Unexpected

by Bailey B

  So am I okay, knowing I could have prevented everything? Am I okay letting Asher take the blame for what should have been self-defense? No. No, I am not. “I just want to get through today.”

  Maggie squeezes my arm and she smiles. “If we hurry, we can get a table in the back of Ms. Honey’s class.”

  I close my locker without taking anything out of it. I don’t feel like being here, and I doubt anything anyone will try and teach me this week will stick. Why bother with my books or anything like that? I’m merely here, going through the motions.

  Ms. Honey smiles as we approach her door, but her eyes are sad. She, and most everyone in the school, probably feels bad for Asher and me and I hate it. I don’t want anyone’s pity. I want to be left alone. “Welcome back, Miss Walker.”

  I stretch my lips into a grin, so fake it hurts.

  “You’re wanted first thing in the guidance counselor’s office.” Ms Honey switches her attention to Maggie. “Miss Mills. Would you mind escorting Miss. Walker there?”

  “Of course.” Maggie links her arm with mine.

  I’ve sat in this office a total of two times over the past four years and it hasn’t changed. Brightly colored posters adorn the white walls, telling teens not to bully one another, or that sexual assault is not your fault. There’s even one that preaches how smoking is bad for you. These kinds of rooms, they don’t change.

  Mr. Fitzpatrick, our school's pathetic excuse for a guidance counselor, takes a seat on the other side of his desk. The side that says, This is my office, but you’re safe here. Tell me your problems.

  I don’t have any problems to tell, so he’s going to be disappointed.

  “I think this is the first time I’ve seen you this year, Miss Walker. How are you holding up?”

  I shrug. One thing I learned over the years, I’m not required to answer anything because he doesn’t have any power.

  I came to Mr. Fitzpatrick freshman year when a few jealous girls set their sights on me. They viewed me as a threat when I wouldn’t be their wingman and sing their praises to Liam. And so the bullying started. It was simple enough, at first. A few snickers behind my back. Poorly worded notes dropped on my desk or in my locker calling me a slut.

  All of which I could handle, until Hunter Braun. The first boy to ask me on a date. Not just any date, homecoming.

  Liam hated the idea of Hunter and I going together, but he had a date of his own, so I ignored him. Hunter showed up at my door in a limo. He introduced himself like a gentleman. He took me to a restaurant where we were to eat with his friends.

  And then his real date showed up.

  The one he abandoned me for to screw in the bathrooms. The one everyone knew existed but me. I was humiliated but I kept a smile on my face until Nola purposely spilled her drink down the back of my dress. My night ended there. Hunter and his date left in the limo he rented for her. His friends and bitch of a sister left a few moments later, probably to the dance. As for me, I hid in the bathroom.

  Too embarrassed to call Mom.

  Unable to get a hold of Liam or Maggie.

  So who came to my rescue?

  Asher.

  I swallowed my pride as I climbed into what was probably a stolen car. We weren’t old enough to drive and yet there he was, picking me up after I begged him and insisted there was no one else. He took me to Maggie’s house, where I crawled through her window until she got home some hours later, and we never talked about that night again.

  When I brought my problem to Mr. Fitzpatrick, requesting to be switched out of the English class I shared with Nola, he handed me a pamphlet on bullying and, in more or less words, told me to suck it up.

  “I’m glad to see you’re back, Miss Walker,” he says, with faux excitement. We both know he could care less if I was in school or not. James Fitzpatrick is a fifty-something-year-old man who actively counts down until his retirement.

  How do I know?

  He has DUR and the number two hundred and thirty-seven written in the bottom left-hand corner of his white board. “I’ve talked to all of your teachers. Given the unfortunate circumstances around your absences, they were all more than willing to let you make up any missed work.”

  “Thank you.” I wasn't worried. My grades are high enough that even if my teachers were to give me a zero, I’d be fine. Even if my grades dropped, we still have two weeks until final exams and those tests have more weight than the rest.

  Mr. Fitzpatrick clicks the end of his pen and flips a notebook open. “We should probably talk about what happened between you and Mr. Anderson.”

  I suck in a breath, holding the air in my lungs until the pressure is nearly unbearable. I’ve known all morning that Asher would be a hot topic. That people would poke and prod about how he is and our current relationship status. Or lack thereof. I was prepared to ignore all requests and have Maggie shoo away anybody who couldn’t take the hint. I was not prepared for this.

  “I’d rather not.”

  “Elaine.” Mr. Fitzpatrick frowns. “You have been through a traumatic event. It’s important to open up and not hold onto any negative feelings you may have.”

  “What negative feelings do you think I’m harboring?” Because the only ones on the forefront right now are annoyance and impatience.

  “Depression for being dumped," he implies.

  “I was not dumped!” It’s hard not to yell at Mr. Fitzpatrick. For one, my relationship statuses none of his concern. But also, being dumped, as he so eloquently put it, is only the tip of my iceberg. I grab my backpack and stand. “I’m done here.”

  “Sit down, Miss Walker,” he demands. “You’re not excused.”

  “What are you going to do? Send me home?” I wait for a witty response, but Mr. Fitzpatrick doesn’t say anything. I knew he wouldn’t. Like I said, he’s useless.

  “You’re here!” Liam jumps off of the table he’s sitting on in the cafeteria and pulls me into his arms. My body stiffens under his touch. We have never hugged in public and he is holding onto me like I was the one who died. The past four years, all I wanted was for Liam to look at me like he is, with adoration in his eyes. To greet me in public like I mean something to him. To make me an important part of his world, not just the girl he grew up with.

  Liam just did all of those things.

  The plan with Asher worked better than I could have hoped, but I don’t feel the same way anymore. Being with Asher tilted my world on its axis, and now all I want is for things with Liam to go back to how they used to be. Minus the secret hookups.

  He drops one arm but keeps the other around my shoulder as we walk to what used to be my table. “I didn’t see your car out front.”

  It feels wrong to be so close to Liam when my mind is on Asher. I know that I am not doing anything wrong, but it feels like cheating. “Maggie drove me.”

  “Oh.” Liam laughs at himself. Why? I’m not sure because I haven’t done anything funny. “How about I give you a ride home then?”

  I wiggle out of Liam‘s hold and sit at the edge of the table in the cafeteria I never planned to eat at today, let alone come into this damn room. I would rather curl into a ball and hide, but Maggie knows how to make me feel better. Besides, the only place to disappear to this time of day is in the girl's bathroom, and that sounds worse than braving the masses.

  Liam hops on the tabletop beside me, his feet resting next to my legs. He talks excitedly, his hands moving with each word I’ve tuned out. My gaze drifts to the table across the cafeteria, the one Asher and I used to sit at.

  My stomach churns, not from hunger but from a memory. I have no food in front of me. The thought of eating anything more today makes me want to puke, but Asher would have noticed. Even if he didn’t have the money to spare, he would have bought me something. He did buy me something. He made it a point to put me first, even knowing that piece of shit stepfather of his would give him hell for it later.

  I glance up at Liam. He’s smiling, excited about whatever he
’s rambling about. I force my lips to tilt up and return the gesture, but I’m dying inside. Liam either doesn’t notice that I’m not eating or doesn’t care. I realize he’s never paid attention to me the way Asher did, and that makes me sad for completely different reasons.

  “What do you say?” Liam asks.

  “About what?”

  A wrinkle of frustration appears between Liam’s brows, but then he hides it with another over the top smile. “After school. You. Me. Mini golf then ice cream at the place by the beach you like so much.” He laughs and runs a hand through his hair. He cut it, reshaping the style I learned to love. “You’re so cute when you’re lost in thought.”

  “I…” This sounds like a date and that is literally the last thing I want right now.

  “Move,” Maggie demands, her hands on her hips. Her timing couldn’t be better. My heart is broken. Shattered into a million pieces that are crushed into oblivion with each day Asher is behind bars. Even if I were still into Liam, there would be nothing left for me to love him with.

  Liam’s smile falls. “Piss off, Magdalen. I was here first.”

  Maggie smirks then looks at me. “Ellie.”

  She uses Asher's nickname for me and tears pool behind my lashes. No one has called me Ellie in almost two weeks. I miss the way my name sounds rolling off his lips. I miss how he always smelled like the beach, even if I never knew why. I miss how he found innocent ways to touch me throughout the day.

  I.

  Miss.

  Asher.

  “Is this jerk bothering you?” Maggie asks me. I laugh because she is one hundred percent serious about Liam being a jerk and he thinks she’s joking.

  “Her name is Lainey,” Liam growls. “Why the hell are you still letting people call you that? Asher is gone. It’s time for things to go back to how they were before he fucked everything up.”

  “See.” Maggie arches her eyebrows. “Jerk.”

  I shake my head, too numb to buy into their banter, but the fact that Liam is willing to throw Asher away doesn’t sit right with me. For the first time since losing him, I feel something. A fire that should scare Liam and everyone around us because I’m not sure I can control it. “He’s not gone, Liam. He’s just...away.”

  Liam huffs out a hearty laugh. “He’s in jail, Lainey, and he’s probably going to stay there. For life. The sooner you get that through your head, the better off we’ll be.”

  I ball my fist at my sides and fight the inferno building inside me. I try my hardest to keep my voice stoic, but it has an edge that makes Maggie smirk. “You don’t know what’s going to happen to him. You weren’t there when his mom died.”

  “And you shouldn’t have been either!” Liam hops off the table and stands over me. He’s asserting dominance. When I cared about keeping him happy, this move would have swung the conversation into a fit of apologies and graveling. Too bad for him, I don’t care what he thinks anymore.

  “Why?” I raise my voice a little louder. “Why shouldn’t I have been there?”

  “He’s not who you think he is, Lainey.”

  “He’s exactly who I think he is!” I stand. Liam may still be a head taller than me, but we are equal in this conversation. I won't be railroaded into thinking Asher is anything less than the great man he is.

  “Yeah? And who is that?”

  “He’s the man who took your place in my heart. My other best friend. And...” I pause, chewing on my cheek as I debate whether or not to spill the secret that isn’t mine. Fuck it. Asher pushed me away. Liam is being a dick. What does it matter if they get hurt? “And your half-brother.”

  “Come again?” Maggie asks in disbelief. I fight a smirk because I remember how I felt when Asher told me for the first time. Shocked. In disbelief. And eventually, I accepted it.

  “Of course he would tell you. That asshole never could control himself when you were involved.” Liam turns and kicks a nearby trash can.

  “Hey!” one of the cafeteria monitors yell, but we both know she isn’t going to do anything.

  “What the hell does that mean?”

  “You, Lainey. It was always you.” Liam guffaws and runs a hand through his hair. “I can’t tell you how many fights Asher and I got into because of you. Because he didn’t like our relationship.”

  “I thought you said we never had one,” I mumble, my arms crossing over my chest.

  “Whatever, semantics.”

  “Not semantics,” Maggie shouts. “You are such a jerk, Liam.” She stands and shoves him in the chest. “Ellie put everything on the back burner for you, including her pride.” She shoves him again; this time he takes a step back. “She has always been there.” She pushes him again and they take another step. “She waited years for you to notice her.” Shove. “And it wasn’t until Asher stepped in that she was finally happy.” Maggie pushes Liam again but he has nowhere to go. She’s backed him into a pillar and it feels like everyone is watching. “You don’t get to downplay how much you hurt my best friend because it makes you feel better.”

  “Maggie.” Russell puts his hand on his girlfriend's arm. She looks at Liam one more time, shakes her head, then lets Russell hold her. I knew she didn’t like the unorthodox relationship Liam and I had, but I never knew it bothered her this much.

  “What Lainey and I do isn’t anyone’s business but hers and mine!” Liam yells, and I’m certain people are watching us now. “You got that?”

  I take a breath and hold it in my lungs. One. Two. Three. Then let it out. I thought I would feel better telling his secret. I thought the fire inside me would ignite and spring more emotions back to life. In a way, it did. More sorrow. My anger is gone and now I just feel bad for everyone.

  “Liam.” I step closer to him and he looks at me, his guard up, like he thinks I’ll attack. I extend my arms out and his lips twitch with a sad smile. I hold him, resting my cheek against his chest, and shut out the world around us. It’s nice to be in someone’s arms again, but it’s not the same. With Asher, my whole body tingles, and I never want to leave. With Liam, it’s just a hug.

  “I missed this, Lainey,” he says, his voice raw with emotion.

  My heart sinks into my chest because I miss us, but not this per se. “Liam.” I look up into his green eyes, wondering how I ever thought they were better than Asher’s. “I don’t need a boyfriend or a secret lover, or anything with strings. I need a friend because I am hurt. Everything hurts and I don’t know why.”

  I pause to gauge his reaction. His brows knit together as he processes my words and then he frowns. “Physical hurt or heart hurt?”

  “Heart hurt, but it’s so strong even the littlest things are hard to do.” I close my eyes and press my forehead into his chest. My middle school therapist would probably call this depression. My mom would call these dramatics. Me? I call it a broken heart. A pain that one day I know I’ll get over, logic tells me so, but right now it’s excruciating. “I need you to be my friend again. Can you do that?”

  I look up at Liam and he smiles, but his eyes are sad. He dips his head, pressing a kiss to my forehead. “Yeah, Lainey. I’m sorry. Whatever you need.”

  Dear Asher,

  I don’t know how I’ve managed, but I’ve gone three weeks without hearing your voice. Three weeks without your touch. I wish you’d write me back. I know you’re getting my letters. Dad hand delivers them. At least, he says he does. Just to be sure, I mailed this one. I hope you don’t get too much grief for the pink paper. I thought it might stand out. I even added blank paper for you to write me back. I wanted to include a pencil but Maggie said it could be considered a weapon.

  I miss you.

  Graduation was lame. I didn’t walk, but I went to support Maggie. I couldn’t handle the thought of everyone staring at me. People did that enough the last few weeks.

  Can you tell me what things are like in jail? (Never thought I’d be asking that question lol.) Do you have your own cell?

  I have to leave in a few week
s for college. It kills me. I don’t want to go. Dad says your trial will start soon. I hope it’s while I’m still here. I know I won’t be able to hold or kiss you, but I don't care. Being in the room with you will be enough.

  Please write back to me.

  Forever yours,

  Ellie

  Dear Elaine,

  Stop writing to me.

  I do not love you.

  I never loved you.

  If you show up at my hearing, I’ll have your dad escort you out of the building.

  Leave me the fuck alone,

  Asher

  “You’re going to be fine, kid,” Jeffery Harris, my lawyer, claps his hand on my shoulder.

  It’s an open and shut case, or so he said ten weeks ago when this mess started. If that was true, why am I still here? Why is Mr. Walker, Ellie’s dad and the state appointed prosecution, dragging this out? I never meant to kill Clint. Did I want him dead? Abso-fucking-lutely. But I never wanted to be the one to kill him. Yet, here I am because of a sick twist of fate. Story of my life, nothing ever goes the way it should.

  I hold my wrists out and the guard sticks a key into my cuffs. He unlocks them and puts the aluminum shackles into a pocket on his belt. I rub the bruised skin with my wrists. I’m only cuffed for transport, but it’s enough to drive me crazy. Long enough that with every twitch of my arm, they tighten. I don’t mean to move, to make things harder, but I can’t stop shaking.

  I’m nervous.

  I don’t want to spend my life behind bars, away from Ellie, but it’s a possibility. A scary as fuck possibility. Mr. Harris says my emotions are a good thing. They make me relatable and show a side of me that’s vulnerable. Juries like that, to see that murderers have a heart.

  “It’s time,” Mr. Harris says. He stands and leads us down the same hallway I’ve walked at least once a week. We’ve had so many hearings, my head spins trying to remember what happened when. Hearings to record my plea. Hearings to set bail. Hearings to discuss placement after the attack on me in the courtyard that first week. Hearings to discuss my psych eval. And of course the actual trial, which has lasted three days. To me, this is the opposite of an open and shut case. This is an open and never ending story.