finding out about my siblings had literally knocked the stuffing right out of me.

  “OK, you are right, sweetheart, I’ll go take a look.” With heavy hands and a heavy heart, I heave myself off the sofa and head in the direction of the office.

  On entering, I move into position to sit at the desk. Surely there can’t be any more surprises? Without scanning it whatsoever, I decide to read it in its entirety from top to bottom.

  I start by raising it to eye level. As I slowly, cautiously, scroll down, I notice nothing out of the ordinary. None the less, my palms have started sweating and my pulse has quickened. Deep breaths, Thomas. All looks in order. Until, that is, I read ‘Father’s Name’ – ‘Traynor, George.’ Time stands still as the revelatory document flutters its merry little way to the ground.

  CHAPTER 26

  I

  thought the tidal wave of emotions I had experienced since I set out on this journey had reached their climax. How wrong could I be! This sets my mind spinning in a whole new direction. Yet again life as I know it has turned upside down and inside out. George – my father? Not George the counsellor, George, my father!

  On so many levels now it all makes sense. It didn’t quite add up in my head the story he’d spun about bringing me here. What was it? Something about my case bothering him as it was the one case in his career he had never brought to a satisfactory conclusion – there were ‘loose ends.’ He talked about how I had never faced up to the truth and needed to come back to confront it all. A part of me had questioned this lame reasoning from the start but his persistency combined with the guilt I felt over never going to see mother were what led me to start this journey. He needed to reach out to me – I am after all his son! All his talk of ‘thinking of me like a son.’ I am his son!

  This raises so many questions. Exactly how long has George known about this? How long has he held my birth certificate in his possession? Please God tell me he has only found out about this recently. If he knew when I was younger, he could have removed mother and I from father’s torturous grasp. There I go, referring to Bert as father. He is not ‘father,’ he is Bert. He is nothing to me. What I endured at his hands and he’s not even my father! The red-hot fury explodes in my head and throughout my body, firing me into action. That bastard! What he put us through and all the while he was nothing to me!

  I leap off my seat, ready to storm out, but I am stopped in my tracks. A very sheepish-looking George peers around the door of the office. Neither one of us knows how to act. There are so many questions buzzing around in my head, but he needs to explain himself first. I grit my teeth and clench my fists in an attempt to stem the torrent of questions I’m ready to fire in his direction. It works and I manage a simple “Well?”

  “Let’s take a seat.”

  “I’d rather stand if it’s all the same with you.” My body is so fired up, sitting down at the moment seems inconceivable.

  “First of all, Thomas, I need you to know that I only recently found out.” Some of the tightness in my chest loosens its grip. “When I saw the birth certificate, it was only shortly afterwards that I contacted you. I am as bowled over by this as you are. I truly had no idea.”

  “You’d better take me back to the start, George! I need to know what happened!”

  “Of course you do. The truth is I loved your mother deeply, Thomas. We knew each other as far back as our school days. It all started after a chance encounter at a mutual friend’s wedding. We both knew there was something there, but she was with Bert at the time. Nevertheless, we exchanged numbers discreetly. Over time we met up and became inseparable. We knew it was wrong, but we couldn’t help ourselves. It was very difficult to carve out time to see one another but whenever we could, we would meet up.

  “It was your mother who ended our affair. She was terrified of your father. Err sorry, Bert. Truth be told, I was too. It was probably a blessing things ended when they did because I dread to think what would’ve happened to Mary if he had found out. She didn’t love him. She stayed because she was too frightened to leave him. Frightened of what he would do to her and to me if he found out. In all honesty though, I think he knew about us. Bert’s fury and outbursts only escalated and intensified with time. Culminating of course in your hospital admission. But I never stopped loving her, never stopped thinking about her. It is the sole reason why I have never looked at another woman since.”

  “Ok, ok, but what about when she was pregnant with me? Surely you must’ve suspected that I could be yours?”

  “That is true, Thomas, I can’t deny it, I did wonder. However, I didn’t know she was pregnant, not at first. All contact had been severed and Bert was very controlling by this stage. Gone were the days when your mother would even get the chance to attend a social event of any kind. I heard on the grapevine that he was drinking excessively and that no one had seen hide nor hair of Mary. I was desperately worried about her but equally, I didn’t want to jeopardise her safety any further by intervening. I truthfully didn’t know what to do for the best.

  “Life moved on in the inevitable way it does. Days and weeks then months merged into one another. I had no idea of your existence. That was until one day I bumped into her at the Post Office, buggy in tow. She saw the look of shock in my face and immediately shook her head. If there was any chance you were mine, there was no way she was going to entertain the possibility. I tried to offer help and support as a friend, nothing more, but she wouldn’t hea
r of it. She was utterly terrified of Bert’s wrath and therefore, needed to keep me at arm’s length.

  “Believe me, Thomas, there wasn’t a day which went by when I didn’t think about the two of you. I have kept as close an eye on you as was feasibly possible. However, I had to keep reminding myself that it was equally possible Bert could be your father.

  “I finally got the opportunity to go to your side when you ended up being admitted to hospital. When I got the call to come to have a chat with you in a professional capacity, there was no way I could turn it down. My heart shattered when I saw how broken you were. Bert had abused you terribly, both physically and mentally. The wounds and bruises would heal up, but I feared the mental damage would leave its permanent mark. I did everything in my power to get you out of that house. I know what that would’ve done to your mother, but I couldn’t see you suffer at his hands any longer. I knew Mary would never leave him but at least I could do something positive to help you.

  “You thrived after that. We have your foster parents to thank for that. They helped you see what a bright future lay ahead. You secured a place at Edinburgh University where you met Janey and the two of you went on to build a life together. It gave me solace and reassured me that I had done the right thing. I was unsure if your mother would ever forgive me for playing my part in having you placed in foster care, but I had to hope that she saw I was acting in your best interests.”

  “George, I need to stop you there. So, at this point, you had no idea that I was your son, correct?”

  “That’s right.”

  “OK, but you profess to loving my mother, yet you were instrumental in re-homing me and your relationship with mother never became romantic again? So, she was bereft, childless, and back in Bert’s merciless hands!?”

  “Thomas, when you put it like that, it makes it sound callous. There was no black and white, no right and wrong. It was a very difficult situation. I had the opportunity to do something right by you, to play a part in helping you have a brighter future and I grabbed that with both hands. I had no idea whether you were my son or not at this time and Mary was unwilling to entertain the possibility. Bert had systematically worn her down over the years until there was nothing left. My name was mud in that household, and I had to steer well clear. Whether he knew your mother and I had been involved, I remain uncertain, but he certainly knew I had recommended that you be transferred into foster care. Perhaps he has mellowed somewhat over the years but at the time let’s just say he wasn’t my number one fan!”

  “Please, can we get to how and when you found out I was your son, how you came to be in possession of my birth certificate.”

  “Yes, of course. I don’t know if you recall but when we visited Mary, she looked over in my direction and gave me a beaming smile.” I nod my head and shrug my shoulders at the same time, gesturing for him to continue. “Well, that was no coincidence. She was smiling at me because she recognised me too. When she was placed in the care home, for the first time in years I was able to have regular contact with her again. There was no longer any threat of Bert intervening. He washed his hands of her the minute she was admitted.

  “I visited her at least once a week and I have kept that up over the years. It was wonderful to see her face light up when she saw you. Those precious moments of recognition are few and far between now as her illness has progressed. I talk to her a lot about the past, about times we have shared, about you and how well you are doing. It is all in an attempt to rouse her into the present, to get her to focus.

  “On one such visit, she was locked into her little world so I thought it might help to show her some old photographs. She had a shoebox under her bed filled with photographs, so I started leafing through them, showing her them one by one. I talked and talked, trying to be as engaging as possible, but I got no response so left to my own devices, I started delving further into the box. There were a few old letters, but I kept digging until I reached the bottom of the box where I found an official-looking document. My instinct was to just replace the photographs and put the box back under the bed. It felt like snooping and I wasn’t comfortable with it. As I started replacing a couple of the photographs, it caused the document to dislodge, revealing its title – ‘birth certificate.’

  “It could have been Mary’s birth certificate. But I knew there was a chance that it was yours and I had to find out. When I saw my name printed there, I couldn’t believe it. And sadly, I couldn’t share the moment with your mother for, at the time, she was lost in some distant world. I am not ashamed to say I wept. I wept and wept for all the years we lost that we could have shared together. But I also wept joyous tears, I was elated. The news I had so wanted to hear was finally affirmed. And then, I wept tears of sadness for what might’ve been between your mother and I. She had known all along I was the father, she had me named on your birth certificate after all. If only she had taken a leap of faith and tried to leave Bert, things might’ve been very different … for all of us.

  “When did I find out this information? Only recently I assure you, just shortly before I made contact with you. I must, however, apologise for turning up in the middle of the night like that. You looked at me like you had seen a ghost and I am not surprised. I wasn’t thinking straight. I had to see you and, frankly, I was not in the right frame of mind. It was foolish and I can see how it could’ve alarmed you, so I apologise sincerely for that.”

  I take a seat once more at the desk, letting it all sink in. I wanted to be angry at mother because she could have changed our lives for the better, but how could I be? Bert had utterly dominated her; she saw no way out. She had been well and truly trapped. And now she is battling a serious brain disease. All I feel is a mixture of love and pity. She really had been dealt a dreadful hand of cards in the game of life.

  I lock eyes with my ‘new father.’ “One thing is puzzling me, George.” He raises his eyebrows in anticipation. “It’s the birth certificate. You claim to have only found out about it and that, when you did, you immediately contacted me?” He nods in agreement. “But it wasn’t you who brought it to my attention, was it? It was mother. Exactly when were you going to enlighten me?”

  “Yes, I can see why that might concern you, Thomas, but truly, you have to believe that I was going to tell you. It was always my plan. I was so shocked when Mary said what she did to you. It has given me such hope. Her dementia has already done so much damage, but she clearly hasn’t fully succumbed to it, not yet. It certainly wasn’t how I planned on you finding out, but in a strange way I am delighted. I am sure it will have given your mother great joy to be the one to finally tell you the truth, to point you in the right direction. A special gift from her to you.

  “It was so important for you to come back to find out the truth about your mental state. But equally important was you finding out about your parentage. I didn’t want to hit you with everything all at once so I thought you finding out about me could wait until you had processed the fact that your ‘siblings’ didn’t exist. I know this is huge. It is so much for you to take in and it is a blessing indeed that Janey has come. You two have a fabulously strong relationship and I know she is absolutely there for you. She will be next door waiting on tenterhooks for you to let her know what the birth certificate says. And Thomas, please know that I too am 100% here for you. I know it will take a long time for you to wrap your head around all this, but I mean what I say, please know that. It would be wonderful if we could build a relationship but no rush, we can take things nice and slowly.”

  He is right. Baby steps is what is called for. I imagine that if were watching this on a movie, the son would fling his arms around his newfound father. But this wasn’t the movies, and I wasn’t yet ready for such an outpouring of emotion. I could already feel a sense of curiosity about what the future would hold. My life had taken a new trajectory and what did this mean for me and my family? Yes, there was a definite sense of curiosity but equally, we weren’t at the happily ever after stage eithe
r! I found myself in unchartered waters. I was floundering and wasn’t entirely sure how to feel or act. Two things immediately came to mind. I had to let my wife know who her real father-in-law was and, secondly, I needed to pay a certain someone a long overdue visit.

  CHAPTER 27

  I

  make my excuses – about needing to talk things through with Janey – and leave George standing in the office. Janey, as I had suspected, wasn’t far away. She was eager to know what I had found out, but I discovered that I wasn’t quite ready to divulge anything just yet. I had something I needed to do first and it had to be alone. I simply shook my head at her to indicate that the birth certificate hadn’t yielded anything of interest and made up a story about having to nip out to collect some bits and pieces for dinner. From the look on her face, she wasn’t wholly convinced but she didn’t stop me from leaving either.

  It was surprising that twenty years had passed but I still knew my way around Skye. In particular, the way back to the croft. Another surprise (and initially I couldn’t decide whether it was a pleasant one or not), were my siblings’ presence in the car. All three were accompanying me. I was not alone. Even after all the evidence I had been presented with, it seemed that the mind literally had a mind of its own! Deep down I knew they weren’t real and the sane, logical part of me questioned how they could possibly have just appeared out of nowhere. But, at the same time, it was undoubtedly comforting to know they were there. I reasoned that I could tackle my demons and confront my mental health issues when I returned to the Scottish Borders. For now, I decided that I was happy to entertain each and every one of them.

  They were chatting amongst themselves and I was picking up snippets of conversation here and there … “he’s not going back there” … “we’ll turn off soon” … “nope, it doesn’t look good.” Until, eventually, James plucked up the courage to speak to me directly. “Thomas please, turn the car around! You can’t go back there!”