Plus One

by Sarah L. Young

  "A baby?" My mom roared. "Her baby?! That's not a baby. That's an unwanted pregnancy. It's pretty much a parasitic tumor that's going to ruin her life. She can't really be considering doing anything else, can she?"

  "Mom," I said, half in disbelief. "Of course she can. She's allowed to do whatever she wants. If she thinks of this as her child, then it is. She thinks that she's ready for this. She wants this. This could be good for her. She's such a caring and generous person. She's not even being negative about this. She loves her baby already, she's going to be a great mom."

  "If love were all it took," my mom said, "then the world would be a much better place. But it's not. If love were all that it took, there would be no children living in poverty. But there are, and that's exactly what's going to end up happening to Lexi's kid if she makes the wrong call on this. If she has this child, then she will be condemning both herself and her child to a sad, crappy life. She won't get to finish her education, she won't get to go where she wants to go in her career, she's always going to have regrets about the way she did things. It's not appropriate for kids her age to have children, or even to be having sex for that matter."

  "You're being so hypocritical," I snapped at her. "You had me when you were only twenty! How can you place yourself so much higher than her?"

  "Because," she said. "I was her. I was in her position, a few years later. You think I never finished college because it was too hard, or because I didn't want to do it? No! I didn't finish college because I got pregnant with you! I needed to work so you could have a roof over your head, food in your mouth, and clothes on your back. The first few years we barely scraped by. I'm not saying this because I'm judging her, I'm saying it because I know what's going to happen to her, and I can't let her go through with this."

  I sat back, not talking, not blinking, letting her angry words sink in. Did she mean that she didn't want me? Did it mean that if she were to go back and do it all again, that I wouldn't be a part of her life? Was I almost aborted? And would that have made her happier. Her words stung as I processed them.

  "Would you prefer that I was never born?" I asked her, my voice choked with tears. "Do you wish that you had aborted me and just, and just gone on with your life without me?"

  "No!" she shouted defensively. "Of course not. I love you, baby, you know that!" She ran to me and wrapped her arms around me, but I pushed her off like a toddler in the middle of a temper tantrum. "I love you so much," she continued. "I always have. From the very second that you were born. The very first time that you cried, I was so happy because it meant that you were healthy. I don't for one second regret having you here. Not one single second! What I do regret, though, is the timing. If I had waited, our lives could have been so much better. You would never have had to go to bed hungry when you were little, because I would have had a decent job with a steady salary. I wouldn't have had to worry about where your next meal was coming from, and if I could afford to get you your vaccinations, or take you to the doctor at all, for that matter.

  "When I found out that I was pregnant with you, I was so thrilled. I wanted a baby so badly, something to take care of and love. I know how she feels right now, like all that matters is that she'll love the baby. I'm sure she will, but I know firsthand how tough it can be. I loved you, but it was so hard in the beginning. I had to quit going to college in order to start making some real money. I never got to finish that education, so I never got a high paying job, and things were very tight.

  "I loved you, and I prayed every night that my love was enough. But it wasn't for us, and it certainly won't be for Lexi and her child. The world hasn't changed. She's going to need to make sacrifices that right now she doesn't even know exist. I had to make sacrifices, and I don't regret what I did, but I do regret that you didn't always have what you deserved when you were little. Even now, I barely get to spend any time with you at all because I'm picking up so many extra shifts trying to save some money in order to help you pay for your college. You deserve better, and so does Lexi's baby. That's all I'm saying. I thought that you should know the truth, and I think that Lexi needs to hear the truth, too. She deserves to know what she's getting herself into. She needs to know."

  By the end of her long and angry speech, I was completely numb. I felt frozen in time and space, unable to speak, unable to comprehend. I had ruined my mom's life, and what was worse was that I didn't even know it. I was immediately filled with guilt, but that was soon replaced with an anger, a burning white-hot flame. Why would she tell me this? Why now? She was being hurtful. There was no reason for her to be this mean. She made it sound like she didn't want me at all. I felt heartbroken.

  "I'll be in the kitchen if you need me, love," she said. As if I needed her. I began to cry almost immediately after she walked to the kitchen and I made my way back to my room. Big fat tears rolled down my cheeks and sobs forced themselves out. I shoved a part of my fist into my mouth to prevent the cries from escaping, hoping in vain that she wouldn't hear me.

  I went up to my room and fell asleep again, exhausted from the emotional roller coaster ride that had taken over my life for the past twenty-four hours or so. When I awoke, I couldn't tell if it was day or night but decided that I didn't actually care and didn't want to find out. I stayed in my room, refusing to get up even when my mom called to me. I had always been an obedient child. I had never had any sort of teenage rebellion. I did what I was told to do, and I did it well. Without question. Now maybe it was time to try something a little different.

  My eyes were itchy and stinging, and my throat felt snotty and sore. I didn't care if it was morning, I wasn't going to go to school. I didn't care if it was time for dinner, because I most definitely would not be sitting down to dinner with my mother any time in the foreseeable future. I was unwanted, after all. Did she even want me now? Did she work so many long shifts at the factory so that she didn't have to spend any more time with me than necessary? Did she even like me, or did I make her feel trapped? Did having me ruin her life, and would it finally return to normal after I left for college?

  I sat up, still feeling sorry for myself for quite a while before I texted Lexi. "Hey," I typed into the phone. Then I deleted that. Hey was too informal. "Hi," I wrote, trying again, but I ended up deleting that too because it felt too unfamiliar. "You should talk to my mom," I typed finally. I was mad as hell at her, but I knew she had a point. "I told her," I typed. After a moment had passed and she hadn't responded, I continued. "I hope you don't mind, I was upset." I wrote. Again, there was no response whatsoever to my messages, although I could see that she had seen them and read them. "She went through this," I texted. "She had me when she was only twenty. I think she regrets it. Anyway, you should talk to her about it." I hit send on that final message. I read it back to myself and felt nauseous. My mom regretted having me. I was unwanted. I didn't even know how to feel, aside from rejected and heartbroken.

  Most importantly, though, I felt Lexi needed to hear this from my mom. She needed to hear from someone who went through what she right now is going through and what it was really like. I cared about her too much to let her make a mistake that could ruin her life the way that I had ruined my mom's. I felt guilty for existing. My mom said that she was telling me this so that Lexi would never have to go through what she had gone through? Well...I suppose that I had my own selfish reason for wanting her to hear this from my mom. No matter what Lexi decided, I had to be sure that she never told her child what she just told me. I may have ruined my mother's life on accident for being born, but she ruined mine on purpose. That was so much worse, I was sure of it.

  CHAPTER NINE

  Lexi

  Throughout the afternoon and evening I tried to keep myself busy. Really, I was trying to keep myself sane. If I couldn't change anything, then I wasn't going to spend all my time and energy fretting about it. I did have a life, after all. For now, anyway.

  I helped my mom clean up around the house, helped my six-year-old sister Louisa with h
er math homework, and then I helped make dinner. I was able to concentrate on little tasks for as long as I had them in front of me. Once I had finished them, though, my mind began to wander, and I could feel myself getting more and more stressed out by the moment. The nurse and the guidance counselor had both warned me that I should try to stay positive and calm, but I wasn't sure how I was going to make that a reality over the next few months.

  At around seven-thirty that night, I started getting weird messages from Emily. They didn't really make much sense, so I decided to call her and make sure that everything was ok. The phone barely rang once before she picked up.

  "Hello," she whispered into the phone.

  "Hey," I said, speaking at a full volume. "It's me, what's up? Are you okay?" A knot grew in my stomach. I didn't need to be lectured anymore today. I braced myself for the worst, but instead Emily began crying into the phone. I wished that I was sitting with her so that I could hug her and tell her that it would all be okay, even though she hadn't done the same for me the night before.

  "No," she told me in a break from the quiet, muffled cries. "No, it's not okay. My mom and I got into this huge fight. She said that she didn't even want to have me in the first place and that I had practically ruined her life. I mean, why would she even say something like that? Even if it was true, you don't say something like that. Especially not to your own kid!"

  "I can't even imagine," I told her honestly. Of course she had warned me of the same thing, but she didn't need me to point that out right now. And even still, to hear something like that from your own mother must be utterly devastating. "Are you okay?" I asked her gingerly.

  "What do you think?" she asked glumly. "Not even my mother wants me. She said all this shit about how I made her give up on all of her dreams and how she had to drop out of school to take care of me and has never gotten a decent job because she doesn't have the training because she didn't have the education because she had to take care of me. I ruined her life. She hates me!"

  "No, honey, no," I soothed. "I'm sure that that's not true. Things must have been tight, but that just means that she wanted you more. She knew how hard everything was going to be, but she knew that having you in her life, all of the joy that came with you, would be worth so much more than all of that other stuff. Okay?" I asked, hoping to have calmed her down some.

  "I think that you should talk to her," she told me with a sniffle. "If she feels this way...maybe you'll feel the same way. I don't want you to get held back in life like I've held her back. You know?"

  "That's crazy!" I told her. Her mom loved her, no matter what she had said. They were so close, it was impossible that what Emily was saying was true. Or at least she had over exaggerated the conversation in her anger. "Your mom loves you. And I'll love my baby. Despite the hardships that having a kid could cause, a mother's love will never end."

  "Oh, what do you know?" she snapped at me aggressively. "You keep saying all of this stuff like you know. You're not a mom yet, you don't know anything!" With that I found myself getting frustrated, wanting to yell back at her. I couldn't help it, even though I know that she didn't mean what she was saying. She was just upset and so she was lashing out at me to make herself feel better by making me feel worse. It helped that I had little siblings around who tried to get away with the same things, but her words still stung. I could be hurt by her words, but I wasn't going to let myself be mad at her for saying them. Someone had to be rational in all of this. She had been there for me when I needed her last night, so now it was my turn to be there for her, no matter how badly her words stung.

  "You're right," I told her. "I'm not a mom yet. In a few months though, I will be, and the amount of love that I have for this baby...that will never go away, no matter what happens. Your mom loves you. She wouldn't have had you if she hadn't already fallen in love with you."

  "Still," she told me. "I think that you should talk to her. It might be helpful to know what you're in for. In the long run, I mean, not just the next few months while you're still pregnant." I guess that I saw her point and couldn't see the harm in talking to her mom, so I agreed.

  "Sure," I said, after a moment of thought. "Ok, I can probably come over now if you want. I already finished all of my homework and helped my mom clean the house and ate dinner and all of that."

  "Umm," she began hesitantly. "I think that that should be fine. My mom feels bad right now about the fight that we had, so she'll probably be ok with whatever I want for the rest of tonight. I'll go ask her right now and then I'll call you right back and let you know. Sound good?" she asked me hopefully.

  "That's fine," I told her. "I'll go ask my mom and dad if they can drive me over to your house. It's starting to get kind of chilly out." And with that I hung up the phone. I slipped my phone back into my pocket and started out the door of my bedroom, where I saw my mom crumpled on the floor, holding something in her hand.

  "Mami," I said, rushing over to her side. "Mami, are you hurt, can you get up?" I grew worried. When I tried to help her get back up she fought my touch and cried.

  "How could you?" she screamed, still in a heap on the floor.

  "Mami, what's wrong?" I asked her, growing ever more concerned. It was so unlike her to cry like this. She was so strong.

  "How could you?" she shouted at me once more, holding up my pregnancy test in the air for me to see. I gasped. How did she have it? "The little ones were playing in your room, and I found this with one of them. Chiquita mía!" she cried, calling me her little girl. My heart broke seeing my mother in such a state, so crushed.

  "Mami, I'm sorry," I tried. "I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I swear, I wasn't trying to do this, I just—"

  "Why would you even have sex with a boy?" She yelled between sobs. "You like girls, you told us, and we were okay with that. Why did you do this to me?! How could you?"

  "Mami, I told you that because I didn't think you would understand it if I said that I liked girls and boys. I do, I just didn't think that—"

  "So you lied!" she shouted. "You lied to me and to your father and now you're pregnant!" she began weeping into her hands. I tried hard to stay calm, but the tears were beginning to form at the corners of my eyes and my face was already burning from a mixture of shame, embarrassment, and fear.

  "Mami, I was upset, and I wasn't thinking," I started off, trying to explain it all to her. "I was at a party, and I was feeling sad, so I didn't tell him to stop. I didn't mean for this to happen, any of it, you have to believe me."

  "You have a good head on your shoulders," she said sadly. "You should have known better. Why didn't you tell him to stop?"

  "I was sad, and I had been drinking and so—"

  "Drinking?!" she shouted. "Drinking? You were at a party, you were drinking, and you let some boy take advantage of you? How could you be so dumb?" She spat, making the tears freely flow from my eyes and down my burning cheeks.

  "Mami, please understand!" I begged her. I fell to my knees. "Mami, I was so sad, and I thought that I would try it. I didn't think that anything bad would happen."

  "No," she told me firmly. "No, I will not take that. Get out." She pointed downstairs to the front door. "Get out!" she demanded, repeating herself.

  "Mami, no!" I screamed as she stood up and started forcing me down the stairs. "Mami, no! This is okay, there's going to be a baby! You're going to be a grandma! Think about that, how happy you're going to be when there's another little baby in the house!" Even telling her this I knew that my attempt was utterly useless. My mom would not be so easily calmed.

  "No, this is not a baby!" she yelled to me as she continued fighting me and pushing me down the stairs. "This will not be a baby, it will be a bastard. It is not my grandchild. I will not be its grandmother because I am not your mother." We were now at the bottom of the staircase and she was now pushing me out the door.

  "You don't mean that!" I shouted, my voice filled with tears. "Mami, I'm your daughter. You love me, I'm your little girl! Y
ou have to love me, you're my Mami!"

  "No," she said stubbornly. "You are not my daughter. My daughters have more sense than you do. You're a slut, and my little girls are not sluts. They have reason. They're not stupid. They don't get drunk and sleep with stupid boys. They don't lie to their parents. They don't have babies when they're still babies! You are not my daughter, you filthy child. Get out of my house!" She shouted with one final push, getting me out the door and then slamming it shut behind me, leaving me shivering on the front steps outside my house.

  I let out a whimper in the cold night air. Just then I felt a buzzing in my pants pocket. I took out my phone and glanced at the screen through my tear-filled eyes. It was blurry, but I could make out that Emily had texted me. I quickly typed her number into my phone and whispered, "please come get me," before I hung up the phone and slipped it back into my pocket, starting the long walk to Emily's house.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Emily

  Lexi called me at around eight o'clock at night, asking me to pick her up. Just as I was about to ask her why, she hung up the phone. I thought about calling her back, but she sounded desperate and upset, so I ran down the stairs.

  "Mama," I asked. "Can I borrow the keys? I need to go pick up Lexi really quick. She called me and asked for me to pick her up, and she sounded really upset."

  "Um, yeah, sure," my mom replied nonchalantly. "Is everything okay? With Lexi, I mean, is she still going to come over."

  "Yeah," I said, not totally confident in my answer. "I mean, I think. I don't know, she seemed a little bit upset when she called me, and she hung up the phone right after she asked me to come get her. I'll bring her back here and make sure that everything is okay."