The House that Jack Built

by Catherine Barry

  Silence.

  ‘Look, it doesn’t matter. C’mon, the night is nearly over and we’re only going up the road,’ she tried to change the subject.

  I slipped on the maternity jeans and put on some make-up. My hair was healthy-looking, at least. As we walked to the local pub in the cool evening twilight, Karen linked me affectionately. Joe ambled behind us singing, sporting a newly acquired haircut. What used to be long waves had now been transformed into a short back and sides with a little quiff in the front. We taunted him without let-up. I asked him about Jill. Had he seen her? How was she doing? He told me that he hardly ever saw her. Her work schedule kept her in the air most of the time. It was good to be out again, talking about this and that.

  As soon as I got inside the lounge, I phoned home. My mother reassured me that David was still asleep. Thank God, I thought. We ordered some drinks and went and sat near the window. The place was packed. There were wide-screen TVs everywhere.

  ‘What’s going on?’ I asked innocently. I had lost touch with the outside world.

  ‘Barry McGuigan’s first come-back fight,’ Joe filled me in. ‘Where have you been — on another planet?’

  ‘More or less,’ I replied and they both laughed. I sipped my first pint of Carlsberg. It was delicious and I ordered another. And another. I felt drunk after the third.

  The crowds were going crazy. Barry McGuigan had won. I joined in on the cheering. I didn’t want to go home now. Then I remembered David, and got up to make another phone-call.

  ‘Leave it,’ Karen urged. ‘Leave well enough alone.’

  I realised just how cocooned I had become. I loved David, I had no regrets, but I didn’t really understand how difficult it would be to lead a single person’s life again.

  Sitting there with my friends, I knew that my life would somehow never be the same again. I suddenly felt very lonely. I was desperately in need of financial support. I also began to think back on my teenage years and realised how much I had taken my freedom for granted, and that I would not be able to do what I wanted any more.

  David would have to come first. I loved him with a passion. I loved his smell, especially after a bath. The softness of his head, his pudgy fingers, his gurgling. He made me laugh when he spat his food right back at me, the way his face turned a bright orange as he did a pooh, and then how he heaved a sigh of relief. They were simple small things; they were the things that brought me closer to him. He was my son, and having him had changed everything.

  I made my fourth trip to the bar. I was counting my pennies, when I became aware of a set of eyes boring into me. I tried hard not to look, but eventually curiosity got the better of me and I glanced to my left. At the end of the bar, Matt Howard was perched on a stool, nursing a pint of Guinness. He smiled. I smiled back.

  Dirty bastard.

  I grabbed my pint and spilt half the contents in the rush to get back to my seat. ‘You’ll never guess who I just saw,’ I said to Karen, puffing and out of breath. ‘Matt Howard. He’s sitting at the bar, can you believe it, the great big fucking bastard,’ I added.

  ‘Well, did you say hello or what?’ she asked. ‘Wow — Matt Howard! Sorry, I just have to see him.’ She pushed past me and made her way through the crowd.

  I was sick with nerves. I wolfed down my pint, grabbed a passing bar boy and ordered three more. I tried to remind myself that I was all grown-up. I was being childish and silly. I should have gone over to talk to him. I felt like a right prick, sitting there all indignant and red-faced.

  To my horror I saw the crowd parting as Karen returned with drinks. With Matt in tow. Joe tut-tutted.

  ‘Ah Christ,’ I whispered. I reefed my shirt down as far as I could to conceal my protruding spare tires. I felt like a fat tub of goo. Not now! Not now! I implored. Come back when I’ve my figure back, when I feel confident. When I’ve got a job. Go away! This is so unfair. Jesus Christ, You’ll have some explaining to do when I get up there.

  ‘Hi,’ he grinned from ear to ear.

  ‘Hi.’ Oh great response, interesting even.

  ‘I’ve been watching you for a while. I wasn’t sure it was you,’ he smiled again.

  Oh yeah sure. You didn’t recognise me with all the fat you mean, go on, and rub it in.

  ‘It’s me all right,’ I said pleasantly, hating him. You don’t look exactly slim yourself, could do with a little toning up, you’ve a double chin as well.

  ‘Sit down, for God’s sake,’ Karen squealed. She pushed me up in the seat and I kicked her hard under the table. ‘I can’t believe it’s you,’ she gushed. ‘God, you look exactly the same. It’s incredible. Wow.’

  She went on and on. I sat between them, sipping my pint as they talked backwards and forwards over me. I felt about as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit. Still, I was grateful in a way. It gave me a chance to observe what had once been the great love of my life.

  How many years had it been? Nine, ten? He appeared exactly the same, as gorgeous as ever. And he was giving me that look — the one he always gave me. What is it about you that makes my heart thump and my stomach chum? I asked him silently. Did you know how much I adored you? Do you know how much you hurt me?

  Look at you. Still the same. Black curls that we girls spend a fortune trying to copy. I loved to run my fingers through them, and feel them bounce back into place. Why have you cut them so short? Your eyes are still hypnotic, cat green, mysterious but always giving away your heart. You bastard. Christ, I hate you for being here, all fresh and alive and desirable. I suppose it’s only because I haven’t had sex in a long time. That’s the only reason I am even contemplating sleeping with you.

  They were discussing ex-girlfriends and boyfriends. I listened with amusement as they each revealed gossip to the other.

  ‘Jesus, remember that one Margaret, the one with the long blond hair that was always hanging out with you. She was a right dog — whatever happened to her?’ Karen queried.

  ‘I married her.’

  ‘God, sorry.’ Karen tried not to laugh but Matt beat her to it. Pretty soon we were all rolling about the place roaring. I don’t know why I found it so funny. I was in bits.

  ‘Did you really marry Margaret?’ Karen was trying to be serious.

  ‘Who are you to talk, you’re still with Mick,’ I reminded her.

  ‘You’re not.’ Matt stared at her.

  We all started to laugh again. What a bunch of cowards. We had settled for the first thing that had come our way.

  ‘I heard you had a baby, Jack,’ Matt said flatly.

  Jack. He called me Jack. He had a special way of saying it that I hadn’t heard for so long. Jack was short for Jackie, which was short for Jacqueline, but only certain people were privileged to call me that. Somehow the years between us just rolled away there and then. I was flattered and a little angry that he knew about David.

  ‘Yes, I have a son, his name is David, and he’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. I never really loved his father anyway.’ That’s exactly how it came out, word for word. Absolute shite. There was no need at all to mention the biological sperm.

  He smiled a knowing grin.

  The swine.

  ‘How old is he?’

  ‘Almost six months.’

  Pause.

  ‘When did you get married?’ I asked, almost shyly.

  ‘Four years ago.’

  An eerie silence followed.

  ‘Any snappers?’

  ‘One boy, one girl.’

  ‘Wow, you’ve been busy.’

  He obviously can’t keep his hands off her.

  ‘It’s not easy.’

  ‘Tell me about it.’

  ‘How come I’ve never seen you around?’

  ‘I was in London for two years.’ I’m travelled.

  ‘What was it like?’

  ‘I hated it.’

  ‘What was he like?’

  Hey, watch it. ‘An abso
lute bollox. Like yourself.’

  ‘Thanks for the vote of confidence.’

  ‘I can’t understand it. Line up ten good men in front of me and one bollox. I’ll pick the bollox.’

  ‘There must have been something good about him?’

  What do you care? You have the Princess Margaret. ‘Well. Yes. Of course. Initially there were lots of good things about him. I just can’t think of any of them right now.’

  He laughed. I managed a sneaky snigger. I was enjoying this.

  ‘How long were you together?’ he asked.

  ‘Four years.’ Another lie.

  ‘That’s a long time. It’s a pity.’

  I’m not to be pitied. ‘It’s OK. Honestly, I’m very happy about it.’ Oh Jack!

  ‘Well, you ought to let your face show it.’

  Mercifully, Karen interrupted. ‘Hey, gang, it’s last orders. Jack, your twist.’

  Was she completely without brains? I glared at her.

  ‘Eh, it’s OK. Actually I’ll get them.’ She finally got the message.

  Matt stayed put. ‘Are you living back in your parents’ house?’ he started again.

  ‘I haven’t a choice at the moment, although I feel in the way. They’ve been really good to me, but I’m wearing out my welcome.’

  ‘Why don’t you start looking for a flat?’

  ‘I have to look for a job first.’ Where’s your wife?

  ‘What were you working at in London?’

  ‘Just basic secretarial work. I hated it, I wish I could do something else.’

  ‘Why don’t you consider going back to school?’

  ‘Get a grip. I have David now. I can’t do anything.’ Whoops. That was positively hostile.

  ‘Of course you can. I’m studying at night and working during the day.’

  Really? I suppose Margaret Smargaret makes it all possible. ‘Well, that may suit you, but I wouldn’t be able to do the two without help.’

  ‘You would if you really wanted to.’

  Who the fuck does he think he is? I try changing the subject. ‘Where’s Joe gone? I haven’t seen him all evening.’

  ‘He’s with someone in the bar.’

  ‘Oh,’ Things were suddenly very tense. As per usual I had had too much to drink. I was becoming aggressive and was slurring my words. The barmen were shouting, ‘Closing time, now, ladies and gents. Come along, please.’

  I wanted to cry. I wanted to run. I wanted to be sixteen again. Take me down to the beach and we can get stoned and do it all over again, make everything all right. Somebody change my life. Why was I so angry? This was nobody else’s fault. I had chosen my own road. I had nobody to blame. I just couldn’t grow up. Matt had grown up. Jill had grown up and Karen was doing her level best. I was so confused.

  The lights had been turned on and Karen was getting ready to go. Matt sighed heavily as if being in my company had drained him. I felt so stupid. I tried to save the evening by telling him meaningless bits of gossip. Suddenly, keeping him there seemed like the most important thing in my life. A loud voice came over the intercom. ‘Telephone call for Ms Joyce. Telephone call for Ms Joyce.’

  Not now! I ran to the phone and my mother was hysterical. David was screaming his head off and she could not calm him down. She ordered me to come home immediately. For a split second, I hated David.

  In the foyer Karen was hugging Matt. I watched them from a distance before I approached.

  ‘Jack. I’ll walk you down if you like.’

  Yes!

  ‘Yeah, I’m getting a lift from Mick anyway, you two go on.’ Karen winked at me.

  Walking down Seafield Road was a very strange experience. All the time I was aware of David and my mother pacing up and down with him, but I just couldn’t bring myself to rush. I was worried but torn two ways. My maternal instincts and my hormones were battling it out. I was enjoying all these new feelings. It was so long since I had felt like a woman, since a man had engaged in an intelligent conversation with me.

  Matt seemed in no hurry. We chatted about this and that and I laughed, boy did I laugh.

  ‘My son can’t pronounce F, he uses R instead, so the phone is a rone and a foot is a rut. You get used to it after a while.’

  ‘David’s arse is red raw from nappy rash.’

  ‘Sudocrem is the best.’

  ‘You’ve lost a lot of weight,’ I told him. My paranoia and defence mechanisms were beginning to loosen.

  ‘Yeah. I lost about a stone over the last year.’

  ‘You really know you’ve lost weight when you feel it in your trousers. Whoops. I mean..’

  ‘Excuse me?’

  We both burst out laughing. Oh God get them off.

  We were nearing my house and I was sure I could hear David’s screams. I was anxious to get away. I was anxious to stay. I was anxious.

  ‘God, it was really something else meeting you again. I think of you often,’ I confessed.

  ‘Ditto.’ He delved into his pocket and pulled out a joint. He lit it up and took a long drag out of it. I was horrified.

  ‘You’re not still doing that shit, Matt?’

  ‘Ah, only now and then.’

  Suddenly I was disappointed. I wondered what I was doing there. It also dawned on me that he was a married man. It also struck me that my mother was murdering my child at this very minute.

  I came to my senses abruptly. I reached out and hugged him; he held on. ‘It really was lovely to see you again,’ I said.

  ‘Maybe we can meet up again, sometime.’ He left the words hanging.

  ‘Maybe,’ I whispered.

  Chapter 6

  I ran into the house and raced upstairs, taking two steps at a time. It was totally silent. My mother lay crossways on the bed, snoring loudly. David was tucked up comfortably in his cot. He was completely unconscious. Typical.

  I sat in the kitchen alone for about two hours. I was tired, but could not bring myself to go upstairs, get into bed, and go to sleep. I stole the key for the drinks cabinet from my father’s overcoat. The only thing that was in it was a small amount of Pernod dating back to the 1800s, but I didn’t care. I mixed it in an enormous tumbler with orange juice, the only mineral left in the fridge. It was sickening, but I drank the lot.

  The midnight courts had begun. Why hadn’t I asked Matt where he lived? I fretted. Why should I have asked him that anyway? He was married! Oh, so what. That meant nothing these days. But who was I to presume that? He probably loved his wife very much. Margaret — that tart. I couldn’t believe he had married her. She had no brains. He could have had his pi7ck of women. He could have chosen anyone. He could have chosen me.

  Still, the blonde bimbo with the big boobs was probably great in bed. I bet she gave him blowjobs, while she was hoovering and ironing at the same time. The kids were probably beautiful too. Little angels that floated around the house and had excellent manners when they were out with Mam and Dad.

  Why are you so resentful, Jack? I asked myself. Can’t you be happy for him? He’s entitled to a little bit of happiness. You’re always so envious and jealous of everybody else. Just because you made a mess of your life doesn’t mean you have to tear everyone else’s apart.

  I decided to have a light snack. Two bowls of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes, a rasher sandwich, a cheeseburger, two Cadbury’s Snacks and a Diet Coke, just to convince myself I was still trying to lose weight. You pathetic, fat has-been. Oh leave me alone! No! Look at the state of you! A bear wouldn’t give you a hug. What makes you think that he’d even be the least bit attracted to you? He was just passing time, that’s all. It was a chance meeting. A mere coincidence. You’re just trying to make something out of it. Go to bed. Go to bed. Go to bed!

  I crawled up the stairs, thinking I was being quiet. The steps creaked and I heard my father groan. I slipped under the duvet and peered into David’s cot. More remorse. ‘I’m sorry, darling,’ I whispered. ‘I’m really sorry
. I didn’t mean it when I said I hated you, earlier on.’

  I kissed him gently on the cheek. My head lay level with his. I stuck my hand through the cot bars and gripped his tiny fist. The minute fingers immediately encircled mine.

  I love you so much, little man. Mammy’s going to change. I promise you, tomorrow. Tomorrow, I’m going to change my whole life. Everything is going to work out fine. You’ll see. I’ll get a job. We’ll move into a flat and you can take Thomas the Tank Engine with you. Just you and me, we’ll set up home together. You’ll go to school. You’ll go to college. You’ll get a degree, and become a professor, or something really important. You’ll be proud of your mother, and tell your friends what a wonderful parent 1 was. Yes. It will all change tomorrow.

  The next day, I had a hangover and David was very cranky. Joe called round. He only had one more night before he returned to London.

  ‘Where did you disappear to last night?’ I asked curiously.

  ‘I met some friends in the bar. Besides, I wanted to give you a little space, you know.’

  ‘No. Actually, I don’t know,’ I said grumpily. I really wasn’t in the mood for this.

  ‘Well. Present company, et cetera.’

  ‘You mean Matt?’

  ‘You should have seen your face.’ He chuckled and lit up a cigarette.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘It was so obvious.’

  ‘What was obvious?’

  ‘You two.’

  ‘Are you mad? He married someone else!’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘You knew? Why didn’t you tell me then?’

  ‘I didn’t think you’d be interested.’

  ‘I’m not!’ I screeched.

  ‘Hey, relax, will you? You overreact to everything these days.’

  ‘Sorry.’ I calmed down. ‘I guess I was disappointed, that’s all. How could he have married that slut?’

  ‘How could you have gotten yourself pregnant by a Brit?’

  ‘Well, at least I left.’

  ‘He will too.’

  ‘What makes you say that?’

  ‘Something I heard at the bar…’

  I was secretly thrilled. ‘Don’t be ridiculous, we haven’t seen each other in nine years. We probably won’t see each other again for another nine. It was just one of those things.’ What did his face look like?